Today, day 14, was our third IUI of this treatment phase. (It was really my sixth, including "phase one," which was two plus years ago.) Ar went in to the clinic at 8 am to do his part, then he came back and got me and I went in at 9:30. Without further ado, Ar's counts were amazing!!! Outstanding!!!! My marvelous man manufactured magnificent little wigglies!!!! Yay!!!
For our first cycle (of phase two) two months ago, he was at 1.3 million. I had him start on CoQ10 after that, and his counts went up to about 11 million! We were happy about that! Well, this cycle, he was up to 17.6 million!!!!! Amazing!!!! That is the best he's ever had, in either of our phases. Yay!!!
Anyhow, the IUI went smoothly. I decided to take today off, and I'm glad I did. After the IUI, we got some late breakfast/early lunch. I then took a nap, while Ar did some errands. After my nap, I watched a few episodes of the delightful Mr. Monk, then Ar and I took a nice long walk. This time, I want to walk or exercise lightly every day, or at least most days, of the two week wait (and beyond.) Thankfully, I don't feel so crampy this time, like I did last month.
Well, those are details. The rest of this will be the meanderings of my soul, which lately has felt at peace.
As I was getting ready this morning, while Ar was out doing his part, I was praying - I always do, but it's usually more of a, "PLEASE, LORD, PLEASEEEEEEE!!!!! PRETTY, PRETTY PLEEEASE!!!!" I'll admit that there was some of that today too, but today I felt more peace than normal. Ya know, I just feel so thankful that we have had these opportunities for treatment. I don't know what the outcome will be, or what lies ahead, but I'm grateful for this opportunity - today. I'm grateful for today.
I have a plaque hanging in the bathroom, where I was at the time, which reads, "Every day holds the possibility of a miracle." I love that plaque. I look at it every morning and feel hope, which is precisely why I put it there, of course...
This morning as I read it, the source of my hope really struck me. The reason every day holds the possibility of a miracle is because God, our Holy Father, is the creator of each and every day.
"The steadfast love of the Lord never changes, His mercies never come to an end - they are new every morning, new every morning! Great is Your faithfulness, Oh Lord - great is your faithfulness!" (song based on Lamentations 3:22)
I love that song!!
And so I prayed. I think it may be the hardest thing in the world to pray that His will be done. What if His will is not the same as my will, after all? What then? I don't know, but I know that God is good - all the time. God - Is - Good. Period. So to deny my please, please, please - pleeeeasssssseeeeeeeee, would be less than sincere of me... it's there, and that's ok. But I also pray that His will for me be done. I pray, above all, that He would be glorified no matter what the outcome - whether I become a mom, or not.
In all honesty, my faith is small -- so asking that really terrifies me, but I do mean it. At least in my better moments I do... I've been at this so long. It's easy to hold on so tight to our dreams that it's hard to accept any other possibility. After all, isn't perseverance a virtue? Well, I'm loaded with perseverance. Problem is, sometimes I think I value that higher than I should. I have a very hard time letting go. It's always hard to believe that another path - another answer - could be ok. Even in my mustard seed sized faith, I just hope above all that I would be the woman I'm meant to be - no matter what.
I have no doubt that I'll have weaker moments during this upcoming dreaded two week wait (and beyond)..... The 2ww is always hard, but I hope that throughout it (and beyond) that I can hold on to these things, to this hope, which I know is good and true and right.
I'm reminded of a scene from the movie about CS Lewis, Shadowlands. It's only about a 25 second or so clip, so give it a watch. It's lovely. And so are you!!! Love, HJ
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