The unknown

This last week or so has been a little strange. I've done a lot of fun things... I took a fabulous twelve hour (round trip) train ride full of reading and calm, I had a lot of laughs in between those train rides, Ar and I learned to play bocce ball - and joined a league, I've had some very sweet interactions with friends, read a lot, and taken several nice walks and talks with Ar.

I've also been a little bit melancholy, a lotta bit contemplative, and a few parts brave.

Ya see, I've been facing some possibilities that none of us want to consider. It's just been my time to face these. Sometimes exploring what we consider the worst possible outcome is viewed as negative thinking, but I don't see it that way. To me, it's just reality. Remember, I've almost achieved my Ph.D. as an "optimist with experience!" Exploring the possibility of the worst, to me, is bravery. I don't want to shy away from it, or gloss it over - and I don't want to put all my eggs in one basket. (No IF pun intended!) I want to Get busy living.... because I'm not interested in getting busy dying yet.

Thing is, no matter how much I wish otherwise, wanting something badly enough will not make it so. Neither will hoping and believing with all my heart. These are unpleasant truths, but it seems that they are also freeing.

On a somewhat related side note, I'd like to point out that this post is my 100th blog post!!!! Whooohoo, cue the confetti!!! The only reason I bring this up is because, and this was certainly not planned, it means that my very first blog post (The letter ef and why I'm here), and this, my 100th blog post, both include quotes from Meg Ryan movies!!! What are the odds?? Well, that's just a small bit of trivia for you, as I'm sure it'll come in handy some day after my little blog goes viral.

Now, back to the point of this post... There's a line from "You've Got Mail" that really resonates with me. Actually, it ranks up there with some of my favorite movie lines of all time. In case you haven't seen the movie, Meg Ryan's character, Kathleen, owns a small, independent children's book shop. She inherited the store from her late mother, so the store is full of cherished memories. Really, it seems that Kathleen's entire identity lies within the walls of that quaint book shop. When a big-box chain book store opens up around the corner from her shop, it quickly becomes a threat to her little store. Kathleen fights to stay in business with all she's got - even borrowing advice from the mystery man in her life to, "take it to the mattress," ala "The Godfather." Despite her best efforts, she eventually reaches the incredibly difficult decision to close the store. She sadly tells Birdie, her quirky and wise friend/colleague (played by Edith Bunker/Jean Stapleton) about her decision. Birdie, who was also her mother's long-time friend, and who understands the importance of the shop, says this:

"Closing the store is the brave thing to do. You are daring to imagine that you could have a different life. Oh, I know it doesn't feel like that. You feel like a big fat failure now. But you're not. You are marching into the unknown armed with... nothing. Have a sandwich."

I have loved that line since the first time I heard it in the theater, in 1998. I love it all the more now! See, bravery is not a lack of fear. Bravery goes forward regardless of the fear, regardless of feelings of sadness and failure.

The difference between Kathleen Kelly and me, aside from the fact that I'm not nearly as cute and adorable as Meg Ryan, is that I'm not marching into the unknown armed with... nothing.

I may not look like I have much, and a lot of times I don't feel like I have much. I certainly don't have much by worldly standards, but I have inexplicably been given the unwavering love of this amazing guy, my dear husband. I have family and loyal friends, who love me so much. And... I have my Holy Father, God - the author of time and peace. The alpha and the omega.

"What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare His own Son, but gave Him up for us all—how will He not also, along with Him, graciously give us all things?" (Romans 8:31-32)

So then, why should I even be afraid to face the unknown future? Well, I suppose the answer to that is because I'm human... frail - fearfully and wonderfully made... "forged in the fires of human passion, choking on the fumes of selfish rage. With these our hells and our heavens, so few inches apart, we must be awfully small - and not as strong as we think we are.... " (Rich Mullins) Hmm, I guess that's another throwback to a past blog post, "Are we as strong as we think we are?"

The answer is no - I'm not as strong as I thought I was. I'm afraid and a little melancholy, but I do think I need to continue exploring the very likely possibility that the outcome of this IF journey will not be what I hope for.

I still hope. I still trust. I still believe. I am still God's child. His grace is sufficient for me.

That doesn't mean I won't keep pleading.

It doesn't mean the words, "but it's not fair!!!!!" won't keep coming to mind or mouth.

It doesn't mean the weeping will cease.

It means simply that His grace IS sufficient for me.

Even when I don't feel as if it's sufficient.

Even when I feel that it's not fair.

His grace covers all that too, because - it is sufficient for me.

So where does this all leave me. Well, I'm grateful that I've been given the opportunity to explore a little deeper the likelihood that I won't ever be a mom. That may sound hinky, but it's allowed me to dare to imagine that I could have a different life. I'm beginning to consider what other ways my life could be. I'm starting to bravely look into that abyss, which no one but God yet knows, and believe that even the worst could still result in a good life.

Right now, the thought of the worst still terrifies me because I want the life I want!!! I just do. And if I can't get it, then I at least want to stop wanting it. Is that asking so much, hmmmmm? Yes, these are the things I want - I won't pretend otherwise.

However, the more I'm facing the possibility of the worst, I strangely feel that I'm growing in confidence that I will be ok either way... trusting that my Father's grace is sufficient for me.

In more concrete news, today is CD24. AF should be here within the next week, at which time I will go in for an ultrasound, start up double doses of the Bravelle shots, do the IUI, face the dreaded 2ww, and hope like crazy!!! I will hope and hope. I will have crazy IF superstitions and worry every time I even think about ice cream or caffeine. But I will hope, and I will pray... for a miracle. And I will believe that it's possible because every day holds the possibility of a miracle, after all, because this is the day that the Lord has made.

Besides, who knows, maybe the unknown holds exactly what I hope and pray for.... or even immeasurably more than all I've asked or imagined....

Love, HJ