Thoughts on drowning

Thankfully, the last few days have been ridiculously busy at work... which has left me barely any time to obsess over our situation. My tummy has continued to be distressed, and when not at work, I find myself weepy over the weirdest little things. Otherwise we've been IF uneventful since my last (panicky sounding) post a few days ago.

There are five more sleeps till I have to POAS. I was going to wait because of a work training I have to take on my POAS day, but I've decided I can't wait this time. Plus, if it's a BFN, I don't want to delay our next cycle.

Speaking of the bad if, if it's a BFN... Tonight I was trying to plan out my next trip down to Milwaukee. My family always has a "summer birthdays" get-together. All of us, except my mom and aunt, have summer birthdays. They let me pick the date since we have to travel. I was looking at dates towards the end of June/beginning of July. I was all set to pick June 29-July 1, but then I realized that if this is a BFN, then right around that weekend is when we'd be in the thick of the next IUI. Those would be about CDs 14 and 15. Especially considering how long this last cycle went, there's no way I would be ok with being gone then.

It sure made me sad to be almost assuming this is a BFN, but that is my experience. I hope it's a BFP - if it is, I could let my family know when I go down. (Except that Ar won't be able to be there, so I don't know...) But... the reality is, I had to do the count forward and avoid scheduling that weekend.

I don't know why it has to be like this. And I don't know why so many of us have to deal with this... this indescribable pain and grief.

The lovely thing about having such dear IF friends is that I know I'm not alone. I guess misery really does love company, eh? It's wonderful to have people who are there with me, praying, encouraging, and supporting. The difficult thing about having such dear IF friends is that when they are (again) disappointed and when their pain (again) grows even deeper, it breaks my heart too. It's not the same, of course, but I find myself praying, hoping, and believing so much for some of my friends - usually more for them than for me because I truly believe it for them. Much as I want it, I think my time has past, or, more likely, has just never been... But they - these handful of dear friends, none of whom I've ever even met in person, for them I just want it so much. They would make the loveliest of mamas. It's so devastating, this IF thief. He doesn't just rob us once, he comes back month after month after month.... year after year after year... for some, even decade after decade. He just keeps taking. How is it that we keep having more for him to steal - aren't we empty yet? How is it that we don't just break?

This week, a work friend posted a link to a blog post titled, "Drowning doesn't look like drowning." That title captivated me - I thought it meant drowning in a metaphorical sense, but no - it meant actual drowning. It's an excellent post about watching for the true warning signs of drowning, which are often missed because of the way drowning victims are portrayed on television. The writer was discussing how the signs are quite the opposite of the thrashing and screaming fictional victims.

However, the reason I'd read it was because of the metaphorical image I had upon reading that title. It's not fully fleshed out in my head, but I realize how true it is that drowning (metaphorically speaking) doesn't really look like drowning. Immediately, I thought of us IF people - and the scores of other walking wounded. We laugh and smile and do our thing. We bite out tongue and move on. Most people have no idea.

I'm so thankful that God made us for community, and that even in the most hideous of circumstances, He has led me to such beautiful community. I'm blessed in so many ways. I'm sure there are so many hurting that do not have such a community, or who might not have people close to them, who know they're hurting. Is anyone watching them? I don't know what to do about that, but to try to pay attention outside of myself, to watch for signs of drowning - whether or not it looks like drowning. I can at least try to stay aware of those in my purview. I suspect there's so much more pain lurking behind smiles and laughter than we may ever know. Most people, who don't really know me, would have no idea that I walk around every day... grieved. I am so blessed though, my life is full of love, grace, mercy, and such amazing people. So though grieved, I am not broken.

Still, it stands to reason that the walking wounded are strong in number. In the midst of my own grief, I pray that I may seek to comfort, more than I seek comfort.

Prayer of Saint Francis of Assisi

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
Amen