Here we go again...

For as much as I absolutely adore Rich Mullins music.... and for as much as I could listen to Chris Rice sing classic hymns all day long....  I gotta tell ya, I love me some good ole 80s' hair bands!   Oooh - yeah - give me a good rock ballad and I'm a very happy HJ!   Well, this evening what's come to mind is a little Whitesnake:

I don't know where I'm going, but I sure know where I've been

Hanging on the promises in the songs of yesterday

And I've made up my mind

I ain't wasting no more time

So here I go again - here I go again

Though I keep searching for an answer

I never seem to find what I'm looking for

Oh Lord, I pray you give me strength to carry on

'Cause I know what it means

To walk along the lonely street of dreams...

You're lucky you're only reading me writing these words, because I'm actually belting them out.  Man, I should have gone into the hair band business....  I wonder if it's too late?   What I lack in actual talent, I more than make up for in lung capacity and enthusiasm - and hair. 

I'm telling ya, I missed my calling..... 

Anyhow, this song is on my mind because... well, here we go again.  Ar and I talked things over and decided to do the next round of Clomid, starting Wednesday.  Clomid makes me feel crazy - really, really crazy.  Ar is actually a bit concerned about what all these drugs have been doing to my body...  but.  But we so want to have a child together... and we have another round of Clomid.  So, Wednesday, CD 5, it is: start on the Clomid, combined with timed sex.  The chances remain very small.  We've been down this road before.  In fact, doing this is actually going backwards, treatment wise - but we can't go forward. IVF just isn't an option for us.  Though Clomid makes me crazy, I'm so grateful for the opportunity.  

Besides, I do still know that every day holds the possibility of a miracle.  I see miracles happen for other people, anyhow - and I do still believe in them no matter what.  After all, I know that being a child of God is a miracle, and I know that this love I have with Ar is a miracle.  I truly wish everyone could have similar miracles; I'm blessed, indeed.

It's still very difficult. 

We also talked about adoption some more last night.   We mutually agree that pursuing a domestic infant adoption is not for us - it's probably not very feasible anyhow, but we both have the same concerns about it.  Unless we stumble on someone (who knows someone etc), who decides to give their baby to adoption, this will not be a path we pursue.  I guess it's good to have established that.  This doesn't mean we wouldn't consider other roads to adoption, but it would probably be in a more limited fashion.  For both of us, our hearts are still most truly to conceive a child together, but we've agreed to check out some other opportunities in that limited fashion.  So that's where we are with that.  It was a good talk.

I wish I weren't so old.  Please don't  argue that point... in the scheme of things, no, 41 isn't old, and I don't feel old, but when it comes to the NFL and fertility, 41 is pretty ancient.

Holy shnikies!!!!  I just realized something: I'm the B.rett F.avre of infertility!!  I'm too old to keep pursuing this next dream, so I keep coyly hinting that I'm done, then I keep giving tearful press conferences actually saying I'm all done, then I act like a crazy person...  but it seems, despite all wisdom to the contrary, I just can't give up.  Who knew the old gunslinger and I had so much in common?   Hmm.  And does anyone else relate football to IF as much as I do? 

Oh, one other item of here I go again...  Today I again found myself in a position of having to be very honest about something related to how raw I am, IF-wise.  I wish I didn't find myself in this position so often lately. I have yet to find out if this person hates me for it.   Probably not - I certainly hope not.  So far I do seem to have lost one friendship out of this honesty, even though I truly think it was spoken with gentleness and humility about where I am and my own limitations.  I don't know if it's maturity and age that are giving me more boldness, or if it's the heartbreak of IF that's just wearing me down...  I hope maybe it's the Lord at work in me, and I hope I speak the truth in love.  In any case, I do feel better being honest about who I am and what I can do.