Lost

I'm not even a week into the 2ww, but I'm filled with... just sadness, I guess. Just sort of this zombie-like sadness. I'm not feeling very positive about this cycle. I've been eating ice cream - I mean, not an inappropriate amount - but I've mentioned several times this blog that that is one of my superstitions, based on my former acupuncture doctor's admonitions. This time... I know it really doesn't matter. Plus, it's a thousand degrees out and ice cream is about all I want.

It's terrible, but I feel already resigned to another BFN. I shouldn't feel this way, but I do.

My test day is July 12. Before that, in one week from today, I turn 41. Is it too early for a mid-life crisis? How 'bout a mid-life cocktail?

I've been dreaming lately - literally dreaming, that is - of running. Maybe after the 12th, I need to start taking that up. Only if it cools down first though. Maybe I'll get so many endorphins pumping through my body that I won't remember how sad I am. How empty this all feels.

There are always miracles. I believe in miracles! Believing in miracles doesn't mean I get one, or not about this. I don't know why.

People say to "think positive." Positive or not, the outcome is always the same.

If this doesn't work, I so wish I could just quit my job and run off with Ar and work his business together. I'd always want what I can't have, but at least I'd be with him - and he makes me so happy!! Contrary to how sad I am, he makes me so very happy. I am so happy, and so sad.

When he's gone on his business trips, I'm even sadder. He has to leave again in the morning - through Wednesday night. I'll be off Wednesday for the 4th of July, and I've got nothin! No parties, no beach, no barbeques to go to... nothing fun. I'll be sitting alone in our cozy air-conditioned apartment - feeling fat and ugly and oh so defective - missing him, and missing our kids, who we don't get to have, and trying to not sound so sad when he calls me. It's hard on him when I sound so sad. Oh how I love that guy!! I'm so incredibly blessed to be with him!! Ahh, but when that guy has to be gone, no matter how long I've lived in this state, it still feels like I'm a stranger in a strange land. It's a comfortable strange land, and I like it, but it's a lonely one!!

How pathetic am I? I'm an independent woman, right?? I used to be, anyhow. So how can I feel so lost without my husband. How can I feel so empty without children? I really have just two good friends here, and I can't make them hang out with me all the time! My family and close friends are otherwise six hours away. Not that living back there would change the sadness, but I'd at least be busier. Maybe I could get back involved in my camp as a volunteer. Maybe I could be part of something that matters, outside of myself. I just feel so lost. I wish Ar wasn't leaving tomorrow. It's only one night away, but I just dread it. I'm pathetic! I'm so pathetic!!!! I hate the way I must sound!! Oh Lord, help me please - I'm so lost.