My last treatment

Today was IUI! I hope this will be my last treatment because I'll soon be great with child, have a healthy baby, and never need another treatment!! Otherwise it'll be my last treatment because we're out of insurance and can't afford more. I strongly prefer the former.

Everything went smoothly! Ar was a ROCK STAR!!!!! 22.4 million strong, my guy was!!! Me, on the other hand, had just that one 16mm follie. My friend told me that follies as small as 12mm can be fertilized though, so that was really encouraging!! The procedure was smoother than ever - thanks to Nurse Melissa!

Ar came in after, and I told him about his count - and how great it was. He leaned in close and informed me he's secretly been taking FOUR of the CoQ10 I've been having him take for the last several months. Yep, the family that ODs on fertility aids together, stays together, right? Well, it seems to really be doing the trick for him, that's for sure! Plus, they're gummy vitamins, so he is more than happy to take extra! Mmm, vitamins!!!

So, that's that. It was weird being in there, thinking this is the last time we'll be there. I guess, unless it works. If it works, maybe they'll want me to come in to confirm it - I'm not sure. Otherwise, I'd end up in the same building for an OB. But that's a big if!! It just all felt so final though.

Whatever happens, I'm grateful that we were able to do this. A year ago, I thought I couldn't do treatment again - ever. I was too overwhelmed and struggling with anxiety still. I'm so so grateful.

And so now we wait. Pray and wait.

Oh, and in related news.... not really, but I want this down for posterity, tonight was our bocce league night. I wanted to bow out, especially because it's about a bajillion degrees out today - but I know I'm not really restricted from anything, and I did work half a day today anyhow, so I played. I was ON FIRE tonight!!! Seriously!! I could roll no wrong!! I'm not usually anywhere near this good!! Ar and I combined were seriously unstoppable!!

Soooooo.... I couldn't help thinking that maybe it's a sign of good things to come. Maybe one of Ar's best and brightest will find my little Righty - just like those green bocces kept finding that pallino!! I know that's extraordinarily silly, but if you haven't figured out that I have dangerously high levels of silliness permeating my mind, then you just haven't been reading closely enough... Cause that's just how I roll!!!

Sticky thoughts

Today's CD12 u/s revealed that my righty follie is still the one and only, and she's 16mm. Normally they want between 18mm and 21mm. However, the lab work revealed that my LH (luteinizing hormone, which predicts ovulation) has surged, so I'm in the home stretch to ovulation. As such, tomorrow morning will be my IUI - the last IF treatment we will do.

Ar will go in at 9am and I will go in at 10:40am. Please pray with us, for tomorrow and for the upcoming couple weeks. There's only one follie - one egg. We'd so hoped for more, but one is really all it takes. May she find her spermy soul mate and may they do what they were created to do - stick with me!!

This:

Not this:

Dare to dream

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." (Psalm 73:26)

Today we were back to the clinic for my CD11 u/s. Overall it was a very long and frustrating visit, involving u/s and lab delays, multiple vein sticks, billing issues, pharmacy issues, and having to drive to a whole other pharmacy because now we're "self-pay." So, what should have been 45 minutes was several hours. But Ar was with me and when these things happen it's sort of us against the world, so we still have fun and can laugh at all the absurdity around us. Also, we got a yummy lunch - a chicken pot pie for me, and then we shared a piece of blueberry pie. Yum!! Comfort food!!

The important thing though is how big are my follies. The answer is... I have only one follie this time, and she's 15mm. The size part is good, but the one follie part is not so good. See what I meant yesterday, double doses sure aren't going to hyper-stimulate me!! Not that I confessed to the nurse, but it's a darn good thing we've been taking more of the Bravelle than prescribed. I'm sure it would have been much worse if we hadn't been.

So this was pretty disappointing news.

Still, theoretically, it only takes one, right? It is still possible, of course - but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't feeling down about this. I'd really hoped we'd maybe end up with three nice follies to up our chances.

But every day holds the possibility of a miracle, right?

Tomorrow morning I go back in for another u/s. (The u/s is $450.00 each, by the way. That's our discounted amount. Ugh!!! Nowadays, I hear cash register sounds with every step I take.) Anyhow, IUI will probably be Wednesday or Thursday. Oh how I hope it works!!

Today, while waiting for the clinic elevator, Ar said something very Ar-ish, which is something very sly, cute, and funny that only Ar would ever come up with. As I looked over at him, it just made me very happy that he was with me. Everything is better when he's with me! It also, once again, made me sooooooo want his kid. So I said, "If this works and we have a boy, I wonder if he'll come out with a full beard and a little baby Aussie hat, just like you?" I think it was one of those you-had-to-be-there kinda things, but we both cracked up. See, Ar has been sporting a full beard lately - very distinguished!!! His Aussie/outback hat has long been part of his signature look. He's the rugged sort - and I don't mind saying that he wears the rugged look quite well!! Anyhow, I just had this hilarious mental image of our little baby boy - a mini bearded, hat wearing Ar.

Dare to dream...

A week in the life

This past week was really busy, both with work and with social outings. It's been a refreshing weekend, and thankfully, it's not over yet because tomorrow is my Monday off. I get every other Monday off, a perk of my job that I've never ceased to be thankful for!!

My way has become no clearer, of course, but a lot of thoughts have been rumbling in my head this past week. I have this image of myself running... and running and running, ala Forrest Gump, I guess. Let me be clear: I don't run. I did once upon a time, but that was a long time ago. I would certainly benefit from more exercise, all around, but it's odd to me that I've been picturing myself running. As I said last time, I know I will need some kind of change if this cycle doesn't work out, maybe it would be a good time to work on getting in better shape. Not exactly a fulfilling thought to me, but it's something.

Unfortunately, I just can't see how this cycle will work out the way we pray it will. I want it so much, but my hope is waning. Right now, I can't even picture it anymore. All I picture when I think of it now is more sadness. More emptiness. And the word, childless. I hate that word!!! I would like to throw words like childless, barren, and infertile into a pile and set them on fire.

Speaking of piles, someone said to me this weekend, "If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back." No. Nope. I would not grab IF back!! Especially considering that the "problem" that started this exchange was a joke about it being difficult for moms to go shopping with their children, and that family vacations are a lot of work for mom. Yep, I'd be fine with grabbing those two "problems!" It's so hard to hear such petty complaints about children, whether meant humorously or not. I know that it's a lot easier to just grab your purse and head out the door, and do your thing... I get that. I'm just saying, consider the alternative. I hear these complaints so often, and it's just really hard. Honestly, it's getting harder as we get closer to the end of treatment.

Still, we are going forward for this cycle and I surely do hope it works!! I surely do hope to find out the horrors of having to shop with one's children!! You can guarantee that you won't hear me complaining about it, if I ever do.

Anyhow, today was CD10. I had an u/s on CD8, which was Friday morning. My follies looked good. I had two righties, both of which were 10mm, and one lefty, which was 8mm. Since they were looking pretty good this time, the nurse told me to decrease from taking two vials of Bravelle to just one vial, and to come back on Monday (CD11.) However, this being our last cycle, Ar and I mutually decided to - for once in my life - be slightly less than compliant... And so, I've still been taking two vials of Bravelle. I mean, I'm not exactly at risk for hyper-stimulating, obviously, so we thought we should do what we can to increase our chances - it being our last hurrah and all! The more follies the merrier, after all. Theoretically it increases my chances of having multiples, but again, yeah right!! Besides, twins would be A-OK by us.

The rest of Friday was a blur of work related busy-ness. I had to interview several candidates for a job. The last candidate had worked extensively in international adoption. As such, she talked a lot about her experience working with clients, who are very emotional and distraught after dealing w/ IF for years. She talked about the difficult emotional and financial plight of IF couples. She had many specific examples of these experiences.

Talk about worlds colliding!! It was so incredibly hard to sit there and remain professional... and to not turn into the weeping IFer that we all know me to be. There were a couple of hairy moments there, where I felt myself welling up. Thank the good Lord that I was able to keep on the straight and narrow interview path. Phew!!!! If she hadn't gone into such detail, and if she hadn't spoken with empathy and compassion for our plight, it would have been easier. Instead, it felt like someone actually kind of got it, and she reminded me ever so much of what I try so hard to keep boxed up during the work day. I obviously do not always succeed at keeping it in a box, but I can't imagine a worse time to burst into weepy tears than when I'm interviewing a job candidate in front of my boss.

But x always equals infertility.

I was exhausted by the time Friday drew to a close. Saturday afternoon was spent with a dear friend, then Ar was home. Sunday, I slept till 1:30 pm. Yikes!! But boy it felt good!! When Ar came home from work, we went to the beach. That was lovely and refreshing!! I love when Ar can be home on the weekends, even though he has to work for part of them.

I guess that's the good, the bad, and the ugly of my week. Let's see what this next week brings.

"I lift up my eyes to the mountains— where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth." (Psalm 121 1-2)

Head full of hunny

I started crying in the hallway at work today because a colleague told me to get my master's degree. She said I really need to get it because I'm so smart and talented that if I just got a graduate degree I'd have only the sky as my limit. Sounds nice, right? Probably not a normal reason to cry, now is it? Especially since at work I have become very good at keeping my game-face on.

Still, there I stood crying like a fool because... well, because I don't care about master's degrees and careers. I just don't. It's all good and important stuff, but I want to be a mom. That's my priority. That's what is of value to me. Therefore, that's where my time, money, and heart have gone over the last several years, while my colleague was putting her time and money towards her master's degree... She is now leaving the company for a much higher level of work and pay. Of course, she has two kids already - she had them before she went back for her master's. She's a few years younger than I am. It feels like some people get it all, doesn't it?

The last few days I've been struggling more and more with all of this. What will I do if this doesn't work out? I'll be 41 by the time I find out if this cycle worked. Sheesh!! 41!! And I have no idea what I'm going to do with myself. Every time I even look into getting my master's degree, I get that same feeling of dread and emptiness that made me cry this afternoon in the hallway. It's just not where my heart is.

Though my job is important to me, and I mostly feel good about it, my passion will never be in careers, titles, or education. IF has made me stuck. I mean, if I had kids, it's not like they would be the only thing in my life. I'm more well-rounded than that (or at least I used to be.) All the trauma and hard work of IF seems to have made me stuck. Where most people can achieve children and family without any unusual effort, while healthfully moving forward in their life, I've simply gotten stuck. I need to "get busy living or get busy dying," but I don't know how. What should I get busy with? Nothing even comes to mind. I seem to have forgotten what, if anything, else I wanted to do with my life.

I do know this, if this last hurrah cycle doesn't work out, I feel I need a change. I don't know what, but something... I keep telling Ar that I wish I could just quit my job and travel around with him doing his business. We work really well together, and it's fun. We could go away for longer and better shows if we were together, because Ar wouldn't have me at home as incentive to come back home quickly. Of course, we're not in a position to do that.

Well, I don't have the answers, but I imagine I will be pondering these things often in my near future. I pray for wisdom.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." (Proverbs 3:5-6)

Infertile father's day

What do people do on these holidays when their own dad has long-since passed on, and they have no kids of their own to help celebrate dad? Well, with Ar away on business, I bake him bread, make him meatballs and spaghetti, gaze sadly over all the insurance EOBs that came in yesterday, and watch the clock for Ar to come home - and for when I need to start taking my injections again. Today is CD3, after all.

The first two activities make me happy. I love to bake bread and I love to make meatballs and spaghetti - and I particularly love to do these for Ar!! These are two of his very most requested items that I make. I never really understand why people buy bread and buy meatballs; they're so easy to make at home - and oh so much better. Of course, some people think babies are so easy to make at home too.... not so for all of us.

So, yeah - the EOBs are pouring in like nobody's business. Boy oh boy, I sure hope the clinic gives some kind of break on these. I haven't heard back from them about that, yet. I just sat there paging through these feeling like I was going to be physically sick. And these are from the cycle just past... so we'll still have this whole upcoming cycle. I honestly see absolutely no way we can continue on after this. I'm trying to cling to the hope I had from that rainbow I wrote about in my last post, but I just feel sick.

Counting forward, the first week or so of my 41st year of life will either be the happiest or saddest week of my life. While my darling Ar is already a dad, a wonderful dad, I so want him to give him another child - our child.

And quite frankly, I miss my own daddy.

Yet you, Lord, are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand. (Isaiah 64:8)

Sunshine, lollipops, and....

"God puts rainbows in the clouds
so that each of us
– in the dreariest and most dreaded moments –
can see a possibility of hope."
(Maya Angelou)

Today, a day earlier than expected, AF showed up. Because we've decided to proceed with another cycle, out-of-pocket, I had to get in for a baseline u/s to make sure the medications hadn't caused any damage.

It was so hard walking back in there this time... I parked in the parking ramp, and as I slowly walked across the sky-way, it felt like I was walking the green mile. I swear I heard a voice calling out, "DEAD (WO)MAN WALKING!" My heart was heavy with failure and loss. I'd really dared believe that this last cycle was it.... Yet here I was... once again walking down that sky-way tunnel of doom.

Defeated, I walked into the waiting room and sat down. There were a few other people waiting. About five minutes later, Nurse Patty came out and called one of the other people in. Patty looked annoyed because the other person took quite awhile collecting her laptop and papers etc. The woman apologized, but said she'd had to wait so long that she needed to do some work. Patty took a look around the waiting room, then asked the receptionist to call Nurse Kristy in to help with patients. I imagine this was Kristy's documentation/work time.

Soon Nurse Kristy came out and called me. Kristy is the one I've mentioned before, who has a hard time finding my ovaries sometimes... but she's by far the friendliest and most empathetic nurse there. She's the one that actually tries to connect with me. Patty is the one I like the least. There's something judgy feeling about her - I don't know. It's fine, but I'm never happy to get her, even though she's a whiz at ovary spelunking.

This play by play does have a point, in case you're wondering....

So I followed Kristy in and got ready. When she came back in, she told me she's sad to see me back here. I felt like she really meant it. I agreed, and then I just blurted out, misty-eyed, that this would probably be our last cycle because insurance ran out. She asked me some questions and was empathetic about the unfairness of it all. She asked how much the Bravelle would be per vial. I told her the best I'd found so far was $58.00 per vial. She offered to bring in some phone numbers of specialty pharmacies that may be cheaper. So we finished up - everything looks fine in there - I got dressed and waited for her to come back in.

A few minutes later, she walked back in carrying two full boxes of Bravelle - 10 vials. She looked at my purse and said, "I'm so glad you have such a big purse! Here, put these in it." I just stared at her... and said, "What do you mean?" She said, "Put these in your purse, they're yours." I actually started to cry... I just couldn't believe it. That's $580.00 worth of Bravelle!!! It's huge!!

I just felt overwhelmed - like this rainbow opening before my very eyes. Kristy said she feels that patients like me deserve to get a little extra help when we need it. I just sat there with my hand over my heart, crying - but this time with happiness. I couldn't thank her enough. Her eyes actually misted up too, as I gushed out my appreciation... Just such a blessing, I couldn't believe it.

I mean, can you imagine what a relief this was for me?? We still have one leftover box at home, so this could possibly get me through this cycle - depending how long it goes this time, of course.

Thing is, I wasn't even supposed to have Kristy - I was supposed to have Patty... Who knows, but I just don't think Patty would have done the same thing. She's more adept at finding my ovaries, but she doesn't have Kristy's compassionate ways. She never converses with me, or inquires into anything like Kristy does. I am so grateful!!

Ar was completely flabbergasted when I told him about this. Ar doesn't get flabbergasted very often! We were both so touched by this ray of goodness; a final bright act in a week that's been filled with grief.

Now here I was filled with sudden hope. Thank you, Lord! Thank you so much!!!

^"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." (James 1:17)

What hand is this?

Oh how tired I am. I haven't slept in days now. I can't wait till Saturday. I hope to sleep and sleep and sleep... sleep until I wake up.

AF will probably show up on Saturday, I imagine. Then we'll start it up again - one last hurrah. I've called a few places to price out Bravelle. Seems the RE's pharmacy will be the best deal at $58.00 a vial. This past cycle I went through around 20 or more vials. The cycle went so long that I've lost the exact count, but it's a lot of vials! The prescription is the only item we'll have to pay up front, so we'll use our FSA to pay for that. I hope that this cycle will not go as long, so we don't have to spend as much, but of course I hope we get another couple nice follies - more would be preferable.

Ar says we'll find a way to do more, but I just don't see how.

Poor Ar, he's watched me cry almost non-stop for the past three days now. I keep promising him I'll stop soon, but there's always more there. He's so good to me, he doesn't get frustrated with me - with his shell of a wife. I keep thinking, he didn't marry a crazed sobbing-all-the-time woman!!! Doesn't he feel cheated? He doesn't seem to. Instead, he just loves me. I can see that I make him sad when I'm like this, though. I mean, he's definitely sad and disappointed about the failed cycles and BFNs too, of course, but it's not exactly the same for him. However, I'm coming to see that him seeing me so heart broken gets to him more than anything. I know he wishes he could fix this for me, for us, but there is no fix - there's only more trying. I love how he cares for me. I've said this so many times here, but I'm just so blessed to have such a loving husband. He is so tender and sweet, and funny... and true.

I've said this before too, but the deeper I know and love that man, the more I want to make a child with him.

But we don't always get what we want, do we.

And if children were only born out of true love, there would be a lot fewer kids in the world.

I've been having this silly philosophical notion in my head about Solitaire - you know, the card game. Well, I haven't played it on actual cards in maybe 20 years, which is what actually leads to my debate. On my Solitaire phone app, I can choose to play either a "winning hand," or a "random hand." If I were playing on real cards, I'd obviously have to play a random hand every time. I go back and forth on which one I choose. When I choose winning hand, but then lose, it's incredibly frustrating. I find myself replaying that same hand over and over to try to change the outcome. I know it's possible to win, after all, so a loss just isn't acceptable to me.

It's funny though - I'll see myself making the exact same moves, knowing I'm heading down the same losing path... sometimes I just don't see another way. Or I don't realize I made the exact same move until after I did it. Then I'll purposely try to do something different - anything at all. Who knows which move will be that game changer. I just know there is a right way and I have to keep working it until I find it. If I lose, it's because I made a wrong move - though I'll never know exactly which one was wrong.

When I play a random hand, I still very much want to win - but if I lose, I don't blame myself so much. I tend to just assume it wasn't possible to win. As such, I don't find myself replaying those games very often, even though it stands to reason that if I made different moves, I could have possibly won those games on the second try. Just because I lost the first try doesn't mean it wasn't possible to win that particular random hand, but I tend to give up sooner anyhow. For that reason, I sort of prefer to play the winning hand, but it adds more pressure. As the game maker points out, a winning hand does not mean it's an easy hand - it just means winning is possible.

Wouldn't it be something if we knew, in things more important than a game, that we have a winning hand. If we knew that it is possible to win if only we find the right combination of moves.

In the back of my mind, and in my heart, I seem to always think that we surely must have a winning hand. We just need to make the right moves at the right times and it will work out. If it doesn't, we just need to hit that replay button and try again. That's not really the way things work outside of phone apps/computer games, though is it? No promise was made that I would have a winning hand in the game of fertility. Even though there's no way to know if it's possible to win with my hand, my nagging optimism tells me there is a way -- there is a way! Persevere, try it a little different this time, just keep at it - it's there if you just keep looking!! It's getting exhausting though. At what point do I acknowledge that perhaps this hand cannot be won?

As a child of God, I trust that Jesus came that we - that I - might have life, and have it to the full. It's just so hard to hang on to that when it seems the world is falling apart around me, when my heart is shattered to bits, and when my every ounce hurts something fierce.

Save me, O God,
for the waters have come up to my neck.
I sink in the miry depths,
where there is no foothold.
I have come into the deep waters;
the floods engulf me.
I am worn out calling for help;
my throat is parched.
My eyes fail,
looking for my God.
Those who hate me without reason
outnumber the hairs of my head;
many are my enemies without cause,
those who seek to destroy me.
I am forced to restore
what I did not steal.
You, God, know my folly;
my guilt is not hidden from you.
(Psalm 69: 1-5)

Thank you so much for those of you who are praying for us and with us. I'm so grateful.

Horrible ranting (read at your own risk)

Oh, it's been a real swell couple of days. Real red-letter alright. Yesterday after my BFN I went to work, game-face on. I kept it on all day, until I sat down in my car after work and sobbed all the way home, then sobbed pretty much all night. Dinner? Dinner was a piece of German chocolate cake that Ar brought me to attempt to cheer me up. I didn't sleep. Once I was caught up on Words with Friends, which is a lovely distraction, I resumed sobbing. I don't know where this endless supply of tears comes from. Or where the strange sounds that accompany them come from. Are those sounds really coming from me?

Just to be sure, and since today was the official POAS day, I did POAS again this morning. BFN, of course.

Today, under my work game-face, I've been alternating between waves of violent feelings (against that stupid little stick I peed on), deep deep sadness, bitterness, anger, despair, orneriness at the blatant and abundant fertility of the Facebook community, and wanting to let the world just know exactly how I feel about it... I want to punch the universe in the stupid head!!!! Repeatedly!!!! Yes, if given the opportunity, I would punch the universe straight in the head, and kick it while it's down.

Furthermore, I want to tell the people complaining about their kids to just SHUT UP!!!!! People are already dreading summer vacation because their kids will be around all summer!! What?? Do they have any idea what others of us would do to have their "problems?" And oh, you had to stay up half the night w/ your kid? I am sorry about that - really, but does anyone know or care that I was up all night, crying? As a result, my husband was also up all night. It's definitely not the first time, either... For us though, there's no bright spot, no silver lining, no precious moments to balance out the difficulties. Just nothingness. I don't begrudge anyone their right to post whatever they want, I do get it, but man does it boil my bum some days anyhow!!! Why do some people have the luxury of complaining about their blessings? It makes no sense. It's so unfair. Why do some people get to choose, and some of us have no choice whatsoever?

Yeah, don't even get me started on our kindergarten teachers who taught us about fairness... As if!!!

And my dear Heavenly Father - why, why why why why why WHY!!!!!!???? WHY? Once again, I revert right back to all my old questions... another vicious cycle I don't know how to stop. Am I not good enough? What did I do wrong? Am I being punished? Why, God, why?? Why? And what am I supposed to do? I can't get through this. I know these are lies, they are - but they feel more true than anything I've ever known. I just can't understand any of this. My body is supposed to do this - why does it constantly betray me?? Why am I so defective? Everything looked so good this month. I had two follies. TWO!!! One on each side. It looked so good. But still, another failure.

If you haven't noticed, I don't have a single Godly, grace-filled, positive, or noble feeling or thought in my entire body right now. No prayers of St. Francis, no inspirational songs, no bright side. This is just me right now. I'm not very likable, I know. I'm not proud of it, it's just how it is. It's part of it, part of me.

I so appreciate having IF friends because I can be pretty honest there, and I can express my gallows humor. As upset as I am, I won't unleash this crazy, unbridled negativity on the world - unless you're unfortunate enough to be reading my blog, that is. But I won't be an inferti-jacker, I won't hurt other people just because I'm hurt. That's all I can offer the world right now.

I am thankful to have a safe place at home with Ar, and a precious few friends who understand.

My stomach is still messed up, and every other ounce of me hurts right now. If anyone even reads this, sorry for my horrible ranting. I've always been honest here though, and this is me right now.

A day early and a dollar short

Ar has to leave for work at 3:30 am tomorrow morning, and I wanted him there, so I cheated and POAS a day early. Why am I surprised? Did I really think it would work this time... just because everything seemed perfect? Just because this was our best cycle yet? Just because I've been feeling super funky for the last week or so? Just because this was the last cycle insurance would pay anything on? Were those reasons for a BFP? Nope... turns out they really weren't. They were just more nothings that resulted in a BFN.

Another BFN.

We went through our EOBs on our insurance website last night... sure enough, this last cycle's extra expenses are probably going to deplete our remaining FSA for the calendar year - and then some.

Ahh, just another red-letter day in the life of an aging IFer.

But my husband is a prince among men. What would I do without him? I'm so grateful for him. Of course, that just makes me want a child with him all the more.

Anyhow, tomorrow is the official POAS day, so I will test again tomorrow - just to be sure. But at only a day early, today's results would be extremely (95%) accurate.

I am beyond sad. I just feel... empty. But here I am at work, game face on. And all I could think of was this song by Flight of the Conchords, which at least provides me with some dark amusement. Yeah, I'm not crying either.

And then there was none

There are only three more sleeps until I POAS. I hope the next two days will go as fast as the last few have. I'm all the more anxious to POAS now, because last night I saw that the most recent EOB from our insurance company had showed up. The last ultrasound billed is 100% our responsibility this time. We have reached the max that insurance will pay for our infertility treatment.

I'm so grateful that we've at least had a limited benefit, as many others have no infertility benefits at all. Still, we have already been paying our coinsurance amounts all along - and now... well, I don't know. I have to say that it seems that the end is definitely now in sight. We still have some FSA money left for this calendar year, but it won't go that far.

I knew we'd run out during this cycle, so it's not that it was a huge shock, but it's still upsetting now that it's here. I aimed for a healthy dose of denial over that subject. Plus, this current cycle was a lot more expensive because it went so much longer than usual. It was more ultrasounds, more labs, and more Bravelle than expected, so our FSA may end up almost depleted by this cycle.

Ar and I discussed this a bit this afternoon at lunch, but it's still uncertain exactly what we'll do. We are just so hoping that this cycle worked. If so, then this is it. However, if this cycle didn't work, I am not sure what we'll do. Originally we'd said we would do one more, if necessary, after insurance ran out because we'd have FSA. Because it was so much more expensive this cycle, I'm not sure we'll still be able to count on FSA to do that extra cycle, as planned. We'll see. It's hard to figure out exactly how much a cycle costs because every cycle is different, as proven by this one. We don't exactly have a big stockpile of cash to pay for much more treatment, which doesn't even have great odds for me. Probably, we'd still do the one more in June, if need be. After that.... ?

I think the end is in sight.

This problem was my first thought this morning when I woke up. My second thought was... but maybe it worked already.

We will find out after three more sleeps.

Thoughts on drowning

Thankfully, the last few days have been ridiculously busy at work... which has left me barely any time to obsess over our situation. My tummy has continued to be distressed, and when not at work, I find myself weepy over the weirdest little things. Otherwise we've been IF uneventful since my last (panicky sounding) post a few days ago.

There are five more sleeps till I have to POAS. I was going to wait because of a work training I have to take on my POAS day, but I've decided I can't wait this time. Plus, if it's a BFN, I don't want to delay our next cycle.

Speaking of the bad if, if it's a BFN... Tonight I was trying to plan out my next trip down to Milwaukee. My family always has a "summer birthdays" get-together. All of us, except my mom and aunt, have summer birthdays. They let me pick the date since we have to travel. I was looking at dates towards the end of June/beginning of July. I was all set to pick June 29-July 1, but then I realized that if this is a BFN, then right around that weekend is when we'd be in the thick of the next IUI. Those would be about CDs 14 and 15. Especially considering how long this last cycle went, there's no way I would be ok with being gone then.

It sure made me sad to be almost assuming this is a BFN, but that is my experience. I hope it's a BFP - if it is, I could let my family know when I go down. (Except that Ar won't be able to be there, so I don't know...) But... the reality is, I had to do the count forward and avoid scheduling that weekend.

I don't know why it has to be like this. And I don't know why so many of us have to deal with this... this indescribable pain and grief.

The lovely thing about having such dear IF friends is that I know I'm not alone. I guess misery really does love company, eh? It's wonderful to have people who are there with me, praying, encouraging, and supporting. The difficult thing about having such dear IF friends is that when they are (again) disappointed and when their pain (again) grows even deeper, it breaks my heart too. It's not the same, of course, but I find myself praying, hoping, and believing so much for some of my friends - usually more for them than for me because I truly believe it for them. Much as I want it, I think my time has past, or, more likely, has just never been... But they - these handful of dear friends, none of whom I've ever even met in person, for them I just want it so much. They would make the loveliest of mamas. It's so devastating, this IF thief. He doesn't just rob us once, he comes back month after month after month.... year after year after year... for some, even decade after decade. He just keeps taking. How is it that we keep having more for him to steal - aren't we empty yet? How is it that we don't just break?

This week, a work friend posted a link to a blog post titled, "Drowning doesn't look like drowning." That title captivated me - I thought it meant drowning in a metaphorical sense, but no - it meant actual drowning. It's an excellent post about watching for the true warning signs of drowning, which are often missed because of the way drowning victims are portrayed on television. The writer was discussing how the signs are quite the opposite of the thrashing and screaming fictional victims.

However, the reason I'd read it was because of the metaphorical image I had upon reading that title. It's not fully fleshed out in my head, but I realize how true it is that drowning (metaphorically speaking) doesn't really look like drowning. Immediately, I thought of us IF people - and the scores of other walking wounded. We laugh and smile and do our thing. We bite out tongue and move on. Most people have no idea.

I'm so thankful that God made us for community, and that even in the most hideous of circumstances, He has led me to such beautiful community. I'm blessed in so many ways. I'm sure there are so many hurting that do not have such a community, or who might not have people close to them, who know they're hurting. Is anyone watching them? I don't know what to do about that, but to try to pay attention outside of myself, to watch for signs of drowning - whether or not it looks like drowning. I can at least try to stay aware of those in my purview. I suspect there's so much more pain lurking behind smiles and laughter than we may ever know. Most people, who don't really know me, would have no idea that I walk around every day... grieved. I am so blessed though, my life is full of love, grace, mercy, and such amazing people. So though grieved, I am not broken.

Still, it stands to reason that the walking wounded are strong in number. In the midst of my own grief, I pray that I may seek to comfort, more than I seek comfort.

Prayer of Saint Francis of Assisi

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
Amen

The 2nd week

Did I recently write that the 2ww was pretty uneventful and calm? Hmm. The crazies have begun - and let me just tell you... I'm terrified.

I'm terrified because I want this so much, and right now I'm not sure I can take another heartbreak. I'm more terrified than usual because I have been super nauseated for two days, all I want to do is sleep, I have heartburn, and the weirdest of all is that I've had this strange taste in my mouth - almost metallic.

Of course, everyone gets nauseated and tired sometimes, but the heartburn and strange taste are downright bizarre for me. In fact, I didn't even know they can be pregnancy symptoms until I consulted Dr. Google, which is always a mistake. But, honestly, I've never had anything like that before, so I wasn't even thinking pregnancy... but that's the first thing that came up.

I'm 7 dpo (days past ovulation), which means I'm into the 2nd week of the 2ww. It seems this is too early for symptoms, right? Not according to Dr. Google, though.

To top it all off, this morning, Ar informed me that my breasts look bigger. They don't look bigger to me, but they do look... well, different.

So I am just terrified.

I do not want to spend the next week thinking about these things and wondering - torture. I do not want these symptoms if I am not pregnant. I can't even write these things without crying. I just don't know if I can handle if I start to really believe, and then find out it's not true. I want this so much, I'm just not sure I can take it if I'm not. I just can't let myself believe, but with all these bizarre symptoms, some of which I couldn't just be imagining, it's hard to not start to believe. I'm just not sure I can handle it.

No - that's not true. I've done it before, I can do it again because "if I stand, let me stand on the promise that You will see me through, and if I can't - let me fall on the Grace that first brought me to you." (Rich Mullins)

But that doesn't make me any less terrified. Oh Lord, help.

Into the first week

So far this 2ww has been uneventful, which is good! I haven't really been thinking much (read, obsessing), which is also good! So, so far so good! We'll see how next week goes. Typically, the second week of the 2ww is worse for me - one can only distract themselves from reality for so long, you know. Well, a healthy, sane person can only distract themselves from reality for so long, anyhow... GLEEPS!!!!! That is the first time I ever referred to myself as healthy and sane!!!! Interesting! That might be a sign I need to get back into therapy and/or up my meds... After all, calling myself healthy and sane can't possibly be healthy or sane, right???!!!

Anyhow, I don't have too much to report, but I at least wanted to check in and document my progress so far. I haven't changed any of my habits this time, except to greatly reduce caffeine - even though I drink very little of it anyhow, and to avoid ice cream. Ok, that part is still my superstition, but hey - it's not like I need the calories.

I'm also super sleepy from the progesterone suppositories I have to take two times daily. They always knock me right out.

Regardless, I managed to have a pleasant and productive weekend. I was sad though, because Ar was gone all weekend for business. That's not unusual, but for the last several weekends, I've been lucky to have him working nearby. I love when he's home!!! But I did a lot of reading, as well as errands, and baking and such.

Oh, now this is news. I made the worst bread ever today!! I'm a relatively accomplished baker, but apparently not the best shopper... I could have sworn I had another bottle of yeast in the cupboard.... I had everything in the mixer already - including half the yeast - when I realized that I had no more yeast. This has never happened to me before, because I'm also generally pretty organized. Well, I tried to modify, but there's really no good substitute for yeast. Here, I'd felt so proud that despite how late I slept in, I still got all my errands and my baking done - but it's more like a loaf of brick than a loaf of bread. Ar actually wants to keep it though. He did suggest that I not make it this way again - ha ha - but that it wasn't too bad. He'll work at it - at least until I can make him my usual bread next weekend. (I never buy bread - I always bake it, so if I don't bake, there's no bread.) Oh well, it's good to be humbled!! At least the Tuna Tetrazzini turned out great!

So, that's about it for me. Nothing too thrilling. I will continue to try to not think too hard about anything. It's better that way. But I am still hoping. Occasionally, when I've been conscious of my hope over this last week, a little voice in my head tells me to knock it off! To stop hoping - that it's really, really unlikely that I'm pregnant, so I shouldn't get my hopes up. I know that voice is right, but I'm trying to ignore it anyhow. Right now, there's nothing I can do but wait and try to not obsess. Keeping hope in balance is incredibly difficult, especially during the 2ww. I hope and hope, but if I hope too much, if I let myself believe, then a BFN will be all that much worse... I don't want a BFN, but I've never known anything else.

"Teach us, O Lord, the disciplines of patience, for to wait is often harder than to work." (Peter Marshall)