To trust, or not to trust...

About a year ago, my therapist suggested I read Brennan Manning's book, "Ruthless Trust." I promptly purchased and downloaded it onto my beloved Kindle, but I didn't start it until today. I've only read about half of the first chapter, but it's already hit me right where I live.

See, though my whole IF journey so far, I've never doubted God's love for me. Nope, I really haven't questioned that one. I have occasionally thought (ok, maybe more than occasionally) that God knows that I'd make a terrible mother and that's why I'm IF. I've also occasionally (much more than occasionally) figured I did some horrible thing (like a long forgotten unconfessed sin, or sitting on concrete, eating ice cream, or not eating enough shrimp) that warranted my IF. I have begged and begged to understand, to know WHY - to have answers to the thousand whys. I've questioned, and begged, and pleaded, and wept... I've questioned every aspect of my life. I've done everything I could think of to fix myself, and in the process I've thought a lot of wacko bananas crazy things - yet I've never thought God didn't love me.

However.... If I'm honest, I have to admit that I haven't really trusted Him. Not really. There's been too much fear in my heart that if I trust Him, if I really trust Him, I might have to accept an outcome I don't want; I might have to accept that He could still give me a good life, regardless. I don't want to accept these things. I want what I want. I think these quiet truths, which I'm loathe to admit, are why I've hesitated to read the book that my therapist recommended.

"When the brilliant ethicist John Kavanaugh went to work for 3 months at 'the house of the dying' in Calcutta, he was seeking a clear answer as to how best to spend the rest of his life. On the first morning there he met Mother Teresa. She asked, 'And what can I do for you?' Kavanaugh asked her to pray for him.

'What do you want me to pray for?' she asked. He voiced the request that he had borne thousands of miles from the United States. 'Pray that I have clarity.'
She said firmly, 'No, I will not do that.' When he asked her why, she said, 'Clarity is the last thing you are clinging to and must let go of.' When Kavanaugh commented that she always seemed to have the clarity he longed for, she laughed and said, 'I have never had clarity; what I have always had is trust. So I will pray that you will trust God.'

We ourselves have known and put our trust in God’s love toward ourselves.
(1 John 4:16). Craving clarity, we attempt to eliminate the risk of trusting God. Fear of the unknown path stretching ahead of us destroys childlike trust in the Father’s active goodness and unrestricted love.

We often presume that trust will dispel the confusion, illuminate the darkness, vanquish the uncertainty, and redeem the times. But the cloud of witnesses in Hebrews 11 testifies that this is not the case. Our trust does not bring final clarity on this earth. It does not still the chaos or dull the pain or provide a crutch. When all else is unclear, the heart of trust says, as Jesus did on the cross, 'Into your hands I commit my spirit' (Luke 23:46) " (Ruthless Trust)

The quotes I posted from Corrie Ten Boom the other day... the one about the train going through the dark tunnel. That one hits so close to home because, honestly, I don't sit still and trust the engineer. I get anxious and I do everything in my power to try (unsuccessfully) to fix the darkness and get out of that tunnel. I pray, yes, I pray - I pray a desperate, anxious, pleading prayer, but I don't listen, and I don't let my prayers change me because only one answer, one outcome, has been acceptable to me. And oh how I want the pain to dull, I want it so much - so very much! Yet this tunnel goes on and on and it just seems darker and darker. I've been banging and screaming to get out of the tunnel, but it just doesn't end...

Yeah, I couldn't even get through the first chapter of the book without feeling overwhelmed by it. I think this is going to be a difficult read for me. I hope I have the courage to plow on.

Thoughts for the day

I'm trusting the interweb that these quotes really are from Corrie Ten Boom, but you know what the great Abraham Lincoln said about trusting the internet for quotes, so who can say for sure....

The first one caught my eye on Facebook this morning, which caused me to look up others from her. Some I remember vaguely from reading "The Hiding Place," but others I trust are from her - but either way, they're good and they really hit home. Perhaps I should read "The Hiding Place" again.

“If you look at the world, you'll be distressed. If you look within, you'll be depressed. If you look at God you'll be at rest.”

Isn't that the truth? I can certainly attest to this - it's much like what I was trying to get at in my last post, Slava Bogu. Yes, may I have the strength of mind to stop looking so much within!!

“Do you know what hurts so very much? It's love. Love is the strongest force in the world, and when it is blocked that means pain. There are two things we can do when this happens. We can kill that love so that it stops hurting. But then of course part of us dies, too. Or we can ask God to open up another route for that love to travel.” (The Hiding Place)

Yes, yes - I know the first part of this is true. I feel this every day - this love for the children I don't - and will probably never - have. It has been blocked at every turn... and it hurts like nothing I've ever known. I so want to just make that love go away. But do I really trust that God will open up another route? Do I trust that our childlessness can result in a life lived to the full?

“There are no 'if's' in God's world. And no places that are safer than other places. The center of His will is our only safety - let us pray that we may always know it!” (The Hiding Place)

Yes, let's do pray that!!! (By the way, I have to admit that I sure wish by no "ifs," she meant no "IFs" as in no infertiles, but such is life. )

“When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don’t throw away the ticket and jump off. You sit still and trust the engineer.”

This is a long and dark tunnel, indeed. Lord, help me to trust.

“There is no pit so deep, that God's love is not deeper still.”

Amen!!

Slava bogu!

I haven't written here in a week. I've meant to, but I've been a bit tired. I guess it's also fair to say I've been pretty depressed.

It probably doesn't help that Ar is out of town for business for like a million days or so... ugh!! He'll be back in a week from today. Today is his birthday and he spent it working his buns off in North Dakota. I sure wish I could have spent it with him, showing him how wonderful he is and how glad I am that he was born... and, especially, that he eventually found me!!

Instead I spent it with a wonderful friend. What a blessing to have friends that I can have fun with, but that I don't have to pretend with. It was a day full of good talk, good food, and good Russian art.

I mentioned my time in Siberia in a post last week, after I went to the farmer's market. Seems that Russia keeps popping up in my mind lately. By the way, my post title today, "Slava Bogu" means, "Praise God" in Russian.

So after the Russian museum today, and after enjoying some trout quiche and chocolate-bottomed coconut cream pie (oh my, yes!!!), my friend and I looked through the Siberia pictures that I posted on Facebook a while back. It's a bit bittersweet to look at them. It feels like that was forever ago - maybe it feels like forever ago that I was doing something outside of myself. I feel like I was doing something back then, ya know... that my trip to Siberia mattered. Why haven't I been on another mission trip since then?

Before that, during all my years at camp, I was doing something that mattered. What am I doing now that matters? I hope I'm a good wife. I hope I'm a good friend. I hope I'm a good employee. All those things matter - they matter a lot. Yet, as I continue to struggle with what else to do, now that my IF treatment journey has come to an end - though our hope to have kids has not come to an end - I repeatedly find myself feeling like everything else comes up short in comparison. This looking for a hobby, this seeking a new purpose... it all feels empty.

My friend mentioned photography tonight as an option. I've always loved photography - and have always wanted to do more. I love photography!! Way back in the day, I used to drive around and just seek out photo opportunities. Why don't I do that anymore? I found myself saying something like, "Well, but lots of people do photography... what's the point in me doing it too?" What difference does it make who else does it? Why does the sound of something I love suddenly feel so empty to me?

I know the reason, or, well, I remembered the reason as I was talking to my friend about it tonight. It just came out of my mouth. My desires are selfish and self-centered. I'm seeking something to do to fill the hole in my heart that being childless is leaving. I'm seeking fulfillment. I'm seeking to make a difference in the world - to contribute. And I'm seeking it for my own purposes. I'm not seeking to glorify God...

I'm not seeking to glorify God!

Of course there's nothing wrong with wanting to make a difference, to do good in the world, to matter... these are noble pursuits, are they not?

Perhaps, but they are not the highest good, are they?

It's not that these things are bad, but my focus is wrong, it's off - it's on me and my problems. Me and my grief. Me and how can I find fulfillment. Me. Well, I have bad news for me: I can't find it this way. My efforts will come up empty every time. This isn't photography's fault, nor is it the fault of any other innocent hobby.

No, photography, like almost anything, can and does bring glory to God. Glory a plenty!! After all, photography showcases God's splendor in a big way. It's just... it's just that if my focus is only on me and how to find a way out of my grief - and how to find fulfillment in this life - I'll be losing the forest for the trees. On the other hand, if my focus is centered on the creator, rather than the creation, it's just quite possible that the rest will follow.

I guess it just slips off that way sometimes, doesn't it? It never starts off that way - one never thinks they want their focus to get off-kilter, or to become self-centered.

Please don't get me wrong, nothing we've sought out is wrong - by no means! My heart's desire for kiddies with Ar is good - and it has not changed. It won't. To have children - a heritage from the Lord - with the hubby that I am head over heels in love with... It is good. It would be good. Nope, that doesn't just go away. I still hope that it happens. Yet, if it does, I still need my focus to be in the right place - on the creator, not the creation.

The truth, I think, is quite simple: purpose and fulfillment are a natural outflow of a correctly focused heart.

"Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me." (Psalm 51:10-12)

Poost Bog Blagoslavit Vas!! (May God bless you all!!)

Helpless

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. Today found me in a bit of a dither. Maybe I just stayed up too late last night, I'm not sure. Ar went to bed early from a busy work weekend, plus he had to get up at 3am to head out to another show this morning. Well, I worked on Words with Friends and wrote a blog, then just as I was going to turn in, I discovered one of my favorite stupid movies on tv... ("Bees, bees!!!! Save yourselves - your firearms are useless against them!!!") and having no boundaries, or good decision making skills, I watched the rest of it. Basically I went to bed when Ar was just waking up to leave. That was actually nice because we laid there and talked for a while, then I got back up and helped him get going. Usually I'm snoring when he leaves. After he left, I couldn't fall asleep. So, hopefully that explains today's difficulties, but... that's probably an oversimplification.

Today isn't the first time lately I've found myself battling with anxiety again. This has been happening a bit more lately - well, first after the episode with my brother last weekend, and then since the BFN.... I didn't actually have a panic attack today, but I felt that anxious pit in my stomach, and every bone and muscle in my body ached something fierce. I didn't always know what all of this was, but I do now. Oh dear.

Today was a busy day of meetings and interviews at work, so I seriously didn't have time for that, but anxiety doesn't care - especially when you have to stare at a seven month pregnant belly for a couple hours of the meetings. Well, I made it through, only to come home to Ar in near tears and crawl into bed. I felt terrible about it because he's been working so hard, as always, and has a lot of business on his mind, but... I don't know. Well, he followed me in and we talked.

I told him some of what is in my mind (as if I ever actually hold back on the poor dear!) It's just that I'm just so ridiculously tired of trying and caring and of.... hoping. Hoping for this particular dream to come true. When do I get to just give up?

We're done with treatment, but we have some of drugs still... the plan is to skip this month because Ar will be gone for 10 days, starting Thursday morning (needless to say: UGHHHHH!!!!!) But in August, we plan to start up the injections again, and use them till they're gone, trying on our own. We also will have access to some Clomid, which we'd use after the injections. On the one hand, I'm grateful to have more ovulation drugs to boost our chances. On the other hand, I am so tired of trying and hoping for something that doesn't seem in the cards.

But what if it is?

That's the rub, right?

If only to have a definitive answer, if only to never have to wonder...

I'm just tired, I guess.

Well, after an hour or so of a little talk and a little relax, I started feeling a better. Better enough to finally have a little dinner, so Ar made me a fried egg with some potatoes, and a slice of the bread I made for him yesterday. He makes a mean fried egg and potatoes, by the way! Even if he didn't, I'm so grateful for his love.

In the midst of the day somewhere, a very lovely friend of mine sent me this excerpt from an email devotional she'd received today. Once again, Doc Google to the rescue - turns out it was also from Proverbs 31 Ministries, which I quoted from just the other day. This post is speaking of a woman's difficulty with her daughter, but it speaks to my pain quite well.

"...In that process, I've come to believe that God will never waste our pain, but I can.

• When I'm not honest about the reality of how hard life is, I waste God's offer of peace.

• When I try to do things in my own strength, I waste God's offer of power.

• When I keep the pain to myself, and pretend everything is perfect, I waste opportunities to minister to others walking a similar path.

But when I confess my feelings of inadequacies, when I admit I'm helpless to heal the wounded ones in my care, I get to a place of reliance - and that's just where God wants me. For in this place of helplessness, God takes center stage. And when I let God lead, miracles start to happen.

Although I'd remove the pain and trauma with a snap of my fingers if I could, I know God is working even in this.....

Dear Lord, we've been here before, with me asking for relief. Help me to accept my weakness in this situation, and to allow Your power to take over. I admit I don't understand how this works, but I'm choosing to trust Your Word. In Jesus' Name, Amen." (http://www.proverbs31.org/devotions/god-never-wastes-our-pain-2012-06/)

Amen.

From AF to Siberia

Sometimes I like to ask Dr. Google random questions that I already know the answer to. It's just a sick game I like to play. AF started yesterday and I can't stop acknowledging how much it ticks me off that I have to deal with this, even though I apparently don't get to have kids.

"It's almost that time of the month. You feel puffier than a marshmallow and your forehead breaks out in zits. Chocolate is the only thing that calms you down and prevents you from beating up that irritating guy behind you in math.

Why do girls have to go through this?

Well, for one thing, it's your body's way of preparing for pregnancy. Once you get your period, it means that you are physically able to become pregnant and have a baby – although you don't necessarily feel ready!

Periods happen as a result of hormones released from a gland at the base of your brain called the pituitary gland. These hormones cause an egg to be released. At the same time, the lining of your uterus (or womb) is becoming thicker – like a soft and spongy bed, ready for the egg.

If you have sex while everything is in place, you have a good chance of falling pregnant – unless you use contraception (like a condom). If you don't have sex, the egg does not get fertilized and the uterus lining starts to break down. The blood and tissue from this lining comes out through your vagina over the course of a few days – this is your period."(http://www.health24.com/teens/Your_body/735-1433-1436,14189.asp)

A good chance of falling pregnant - yeah right!!!

Anyhow, yes, occasionally Dr. Google does lead me to advice for teens. That's just how it is sometimes, when you're a forty-something asking silly questions like, "Why do I get my period?"

And yes, of course I already knew the answer. I also already know that the reasons for that evil old biddy, Aunt Flo, still exist regardless of my infertility. Still, it irks me to no end!!! I'm pretty sure all women hate AF, but infertility makes it all the more bitter.

Adding to the fun, here's the sequence of events for this past week: BFN, AF, EOBs.

Thursday was the BFN, Saturday was the start of AF, and today, Sunday, I opened yesterday's mail, which contained literally 23 EOBs from our insurance company. Boy, I can't wait to get the actual bills from the RE's office. We got a whopper of a bill already last week, but it was only the beginning, judging by all the EOBs. Well, that's just the way the cookie crumbles, I guess.

In completely other news, I went to the farmer's market today because Ar had his booth set up there today (it's rare for him to work in that sort of show, but he didn't have any of his more normal shows this weekend.) I hadn't been there in many years - it was fun to pop in. I went late, so it wasn't as crowded as it normally would be. Ar had to man his booth so I walked around alone, but was never far off from him. I enjoyed being there, but it sure made me wish that Ar didn't have to work so many weekends so we could do things like that more often - together. It was definitely a family type environment, lots of couples with their adorable little kids running about. I guess I don't have to tell you that is one of those things I was mentioning in my last post - all the reminders. All the "wish it could be us" moments. There's just no escaping them. Yes, yes - so many sweet, cute families enjoying a beautiful Sunday at the farmer's market... Sigh!! So wish it could be us. Ar and I are sweet, we're cute - aren't we? Ok, ok - he's the cute and sweet one, so he kind of carries me in those regards, but still, you get my point, right? It's bittersweet because I'm happy for people, and it's fun to see them enjoying the day in such a lovely place, supporting small and local businesses, but... well, yeah.

Anyhow, it is nice there. I picked up some treats for Ar: beets (not a favorite of mine), smoked trout, and basil for him to plant. I spotted some lemon basil and purple basil there, so I picked up some of those too, for fun. I don't really know what to do with purple basil, but thought it would be fun to try. Before I bought it though, I asked the girl selling it what the difference is between purple basil and regular basil. She said she didn't know because she doesn't plant or cook... I thought that was kind of funny, since she was selling it, especially when she offered for me to eat a leaf. I don't know why all that amused me so much, but it kind of did. Anyhow, thanks to the wonders of modern technology, which we've only recently joined the ranks of, I pulled out my Android phone and asked Dr. Google! Good ole Doc Google's been ever so helpful today, hasn't he?!

Anyhow, apparently purple basil can be used in pretty much anything you use regular basil for, but it has a slightly licorice taste. Ar loves to make basil tea, and of course I love to cook - and think basil is just lovely, so it'll be nice to try these new types of basil - even if we're a little late planting it. Hopefully it'll take well.

Ar boiled up the beets late this afternoon - I'll admit, they weren't too bad. After all, the few weeks I spent in Siberia taught me that I really, really love borscht, so why wouldn't I like beets?? Well, maybe it's partly because during that same time in Siberia, one time I thought I was biting into delicious red jello, but it was really some sort of gelatinous pan of beet something or another... Shudder!!! Nothing worse than biting into something, when you think it's something else completely. Ok, there's worse, but admit it - that is bad... Jello - beets, big difference!!! The smoked trout was awfully nice too. I only had a couple bites, because these were Ar's treats after all, but it was enough to also remind me of the time in Siberia when we had smoked omul on the shore of Lake Baikal (pictured below.) Siberia really was an amazing experience in my life - not just because of the food, but today's little treats sure reminded me of there!

Rambling thoughts today, eh?

A Word

I know I've probably grown much more sensitive over the last several years since I've been dealing with IF. In other ways, I've grown much tougher, but I'll admit... words hurt. Words can be a healing balm, yet some words can hurt very much:

• "Well, everything happens for a reason"
• "Get over it"
• "Maybe God doesn't want you to be a mother"
• "Oh, you can't have kids - ya want mine?"
• "No kids, man - you're so lucky!"
  
• "Wow, my husband just looks at me and bam, I'm pregnant!"
• "Oh, yeah - that whole infertility thing..."
• "Just relax! If it's meant to be, it'll happen!"
• "You just need to think more positive."
  

Today I heard more hurtful words. They weren't meant to be, I do know that. It's never meant with malice. It's probably better to let these words go, but they seep into all those vulnerable crevices. See, on any given day, I'm already on the edge. I can leave the house and walk around, smile and joke, work and run around doing what I need to do, but inside I'm just a bundle of nerves and vulnerability. On a day like today, two days after yet another BFN, the day AF shows up... it's all I can do to get out of bed, let alone go out and face the world. Of course, people don't know that, unless they're lucky enough to read my super fun and awesome and blog here. Since the lucky 99.99999999% of the population doesn't read it, I don't really expect that anyone knows where I really am. I guess that's why they say to be nicer than necessary, since we're all fighting some kind of battle.

I brace myself against known triggers, like pregnant women at the grocery store, but there are more triggers than you can imagine. After all, the world must procreate, right? Survival of the species, and all that jazz. Getting pregnant and having kids is the norm, after all. If I were trying to beat alcoholism, I'd avoid bars and liquor stores, but I can't avoid pregnant women and children. I can't avoid all the reminders. They're all over, but sometimes they come out of no where, and I'm dumbfounded. Usually I'm so dumbfounded that I have little or no response. Besides, if I tried to respond, I'd probably just start crying. I have a real fear, in these situations, that if I start crying I'll never stop.

Yeah, sure, I'm more sensitive. But please, any non-IF friends reading this, before you judge me as being too sensitive and whiny, or overreacting, just try imagining living with IF a day, a week, a month, month after month, a year, year after year, six years and counting... Please, just try walking a mile in my flip flops before you judge. The world keeps moving on and it tends to expect us to just get over this, to just resolve it. In real life, major life trauma doesn't just resolve itself in the span of a 30 or 60 minute television show. Would that it did! Instead, we watch our friends get pregnant, have babies, have birthday parties - when you're my age, you watch your friends' kids go off to college and get married... We listen to the pride, the complaints, the fun, we look at the pictures, we read the excessively fertile Facebook postings - and we are happy for our friends. We are! So we try our best to show that happiness, to not cry in front of them, to try not to make anyone uncomfortable. We try to be more happy than bitter.

IF isn't the only thing that produces the walking wounded, of course. There are plenty of other hurt people walking around out there, for one reason or another, with other issues that don't just go away in 30 or 60 minutes. After all, this is life - and sometimes life is pain, highness. It's hard, no one really knows what to say or do to someone in pain - especially someone who doesn't just get over it quickly. I get that. No one means harm, and I honestly don't mean any of this critically. I get it. Still, these things make the hurt hurt and this is where I process that.

It's just, let's all please be gentle with each other. Let's use our words to support and encourage. I think it's fair to say that most of us need more caring, than advice on how you think our problem can be fixed. We could use more offers to listen, than invasive or judgmental questions. We'd love more words of love, than pat answers. We don't need tough love, rather we need patience and understanding. If you don't know what to say, that's ok - no one does! Just let us know you're praying, offer a hug, ask if there's anything you can do, send a card, just check in with us once in a while to let us know you care.... just be our friend.

To those of you who have done those very sorts of things during my life with IF - which probably includes you if you're someone who I told about this blog, and who reads it - thank you, thank you so so so very much. It means more than you'll ever know!!!

“How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant of the weak and the strong. Because someday in life you will have been all of these.” (George Washington Carver)

Life as I know it

Tonight I saw one of very few non-painful Facebook posts lately (seems everyone's pregnant, or else turning one year old etc etc, lately). It was a link to a blog, posted by Proverbs 31 Ministries, which I really like, but which also often talks about mothering etc. I often think I should unlike it, to remove those reminders, but then they go and post something fantastic. Anyhow, the blog they linked to was about Haiti, but this is what captured my attention:

"Never despair of a situation more than you trust in your Savior. It isn’t the likelihood of your hope that sustains you, but the object of your hope that sustains you."

(http://www.aholyexperience.com/2012/07/when-you-are-looking-for-hope/)

I have nothing really to add to that, it's just good - really good. It was good to read. It doesn't make me feel much better right now, but I do know that it is truth. No matter how I feel, truth is still truth. Always has been, always will be.

If I focus on all my regrets, my woulda, coulda, shouldas, I'll go crazy completely. We did what we could with what we had. We did what we knew was right for us to do. It just didn't work. I don't know why. I just don't know.

Regardless, may I keep my eyes on the object of my Hope, not the likelihood of my hope.

Oh, but I am so tired and I am so crushed. This isn't the way it's supposed to be, it's just not.

A very dear friend told me today that I need to get out of this funk, that I need to get back to being part of life, instead of just halfway in, because life misses me. I love my friend dearly; my friend wants me to be happy - I understand and appreciate that. Yet, I can't hurry grief. Just because what I grieve was never visible to the human eye, it's no less real. The loss is so very real. It may not look real to anyone else, but to us - to me and to Ar - it is as painfully real as can be.

The thing is: this IS life. This is my life. I'm not just halfway in it - not at all... No - I've been all the way in, all along!! I realized that just now, as I was writing this. I really have been busy living, I have. I've been busy following our dream. What's more alive than following one's dream??? What's more alive than taking risks - risks for love, no less. For love of children we'll probably never have. (Ohhh, have mercy, I still say "probably.") I've even misjudged myself in my past blog posts; I have indeed been very busy living! Granted, it's not turning out as I'd dreamed - so very far from it - but that too is living, isn't it? So yes, this funk, it is my life right now.

There is also joy. There is grief. There is hope. There is pain. There is laughter. There are tears. This is life. Our life.

Right now there happen to be a lot of tears, but it's still living. All the way. In fact, how could I hurt as incredibly much as I do, if I weren't really living?

After all, as the Man in Black said to Buttercup: "Life is pain, highness, anyone who says differently is selling something." Thankfully, it's not all pain, not all the time. Right now it's mostly pain. We will keep on swimming, or maybe we'll just do the dead man's float for a while. Regardless, I am all the way in.

“Go forth today, by the help of God’s Spirit, vowing and declaring that in life—-come poverty, come wealth, in death—come pain or come what may, you are and ever must be the Lord’s. For this is written on your heart, ‘We love Him because He first loved us.’”
(Charles H. Spurgeon)

What's that I hear?

Could that be the fat lady singing?

I'm a pretty fat lady, myself - but it's not me singing, not this time - but I do hear the unmistakable sounds of a fat lady singing in the distance....

This morning we got up early so I could POAS. BFN. Big fat negative. Big fat negatory. Big fat no-way, loser!

I'm so freaking tired of this. I'm so tired of so desperately wanting something so wonderful, which apparently I just don't get to have.

There will be no more treatments, we can't do anymore.

I wish I could say I have no regrets, but even though we've done everything we could do, maybe if we'd gotten married sooner I would have had more time, maybe if I weren't so fat we could have afforded just one IVF, maybe if I hadn't had the anxiety problems I wouldn't have gained so much weight and lost so much time, maybe if we had more money we could do more treatment, maybe if I had more faith.... maybe maybe maybe maybe.

We did what we could, and what we thought was right, with what we've had. I just wish it had been good enough.

A while after I tested, Ar figured I should update the girls (my IF friends), so I went to Facebook. Of course I was bombarded with baby news. Births, birthdays, grandmas, cute sayings about how amazing moms are, happy, happy, happy... So instead I shut down my phone and went back to sleep for awhile. Now I'm at work, trying to figure out how to get through the day.

Contentment and desire

I used to only be forty. As of yesterday, I'm officially IN my forties, a regular forty-something. Yay.

Oh how I detest IF and all that it robs us of. I detest that it's robbed me of the pure joy of my birthday. Instead, birthdays for me have become tainted with so much sadness: a milestone of grief and unrealized hope.

Yet, I am happy to be alive, and I know that I am blessed beyond measure.

Today a friend told me something she once heard at a Christian training, which always stuck with her, "I believe that contentment and desire can reign in the same heart."

Sounds familiar. Contentment and desire, how's that for a fun birthday party theme?

On my birthday weekend, I made the six hour drive down to see my family and friends. Friday was wonderful! I spent the afternoon at the camp I worked at for so many years, hanging out with dear old friends - pure delight!!! Sunday I had the grand - and all too rare - pleasure of hanging out with my best friend, largely.... venting about Saturday.

On Saturday, my family gathered at my brother "J's" house. It was all good. Until I started to feel really, really - really! - sad. No one did anything wrong, it was all on me. I just got so sad. See, my other brother, "T," has two beautiful kids - I adore my niblings!!! They are simply awesome!! They are 11 and 8 now, and I miss so much because we live here and they live there. Yet, they seem to really love Ar and me, but I don't even really get to be the "cool auntie," because I'm just too far away.

Anyhow, I guess the ole green-eyed monster got to me because after hearing about T's fun family vacations, the kids' dance, taekwondo, and many other fun activities... Well, I just got downer and downer. I tried to be okay, and I tried to cover my sadness with the fact that J's darn fat cat gives me a splitting headache and itchy skin, but it was so hard. The gathering was otherwise pleasant and fun, but not for me. Well, I plodded along. Finally people started heading out, so I went out to the porch to say goodbye to J, who otherwise hadn't said two words to me the whole time - which is standard. He doesn't really talk much. Well, it was just him and me, and he said, "So, everything going okay?" I said, "Yeah," and nodded my head. Then.... well, what else would I do but burst out into weepy tears in front of my brother, who is not exactly big in empathy or compassion. He just sat there and watched me, while I cried and muttered out unintelligible utterances of horror at what was happening. Finally, I knew I had to say something, so I simply said something like, "I'm just upset because we just had our final infertility treatment and I'm just sure it didn't work - and we can't do anymore and I'm about to be 41!!"

His response, "Oh, well, everything happens for a reason, you know, so you'll just have to accept it."

Uhhhhh?

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh??

Huh?

Yep, I heard it right though because he repeated it, and elaborated, just so I'd be sure. When I gathered myself up a bit from that response, which is definitely in the top ten list of things not to say to someone dealing with infertility, I let him know that I do not think everything happens for a reason. He asked how I could have the faith I do, yet not believe that. I informed him that I believe that, while I trust in God and in His plan, I don't see a reason to believe that every single ailment or happenstance is God's specific choosing. In addition to free will producing various circumstances, which are definitely not all God's will, what I believe is that original sin brought about a fallen world, full of sickness and death - along with a host of other nasty consequences of sin. In any case, my faith in Christ doesn't waiver based on my circumstances, no matter how awful they are to me or whether or not there is a reason. Besides, would having a reason make it hurt any less? Well, he reiterated that everything happens for a reason, and I switched to plotting my escape. (PS: I'm not saying nothing ever happens for a reason.) (PPS: I also happen to believe that God can use all things - even the horrible, ugly, mucky things - to His glory, but that's a whole different story.)

As I was leaving, I gave him a hug and he said to not worry, that everything will be okay. Thanks, big bro!!

I skedaddled out of there as fast as I could, and bawled like the wind. I made it to a drive through joint and ordered a diet soda (a primary comfort food for me) and pulled into a space - bawling the whole time. This was turning into a panic attack, which I hadn't had in ages. All I wanted was my Ar, but I couldn't get him on the phone (he was working an outside show and had to keep his phone in a cooler in this crazy heat), so I went to my private IF group on Facebook where I pecked out the whole awful story on my phone. I love my group!! I got some immediate support there, which was amazing.

Finally I pulled out, just wanting to crawl in bed. Ar called me as I pulled onto the highway, still bawling. We weren't connecting real well because of the phone connection and my unintelligible ramblings. Poor Ar, he later told me he was kind of freaking out because he didn't know what had happened - he feared an accident, that maybe I'd hit someone...? But no, just an ordinary unprovoked melt-down, turned panic attack. Then he just felt so bad because he wasn't there with me, but he couldn't be. Oh how I wanted his comfort though - well, he did give me his comfort, but I so wanted his arms and his chest and his fuzzy face. Well, I drove, sobbing, and talking on the phone, down the highway... not cool, I know, I know!! It's hard to find a place to pull off there, and really - I was just beside myself and not thinking clearly.

Tough night.

The next morning I had breakfast with mom before I headed out of town. Her opening was to let me know we should consider adoption. I let her know it's not as easy as all that, and that - more importantly even - we are not there. To choose adoption, you must be able to let go of the dream of a biological connection, of seeing his face, your face - your dad's face - in their face. When I look at my nephew, I see my dad. I dream of that. Is that shallow? I really don't think so. In any case, I'm not there. But mom says she knows I could love anyone. Well, that's well and good, but I'm not there.

By the way, "just adopt," also on that top ten list of what not to say. Understand something: we all know that adoption exists. Furthermore, we all agree that just throwing out a "why don't you just adopt?" like all we have to do is drive down to the nearest big box store and pick ourselves out the infant of our dreams, and they all lived happily ever after, does not help. Sigh.

I want to be clear: I'm not upset with anyone in my family. They mean well and people don't know what to say. (Hint: err on the side of fewer words of advice, and more hugs and offers of support and prayers.) My family isn't close in any normal sense of the word, but we love each and always mean well. Still, it all hurt like crazy.

I couldn't wait to be home Sunday night, with Ar. On Monday, my birthday, I was still pretty down. Ar serenaded me in the morning - adorable!! Then I slept some more, and he brought me in a little cake for a fun breakfast treat. Still, I sulked a bit - just sad. He wanted me to pick where to eat out, but I just didn't care. But finally I said, "let's just go do something." He suggested going out to for a cruise on the St. Croix river, which neither of us had ever done. That was very lovely - and a grand idea!!! Sometimes you just gotta keep going and find something, I guess. Well, we had a very nice cruise - merrily, merrily, merrily... life is but a dream, right? Then we moved on to some pizza and malts, then went to see a movie - Brave, me being in need of a dose of bravery, after all. It was a truly lovely day, all in all. My Ar makes even my saddest days fun and happy.

Oh, then I got an email from brother J saying, "Hope you had a good birthday, and I hope everything is better now." Yeah.... that whole infertility thing - all better now! Thanks for asking. Wow.

A gift, and a curse

My last post was pathetic. Ugh - I hate that I wrote it. No, I like that I wrote it, because it's me and, while I want to focus on all things lovely, it would be disingenuous to omit the ugly. It's part and parcel with the good and the bad, after all. However, I do hate that I so keenly feel the ugly. After I wrote the last post, all I could think of after was what God said to Eve, after she and Adam were busted for eating of the tree from which God told them not to eat.

"To the woman he said, 'I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing; with pain you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.' "
(Genesis 3:16)

Seems I only inherited half of that curse; I do so desire for my husband. I am blessed that he is such a good and loving man. I recognize that such intense desire, while part of the Biblical curse, is also a gift. I thank God that I've been given one who does not take advantage of this gift - and a curse.

As for the first half of that curse, and since I'm speaking like Mr. Monk: unless I am wrong, which, you know I'm not, I absolutely believe that the permanent pains of infertility are far greater than the temporary pains of childbearing. (Obviously, I have never been pregnant or delivered a child, so I can't actually be certain, yet... well, I am.)

“There are three things that are never satisfied, four that never say, ‘Enough!’: the grave, the barren womb, land, which is never satisfied with water, and fire, which never says, ‘Enough!’ (Proverbs 30:15-16)

For the infertile woman, who cannot achieve her dream, there is no coming out of labor, after all: no fruit of the womb, no heritage from the Lord, no being fruitful and multiply. There is no satisfaction, no fulfillment of that ancient longing. There is no way to escape it unscathed. There is nothing that replaces it, no distraction deemed worthy.

Yes, there will one day be some sort of acceptance, whatever that looks like, but will anything ever be able to fill that void?

Life has been on hold in so many ways, as I'm written about many times, and I'll have to find a way to move forward. Tell me, though, what even comes close to filling that void? What replaces a heritage from the Lord? No really, what? These desires, they are such a gift - and such a curse.

Yes, the Lord is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Yes, I do trust he will make straight my paths. Yes, I believe in all these things I've always believed, they do bring me comfort, strength, and hope. Yet...

In a book I just finished today, I read the line, "by the time your children's children have children..." and I immediately burst out crying - in the local Smash Burger of course - because that's just what I do.

There's been an article going around in my IF groups lately, about a study: Childless women with fertility problems at higher risk of hospitalization for psychiatric disorders. Here's an excerpt from the article:

...Baldur-Felskov and her colleagues analyzed data from 98,737 Danish women who had been diagnosed with fertility problems between 1973 and 2008, cross-referencing the patients with Denmark's population-based Danish Psychiatric Central Registry. The results, presented today at the annual meeting of the European Society of Human Reproduction and Embryology in Istanbul, Turkey, included information on hospitalizations for psychiatric issues including alcohol abuse, schizophrenia, depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, eating disorders, and other forms of what the registry calls "mental disorders."

After an average of 12.6 years, 54 percent of the patients studied did end up having at least one baby. Nearly 5,000 of the women in the study were hospitalized for a psychiatric disorder of some kind after finding out that they were infertile -- the most common diagnoses were "anxiety, adjustment, and obsessive compulsive disorders" and "affective disorders including depression."

"Our study showed that women who remained childless after fertility evaluation had an 18 percent higher risk of all mental disorders than the women who did have at least one baby," Baldur-Felskov said. "These higher risks were evident in alcohol and substance abuse, schizophrenia and eating disorders...."

Cheery, huh? Surviving other devastating diseases often makes people feel empowered and gives them a renewed lease on life. Commonly, seeing their children grow up and meeting their grandchildren are goals and milestones for them. For IFers, whose pain seems to not find relief, whose quality of life seems to only decrease, what is our goal? Avoid schizophrenia??

Now, mind you, I do not fear schizophrenia or alcoholism. No, these won't be in my future - of this I am confident. My confidence rests on the love and grace of God, the Father, the love, support, and happiness from the most wonderful man in the world, my Ar, and in knowing that I have friends and family who care. I will be okay, broken but not destroyed.

I hold these two truths to be self-evident: I feel destroyed, I am not destroyed.

In more concrete news, I POAS in one week from tomorrow. Also, Ar should be home any minute now, I can't wait!! Having him home will be much better than playing his Billy Big Mouth Bass, which I do because it makes me feel like he's home... Plus, Billy does offer good advice, "Don't worry, be happy - don't worry, be happy!"

Easier said than done, Billy - easier said than done!

Lost

I'm not even a week into the 2ww, but I'm filled with... just sadness, I guess. Just sort of this zombie-like sadness. I'm not feeling very positive about this cycle. I've been eating ice cream - I mean, not an inappropriate amount - but I've mentioned several times this blog that that is one of my superstitions, based on my former acupuncture doctor's admonitions. This time... I know it really doesn't matter. Plus, it's a thousand degrees out and ice cream is about all I want.

It's terrible, but I feel already resigned to another BFN. I shouldn't feel this way, but I do.

My test day is July 12. Before that, in one week from today, I turn 41. Is it too early for a mid-life crisis? How 'bout a mid-life cocktail?

I've been dreaming lately - literally dreaming, that is - of running. Maybe after the 12th, I need to start taking that up. Only if it cools down first though. Maybe I'll get so many endorphins pumping through my body that I won't remember how sad I am. How empty this all feels.

There are always miracles. I believe in miracles! Believing in miracles doesn't mean I get one, or not about this. I don't know why.

People say to "think positive." Positive or not, the outcome is always the same.

If this doesn't work, I so wish I could just quit my job and run off with Ar and work his business together. I'd always want what I can't have, but at least I'd be with him - and he makes me so happy!! Contrary to how sad I am, he makes me so very happy. I am so happy, and so sad.

When he's gone on his business trips, I'm even sadder. He has to leave again in the morning - through Wednesday night. I'll be off Wednesday for the 4th of July, and I've got nothin! No parties, no beach, no barbeques to go to... nothing fun. I'll be sitting alone in our cozy air-conditioned apartment - feeling fat and ugly and oh so defective - missing him, and missing our kids, who we don't get to have, and trying to not sound so sad when he calls me. It's hard on him when I sound so sad. Oh how I love that guy!! I'm so incredibly blessed to be with him!! Ahh, but when that guy has to be gone, no matter how long I've lived in this state, it still feels like I'm a stranger in a strange land. It's a comfortable strange land, and I like it, but it's a lonely one!!

How pathetic am I? I'm an independent woman, right?? I used to be, anyhow. So how can I feel so lost without my husband. How can I feel so empty without children? I really have just two good friends here, and I can't make them hang out with me all the time! My family and close friends are otherwise six hours away. Not that living back there would change the sadness, but I'd at least be busier. Maybe I could get back involved in my camp as a volunteer. Maybe I could be part of something that matters, outside of myself. I just feel so lost. I wish Ar wasn't leaving tomorrow. It's only one night away, but I just dread it. I'm pathetic! I'm so pathetic!!!! I hate the way I must sound!! Oh Lord, help me please - I'm so lost.