This past week was really busy, both with work and with social outings. It's been a refreshing weekend, and thankfully, it's not over yet because tomorrow is my Monday off. I get every other Monday off, a perk of my job that I've never ceased to be thankful for!!
My way has become no clearer, of course, but a lot of thoughts have been rumbling in my head this past week. I have this image of myself running... and running and running, ala Forrest Gump, I guess. Let me be clear: I don't run. I did once upon a time, but that was a long time ago. I would certainly benefit from more exercise, all around, but it's odd to me that I've been picturing myself running. As I said last time, I know I will need some kind of change if this cycle doesn't work out, maybe it would be a good time to work on getting in better shape. Not exactly a fulfilling thought to me, but it's something.
Unfortunately, I just can't see how this cycle will work out the way we pray it will. I want it so much, but my hope is waning. Right now, I can't even picture it anymore. All I picture when I think of it now is more sadness. More emptiness. And the word, childless. I hate that word!!! I would like to throw words like childless, barren, and infertile into a pile and set them on fire.
Speaking of piles, someone said to me this weekend, "If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back." No. Nope. I would not grab IF back!! Especially considering that the "problem" that started this exchange was a joke about it being difficult for moms to go shopping with their children, and that family vacations are a lot of work for mom. Yep, I'd be fine with grabbing those two "problems!" It's so hard to hear such petty complaints about children, whether meant humorously or not. I know that it's a lot easier to just grab your purse and head out the door, and do your thing... I get that. I'm just saying, consider the alternative. I hear these complaints so often, and it's just really hard. Honestly, it's getting harder as we get closer to the end of treatment.
Still, we are going forward for this cycle and I surely do hope it works!! I surely do hope to find out the horrors of having to shop with one's children!! You can guarantee that you won't hear me complaining about it, if I ever do.
Anyhow, today was CD10. I had an u/s on CD8, which was Friday morning. My follies looked good. I had two righties, both of which were 10mm, and one lefty, which was 8mm. Since they were looking pretty good this time, the nurse told me to decrease from taking two vials of Bravelle to just one vial, and to come back on Monday (CD11.) However, this being our last cycle, Ar and I mutually decided to - for once in my life - be slightly less than compliant... And so, I've still been taking two vials of Bravelle. I mean, I'm not exactly at risk for hyper-stimulating, obviously, so we thought we should do what we can to increase our chances - it being our last hurrah and all! The more follies the merrier, after all. Theoretically it increases my chances of having multiples, but again, yeah right!! Besides, twins would be A-OK by us.
The rest of Friday was a blur of work related busy-ness. I had to interview several candidates for a job. The last candidate had worked extensively in international adoption. As such, she talked a lot about her experience working with clients, who are very emotional and distraught after dealing w/ IF for years. She talked about the difficult emotional and financial plight of IF couples. She had many specific examples of these experiences.
Talk about worlds colliding!! It was so incredibly hard to sit there and remain professional... and to not turn into the weeping IFer that we all know me to be. There were a couple of hairy moments there, where I felt myself welling up. Thank the good Lord that I was able to keep on the straight and narrow interview path. Phew!!!! If she hadn't gone into such detail, and if she hadn't spoken with empathy and compassion for our plight, it would have been easier. Instead, it felt like someone actually kind of got it, and she reminded me ever so much of what I try so hard to keep boxed up during the work day. I obviously do not always succeed at keeping it in a box, but I can't imagine a worse time to burst into weepy tears than when I'm interviewing a job candidate in front of my boss.
But x always equals infertility.
I was exhausted by the time Friday drew to a close. Saturday afternoon was spent with a dear friend, then Ar was home. Sunday, I slept till 1:30 pm. Yikes!! But boy it felt good!! When Ar came home from work, we went to the beach. That was lovely and refreshing!! I love when Ar can be home on the weekends, even though he has to work for part of them.
I guess that's the good, the bad, and the ugly of my week. Let's see what this next week brings.
"I lift up my eyes to the mountains— where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth." (Psalm 121 1-2)
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