The ramblings of a woman gone mad

I'm not sure what my confession, a few posts ago, that I want to do IVF is doing to me.  I mean, I don't see it as an option, so what good is it to even think about it?   I wish I could just....  ARGH!!!!!   I don't know - what?  WHAT??   What do I wish?  I wish I could travel back in time, so I wouldn't be so old - and not gain so much weight!!  It doesn't make sense, but that's where I am.  Feeling older, feeling left behind.  Even the joy of being carded buying wine yesterday has worn off - just a fleeting happiness.  Ok, actually, I'm still feeling a little good about that...  But overall, I just feel so incredibly trapped by my pathetic failure of a body.

In other news, Ar's and my anniversary is next week, Sunday - seven years.  Seven beautiful years!  They've actually rather been much more of a challenge than I'd have ever imagined, but not between us - not our relationship.  I'm crazier than ever about my guy!  The challenging part feels more like between us and the world - but always us; we're still, and always, us.  I love us!  We're taking a little anniversary weekend trip next weekend.  He's taking the whole weekend off, and I have to tell you - that's a big deal!  For a self employed guy, whose primary business happens on the weekends, that's a big deal.  It was all his idea to do it - I'm so blessed!!

Still, I feel like a shell of the woman he married.  He doesn't think so, for which I'm eternally grateful, but I feel like it.  I feel like I'm twice the size and half the woman, brought to you by the letters I and F.

By the way, he also wants us to do IVF.  In fact, the other day he said that, in hindsight, he wishes we'd have gone straight to IVF.  I'm not a big fan of hindsight. 

Anyhow, I'm doing the Weight Watchers plan right now.  I can't remember if I've mentioned that here before, or not.  I've been doing it about six weeks now.  How long might it take for me to lose enough to be able to do IVF?  I don't even know.  Everything feels impossible right now, to be honest.  

To make matters even more exciting, I'm on the verge of AF right now.  I'm feeling incredibly bloated, pimply - and vulnerable. And hungry. 

All of this, even though I actually had a very lovely weekend.  Ar worked yesterday, but he was home every evening and all day today.  It was wonderful!   I absolutely love having him home.  I hear so many people wishing their husbands and kids would go away for the weekend, or forever - it seems... I can't understand that.  Me, all I want is Ar - and little H-Ars.

Sometimes I wish I weren't so grateful for what I have with Ar, as it only makes me want those little H-Ars even more.

Why can't I just accept the inevitable?  I'm in such a weird place of not being able to see beyond the immense barriers, yet also not being able to give up the hope... still believing in my heart of hearts that every day holds the promise of a miracle; yet sensing that miracles - at least this kind of miracle - are meant only for other people.  

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)