Slava bogu!

I haven't written here in a week. I've meant to, but I've been a bit tired. I guess it's also fair to say I've been pretty depressed.

It probably doesn't help that Ar is out of town for business for like a million days or so... ugh!! He'll be back in a week from today. Today is his birthday and he spent it working his buns off in North Dakota. I sure wish I could have spent it with him, showing him how wonderful he is and how glad I am that he was born... and, especially, that he eventually found me!!

Instead I spent it with a wonderful friend. What a blessing to have friends that I can have fun with, but that I don't have to pretend with. It was a day full of good talk, good food, and good Russian art.

I mentioned my time in Siberia in a post last week, after I went to the farmer's market. Seems that Russia keeps popping up in my mind lately. By the way, my post title today, "Slava Bogu" means, "Praise God" in Russian.

So after the Russian museum today, and after enjoying some trout quiche and chocolate-bottomed coconut cream pie (oh my, yes!!!), my friend and I looked through the Siberia pictures that I posted on Facebook a while back. It's a bit bittersweet to look at them. It feels like that was forever ago - maybe it feels like forever ago that I was doing something outside of myself. I feel like I was doing something back then, ya know... that my trip to Siberia mattered. Why haven't I been on another mission trip since then?

Before that, during all my years at camp, I was doing something that mattered. What am I doing now that matters? I hope I'm a good wife. I hope I'm a good friend. I hope I'm a good employee. All those things matter - they matter a lot. Yet, as I continue to struggle with what else to do, now that my IF treatment journey has come to an end - though our hope to have kids has not come to an end - I repeatedly find myself feeling like everything else comes up short in comparison. This looking for a hobby, this seeking a new purpose... it all feels empty.

My friend mentioned photography tonight as an option. I've always loved photography - and have always wanted to do more. I love photography!! Way back in the day, I used to drive around and just seek out photo opportunities. Why don't I do that anymore? I found myself saying something like, "Well, but lots of people do photography... what's the point in me doing it too?" What difference does it make who else does it? Why does the sound of something I love suddenly feel so empty to me?

I know the reason, or, well, I remembered the reason as I was talking to my friend about it tonight. It just came out of my mouth. My desires are selfish and self-centered. I'm seeking something to do to fill the hole in my heart that being childless is leaving. I'm seeking fulfillment. I'm seeking to make a difference in the world - to contribute. And I'm seeking it for my own purposes. I'm not seeking to glorify God...

I'm not seeking to glorify God!

Of course there's nothing wrong with wanting to make a difference, to do good in the world, to matter... these are noble pursuits, are they not?

Perhaps, but they are not the highest good, are they?

It's not that these things are bad, but my focus is wrong, it's off - it's on me and my problems. Me and my grief. Me and how can I find fulfillment. Me. Well, I have bad news for me: I can't find it this way. My efforts will come up empty every time. This isn't photography's fault, nor is it the fault of any other innocent hobby.

No, photography, like almost anything, can and does bring glory to God. Glory a plenty!! After all, photography showcases God's splendor in a big way. It's just... it's just that if my focus is only on me and how to find a way out of my grief - and how to find fulfillment in this life - I'll be losing the forest for the trees. On the other hand, if my focus is centered on the creator, rather than the creation, it's just quite possible that the rest will follow.

I guess it just slips off that way sometimes, doesn't it? It never starts off that way - one never thinks they want their focus to get off-kilter, or to become self-centered.

Please don't get me wrong, nothing we've sought out is wrong - by no means! My heart's desire for kiddies with Ar is good - and it has not changed. It won't. To have children - a heritage from the Lord - with the hubby that I am head over heels in love with... It is good. It would be good. Nope, that doesn't just go away. I still hope that it happens. Yet, if it does, I still need my focus to be in the right place - on the creator, not the creation.

The truth, I think, is quite simple: purpose and fulfillment are a natural outflow of a correctly focused heart.

"Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me." (Psalm 51:10-12)

Poost Bog Blagoslavit Vas!! (May God bless you all!!)