Another day, another BFN

Well, the title says it all, this morning I POAS and it was a BFN. Yep, another big fat negative. I tested, then Ar and I talked a bit, then I went back to sleep. As I slept, I dreamed about one of Ar's daughters, who (in the dream) invited us to dinner - little did we know that she had also invited her mom. Her mom, in my dream, repeatedly taunted me because she was able to have Ar's children, and I can't. In real life, nothing like that has ever happened, of course, but in the dream it felt horrid. I felt like Hannah being mocked by Peninnah. Ar was very sweet in my dream (and in real life), but I woke up feeling awful-er.

Thankfully, I had off work today, so I stayed in bed all morning. Then we went out for a little lunch, and then came home, where I went back into my jammies. Ar took good care of me, and I'm glad we could be together today.

Still, needless to say, I feel awful - really, really awful. After all we went through with the drive through the night and craziness to make the IUI work, somehow you'd think it should have worked, but... that's not the way it is.

Today was hard. I feel like a giant waste of time and space. Just a huge waste. My body doesn't work, and I am just a failure and a waste.

Mind you, these are all lies - and I do know it. These are feelings that are not based in any kind of truth. They are feelings that I must reject as the lies they are - they are not of God!!! Yet, I feel them so strongly today. Some days, I guess it's harder to cling to the truth than others, but cling I must. Tomorrow will be better.

I told a dear friend today that I am so sick of being resilient!! She said, "knowing what I do about you, you won't have to try to be resilient...it will just come because it's part of who you are." And she reminded me that it's ok to mope a bit, that there is a "time to weep." She is wise and kind - and I'm not just saying that because she's probably reading this.... I really appreciated her words - and she's totally right!! I guess it's really that I'm sick of having cause to be resilient.

Anyhow, I stopped the Prometrium today, which means AF should rear her ugly head tomorrow or the next day. We'll do another IUI. If that doesn't work, I don't imagine there will be any more IUIs. I think they normally only do six, at the most. Our insurance will be pretty much depleted after the next IUI, and my BMI is too high for IVF. Now more than ever, I feel like it's all riding on this next IUI.

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow!' "

Then, when I think I can't sob any more today, Ar had the news on and there's a story about a "wrongful birth" lawsuit. Wrongful birth! A couple was awarded $2.9 million because the test on their unborn child was wrong, so the child was born with Down's Syndrome. They say they would have aborted, had they known. The child was their third. Wrongful birth. Probably needless to say, this makes me completely ill. I don't wish to offend anyone on what you think of the "choice" issue, that's not my intention in writing this. I do respect all well-founded arguments/opinions, but... it's just, it really made me feel physically sick. I got incredibly upset listening to this story. I mean, I already hate the news because all it does is show the worst society has to offer, but this really took the cake today. Wrongful birth. This lovely child was a "wrongful birth," as in, this child should never have been born. I, I... I am moving on....

I do want to highlight something really nice though, in the midst of this quite crummy day. A lovely friend I met through IF has become pregnant (after numerous treatment cycles and a miscarriage) with twins!! Yay!!!! Except, last week she began bleeding heavily - at, ummm, eight or nine weeks I think she is - and was put on bed rest. Pretty scary!! Well, today she went in for another ultrasound and it turns out she and the babies are just fine!!! More bed rest, which I know would be super rough - but they're all fine!!!! Triple YAY!!!! I felt incredibly overjoyed to hear that in the midst of a super crummy IF day. I am so very thankful for this!!!! Praise God!!! I just feel so relieved.

I honestly do not think it's likely I'll ever be a mom. I will keep trying until I can't, but I think the chances are incredibly slim, which makes me all the more want my fellow IF friends to be moms - to have that joy be theirs. I know she - and the others when it's their/your turn - will be incredible moms. I want that for you/them, as much as I want it for myself. So thank you, Lord, for protecting those little twinnies. Please keep them in your care and bring them into this crazy world safely.

I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD. (Psalm 27:13-14)