The letter ef and why I'm here

Efs, efs, everywhere there's efs, blocking up the scenery, breaking my mind. Do this, don't do that, can't you read the efs?  

It seems like everywhere I turn there's a ef.  The main ef I'm dealing with is a big one: Fertility - or, more to the point, the lack thereof.  Plus, I'll be Forty soon.  And I don't mean in a cute Meg Ryan "When Harry Met Sally" kind of way:

"And I'm gonna be FORTY!"  

"When?" 

"Someday!"  

Yeah, I used to think that was cute.  Now that someday is only a few months away, it's not quite so cute, anymore...  Now it just feels like a door closing.

I never thought I'd mind turning Forty.  I was never like that.  And everyone keeps saying, "oh, I loved my Forties!" and "oh, the Forties have been my best years yet!" and of course there's the old, "Forty is the new black."  But then, it's only people who have already managed to become parental units that say that.  And they just can't understand.  I don't blame them.  But where does it leave me?  Floundering, Fearful... Frantic.

I'm very nearly Forty.   And I'm inFertile.  We've been "trying," as they say, for Five years.  Futility.  And I'm aFraid.  I'm a woman of Faith, yet I am so aFraid.  

And I know how Fortunate I am! My hubby is truly a prince among men, and there's no doubt that he is with me For-all-our-days.  Many do not have what I have. 

I am so thankful and Full of love.  

And I am so sad and Full of anxiety. 

And I have nothing original or inspirational to say in a blog.  I've never particularly wanted to blog.  And yet here I am because I don't know where else to be.  I have many wonderful people in my life, yet probably none will be invited to read my blog.  I don't imagine anyone will ever read it.  I guess I just need to write it.

Psalm 23 1-2: The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters; he restores my soul.