Paste it, daddy

It is so difficult to comprehend that it's very likely I'll never be a mom.

It's almost surreal.

What countless women achieve without effort, often against their wishes even, is the impossible dream for me. The gift that so many squander is simply out of my reach. There's nothing I can do about it. It is beyond my control.

Oh, don't get me wrong, I can - and will - keep trying. As I mentioned in my last post, it's really not in me to give up. Besides, whether I try or not, I'm still always trying.... I don't think anyone is fooled by me pretending I'm not going to try. Trust me, I've tried that!

Well, maybe God will mercifully decide to flip that maternal switch in me to OFF. Maybe this innate desire, which I believe is from Him, will just go away. Maybe then I could stop trying. Stop caring. Stop hurting.

Problem is, I've never known it to work this way. I've never known God to just turn switches to OFF like that.

I want to have a child with my loving husband. Is that like a child asking for a new toy? I guess I don't think so. I mean, isn't the desire to be a mother a deep and abiding God given desire? Obviously it's also required for survival of a species, but isn't it so much more than that?

I think one of the eternal questions of an infertile Christian is:

"Why would God put this incredibly deep - and good - desire in me, if it's not meant to be?"

To many, that would sound like an awfully cruel God.

I don't think that though. He's not cruel. There is no doubt in my heart or mind that God's goodness is true and unchanging. My infertility doesn't change God, even if I don't understand the whys. Even if I don't understand why he won't put His healing touch on my withering womb.

"Jesus...
They say you taught a lame man how to dance
When he had never stood without a crutch
Well, here am I Lord, holding out my withered hands
And I'm just waiting to be touched..."
(Jesus, by Rich Mullins)

Last night it was Sisyphus. Tonight it is It's a Wonderful Life that just popped into my head as I was quoting the lyrics above.

"Paste it, daddy."