What's that I hear?

Could that be the fat lady singing?

I'm a pretty fat lady, myself - but it's not me singing, not this time - but I do hear the unmistakable sounds of a fat lady singing in the distance....

This morning we got up early so I could POAS. BFN. Big fat negative. Big fat negatory. Big fat no-way, loser!

I'm so freaking tired of this. I'm so tired of so desperately wanting something so wonderful, which apparently I just don't get to have.

There will be no more treatments, we can't do anymore.

I wish I could say I have no regrets, but even though we've done everything we could do, maybe if we'd gotten married sooner I would have had more time, maybe if I weren't so fat we could have afforded just one IVF, maybe if I hadn't had the anxiety problems I wouldn't have gained so much weight and lost so much time, maybe if we had more money we could do more treatment, maybe if I had more faith.... maybe maybe maybe maybe.

We did what we could, and what we thought was right, with what we've had. I just wish it had been good enough.

A while after I tested, Ar figured I should update the girls (my IF friends), so I went to Facebook. Of course I was bombarded with baby news. Births, birthdays, grandmas, cute sayings about how amazing moms are, happy, happy, happy... So instead I shut down my phone and went back to sleep for awhile. Now I'm at work, trying to figure out how to get through the day.