Changing seasons

Though it is technically Spring now, you'd be hard pressed to guess that based on the weather. Still, the signs are out there if you look hard enough... or if you go shopping. The weather may not be quite right for baring my toes yet, but the stores sure are ready for me to start buying flip flops - and that means, despite all evidence to the contrary, Spring really is here!!! I've held off buying any so far, but I won't for much longer.  A friend suggested I buy multiple pairs of these, so I can mix and match colors. I LOVE that idea!! Brilliant!!

Week 12 of Photo 52: changing seasons

Now that flip flops are out in all the stores, I've no doubt that warmer weather is right around the corner. Today I even went out and bought some lightweight capri pants... or, I guess they're shorter than capris - I think they're called skimmers. Hmm, seems that there are constantly new names for things. After all, come to think of it, I grew up calling flip flops thongs... but nowadays, thongs have a very different meaning.  I actually think it's better that they're called flip flops now. It's more fun to say, and it sounds like what they are... as we walk along we can't help but to flip, flop, flip, flop....

Anyhow, so I bought the skimmers because I need to start preparing for our upcoming trip to Honduras, which is coming up in May. Mentally preparing, for one thing... the travel (yikes!) and the feeling horrid about having gained a bit of weight since last time (ugh!!). But the beginning of mentally preparing for me is physically preparing - hence the skimmers. 

Last time we went, I discovered that I really didn't know the meaning of the word "hot." Honduras brings hot to all new levels, I tell ya. Well, sadly, expecting hot to be within the parameters of my experience, plus maybe 10 degrees, I packed all wrong. Essentially, I had only one pair of capris that were lightweight enough that I could wear them there.... so I basically wore them every-single-day. Every day, for two weeks. We washed them out and hung them up every night. Thank goodness I had them, of course, but when we got back... I couldn't bear to even look at them. I couldn't wear them. I would consider wearing them and just immediately felt icky... even though we washed them every night, there's just something about wearing the same pants every day (in 110+ degrees) that just gave me the heebie jeebies. By the end of the summer, I hadn't worn them again even once - so I donated them to the Goodwill. They were great pants, but I just couldn't wear them again. Weird, huh?

I am really looking forward to Honduras, despite my usual apprehensions. In any case, shopping for warm weather also makes me feel like the seasons really will be a changing soon. 

Ahh, the soul needs the changing of seasons, don't you think? Mine does, anyhow. I feel like it's been winter forever: within my soul, and without. I trust, though it's hard to see, that Spring is actually here and it will continue to grow.

I have an even harder time seeing any sign of Spring in my heart, but I trust there must be something budding in there, right? Maybe I should try watching for signs of a heart Spring the same way I watch for signs in the physical world. Then again, I worry that maybe they aren't really there at all - in which case, maybe it's better not to look. 

A friend in my private IF group, who is about 10 years older than I am and childless, reminded me the other day that she knows just how hard it is.  She is beyond trying, at this point. She advised me to take it (childlessness) one day at a time.  Simple, but very good advice. I think too far ahead and... get panicky about it. About childlessness. About losing Ar. About having no legacy. 

I know that children aren't the only legacy a person can have, of course, but it is one that my heart and soul desire. I saw something about a family tree the other day and it made me want to throw up...  it stops here. No branches for me. Hooo - okay, breathe...   breathe... starting to panic a bit again. One day at a time. One day at a time.

Maybe I need some change. It feels like there's change all around me. All around me friends are experiencing positive change, but not me. Sometimes their positive changes actually feel kind of bad to me, such as dear friend from work, who, after 10 years together, is moving on to a different company. Having her at work has been such a godsend to me... I'm so happy for her because she really needed this change, but... it's so hard to be left behind. Left behind... that's certainly how I feel about my IF too. I'm so happy for my IF friends who get to have kids - they are growing in number and I truly am thrilled for them. Oh, but I hate that it can't be me too. Why not me?

Well, since I have no answer to that, I guess I'll just go back to thinking about newness. Spring. Is there a Spring in my heart? Is there life beneath the frozen tundra?

In the spirit of newness, here is a picture of a painting I made (following step-by-step directions at an evening event). It is new and it's been quite fun to do! It isn't like this is a new hobby or something, but I like that I did it. I like the way this one turned out quite a bit. I did another in January, which I also like, but this one is better, I think. Both were super fun to do though, with two different sets of awesome girlfriends.

Ta DA!!! My masterpiece!

I do need to figure out something more to do though. I've mentioned before that weekends, when Ar is gone, are pretty rough on me. I don't have enough to do - well, I suppose I could step up the cleaning or something, but we're already pretty clean. Plus, seriously... that's just not gonna happen. I need to find something more productive, more meaningful to do on the weekends. I'm too alone. While I truly value some alone time, and getting to sleep in, and the flexibility, I am too alone... and I can too easily become morose. Though not an extreme one, I am definitely an extrovert; when left to my own devices for too long, I sink lower and lower.

So I have to figure something out, because I can't live like this forever. I wish I could go off with Ar every weekend, but that's just not an option right now. So I just don't know what to do. Funny thing is, I don't remember this being a problem before my IF battle. I really didn't used to struggle like this on weekends so much, even when darling Ar was gone. I always missed him, but it wasn't like this. This tells me I've lost something along the way - it's probably buried under an avalanche. I fear everything good has been frozen up and destroyed.

Well, I really don't see signs of a heart Spring either, but, despite all evidence to the contrary, I still trust it's on its way.

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. (Hebrews 11:1)

Looks like Spring in Fisher Creek, at least...