"Never despair of a situation more than you trust in your Savior. It isn’t the likelihood of your hope that sustains you, but the object of your hope that sustains you."(http://www.aholyexperience.com/2012/07/when-you-are-looking-for-hope/)
I have nothing really to add to that, it's just good - really good. It was good to read. It doesn't make me feel much better right now, but I do know that it is truth. No matter how I feel, truth is still truth. Always has been, always will be.
If I focus on all my regrets, my woulda, coulda, shouldas, I'll go crazy completely. We did what we could with what we had. We did what we knew was right for us to do. It just didn't work. I don't know why. I just don't know.
Regardless, may I keep my eyes on the object of my Hope, not the likelihood of my hope.
Oh, but I am so tired and I am so crushed. This isn't the way it's supposed to be, it's just not.
A very dear friend told me today that I need to get out of this funk, that I need to get back to being part of life, instead of just halfway in, because life misses me. I love my friend dearly; my friend wants me to be happy - I understand and appreciate that. Yet, I can't hurry grief. Just because what I grieve was never visible to the human eye, it's no less real. The loss is so very real. It may not look real to anyone else, but to us - to me and to Ar - it is as painfully real as can be.
The thing is: this IS life. This is my life. I'm not just halfway in it - not at all... No - I've been all the way in, all along!! I realized that just now, as I was writing this. I really have been busy living, I have. I've been busy following our dream. What's more alive than following one's dream??? What's more alive than taking risks - risks for love, no less. For love of children we'll probably never have. (Ohhh, have mercy, I still say "probably.") I've even misjudged myself in my past blog posts; I have indeed been very busy living! Granted, it's not turning out as I'd dreamed - so very far from it - but that too is living, isn't it? So yes, this funk, it is my life right now.
There is also joy. There is grief. There is hope. There is pain. There is laughter. There are tears. This is life. Our life.
Right now there happen to be a lot of tears, but it's still living. All the way. In fact, how could I hurt as incredibly much as I do, if I weren't really living?
After all, as the Man in Black said to Buttercup: "Life is pain, highness, anyone who says differently is selling something." Thankfully, it's not all pain, not all the time. Right now it's mostly pain. We will keep on swimming, or maybe we'll just do the dead man's float for a while. Regardless, I am all the way in.
“Go forth today, by the help of God’s Spirit, vowing and declaring that in life—-come poverty, come wealth, in death—come pain or come what may, you are and ever must be the Lord’s. For this is written on your heart, ‘We love Him because He first loved us.’”
(Charles H. Spurgeon)
Mmmmm...Good words, love. There is so much wisdom in your posts. Sometimes I wonder why you or I or anyone needs to experience so many lessons in understanding and empathy. One thing is for sure: if I ever need the counsel or comfort of a friend, I will feel comfortable coming to you. I still hope for your biological child too, and that your dreams of being a mother will come true one way or another. Thank you for being real and sharing your heart. Thank you for not rushing into or out of what you are feeling. You set a mighty fine example for the rest of us.
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