My folly of follies

Yesterday morning, CD 17, we went in for my u/s. We were supposed to leave for a three day get-away to lovely eastern Wisconsin right after, but we knew, because of how late my cycle has been, that there was a good chance we'd have to cancel. Well, we had to cancel. This was the third major event we had to cancel this month. You'd think we'd learn to not make plans, right? Well, in fairness, who'd have thunk I wouldn't be able to leave town on CD 17? Normally I'd be into the 2ww by then. So.... we canceled. More importantly, we adjusted. We didn't let it ruin our long (Memorial Day) weekend. It's been a lovely weekend together - anyhow!!

The reason we had to cancel was because my follies were looking good: Lefty was 15 and Righty was 16. So Nurse Melissa told me to start using OPKs (ovulation predictor kit). Many hours later, after doing what ended up being our Plan B for the day, as Ar and I were walking into a restaurant I told him I had to use the bathroom and that I might be awhile because I had to pee on a stick. (Doesn't everyone say that to their hubby as they walk into a restaurant?) The stick this time being an OPK, of course.

After my bathroom visit, as I walked back to the booth I smiled at Ar. Smiling at Ar isn't unusual - he's my loving hubby, after all! But he did a double take - and then he had a huge smile on his gorgeous face. He said, "you're glowing!!" I said, in my usual eloquence, "Huh?" He, "You're GLOWING!" Me, "Oh, really? Must be the sun - looks like I did get some color out there." He, "SO?? Are you pregnant?" Me, "HUH?? Ohhhh.... no, hon, this wasn't a pregnancy test - this was to check for ovulation!" He... crestfallen! Ugh - I felt so bad. I guess I've never really mentioned OPKs to him before. Generally the clinic just happens to catch my LH surge (which predicts ovulation) in the lab work. I didn't realize he thought it was a pregnancy test. Poor sweetie!!!

Now on to the really crazy portion of this post... I realized at some point during the day yesterday, that I think of my follies as babies. Yes, I'm just that crazy and delusional. I know they're not babies. They're follicles, the structures which contain the immature egg(s). They house and protect them until those eggs are ready to go out into the world on their own - and hopefully find themselves a man!!!! Did I not tell you I was sick and delusional? It's not my fault if you didn't believe me... No, they're not babies. They're vital to the making of a baby, but they aren't babies. I just think of them that way. I don't mean to, but, ya know... they're all I've ever had. They're the closest I've ever been.

So when my follies start to grow, I see them up there on the u/s screen, we track them, I inject myself daily to help them grow and thrive, and I try to protect and nurture them by being more mindful in what I eat and drink, by walking, by - just trying to do things right. Do any of these things really matter? Probably not, but then, neither does using a saliva soaked thumb to wipe a speck of dirt off a kid's face... moms do that anyhow. I'm not saying it's the same, but I think the heart of it is similar. I'm trying to nurture my follies, because they are precious to me. They contain life - or the potential for life at least. Crazy and delusional? Yep. But I think it explains why BFNs are so completely devastating for me, why it feels like a loss of something real. Not a baby, but real.

Loss.

Ahh, but right now, I'm looking at life. To me, it is life happening in there. I pray it takes hold.

Well, today - back to the clinic for another u/s. Righty and Lefty were both 17 mm! This is good! They want the follies to be between 18 and 21 for insemination. So here were Nurse Melissa's instructions: do an OPK today, but it will probably be negative. Assuming it is negative, take another 112.5 dose of the Bravelle tonight, then tomorrow do another OPK - and no matter the result, take your hCG shot at 8pm. If the OPK is negative, call and schedule IUI for Thursday. If it's positive, schedule IUI for Wednesday. However, in the off chance the OPK is positive today, then you'll have to do the IUI tomorrow (Tuesday). If that happens, do NOT take the Bravelle tonight, take the hCG tonight at 8pm instead.

The long and short is this: today's OPK produced a smiley face (positive), so IUI is tomorrow.

I took the hCG shot at 8pm tonight. Lately, it's gotten more difficult to give myself shots - it's like my tummy skin has gotten tougher. Perhaps this is what it is to develop a thick-skin, as they say, eh? I wouldn't know. I've never had very thick skin. Except now, on my tummy.

As I injected myself, I said to Ar, "I am so happy this is our last shot for a while! Maybe ever.... maybe this time it will work."

And right there, out of the blue, I voiced what I've been feeling these last few days or so.... the gentlest and strongest of four-letter words, the funny little guy with feathers... Hope.

"Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune—without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I’ve heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me."

(Emily Dickinson)

After all, every day that the Lord has made, holds the possibility of a miracle.