The hardest day of the year

Mother's Day. This is probably the hardest day of the year for a woman with IF. Mercifully, for some reason, it didn't bother me as much this year, as in past years... I did consciously try to ignore it this year, which helped. Last year I missed the actual day because we were on a plane headed for Honduras, but I still felt the full weight of the despair leading up to it.

This year was better though. Most of the tv we watch is on DVR these days, so we pass through the commercials anyhow. Mother's Day commercials are such a danger zone! Of course I bought my own mom a card, but being pressed for time, I couldn't labor too long over the cards, like I normally do. Card shopping for Mother's Day, showers, and baby births is super tough.

When I was down in Milwaukee a couple weeks ago, mom and I spent time lunching and shopping together, which was kind of like an early Mother's Day from me. I treated her to a new outfit for a special event she has this week. Of course I called her today, too! But all this just to say that, while I didn't ignore my own mom, I think I sort of skirted around all the hype over the holiday, this year.

Also, I gave myself permission to skip church. Church is always super tough on Mom's Day. Every single church I've ever been part of has all the moms stand up and the pastor bestows honor upon them, usually along with flowers or something. They deserve it - no doubt about that!!!

Though I know they deserve it, just imagine being IF when that's going on... You're sitting in your pew, barren - full of grief... wanting nothing more than to be a mom too. Maybe you've even just experienced a BFN, or a miscarriage, or some other terrible news. Seriously, I just can't emphasize enough how difficult that time is. I've literally sat there silently weeping, just being so thankful for long enough hair to cover my face as I try to keep my body from shaking too noticeably..... and just longing for escape.

I don't want to be a downer for anyone though... I don't begrudge any of it! Moms deserve a day!! They deserve so much more than a day!!! My mom friends are amazing, wonderful, and lovely women, and I so hope that they had a special and happy day today!!

But for an IFer, oooohhh - it's tough. It's so much hype, it's so much in your face... Plus, it's the main landmark that I, and many others, have for my infertility.

See, every Mother's Day I'm absolutely sure that by next Mother's Day, I'll be there too... I'll be a mom. Every Mother's Day I've been so certain that this - this Mother's Day - will be my last Mother's Day of barrenness. But here I am, another Mother's Day - another year not a mother... another year of infertility and grief.

This year... Well, I do hope it'll be my last, but I doubt it will be. So, having coped a bit better with it this year was a relief to me.

This year was different in another way too. I got my first ever Mother's Day card!!! The other day, one of my dear, sweet, long-time friends from camp sent me a card. The inside reads,

"Mother's Day is for every woman who shares her heart generously, who loves with that "mom" kind of love... who cares in the wonderful ways you do..."

As soon as I read the first clause, I'd already started sobbing!!! Ar was wondering (once again, poor guy!) what the heck was going on with me, but I had to keep reading first..... and I just started crying more and more. It was one of the very kindest things anyone has ever done for me. All I could do was hand it to him and let him read it himself. I couldn't even speak, I was so overcome. (And I'm not easily rendered speechless!)

My friend wrote in the card that when she read the following in this post that I wrote about another friend, "some people are just obviously moms, whether they have kids or not," that she knew she had to get me a Mother's Day card, because she believes that is also so true of me. Her words and encouragement to me were kind and generous - and I will never forget this!! It was my first ever Mother's Day card. I hope it won't be my last, but even if I receive a hundred more, this one will be no less special than it is today.

I'm so thankful for amazing friends!!! And of course, my Ar! Ar was also very thoughtful and amazing... as always. He brought me some beautiful roses and wrote out a very sweet and loving card for me! I am blessed, even on another barren Mother's Day.

In other news items of note this Mother's Day, today is CD3, which means I need to shoot up with my double dose of Bravelle in just a few minutes or so.

I also started looking a bit at adoption websites. I do this every now and again, but it's always so discouraging. The age limits, the up-front costs... the length of time. It's totally overwhelming and I honestly don't think it's feasible. I don't know what to do about all that. I honestly don't know that I'm "there," yet anyhow - but I really don't even want to really go there in my mind because it just seems that it'll be a dead end for us. Unless something just becomes so obvious that it's meant to be, I just don't think this is feasible - and I do mean that literally. Upper age limits and up-front costs appear to be prohibitive for us.

Well, on that note - time to go shoot up... and hope.