CD18 today and I POASed today. Crazy, right? Well, I've been gaining weight and I have several pimples. Both of these are completely inexplicable right now. So, I just thought I'd remove any doubt that I'm one of those "I didn't know I was pregnant" people and I POASed. Not surprisingly, it was a BFN.
Later, Ar and I were happily driving along between errands, and just like that I heard a little girl scream with glee - I looked over and she's cruising down her driveway on her pink bike. I just started crying. X always equals infertility.
Ar didn't even know what happened. We were having a nice afternoon together and suddenly I'm in tears.
This past weekend, I was back down in Milwaukee, where I grew up - where my family and some very dear friends still are. It was just a quick run down Saturday, and back on Sunday. Well, on Sunday my mom and I went to lunch and a little shopping. My mom and I aren't close in the normal sense. I don't talk to her about IF, though she does know we're getting treatment for it. I don't confide in her, or anything - it's just not the way we are. Well she was talking about my brothers - and some issues with them. Then she said, "I pray everyday you'll get the baby you want so much. If you do, you'll see that you never stop worrying about them no matter how old they are." Then, mercifully, she moved on back to my brothers. I know she wasn't even trying to converse with me about IF, it was just a side point related to my brothers.
Here's the thing. I'm never going to know, because I'm never going to be a mother.
I know this in my heart of hearts.... it's not going to happen. I've never been more certain of anything in my life.
So why can't I just stop? Why can't I just give up? Why do I have to keep trying for the impossible?
I've never known how to give up. On anything, or anyone. It's just doesn't seem to be in me. It makes me an incredibly loyal and resilient person, I think, but those qualities - while noble sounding - have been the scourge of my existence.
One might argue my inability to give up is a blessing, but it's also a curse. Big time.
I just want to have peace.
To just stop hurting so much.
To just be able to drive down a road and hear a child playing without being thrown into a complete tailspin.
I don't think I can stop. I'm just a couple months from 41, and still I can't stop. Even if we run out of money and even if we can't do treatment anymore, I probably will still not be able to stop trying - stop hoping - probably until menopause, I imagine. I want to stop, so much. I just want to walk away, but I don't think I can.
I'm not even sure it is resilience or hope or perseverance. Maybe it's obsessive compulsiveness. Maybe it's sheer idolatry. Or delusion. Maybe there's not a noble bone in my body....
Sisyphus. Just this second, Sisyphus came to mind.
And as I thought of Sisyphus - and the rock - the old hymn came to mind. "On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand." Sinking sand, indeed.
Well, enough whining and randomness for today. Time for some sleep. With any luck, I'll wake up with selective amnesia.
Hey Heather! I was just catching up over here. This post is startlingly familiar. It reminds me so much of the way I felt in a relationship that spanned five impossible years before Lee arrived on the scene. I could not let it go for the life of me. It was just ridiculous. But there was absolutely no reasoning my way through it. If only God would explain to me what this is about, I would think. (Which he did not.) And then, one day, one small comment gave me freedom. I would never expect something to take your longing away in an instant, or ever, but my prayer for you today is that the Lord will grant you the gift of freedom to LIVE. I love that "Ar" reminded you you ARE a happy family. What a good guy. Hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteHey Tracy! I started crying as soon as I started reading your comment... Granted, I do cry a lot these days, but it was more than that. I don't know. It just really touched me - so thank you!!! I really appreciate your reading my blog, which I know isn't particularly fun or cheery, and your relating - and your prayers and encouragement!! I want a child w/ Ar so much, it just hurts like crazy!! He really is such a good guy - which just makes me want this all the more, ya know... But if it can't be, I so wish I could stop wanting it so much. That God would just turn that switch off for me. Ugh.
DeleteThank you for receiving my comment in the way it was intended Heather. Your story is holy ground and I would never enter lightly here. I probably wouldn't presume to comment were it not for the desire to just let you know I would gladly wait beside you here. At the risk of bringing more words to a holy place, I do want to say that that moment of freedom wasn't actually freedom from desire, but the answer to my question. It was freedom to act decisively in other areas of my life rather than think, "I have to wait until I know for certain how this other thing turns out before I can fully address the matter or opportunity that is presenting itself to me now." Closure. I empathize so much with your lack of closure. Who really can say they want closure when all evidence points to a no answer? I sure couldn't! And yet life in the unresolved can be so unbearable! Suffocating. So I want to encourage you to know that coming out of that space and taking your first unimpeded breath might possibly be the relief you couldn't begin to expect from within, and I pray it is so. The switch is not about the desire. It's about the answer. I would hate to let you think you are waiting alone. You cannot possibly determine or know how long the wait will be or what turns it will take, or anything about the nature of its end. I admire you so much for being present with God in the midst of it. He is doing a work in you that you can't even imagine, nor can you know the ripple effects of this season upon other people and upon other seasons of your own life. But you are trusting Him, and that thrills me. May you find hope mingling with your anguish today. Love you much!
ReplyDeleteHoly buckets. If the length of that comment isn't evidence of how unevolved I am, what could be? *Heads back into seclusion to evolve a little more.* ;-)
ReplyDeleteTracy, if you are unevolved, then I wish more people were as unevolved as you are!!! :-) You're wonderful and I so appreciate your words and wisdom!! I love you all the more just for stepping into my story w/ empathy and authenticity - and wisdom!!!
DeleteI definitely have struggled (obviously) w/ the waiting how this turns out... and it's really scary b/c I also don't know what other opportunity there is for me. It feels like I'm standing at the edge of a big void. It's like, it's this (motherhood etc) or....???? Nothing. I don't know. Terrifying. This answer is probably no, but I don't see anything else either. I love the idea "get busy living or get busy dying, which I wrote about a few months or so ago. But every time I think of something else to get busy at, it just feels empty and less... But I'm still standing. Now this is probably where I burst out into a Rich Mullins song... lucky for you you won't have to actually hear it... ;-) This time it would be If I Stand (let me stand on the promise that you will pull me through...) But I do trust Him, and I am certain that somehow I'll be ok.... Though terrified and sad, I am grateful for that.