Feet grabbing monsters

He says, “Be still, and know that I am God." (Psalm 46:10)

I'm totally not superstitious!!! Not a bit - nope, not me!!!! Seriously, I'm not.

So then, why do I find myself second guessing everything I'm doing today? Salad? I can't eat salad - my acupuncture doctor told me to not eat salad. I need to eat warming foods, like shrimp.

Milk? I'm either absolutely supposed to drink milk, or milk will destroy everything I've worked so hard for - depending who you ask. I don't know what to do with milk. Ice cream - God's most perfect food - is right out! That's a COLD food!!! Gee, I bet no pregnant or TTC woman in the world has ever eaten ice cream - and - still managed to have a healthy child, right? But there's no way I'm chancing that one!

Work out, but don't work out hard - just a gentle walk, perhaps.

Diet Pepsi - curses!!! Caffeine!!! I can't have any caffeine - even though I only ever consume about 35mg of caffeine a day... even that must surely be too much!!

Stay relaxed, stay positive, imagine the egg fertilizing... imagine it implanting... visualize.... be sure to rest.... ovaries need sleepy! Oh, and be sure to eat the core of a pineapple. Blah, blah, blah!!!!

I struggled with these thoughts a bit today. I think a little more so because of how good our numbers etc were. It feels like this is the best shot we've had, so shouldn't I do everything exactly right!!! Well, what's exactly right anyhow? Who really knows? Ugh! Well, I wasn't obsessive, at least. I'm kind of proud of not being obsessive. Hee, I have such low standards for myself!!! But I really did work to try to reject this line of thinking - even though I did have shrimp for lunch and dinner. I can at least justify that by the fact that I do love shrimp dishes - but, let's be honest, I don't normally have shrimp twice a day, or even twice a week.... Sigh.

It's hard though, isn't it? In the two week wait, there's nothing really to do except stuff some progesterone capsules up you know where and try, try, try to manage expectations - try, try, try to avoid being too up or too down about it all - try not to think.

Oh yeah, and pray.

And remember that every day holds the possibility of a miracle -- because God is the creator of every - single - day.

But what's there to DO? I need to DO something!!

How many IFers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Screw in a lightbulb, you say... Gee, I don't know - but if you think it'll work I'll give it a shot!!

Yeah, pretty much we'll do or try anything to have a kiddie, won't we? Waiting is very hard.

I realize -again- that this struggle is really not superstition. It's about control. If I figure out the right things, and do those things, then I'm sort of in control, right??? Ahhh, how I love the perception of being in control. It's one of my favorite (false) perceptions of all time.

Of course I need to be healthy - but I need to be that anyhow... Reasonable pregnancy precautions are reasonable, of course - but I do have a tendency to take it too far in my mind. It's easy to somehow start believing my every move, every thought, makes a difference.

Realistically, considering how many babies have been born under completely horrid circumstances, eating a small bowl of ice cream probably won't destroy all my chances. So, just slow down. Stop surfing the web for information on how to encourage implantation. Just - be. Be still and know that He is God. And eat some ice cream, if you feel like it.

Now if you want to hear about an actual superstition, let me tell you... I do perhaps actually have one. See, I love to have my feet free at night - free from the under the blankies. Feet should be FREE, I tell you!! However, I cannot sleep that way because somehow I believe that if my feet are out, monsters or intruders will come - grab my feet - and "get me!" It's true - every night I have this issue. Suddenly I realize my feet are out and I just know I need to get them back in - and quick. Apparently intruders and monsters only come after people whose feet are showing. Yep, now that's some crazy stuff, right there!!!

IUI day, take three!! (Or is it six?)

Today, day 14, was our third IUI of this treatment phase. (It was really my sixth, including "phase one," which was two plus years ago.) Ar went in to the clinic at 8 am to do his part, then he came back and got me and I went in at 9:30. Without further ado, Ar's counts were amazing!!! Outstanding!!!! My marvelous man manufactured magnificent little wigglies!!!! Yay!!!

For our first cycle (of phase two) two months ago, he was at 1.3 million. I had him start on CoQ10 after that, and his counts went up to about 11 million! We were happy about that! Well, this cycle, he was up to 17.6 million!!!!! Amazing!!!! That is the best he's ever had, in either of our phases. Yay!!!

Anyhow, the IUI went smoothly. I decided to take today off, and I'm glad I did. After the IUI, we got some late breakfast/early lunch. I then took a nap, while Ar did some errands. After my nap, I watched a few episodes of the delightful Mr. Monk, then Ar and I took a nice long walk. This time, I want to walk or exercise lightly every day, or at least most days, of the two week wait (and beyond.) Thankfully, I don't feel so crampy this time, like I did last month.

Well, those are details. The rest of this will be the meanderings of my soul, which lately has felt at peace.

As I was getting ready this morning, while Ar was out doing his part, I was praying - I always do, but it's usually more of a, "PLEASE, LORD, PLEASEEEEEEE!!!!! PRETTY, PRETTY PLEEEASE!!!!" I'll admit that there was some of that today too, but today I felt more peace than normal. Ya know, I just feel so thankful that we have had these opportunities for treatment. I don't know what the outcome will be, or what lies ahead, but I'm grateful for this opportunity - today. I'm grateful for today.

I have a plaque hanging in the bathroom, where I was at the time, which reads, "Every day holds the possibility of a miracle." I love that plaque. I look at it every morning and feel hope, which is precisely why I put it there, of course...

This morning as I read it, the source of my hope really struck me. The reason every day holds the possibility of a miracle is because God, our Holy Father, is the creator of each and every day.

"The steadfast love of the Lord never changes, His mercies never come to an end - they are new every morning, new every morning! Great is Your faithfulness, Oh Lord - great is your faithfulness!" (song based on Lamentations 3:22)

I love that song!!

And so I prayed. I think it may be the hardest thing in the world to pray that His will be done. What if His will is not the same as my will, after all? What then? I don't know, but I know that God is good - all the time. God - Is - Good. Period. So to deny my please, please, please - pleeeeasssssseeeeeeeee, would be less than sincere of me... it's there, and that's ok. But I also pray that His will for me be done. I pray, above all, that He would be glorified no matter what the outcome - whether I become a mom, or not.

In all honesty, my faith is small -- so asking that really terrifies me, but I do mean it. At least in my better moments I do... I've been at this so long. It's easy to hold on so tight to our dreams that it's hard to accept any other possibility. After all, isn't perseverance a virtue? Well, I'm loaded with perseverance. Problem is, sometimes I think I value that higher than I should. I have a very hard time letting go. It's always hard to believe that another path - another answer - could be ok. Even in my mustard seed sized faith, I just hope above all that I would be the woman I'm meant to be - no matter what.

I have no doubt that I'll have weaker moments during this upcoming dreaded two week wait (and beyond)..... The 2ww is always hard, but I hope that throughout it (and beyond) that I can hold on to these things, to this hope, which I know is good and true and right.

I'm reminded of a scene from the movie about CS Lewis, Shadowlands. It's only about a 25 second or so clip, so give it a watch. It's lovely. And so are you!!! Love, HJ

Double the fun, take two!!!

Hee hee - I could delete my previous (empty!) blog post, but I think it's kind of funny, so I'll let it just sit there... nice and blank. See, I wanted to write a blog post last night to give update about day 13. However, I was so achy and crampy and bloated feeling that I just wanted to go to bed. I wasn't really sleepy, but I was just so uncomfortable - plus, I couldn't bear to have the laptop on my lap...

So we went to bed quite early for us. Ar fell right asleep. I played a few games on my phone, and then thought that I could try to write a blog from my phone. I've never done that before, but figured it was possible... it is a SMART phone after all, right?? I didn't want to write a whole lot, anyhow. Well, I easily got a title put in there, but after that the keyboard disappeared and I could not, for the life of me, figure out how to get the keyboard back on there to write anything. I tried and tried, then I thought about getting back up and getting back on the laptop, but I didn't feel like that, so I just decided to cancel, but my fat fingers hit "publish," instead... so I published a blog title with nothing else. Then I went back to playing games.... I was snickering though, wondering if any of you, few and dear, readers signed up for email notices of a new post.... If so, I'm sure you must have first thought I'd gone a little nutty, then, upon further review, probably felt that it was finest work yet!!! I think you're probably right!! Ha! Well, it amused me anyhow...

All I was going to share was that I went in for an ultrasound - day 13, and I really did have double the fun!! I don't know if it was them or me, but I had to get the ultrasound wand twice AND had to have them try for blood twice! Ugh!!!

First, the ultrasound. The nurse kinda freaked me out when she couldn't find my right ovary, where my lead follie was on Saturday (day 11). This has never happened before. I was pretty alarmed that I may have started ovulating already, which would not be good. Well, she brought in reinforcements, and the second nurse found it alright. I had a lovely 19.5mm follicle!! That's my biggest ever!!

Then I went off to get my blood work - testing to see if I had the LH surge yet. Well, the lab person was poking around and poking around... UGH!!! She couldn't get anything and also called in for reinforcement. She got me right away.

As if regular ultrasound wands and blood draws aren't fun enough, let's do it all twice!!! Yay!!! Anyhow, it was fine - just a little unusual.

As I left, they had me schedule IUI for Wednesday. I sort of suspected that the blood work would lead them to call and tell me to change it to Tuesday (today), because I really felt I was there.

Lo and behold, that's exactly what happened!! The nurse called in the early afternoon and told me to reschedule for today. So, we did the 8pm trigger shot last night... and had IUI scheduled for this morning!!

Double the fun

A river in Egypt?

Yesterday I went in for my cycle day 11 ultrasound. I was really expecting to hear I was already ready - early, like last cycle. Not so, which is probably for the best, even though Ar and I were pretty psyched for it this weekend.

Anyhow, my lead follicle was 13.5mm. I'll go back for another ultrasound tomorrow - day 13. Hoping, hoping!! I'm thinking that I'll be ready for IUI on Tuesday maybe.

The rest of the weekend was fairly uneventful. I did some nice napping, finished one book and started another, did some errands, baked some bread... Missed church today because I slept til 2 pm = yikes!!

The only real thing of note was that Friday night - and almost tonight - I forgot my shot!! Can you believe that? Friday night I was emailing a fellow IF friend around midnight and it was only when she asked me what time my ultrasound was the next day that I realized I hadn't taken my shot, which I normally do around 8 pm. YIKES!!! Well, no big deal - I took it then and am glad I eventually remembered. Then tonight I'd forgotten until Ar asked me if I took it before he got home... Weird!! I guess I'm a lot less uptight than I was once upon a time with all this, eh? Mostly that's good, I suppose... but, sheesh - remember to take your thousand dollar shots, please!!

It's nice to not be stressed out though, especially since a big part of me does feel (whether true or not) that this is my last chance. Hmm, maybe I'm just in denial.

Four on Eight

Today was cycle day 8, so in for ultrasound I went. I couldn't see the screen this time, but I could hear her clicking away on the measurements... Sure enough - I have four follicles: 10mm, 8mm, 6.5mm, and 6mm!! The last two day 8s had nothing that could even be measured - and I've only ever really had one follicle worth counting - so this is very exciting news!! It would seem the extra Bravelle shots did the trick!! I guess the little extra druggy craziness is worth it... especially if it pays off! C'mon little follies!!!!

(Say, wouldn't it be swell to have a picture of my four lovely follies to use as my profile picture on Facebook!?!? They're so beautiful, after all!!! Oh my, yes - that would be delightful!! Hee hee - sorry, the thought is just rather amusing to me!!)

Well, anyhow, I'll go back in on Saturday, cycle day 11, for another ultrasound. Last month I started ovulating on day 11 already, so I'm not sure what this cycle will bring. Ar will be out of town on business again during cycle days 11 and 12, but we've already discussed the possibility that we might have to do IUI on Sunday, day 12, like last time, so we're a bit more prepared for that. Still, I'm hoping it'll be day 13. Mostly because if it's day 13, Ar would not have to leave his work early to come home for IUI.

Ok, ok - you got it out of me!! I confess, I have ulterior motives....

See, if it's day 13, aka Monday, I will - most definitely - call in to work!! I have NEVER called in to work in the ten years I've been in my current department!! Not once!! My friend at work keeps trying to talk me into it, but I resist. I mean, if I were genuinely contagiously ill, I would call in - but that hasn't happened. I just haven't felt right calling in, otherwise. Anyhow, my friend believes it's in my best mental health interest for me to call in, so she has upped the ante... She's promised me she will treat me to lunch if I call in sometime this calendar year! I loves me a free lunch!!! So, day 13 would work best for Ar's business, of course.... plus, FREE LUNCH!!!! A conveniently scheduled IUI with multiple follicles, plus a free lunch!! Can't beat that, eh?

So, free lunch aside, I'm feeling hopeful about all the follies and such. Today I actually felt pretty good all around. The last several days I've been exhausted and muddy feeling... today was better. Maybe it was the hopeful news - I don't know. On top of the extra Bravelle, I also started taking Inositol 500 and melatonin. I feel like a major druggy lately... hard to keep up with all the drugs I have to take and when. I'm pretty sure this is why I've been so tired. I don't think it's been depression or anything. Hopefully that's wearing off though. Of course, after IUI I'll have to start back on the lovely progesterone suppositories and those always make me tired too. Oh well.

In other news, Ar and I are planning a vacation for May!!! I'm very excited for that!! You know, maybe that perked me up for today, too. I just put in for the vacation time at work today, since we decided on the dates today. I admit that I had been feeling a bit bored in a way... I think it's that spring fever feeling. I sometimes feel like wonderful and exciting things are happening for everyone all around me - for everyone, except me!! People are having babies, going on big trips, going back for more education, planning things... I don't know what people are doing, but it feels like I'm the only one who's doing not so much!! Truth is, I'm sure that almost everyone feels that way about everyone else, at some point or another. Ahh, life.

Anyhow, I've been feeling a little woe is me in that regard, lately - not too bad - but noticeable to me, for sure. So this gives me something exciting to plan for. We're going to road-trip it out west!! Just my man and me!!! (Will baby make three??? Hmm, not gonna think about that one!!) Anyhow, we'll end up in Portland, OR for sure, but we'll stop where ever we want along the way!! I'm excited!! I love time together with adorable Ar!!! Plus, it's good to have something other than IF treatment, and the wide range of emotions that comes with it, to look forward to.

Besides.... everyone knows that the cure to infertility is to simply take a vacation, right? Yeah, a vacation - maybe I'll even relax - and voila!!!

Optimist with experience

Today was cycle day three. I had my ultrasound yesterday, and all was fine. My RE did change my dosage a bit. Tonight and tomorrow I am doing double the dose of Bravelle, then on day five it's back to the normal one vial of Bravelle. So we'll see how that goes - the Bravelle does seem to make me a little more anxious as is, so hopefully it'll be ok.

Mostly, I hope that this produces more follicles. Each cycle I've seemed to produce one good follicle.... more would be better.

I also set up an appointment for a consult with the RE, for after this cycle. If it doesn't work, I'll have to see him again before we go on.

I know I shouldn't focus on this, but it does feel like it's all resting on this next cycle. After this, we're out of insurance and as I've mentioned before, IVF wouldn't currently be an option. I am trying to not focus on these concerns, however. After all, I do have a whole fresh, new cycle ahead of me. I pray that it works, and I pray that if it does I will have a safe and healthy pregnancy - and a healthy baby - despite not being in prime maternity condition.

If it doesn't work, then we will deal with it. We will meet with Dr. D. and see what he has to say, and we will keep going forward. Hopefully there would be another option, hopefully that wouldn't be the end -- but it's hard to not feel like I'm quickly approaching the Bermuda Triangle of infertility: age, money, and weight... Age, money, and weight - all three are working against me, big time! I can try to fix two, but the age part keeps moving forward no matter what.

BUT, ok - no more of that! Starting....... NOW, I am focusing only on this cycle!!! This cycle and this cycle alone. I will not think about failed past cycles, nor what the murky future may hold. Today is day three, day three of a bright, new cycle - full of hope!!! Yes!! I definitely feel that way... I feel at least 85% that way!! Hmm, ok, maybe 75%.... Yes, but the 70% of me that feels that way, feels it strongly!! 70% - and I'm stickin' with that!!! Actually, you know - maybe it's 74%....

I am, after all, an optimist -- with experience.

Yep - it's a solid 72.6%!!!

Another day, another BFN

Well, the title says it all, this morning I POAS and it was a BFN. Yep, another big fat negative. I tested, then Ar and I talked a bit, then I went back to sleep. As I slept, I dreamed about one of Ar's daughters, who (in the dream) invited us to dinner - little did we know that she had also invited her mom. Her mom, in my dream, repeatedly taunted me because she was able to have Ar's children, and I can't. In real life, nothing like that has ever happened, of course, but in the dream it felt horrid. I felt like Hannah being mocked by Peninnah. Ar was very sweet in my dream (and in real life), but I woke up feeling awful-er.

Thankfully, I had off work today, so I stayed in bed all morning. Then we went out for a little lunch, and then came home, where I went back into my jammies. Ar took good care of me, and I'm glad we could be together today.

Still, needless to say, I feel awful - really, really awful. After all we went through with the drive through the night and craziness to make the IUI work, somehow you'd think it should have worked, but... that's not the way it is.

Today was hard. I feel like a giant waste of time and space. Just a huge waste. My body doesn't work, and I am just a failure and a waste.

Mind you, these are all lies - and I do know it. These are feelings that are not based in any kind of truth. They are feelings that I must reject as the lies they are - they are not of God!!! Yet, I feel them so strongly today. Some days, I guess it's harder to cling to the truth than others, but cling I must. Tomorrow will be better.

I told a dear friend today that I am so sick of being resilient!! She said, "knowing what I do about you, you won't have to try to be resilient...it will just come because it's part of who you are." And she reminded me that it's ok to mope a bit, that there is a "time to weep." She is wise and kind - and I'm not just saying that because she's probably reading this.... I really appreciated her words - and she's totally right!! I guess it's really that I'm sick of having cause to be resilient.

Anyhow, I stopped the Prometrium today, which means AF should rear her ugly head tomorrow or the next day. We'll do another IUI. If that doesn't work, I don't imagine there will be any more IUIs. I think they normally only do six, at the most. Our insurance will be pretty much depleted after the next IUI, and my BMI is too high for IVF. Now more than ever, I feel like it's all riding on this next IUI.

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow!' "

Then, when I think I can't sob any more today, Ar had the news on and there's a story about a "wrongful birth" lawsuit. Wrongful birth! A couple was awarded $2.9 million because the test on their unborn child was wrong, so the child was born with Down's Syndrome. They say they would have aborted, had they known. The child was their third. Wrongful birth. Probably needless to say, this makes me completely ill. I don't wish to offend anyone on what you think of the "choice" issue, that's not my intention in writing this. I do respect all well-founded arguments/opinions, but... it's just, it really made me feel physically sick. I got incredibly upset listening to this story. I mean, I already hate the news because all it does is show the worst society has to offer, but this really took the cake today. Wrongful birth. This lovely child was a "wrongful birth," as in, this child should never have been born. I, I... I am moving on....

I do want to highlight something really nice though, in the midst of this quite crummy day. A lovely friend I met through IF has become pregnant (after numerous treatment cycles and a miscarriage) with twins!! Yay!!!! Except, last week she began bleeding heavily - at, ummm, eight or nine weeks I think she is - and was put on bed rest. Pretty scary!! Well, today she went in for another ultrasound and it turns out she and the babies are just fine!!! More bed rest, which I know would be super rough - but they're all fine!!!! Triple YAY!!!! I felt incredibly overjoyed to hear that in the midst of a super crummy IF day. I am so very thankful for this!!!! Praise God!!! I just feel so relieved.

I honestly do not think it's likely I'll ever be a mom. I will keep trying until I can't, but I think the chances are incredibly slim, which makes me all the more want my fellow IF friends to be moms - to have that joy be theirs. I know she - and the others when it's their/your turn - will be incredible moms. I want that for you/them, as much as I want it for myself. So thank you, Lord, for protecting those little twinnies. Please keep them in your care and bring them into this crazy world safely.

I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD. (Psalm 27:13-14)

Perils and more hope

Today is Saturday. I am tired, very, very tired! I've spent the last two days working Ar's business, and I will again tomorrow. It's fun, ego building, and profitable, but I am tired. Anyhow this is the reason I'm not going to POAS tomorrow. I'll wait till Monday morning. I took Monday off my normal job, to recup from working the business, so if it's BFN, at least I'll be home with Ar. If it's BFP, at least I'll be home with Ar!!!

It's funny how this cycle has been completely the opposite of last cycle. Last cycle, the first week of the 2ww was great - but the second week was tough. This time that was flip flopped (mmm, flip flops - come spring!!!!!!) I don't know why that is - who can figure out our fickle emotions - so I'll just be grateful that this week's been easier.

At the event I worked at today, there were about 50 pregnant women and tons of babies - and I didn't even feel tempted to cry. I just smiled upon them all, in a pseudo-matronly way. Weird, huh? Maybe all my happy drugs have finally really kicked in....

That's not to say the week was entirely without angst. Earlier this week, I stumbled on an online article called, "Perils of Pregnancy: Obesity and Advanced Age." Honestly, not a great article for me to read. Normally I worry about the very real likelihood that I may never get pregnant and have a child, but after reading this I started to worry about what if I DO get pregnant??? Maybe I'm not healthy enough!! I'm definitely way overweight - and there's the age thing. Would I be risking our child's life, and my own? Check out this awesome excerpt:

Obese women have smaller babies, more pre-term labor, airway problems and chances of serious complications during a C-section.

"The chance of death is higher and it's a real risk," she said.

"Most women do just fine," said Dr. Maurice Druzin, chief of obstetrics and gynecology at Lucile Packard Children's Hospital at Stanford University. But social changes such as women delaying childbirth are making pregnancy more complicated. Advanced reproductive technologies have allowed women "who are not supposed to get pregnant" to have children, said Druzin.

"If you left it to nature, they would not get pregnant at this age," he said. "There are big ramifications of infertility with more multiples. ... Women who are older tend to have more chronic medical illnesses like hypertension and diabetes and are at more risk of getting gestational diabetes and preeclampsia."

So.... yeah. Now I'm a bit worried about not getting pregnant AND about getting pregnant.... Ahhh, what fantastic irony!!!

And don't you love that line about women who are not supposed to get pregnant? Ugh!!

Well, I can't say I'll be able to just disregard that article because... I can't really argue the medical aspects of it. I've said it before, I sure wish I could lose weight before trying more - but at my age I'm in between a rock and a hard place. Oh, how I wish.... I wish, I wish.... I wish I were a fish.

Anyhow, I guess all I can conclude with is this:

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. (Proverbs 3:5-6)

And with that, I'm off to bed. We lose an hour tonight for daylight savings, which is always annoying as far as sleep goes - but, it means spring is coming!!!! SPRING IS COMING!!!!!!! And no matter what, the end of winter (though a very mild one this year) is always much welcome news to me. Spring will spring. There is hope, because I know without a doubt that spring will spring. This winter of infertility cannot last forever, either - whatever that means - whatever the spring will look like, I don't know.... but winter never lasts forever. Amen.

One week down...

...one to go!

I'm one week into the oh so fun two week wait. As you may have noticed from my last post, this last week was a bit tough. The weekend was ok, but I pretty regularly found myself on the brink of tears. They never quite came, but they were always back there.

Still, I enjoyed spending time with a long-time friend, who was in town. I also did some light reading, and took a long nap, and got some chores done. Church was lovely! All in all, I held it together, but I still have that dark cloud over my head. I'd surely love for that to pass on by!

Oh, also this weekend, in the blessing and the curse that is Facebook department, yesterday one of my friends wrote a status update offering to give away one of her children. Apparently the child was too active, so giving her away would solve that, you see. Several of her friends also offered to sell or give away their children. Oh, how amusing!!

For the love of Pete, seriously??? How wonderful it must be to be so fertile that they find it funny or cute to offer to give away/sell their children. Hilarity at it's finest, I tell ya. Ok, I know it's not intended to be offensive, and it's just a joke... but honestly, there's nothing more offensive to me!! It just makes me sick!! The things we all go through for the hope, for the chance of being moms... But for them, it's so easy that they can just joke about giving those burdensome kids away. Must be really nice to be so blessed that your blessings have become burdens!!

I get it... Parenting is tough, parents get frustrated and tired. I empathize with that, but I wouldn't joke about dumping my Hubby for not replacing the toilet paper, and I wouldn't joke about cutting off a leg because it hurts..... I stand by their right to say as they please - no matter how egregious I personally find it - but I also stand by my right to decide I no longer find it healthy to read things like that....

Anyhow, I'm already dreading having to POAS next week. I'll test a week from tomorrow (or is it a week from today already? Hmm, well, I mean Monday, March 12.) I'm actually supposed to test on Sunday of next week, but I'm going to wait because I have to do something next Sunday where I have to be top of my game - not emotionally compromised. If I get a BFN, which is likely, I'd obviously have a very hard time even being in the game, let alone at the top of it. So I'll wait till Monday. Ar and I will both be home that day and I'll be able to grieve, if necessary. Who knows, maybe it'll be celebration - in which case, I'd still prefer to wait for us to both be home and together!!

Against all hope (and all my feelings to the contrary), I will still hope!!