Another day, another IUI

This morning, CD 19, we went in for IUI. Ar had 13 million beautiful, high-quality swimmers and I had two lovely follies - one on each side. We've never before had a folly on each side, and Ar's swimmers were the best quality they've been - in addition to being a respectable count.

Once the IUI was complete, Ar came in the room to wait the 15 minutes with me. He gave his little swimmers a bit of a pep talk!! A pep talk Ar style, that is... which included some tough love. That guy cracks me up!!!

After that, we got some lunch - I was dying for some pancakes - and then we took a nice nap together, and had a lovely walk this evening. So, it's been a pleasant day together. I'm glad I had the day off.

And now.... we wait. Wait and pray. And hope.

Thank you so much, for those of you praying and hoping with us -- it means so much!!

Love, HJ

My folly of follies

Yesterday morning, CD 17, we went in for my u/s. We were supposed to leave for a three day get-away to lovely eastern Wisconsin right after, but we knew, because of how late my cycle has been, that there was a good chance we'd have to cancel. Well, we had to cancel. This was the third major event we had to cancel this month. You'd think we'd learn to not make plans, right? Well, in fairness, who'd have thunk I wouldn't be able to leave town on CD 17? Normally I'd be into the 2ww by then. So.... we canceled. More importantly, we adjusted. We didn't let it ruin our long (Memorial Day) weekend. It's been a lovely weekend together - anyhow!!

The reason we had to cancel was because my follies were looking good: Lefty was 15 and Righty was 16. So Nurse Melissa told me to start using OPKs (ovulation predictor kit). Many hours later, after doing what ended up being our Plan B for the day, as Ar and I were walking into a restaurant I told him I had to use the bathroom and that I might be awhile because I had to pee on a stick. (Doesn't everyone say that to their hubby as they walk into a restaurant?) The stick this time being an OPK, of course.

After my bathroom visit, as I walked back to the booth I smiled at Ar. Smiling at Ar isn't unusual - he's my loving hubby, after all! But he did a double take - and then he had a huge smile on his gorgeous face. He said, "you're glowing!!" I said, in my usual eloquence, "Huh?" He, "You're GLOWING!" Me, "Oh, really? Must be the sun - looks like I did get some color out there." He, "SO?? Are you pregnant?" Me, "HUH?? Ohhhh.... no, hon, this wasn't a pregnancy test - this was to check for ovulation!" He... crestfallen! Ugh - I felt so bad. I guess I've never really mentioned OPKs to him before. Generally the clinic just happens to catch my LH surge (which predicts ovulation) in the lab work. I didn't realize he thought it was a pregnancy test. Poor sweetie!!!

Now on to the really crazy portion of this post... I realized at some point during the day yesterday, that I think of my follies as babies. Yes, I'm just that crazy and delusional. I know they're not babies. They're follicles, the structures which contain the immature egg(s). They house and protect them until those eggs are ready to go out into the world on their own - and hopefully find themselves a man!!!! Did I not tell you I was sick and delusional? It's not my fault if you didn't believe me... No, they're not babies. They're vital to the making of a baby, but they aren't babies. I just think of them that way. I don't mean to, but, ya know... they're all I've ever had. They're the closest I've ever been.

So when my follies start to grow, I see them up there on the u/s screen, we track them, I inject myself daily to help them grow and thrive, and I try to protect and nurture them by being more mindful in what I eat and drink, by walking, by - just trying to do things right. Do any of these things really matter? Probably not, but then, neither does using a saliva soaked thumb to wipe a speck of dirt off a kid's face... moms do that anyhow. I'm not saying it's the same, but I think the heart of it is similar. I'm trying to nurture my follies, because they are precious to me. They contain life - or the potential for life at least. Crazy and delusional? Yep. But I think it explains why BFNs are so completely devastating for me, why it feels like a loss of something real. Not a baby, but real.

Loss.

Ahh, but right now, I'm looking at life. To me, it is life happening in there. I pray it takes hold.

Well, today - back to the clinic for another u/s. Righty and Lefty were both 17 mm! This is good! They want the follies to be between 18 and 21 for insemination. So here were Nurse Melissa's instructions: do an OPK today, but it will probably be negative. Assuming it is negative, take another 112.5 dose of the Bravelle tonight, then tomorrow do another OPK - and no matter the result, take your hCG shot at 8pm. If the OPK is negative, call and schedule IUI for Thursday. If it's positive, schedule IUI for Wednesday. However, in the off chance the OPK is positive today, then you'll have to do the IUI tomorrow (Tuesday). If that happens, do NOT take the Bravelle tonight, take the hCG tonight at 8pm instead.

The long and short is this: today's OPK produced a smiley face (positive), so IUI is tomorrow.

I took the hCG shot at 8pm tonight. Lately, it's gotten more difficult to give myself shots - it's like my tummy skin has gotten tougher. Perhaps this is what it is to develop a thick-skin, as they say, eh? I wouldn't know. I've never had very thick skin. Except now, on my tummy.

As I injected myself, I said to Ar, "I am so happy this is our last shot for a while! Maybe ever.... maybe this time it will work."

And right there, out of the blue, I voiced what I've been feeling these last few days or so.... the gentlest and strongest of four-letter words, the funny little guy with feathers... Hope.

"Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune—without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I’ve heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me."

(Emily Dickinson)

After all, every day that the Lord has made, holds the possibility of a miracle.

It's raining men! Hallelujah!!

Ok, it's not really raining men - it's just raining one really awesome man, and that's good enough for me!!!

But that song has been stuck in my head since Tuesday night, when one of the former contestants on the dancing stars show danced to it. My singing head was further encouraged by the fact that it's been raining buckets here today. Well, it's ok, because it's hard to be unhappy when your head is belting out, "It's raining men - Hallelujah!! It's raining men -- a-men!!!"

(By the way, and for posterity's sake, DD won the dancing show!!! Whoohooo!!!)

Anyhow, the rain reference did have some relation to IF -- ehem, is there anything that doesn't somehow relate back to IF???? Hmmm...

So, where was I? Yes, the rain. It was raining a lot this morning, like seriously raining cats, dogs, men, and buckets!!!! It was the kind of rain that makes the general driving public's IQ decrease by about 50%. I was nervous enough about my u/s appointment because of my lack of follicles on Monday. I was worried I'd find there was still nothing going on in there and that we'd lose this cycle. So my wonderful hubby drove me into my 8:20 am u/s appointment. Seriously, I'm pretty sure the general driving public's IQ actually decreased by about 70%.... ugh!! I'm so grateful for how good Ar is to me, in big and small ways.

Well, thankfully there were no fire alarms at today's u/s. However, I once again had Nurse Kristy, who once again couldn't find my ovaries. So.... Nurse Patty to the rescue!!! Anyhow, it was good news - I have follies on both sides for the first time, three so far: 11.5 mm on the right, and 10.5 mm and 9.5 mm on the left. Always before they've just been on one side.

Obviously, this was very encouraging!! Hopefully having two, or maybe three - if little 9.5 keeps growing - will do the trick!!

So, I am to stay on the 1.5 dose of Bravelle, which is a vial and a half - or 112.5 iu, tonight, Friday, and Saturday night. I go in for another u/s on Sunday, which is CD 17. I really can't understand why this is all so delayed this time, but if there are more and they are growing, I guess it doesn't matter, right?

Sweet Ar said, "Maybe they're better quality this time. You had them earlier before, but it didn't work so maybe being later is a good sign." I like that! I hope he's right!!

The bummer is that it's looking like the cycle delay is going to impact the get-away we planned for this long weekend. When we canceled our vacation the other week, we planned this weekend get-away figuring that by CD 17, when we're supposed to head out, we'd be all clear of IUI and into the 2ww. Not so, this time. So we'll see how it works out. We figure we'll just keep on canceling whatever we have to these days, in an effort to achieve this dream. If it works we won't regret canceling, if it doesn't - at least we'll know we gave it our all. I've gotten a bit better at accepting the uncontrollable, the shifting and the adjustments. It's tough, but our eye is on the prize.

I guess that's what makes putting up with all these extra doses of Bravelle tolerable. It sure seems to be making me sleepy, bloaty, and twingy though, that's for sure!! Yes, yes, bloaty and twingy - two of the lesser known of the dwarf family....

Anyhow, I'm grateful for the growing follies. I wouldn't say it's exactly raining hope for this cycle, but there are definitely some showers of hope falling on my head. I'm grateful for that, and I'm especially grateful that, come what may, my true Hope is not as capricious as those occasional showers are.

Uh-oh, a case of the Mondays!

Today was CD 11 and boy was it a crazy one!! Must have had a case of the Mondays, for sure!!

My u/s was scheduled for 8:20 am. Normally that gives me plenty of time to get to work before 9. However..... this was no ordinary CD 11 u/s!!!

For starters, I had nurse Kristy for my u/s today, who I think is the friendliest and most personable of all the nurses. I like her. Except... she was having trouble finding anything in there, like, you know - my ovaries. In case some of you have forgotten your biology classes, ovaries are actually a pretty important part of the whole reproductive process. There, now don't you already feel smarter from reading my blog??? Time well spent, right? Right!

So, yeah - no ovaries were in sight. Yikes!! But then again, for some reason Kristy always has trouble with my u/s (the others do not.) So she went to get nurse Patty to help her. While I was laying there (naked from the waist down, of course) on the u/s table waiting for Patty, the fire alarm went off!!! Kristy came running back in to tell me to get dressed and go down the five flights and outside. I scurried to get dressed and ran down the five flights - all while hoping that, in my hurry to get dressed, I had actually gotten my undies and my pants put on in the right order... (I had!) So, then we were all waiting outside - and it was a mighty beautiful morning!! Good thing too, because we had a bit of a wait. So, I waited and Facebooked my IF group friends. Ahh, so nice to share the fun!

Eventually, the firemen cleared us to go back in. So I went up and got half naked again, then Patty did my ultrasound again. As expected, she had no problem finding my ovaries, but unfortunately, there are no follicles to mention. Not good!

So, Kristy came back in and told me they'll test my estradiol to see what's happening and that she'll call me in the afternoon with the plan. She also had me make a u/s appointment for Thursday morning. Thankfully, she also gave me a free parking pass, which I really appreciated because I ended up there much longer than I should have.

So I sat in the waiting room for the lab to call me, but everyone was behind because of the fire drill. I emailed my employees to let them know I'll be to work as soon as I can. Ahh, however did we manage before smart phones??

Finally, the lab lady came out for me. Unfortunately, and this is not unusual for me, she couldn't find any veins. Yes, apparently I have no ovaries AND no veins - gee, it's a wonder I'm only infertile and not dead. So she sticks me a few times before eventually turning to my hand. I really hate hand draws, by the way.

Meanwhile she was small talking and asked me where I work. When I answered her, the other lab girl nearly dropped all her supplies as she spun around and exclaimed, "Really?? You work at the ______!?" I said, "uhh, yeah!" and then she went on to tell me how she really wants to work there but that she hasn't been able to get in etc etc. At this point, I really just wanted to actually get going to said work place, but I tried to give her some tips about getting in there. However, it did occur to me that she maybe shouldn't be networking with patients in front of her coworkers... Oh well. Just kinda strange.

Next, on to the pharmacy to pick up more Bravelle! I hadn't thought I'd need more - I thought I'd probably have the IUI on Tuesday or Wednesday (days 12 or 13). Anyhow, the pharmacy was packed and they were also behind because of the fire alarm. More waiting. I confess that I felt a bit miffed at the girl in front of me, who was refilling her birth control. I mean, how dare she need birth control when I need a birth catalyst... Ahh, but such is life, right? Besides, she was easier to focus on than the 7 month pregnant looking ladies!

Well, eventually I did get to work. It was 10:30 - only an hour and a half late. It was indeed a very loooong morning. Then work was crazy, but I'll only bore you with the more IF related details here. Lucky you, eh?

So, work work work, and then in the afternoon I got the call from nurse Kristy - she left a message. The message made NO sense to me whatsoever! I listened to it three times, but I couldn't do the math.

See, this cycle, I started off with double doses of Bravelle for 4 nights. The last couple days we dropped to single doses. Kristy's message said to start doing 1.5 doses, specifying to use 1 cc (instead of 1/2 cc) of the diluent with 2 vials of Bravelle, but to only inject half - and save the second half for the next night. See, that math just doesn't work. Two vials divided by two nights is just a single dose each night, not the 1.5 dose Kristy mentioned, right? Plus, it would be more diluted with 1 cc of diluent. Ugh!! I was sure I was just misunderstanding, so I felt like a fool, but I had to call her back to clarify. As soon as we started talking, she knew she told me the wrong dose - she apologized like crazy and was so embarrassed. Hey, I was just glad my simple math skills are still as sharp as a marble!!

So, now I am doing 1.5 doses tonight, Tuesday, and Wednesday and u/s on Thursday.

If you got through all that and are still reading, please leave me a comment because I should probably send you a cookie for getting through it!!

Anyhow, it's starting to look like IUI might not be till maybe Saturday... which isn't good because Ar and I are to work a show (for his business) on Saturday morning - one that we always do together, and one that we enjoy. Saturday is CD 16 so I really thought we'd be safe.

Well, sweet and wonderful Ar, as always, just says "this is more important, we'll work it out." He's the best!!

We're also supposed to go out of town on Sunday, so we'll see about that too. I'd really, really like it if we could IUI on Friday!! But I'm also worried that IUI might not be at all, at the rate I'm going - or not going!

I can't figure out why my follies aren't growing - especially after all the double doses. Normally I start slowly, so I didn't worry too much on CD 8 when there was nothing - but normally by now we have some follies to measure. I really expected more this cycle and am baffled (and worried!)

Am I doing something wrong? Did we screw up the shots? Did they accidentally give us placebo? Did I not eat enough shrimp? Too much milk? Too little? Am I not walking enough? Too much? Am I stressed? Did the sands in my hour glass run out?? Did I turn left when I should have turned right? Who knows - ugh!!! (Yes, I know it's probably none of the above, but it's hard to not wonder.)

Ar thinks it's because maybe I'm already pregnant. He's so dear and sweet. Unfortunately, he's not correct about that one, but I love that he's always so hopeful!

So, that was my crazy, hectic cycle day 11. Then I finally came home! Yay! Ar made fish and spaghetti - yum!! We watched some tube (a certain favorite football player of mine, performing on a certain dancing show finals!!! Whooo - DD!!!), then we took an evening walk, as is becoming our habit. So it's been a nice evening anyhow. I am thankful for that. And I'm thankful that I could actually laugh about all the ridiculous craziness today. Two years ago I'd have been freaking out completely. I am worried - but just a bit.

And so we'll hope for a better tomorrow!

Grow follies, grow!!

The Sting of Pearls

Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, in a far away land, a dear friend gave me a devotional by Charles Swindoll called, "Growing Strong in the Seasons of Life." I soaked in this book, loving the wisdom and truth that it contained. I always remember it fondly - so much of it has stayed with me through these many years. But just today I remembered one I'd forgotten.... Ar was watching a travel show and they mentioned oysters and pearls - and just like that - one of the devotionals from that book came flooding right back to me:

The Sting of Pearls⁽¹⁾

"....When it comes to irritations, I’ve found that it helps if I remember that I am not in charge of my day . . . God is. And while I’m sure He wants me to use my time wisely, He is more concerned with the development of my character and the cultivation of the qualities that make me Christlike within. One of His preferred methods of training is through adjustments to irritations.

A perfect illustration? The oyster and its pearl. An irritation occurs when the shell of the oyster is invaded by an alien substance—like a grain of sand. When that happens, all the resources within the tiny, sensitive oyster rush to the irritated spot and begin to release healing fluids that otherwise would have remained dormant. By and by the irritant is covered—by a pearl. Had there been no irritating interruption, there could have been no pearl.

No wonder our heavenly home has pearly gates to welcome the wounded and bruised who have responded correctly to the sting of irritations.

J. B. Phillips must have realized this as he paraphrased James 1:2-4: 'When all kinds of trials and temptations crowd into your lives, my brothers, don’t resent them as intruders, but welcome them as friends! Realise that they come to test your faith and to produce in you the quality of endurance. But let the process go on until that endurance is fully developed, and you will find you have become men [and women] of mature character.' "

Wounded and bruised - yes, indeedy.

Gee, I wonder at what point that oyster figured out that something beautiful was actually going on in there....

1) Excerpted from "Growing Strong in the Seasons of Life," by Charles R. Swindoll, Multnomah Press, 1983

The hardest day of the year

Mother's Day. This is probably the hardest day of the year for a woman with IF. Mercifully, for some reason, it didn't bother me as much this year, as in past years... I did consciously try to ignore it this year, which helped. Last year I missed the actual day because we were on a plane headed for Honduras, but I still felt the full weight of the despair leading up to it.

This year was better though. Most of the tv we watch is on DVR these days, so we pass through the commercials anyhow. Mother's Day commercials are such a danger zone! Of course I bought my own mom a card, but being pressed for time, I couldn't labor too long over the cards, like I normally do. Card shopping for Mother's Day, showers, and baby births is super tough.

When I was down in Milwaukee a couple weeks ago, mom and I spent time lunching and shopping together, which was kind of like an early Mother's Day from me. I treated her to a new outfit for a special event she has this week. Of course I called her today, too! But all this just to say that, while I didn't ignore my own mom, I think I sort of skirted around all the hype over the holiday, this year.

Also, I gave myself permission to skip church. Church is always super tough on Mom's Day. Every single church I've ever been part of has all the moms stand up and the pastor bestows honor upon them, usually along with flowers or something. They deserve it - no doubt about that!!!

Though I know they deserve it, just imagine being IF when that's going on... You're sitting in your pew, barren - full of grief... wanting nothing more than to be a mom too. Maybe you've even just experienced a BFN, or a miscarriage, or some other terrible news. Seriously, I just can't emphasize enough how difficult that time is. I've literally sat there silently weeping, just being so thankful for long enough hair to cover my face as I try to keep my body from shaking too noticeably..... and just longing for escape.

I don't want to be a downer for anyone though... I don't begrudge any of it! Moms deserve a day!! They deserve so much more than a day!!! My mom friends are amazing, wonderful, and lovely women, and I so hope that they had a special and happy day today!!

But for an IFer, oooohhh - it's tough. It's so much hype, it's so much in your face... Plus, it's the main landmark that I, and many others, have for my infertility.

See, every Mother's Day I'm absolutely sure that by next Mother's Day, I'll be there too... I'll be a mom. Every Mother's Day I've been so certain that this - this Mother's Day - will be my last Mother's Day of barrenness. But here I am, another Mother's Day - another year not a mother... another year of infertility and grief.

This year... Well, I do hope it'll be my last, but I doubt it will be. So, having coped a bit better with it this year was a relief to me.

This year was different in another way too. I got my first ever Mother's Day card!!! The other day, one of my dear, sweet, long-time friends from camp sent me a card. The inside reads,

"Mother's Day is for every woman who shares her heart generously, who loves with that "mom" kind of love... who cares in the wonderful ways you do..."

As soon as I read the first clause, I'd already started sobbing!!! Ar was wondering (once again, poor guy!) what the heck was going on with me, but I had to keep reading first..... and I just started crying more and more. It was one of the very kindest things anyone has ever done for me. All I could do was hand it to him and let him read it himself. I couldn't even speak, I was so overcome. (And I'm not easily rendered speechless!)

My friend wrote in the card that when she read the following in this post that I wrote about another friend, "some people are just obviously moms, whether they have kids or not," that she knew she had to get me a Mother's Day card, because she believes that is also so true of me. Her words and encouragement to me were kind and generous - and I will never forget this!! It was my first ever Mother's Day card. I hope it won't be my last, but even if I receive a hundred more, this one will be no less special than it is today.

I'm so thankful for amazing friends!!! And of course, my Ar! Ar was also very thoughtful and amazing... as always. He brought me some beautiful roses and wrote out a very sweet and loving card for me! I am blessed, even on another barren Mother's Day.

In other news items of note this Mother's Day, today is CD3, which means I need to shoot up with my double dose of Bravelle in just a few minutes or so.

I also started looking a bit at adoption websites. I do this every now and again, but it's always so discouraging. The age limits, the up-front costs... the length of time. It's totally overwhelming and I honestly don't think it's feasible. I don't know what to do about all that. I honestly don't know that I'm "there," yet anyhow - but I really don't even want to really go there in my mind because it just seems that it'll be a dead end for us. Unless something just becomes so obvious that it's meant to be, I just don't think this is feasible - and I do mean that literally. Upper age limits and up-front costs appear to be prohibitive for us.

Well, on that note - time to go shoot up... and hope.

The unknown

This last week or so has been a little strange. I've done a lot of fun things... I took a fabulous twelve hour (round trip) train ride full of reading and calm, I had a lot of laughs in between those train rides, Ar and I learned to play bocce ball - and joined a league, I've had some very sweet interactions with friends, read a lot, and taken several nice walks and talks with Ar.

I've also been a little bit melancholy, a lotta bit contemplative, and a few parts brave.

Ya see, I've been facing some possibilities that none of us want to consider. It's just been my time to face these. Sometimes exploring what we consider the worst possible outcome is viewed as negative thinking, but I don't see it that way. To me, it's just reality. Remember, I've almost achieved my Ph.D. as an "optimist with experience!" Exploring the possibility of the worst, to me, is bravery. I don't want to shy away from it, or gloss it over - and I don't want to put all my eggs in one basket. (No IF pun intended!) I want to Get busy living.... because I'm not interested in getting busy dying yet.

Thing is, no matter how much I wish otherwise, wanting something badly enough will not make it so. Neither will hoping and believing with all my heart. These are unpleasant truths, but it seems that they are also freeing.

On a somewhat related side note, I'd like to point out that this post is my 100th blog post!!!! Whooohoo, cue the confetti!!! The only reason I bring this up is because, and this was certainly not planned, it means that my very first blog post (The letter ef and why I'm here), and this, my 100th blog post, both include quotes from Meg Ryan movies!!! What are the odds?? Well, that's just a small bit of trivia for you, as I'm sure it'll come in handy some day after my little blog goes viral.

Now, back to the point of this post... There's a line from "You've Got Mail" that really resonates with me. Actually, it ranks up there with some of my favorite movie lines of all time. In case you haven't seen the movie, Meg Ryan's character, Kathleen, owns a small, independent children's book shop. She inherited the store from her late mother, so the store is full of cherished memories. Really, it seems that Kathleen's entire identity lies within the walls of that quaint book shop. When a big-box chain book store opens up around the corner from her shop, it quickly becomes a threat to her little store. Kathleen fights to stay in business with all she's got - even borrowing advice from the mystery man in her life to, "take it to the mattress," ala "The Godfather." Despite her best efforts, she eventually reaches the incredibly difficult decision to close the store. She sadly tells Birdie, her quirky and wise friend/colleague (played by Edith Bunker/Jean Stapleton) about her decision. Birdie, who was also her mother's long-time friend, and who understands the importance of the shop, says this:

"Closing the store is the brave thing to do. You are daring to imagine that you could have a different life. Oh, I know it doesn't feel like that. You feel like a big fat failure now. But you're not. You are marching into the unknown armed with... nothing. Have a sandwich."

I have loved that line since the first time I heard it in the theater, in 1998. I love it all the more now! See, bravery is not a lack of fear. Bravery goes forward regardless of the fear, regardless of feelings of sadness and failure.

The difference between Kathleen Kelly and me, aside from the fact that I'm not nearly as cute and adorable as Meg Ryan, is that I'm not marching into the unknown armed with... nothing.

I may not look like I have much, and a lot of times I don't feel like I have much. I certainly don't have much by worldly standards, but I have inexplicably been given the unwavering love of this amazing guy, my dear husband. I have family and loyal friends, who love me so much. And... I have my Holy Father, God - the author of time and peace. The alpha and the omega.

"What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare His own Son, but gave Him up for us all—how will He not also, along with Him, graciously give us all things?" (Romans 8:31-32)

So then, why should I even be afraid to face the unknown future? Well, I suppose the answer to that is because I'm human... frail - fearfully and wonderfully made... "forged in the fires of human passion, choking on the fumes of selfish rage. With these our hells and our heavens, so few inches apart, we must be awfully small - and not as strong as we think we are.... " (Rich Mullins) Hmm, I guess that's another throwback to a past blog post, "Are we as strong as we think we are?"

The answer is no - I'm not as strong as I thought I was. I'm afraid and a little melancholy, but I do think I need to continue exploring the very likely possibility that the outcome of this IF journey will not be what I hope for.

I still hope. I still trust. I still believe. I am still God's child. His grace is sufficient for me.

That doesn't mean I won't keep pleading.

It doesn't mean the words, "but it's not fair!!!!!" won't keep coming to mind or mouth.

It doesn't mean the weeping will cease.

It means simply that His grace IS sufficient for me.

Even when I don't feel as if it's sufficient.

Even when I feel that it's not fair.

His grace covers all that too, because - it is sufficient for me.

So where does this all leave me. Well, I'm grateful that I've been given the opportunity to explore a little deeper the likelihood that I won't ever be a mom. That may sound hinky, but it's allowed me to dare to imagine that I could have a different life. I'm beginning to consider what other ways my life could be. I'm starting to bravely look into that abyss, which no one but God yet knows, and believe that even the worst could still result in a good life.

Right now, the thought of the worst still terrifies me because I want the life I want!!! I just do. And if I can't get it, then I at least want to stop wanting it. Is that asking so much, hmmmmm? Yes, these are the things I want - I won't pretend otherwise.

However, the more I'm facing the possibility of the worst, I strangely feel that I'm growing in confidence that I will be ok either way... trusting that my Father's grace is sufficient for me.

In more concrete news, today is CD24. AF should be here within the next week, at which time I will go in for an ultrasound, start up double doses of the Bravelle shots, do the IUI, face the dreaded 2ww, and hope like crazy!!! I will hope and hope. I will have crazy IF superstitions and worry every time I even think about ice cream or caffeine. But I will hope, and I will pray... for a miracle. And I will believe that it's possible because every day holds the possibility of a miracle, after all, because this is the day that the Lord has made.

Besides, who knows, maybe the unknown holds exactly what I hope and pray for.... or even immeasurably more than all I've asked or imagined....

Love, HJ

Paste it, daddy

It is so difficult to comprehend that it's very likely I'll never be a mom.

It's almost surreal.

What countless women achieve without effort, often against their wishes even, is the impossible dream for me. The gift that so many squander is simply out of my reach. There's nothing I can do about it. It is beyond my control.

Oh, don't get me wrong, I can - and will - keep trying. As I mentioned in my last post, it's really not in me to give up. Besides, whether I try or not, I'm still always trying.... I don't think anyone is fooled by me pretending I'm not going to try. Trust me, I've tried that!

Well, maybe God will mercifully decide to flip that maternal switch in me to OFF. Maybe this innate desire, which I believe is from Him, will just go away. Maybe then I could stop trying. Stop caring. Stop hurting.

Problem is, I've never known it to work this way. I've never known God to just turn switches to OFF like that.

I want to have a child with my loving husband. Is that like a child asking for a new toy? I guess I don't think so. I mean, isn't the desire to be a mother a deep and abiding God given desire? Obviously it's also required for survival of a species, but isn't it so much more than that?

I think one of the eternal questions of an infertile Christian is:

"Why would God put this incredibly deep - and good - desire in me, if it's not meant to be?"

To many, that would sound like an awfully cruel God.

I don't think that though. He's not cruel. There is no doubt in my heart or mind that God's goodness is true and unchanging. My infertility doesn't change God, even if I don't understand the whys. Even if I don't understand why he won't put His healing touch on my withering womb.

"Jesus...
They say you taught a lame man how to dance
When he had never stood without a crutch
Well, here am I Lord, holding out my withered hands
And I'm just waiting to be touched..."
(Jesus, by Rich Mullins)

Last night it was Sisyphus. Tonight it is It's a Wonderful Life that just popped into my head as I was quoting the lyrics above.

"Paste it, daddy."