AF will probably show up on Saturday, I imagine. Then we'll start it up again - one last hurrah. I've called a few places to price out Bravelle. Seems the RE's pharmacy will be the best deal at $58.00 a vial. This past cycle I went through around 20 or more vials. The cycle went so long that I've lost the exact count, but it's a lot of vials! The prescription is the only item we'll have to pay up front, so we'll use our FSA to pay for that. I hope that this cycle will not go as long, so we don't have to spend as much, but of course I hope we get another couple nice follies - more would be preferable.
Ar says we'll find a way to do more, but I just don't see how.
Poor Ar, he's watched me cry almost non-stop for the past three days now. I keep promising him I'll stop soon, but there's always more there. He's so good to me, he doesn't get frustrated with me - with his shell of a wife. I keep thinking, he didn't marry a crazed sobbing-all-the-time woman!!! Doesn't he feel cheated? He doesn't seem to. Instead, he just loves me. I can see that I make him sad when I'm like this, though. I mean, he's definitely sad and disappointed about the failed cycles and BFNs too, of course, but it's not exactly the same for him. However, I'm coming to see that him seeing me so heart broken gets to him more than anything. I know he wishes he could fix this for me, for us, but there is no fix - there's only more trying. I love how he cares for me. I've said this so many times here, but I'm just so blessed to have such a loving husband. He is so tender and sweet, and funny... and true.
I've said this before too, but the deeper I know and love that man, the more I want to make a child with him.
But we don't always get what we want, do we.
And if children were only born out of true love, there would be a lot fewer kids in the world.
I've been having this silly philosophical notion in my head about Solitaire - you know, the card game. Well, I haven't played it on actual cards in maybe 20 years, which is what actually leads to my debate. On my Solitaire phone app, I can choose to play either a "winning hand," or a "random hand." If I were playing on real cards, I'd obviously have to play a random hand every time. I go back and forth on which one I choose. When I choose winning hand, but then lose, it's incredibly frustrating. I find myself replaying that same hand over and over to try to change the outcome. I know it's possible to win, after all, so a loss just isn't acceptable to me.
It's funny though - I'll see myself making the exact same moves, knowing I'm heading down the same losing path... sometimes I just don't see another way. Or I don't realize I made the exact same move until after I did it. Then I'll purposely try to do something different - anything at all. Who knows which move will be that game changer. I just know there is a right way and I have to keep working it until I find it. If I lose, it's because I made a wrong move - though I'll never know exactly which one was wrong.
When I play a random hand, I still very much want to win - but if I lose, I don't blame myself so much. I tend to just assume it wasn't possible to win. As such, I don't find myself replaying those games very often, even though it stands to reason that if I made different moves, I could have possibly won those games on the second try. Just because I lost the first try doesn't mean it wasn't possible to win that particular random hand, but I tend to give up sooner anyhow. For that reason, I sort of prefer to play the winning hand, but it adds more pressure. As the game maker points out, a winning hand does not mean it's an easy hand - it just means winning is possible.
Wouldn't it be something if we knew, in things more important than a game, that we have a winning hand. If we knew that it is possible to win if only we find the right combination of moves.
In the back of my mind, and in my heart, I seem to always think that we surely must have a winning hand. We just need to make the right moves at the right times and it will work out. If it doesn't, we just need to hit that replay button and try again. That's not really the way things work outside of phone apps/computer games, though is it? No promise was made that I would have a winning hand in the game of fertility. Even though there's no way to know if it's possible to win with my hand, my nagging optimism tells me there is a way -- there is a way! Persevere, try it a little different this time, just keep at it - it's there if you just keep looking!! It's getting exhausting though. At what point do I acknowledge that perhaps this hand cannot be won?
As a child of God, I trust that Jesus came that we - that I - might have life, and have it to the full. It's just so hard to hang on to that when it seems the world is falling apart around me, when my heart is shattered to bits, and when my every ounce hurts something fierce.
Save me, O God,
for the waters have come up to my neck.
I sink in the miry depths,
where there is no foothold.
I have come into the deep waters;
the floods engulf me.
I am worn out calling for help;
my throat is parched.
My eyes fail,
looking for my God.
Those who hate me without reason
outnumber the hairs of my head;
many are my enemies without cause,
those who seek to destroy me.
I am forced to restore
what I did not steal.
You, God, know my folly;
my guilt is not hidden from you.
(Psalm 69: 1-5)
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