Decision made

I've decided to run away. I am done. Ar has been right all along... the only thing that makes sense is him and me on a deserted island. I am done. Too much malarkey abounds and I just don't have the tolerance for it anymore. I swear it seems whatever I do or say, it's damned if I do and damned if I don't, so I'm packing my flip flops and heading for the nearest island. Hasta la bye-bye, all!!

Photographer's choice and a confession

The Moon and I

The moon is full, and so am I.  

The moon, I imagine, never tires of shining.  

I, however, very much tire of it.

The moon lights the darkness, while I merely curse it.

The moon is gentle and soothing; I am angry and despairing. 

The moon is lovely, but I am hideous.

The moon is full, and so am I.

And, sadly, that is where the similarity ends.

Comparing myself to the moon is dumb.

An HJ awesome original, copyright 3/2013.  All rights reserved. ツ

Week 13 of Photo 52: Photographer's Choice, March edition

And now, for my confession: I'm terribly tired of being happy for everyone else. Isn't that quite possibly the worst thing you've ever heard? (Other than the poem I wrote above, that is?) It's horrid. The confession I mean, but yeah, the poem is really awful too.

I genuinely am happy for people, but sometimes only my head is... My heart is just sad. ARRRGHHHHH!!!!! I feel so conflicted - all the time. I can't let IF take away my ability to rejoice with others, especially those I love, but it's so, so, so incredibly hard. I don't know how to stop it. I'm just so tired of these struggles. Why does everything have to be such a struggle? I want to run away. I wonder if anyone would care?  (I would make Ar go with me.)

I am devolving. Probably time to start back with a therapist, I guess, but I don't really want to do that either. I wish someone could just completely reprogram me in my sleep. Do we have that technology yet?  

"Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary. So then, while we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, and especially to those who are of the household of the faith." (Galatians 6:9-10)

Changing seasons

Though it is technically Spring now, you'd be hard pressed to guess that based on the weather. Still, the signs are out there if you look hard enough... or if you go shopping. The weather may not be quite right for baring my toes yet, but the stores sure are ready for me to start buying flip flops - and that means, despite all evidence to the contrary, Spring really is here!!! I've held off buying any so far, but I won't for much longer.  A friend suggested I buy multiple pairs of these, so I can mix and match colors. I LOVE that idea!! Brilliant!!

Week 12 of Photo 52: changing seasons

Now that flip flops are out in all the stores, I've no doubt that warmer weather is right around the corner. Today I even went out and bought some lightweight capri pants... or, I guess they're shorter than capris - I think they're called skimmers. Hmm, seems that there are constantly new names for things. After all, come to think of it, I grew up calling flip flops thongs... but nowadays, thongs have a very different meaning.  I actually think it's better that they're called flip flops now. It's more fun to say, and it sounds like what they are... as we walk along we can't help but to flip, flop, flip, flop....

Anyhow, so I bought the skimmers because I need to start preparing for our upcoming trip to Honduras, which is coming up in May. Mentally preparing, for one thing... the travel (yikes!) and the feeling horrid about having gained a bit of weight since last time (ugh!!). But the beginning of mentally preparing for me is physically preparing - hence the skimmers. 

Last time we went, I discovered that I really didn't know the meaning of the word "hot." Honduras brings hot to all new levels, I tell ya. Well, sadly, expecting hot to be within the parameters of my experience, plus maybe 10 degrees, I packed all wrong. Essentially, I had only one pair of capris that were lightweight enough that I could wear them there.... so I basically wore them every-single-day. Every day, for two weeks. We washed them out and hung them up every night. Thank goodness I had them, of course, but when we got back... I couldn't bear to even look at them. I couldn't wear them. I would consider wearing them and just immediately felt icky... even though we washed them every night, there's just something about wearing the same pants every day (in 110+ degrees) that just gave me the heebie jeebies. By the end of the summer, I hadn't worn them again even once - so I donated them to the Goodwill. They were great pants, but I just couldn't wear them again. Weird, huh?

I am really looking forward to Honduras, despite my usual apprehensions. In any case, shopping for warm weather also makes me feel like the seasons really will be a changing soon. 

Ahh, the soul needs the changing of seasons, don't you think? Mine does, anyhow. I feel like it's been winter forever: within my soul, and without. I trust, though it's hard to see, that Spring is actually here and it will continue to grow.

I have an even harder time seeing any sign of Spring in my heart, but I trust there must be something budding in there, right? Maybe I should try watching for signs of a heart Spring the same way I watch for signs in the physical world. Then again, I worry that maybe they aren't really there at all - in which case, maybe it's better not to look. 

A friend in my private IF group, who is about 10 years older than I am and childless, reminded me the other day that she knows just how hard it is.  She is beyond trying, at this point. She advised me to take it (childlessness) one day at a time.  Simple, but very good advice. I think too far ahead and... get panicky about it. About childlessness. About losing Ar. About having no legacy. 

I know that children aren't the only legacy a person can have, of course, but it is one that my heart and soul desire. I saw something about a family tree the other day and it made me want to throw up...  it stops here. No branches for me. Hooo - okay, breathe...   breathe... starting to panic a bit again. One day at a time. One day at a time.

Maybe I need some change. It feels like there's change all around me. All around me friends are experiencing positive change, but not me. Sometimes their positive changes actually feel kind of bad to me, such as dear friend from work, who, after 10 years together, is moving on to a different company. Having her at work has been such a godsend to me... I'm so happy for her because she really needed this change, but... it's so hard to be left behind. Left behind... that's certainly how I feel about my IF too. I'm so happy for my IF friends who get to have kids - they are growing in number and I truly am thrilled for them. Oh, but I hate that it can't be me too. Why not me?

Well, since I have no answer to that, I guess I'll just go back to thinking about newness. Spring. Is there a Spring in my heart? Is there life beneath the frozen tundra?

In the spirit of newness, here is a picture of a painting I made (following step-by-step directions at an evening event). It is new and it's been quite fun to do! It isn't like this is a new hobby or something, but I like that I did it. I like the way this one turned out quite a bit. I did another in January, which I also like, but this one is better, I think. Both were super fun to do though, with two different sets of awesome girlfriends.

Ta DA!!! My masterpiece!

I do need to figure out something more to do though. I've mentioned before that weekends, when Ar is gone, are pretty rough on me. I don't have enough to do - well, I suppose I could step up the cleaning or something, but we're already pretty clean. Plus, seriously... that's just not gonna happen. I need to find something more productive, more meaningful to do on the weekends. I'm too alone. While I truly value some alone time, and getting to sleep in, and the flexibility, I am too alone... and I can too easily become morose. Though not an extreme one, I am definitely an extrovert; when left to my own devices for too long, I sink lower and lower.

So I have to figure something out, because I can't live like this forever. I wish I could go off with Ar every weekend, but that's just not an option right now. So I just don't know what to do. Funny thing is, I don't remember this being a problem before my IF battle. I really didn't used to struggle like this on weekends so much, even when darling Ar was gone. I always missed him, but it wasn't like this. This tells me I've lost something along the way - it's probably buried under an avalanche. I fear everything good has been frozen up and destroyed.

Well, I really don't see signs of a heart Spring either, but, despite all evidence to the contrary, I still trust it's on its way.

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. (Hebrews 11:1)

Looks like Spring in Fisher Creek, at least...

The color of hope

The Color Green

"And the moon is a sliver of silver 
Like a shaving that fell on the floor of a Carpenter's shop 

And every house must have it's builder 

And I awoke in the house of God 

Where the windows are mornings and evenings 

Stretched from the sun 

Across the sky north to south 

And on my way to early meeting 

I heard the rocks crying out 

I heard the rocks crying out 

Be praised for all Your tenderness by these works of Your hands 

Suns that rise and rains that fall to bless and bring to life Your land 

Look down upon this winter wheat and be glad that You have made 

Blue for the sky and the color green that fills these fields with praise 

And the wrens have returned and they're nesting 

In the hollow of that oak where his heart once had been 

And he lifts up his arms in a blessing for being born again 

And the streams are all swollen with winter 

Winter unfrozen and free to run away now 

And I'm amazed when I remember 

Who it was that built this house 

And with the rocks I cry out 

Be praised for all Your tenderness by these works of Your hands 

Suns that rise and rains that fall to bless and bring to life Your land 

Look down upon this winter wheat and be glad that You have made 

Blue for the sky and the color green 

Be praised for all Your tenderness by these works of Your hands 

Suns that rise and rains that fall to bless and bring to life Your land 

Look down upon this winter wheat and be glad that You have made 

Blue for the sky and the color green that fills these fields with praise"

(Rich Mullins)

Take a listen - beautiful!! 

Though sadly winter hasn't quite unfrozen itself yet, the theme for week 11 was Green. In the lack of much in the way of actual green in our physical world, and not being Irish or a green beer drinker, I took this picture of some of the greens I choose to fill my life with. Green before and behind, that's the way I like it!  It was either this, or a giant salad... I do love a good salad, but this represents me a bit better. ☺  

Week 11 of Photo 52: Green

I trust that soon enough I will see the color green all around me again. After all, green is the color of hope!! 

Words

Week 10, words.

Ahhh, words - they're all around us!

 They sure can be fun!

And sometimes, profoundly inspirational.

Some words are rather delicious,

while others make us laugh, even if they weren't quite intended to...

or scratch our heads and weep a bit....

Some words sound awfully nice - especially in the midst of a Minnesota winter.

Others words are hidden.

While many others are wonderfully free and available for all to enjoy.  (((Books!!)))

Week 10 of Photo 52, Words

Yes, words can be such a blessing!

Some of my favorite words are full of beautiful truth.

 

So I hang these words in my heart...

and on our walls.

Oh, I do love to fill our home...

with words of love,

because home should be a safe place,

and bring relief when the world seems so harsh and unwelcoming. 

When all around us are sad, sometimes weirdly so, reminders of our deepest longing - of hope unfulfilled.

Words, even the commonest of words, can be unbelievably cruel.

Yeah, they really are all around us - for better or worse. While we often don't have a choice in the words we receive, we do have a choice in the words we put out there. After all, these words we heard in our childhood aren't really true, are they?  

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."

Recent years have shown me that words can be particularly hurtful, when one is already hurting. I'd often have preferred a broken bone - or many - over these last several years. Whether the words are intentionally hurtful, or not, makes little difference to a broken heart. When one is hurt, it's just so easy to hurt and be hurt. 

Sometimes it's words that are never spoken that hurt something fierce... I mean, does anyone actually care at all? Does anyone see? Doesn't it matter that I feel like a dead woman walking?  It's hard though, I know, to find words sometimes. Even I, who highly values the power of words, sometimes hurt so much that I want to withhold the right words - or even choose hurtful ones. Sometimes it's a struggle - and I hate that it is.

If one can find them, if one can get past their own hurts and prejudices and lack of experience, words can be such a soothing balm. Even the smallest and humblest of words, spoken in love and empathy, can bring such comfort. 

There are so very many things we cannot choose, but we can choose our words. I believe this is our choice and our responsibility. Whether we are hurting or not, we can choose to use them to bring tears or laughter, to help or to hinder, to hurt or to heal, to build up or to tear down. This choice really is ours, let's not take it lightly. 

So then, "Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer." (Psalm 19:14)

...tions

I'm unusually behind on posting my Photo 52 photos out here, which I will catch up on soon. I enjoy doing that. In the meantime, just a quick update following my most recent post, to say that... well, yeah. Seems AF just decided to reset itself, for kicks and giggles. Not implantation, not ovulation...  just more deception and... desolation.

Dare I dream?

Yesterday, on CD 17, I had some bleeding. It was definitely more than spotting, but still light - like a normal CD 1 for me.  CD 17.... could it be implantation bleeding? Since I haven't tracked anything other than the day AF shows up since my last treatment cycle, I don't know for sure when or if I ovulated. Implantation bleeding would be a miracle, truly. An amazing miracle. Dare I dream?

Honestly, it's hard, even now, even for me, to not hope in light of something so different like this. I woke up full of hope for the first time in a long time. But the bleeding is still going today - very lightly - so I imagine that implantation bleeding wouldn't continue to go on. I wouldn't really know though. Oh, but I so wish and hope that it's implantation.

If it's not, it could maybe be ovulation bleeding - though that's never happened before. 

If it's not either of those, and this is the most likely answer I suppose, it could just be a fluky cycle that is re-setting itself. That has happened before, but not early that I can ever remember.

Anyhow, I don't know what to think. If this is my new CD 1, then that means I'll probably end up with AF while we're in Honduras - which I've otherwise been gladly expecting to avoid.  But who knows.

So... that's the unexpected happening that I'm trying not to think about.  Sigh.

Oh, but there is a nice thing to report: thanks to my darling Ar's working his cute buns off during this busy season, we were able to send a big - final! - payment to my RE this week. Yay on us for that!!! 

Old

I came out here to write about words. Words, words, words... I love words. I really do. Words is the photo theme of the week. But I'm just not up for it right now, even though I love words and like the photos I took. But you know, it was an exhausting week, for numerous reasons - and I feel like I'm a million years old. I miss my husband. He and I both had business trips this week. I got back yesterday - him not till late tomorrow. I want to write about words. I want to write about happy things. You all know how blessed and grateful I am for the sweet things in my life. But I'm so tired from walking around like a normal person, trying to cover up this searing pain. My heart just aches for things it can never have. It won't stop. My body feels old and achy and I just don't know how to stop hurting. I can't even believe my heart can keep hurting this bad. I think I'll just go to bed, instead. I wish Ar were here.

Photographer's choice, February edition

Let's see if I can write a post that isn't totally depressing and whiny. Hmm. Considering today is now CD 1, that might be tough. Well, AF was certainly quite expected, of course. It's just that it never gets easier, you know. Oh, how I wish things were different. 

But they're not. 

Anyhow........ 

This week is photographer's choice, also known - in my mind - as, goodbye winter!!  

Winter, you really are beautiful.

We've had some good times. (Hmm?)

But now it's time to go our separate ways.

Week 9: Photographer's choice

Really, it's me - not you.

Well, to be honest, I guess I just want to see other seasons.... 

Wednesday, March 20 = spring, my friends. SPRING!!!! 

No matter how long winter rages on in my heart, I will welcome spring with open arms. And toes that are ready to be freed.

"...weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." (Psalm 30:5)