By the time I walked out of church, I was singing "Amazing love, how can it be - that you my King should die for me..." (Not the hymn, which I also love, but the more contemporary one.)
Amazing love, indeed!!
It's what happened in between those two songs that I'll write about today.
I got into church a few minutes late, so I just quietly sat in the second or third to last pew, where there was plenty of space and no one in front of me. Ar is working this weekend, as he does most weekends, so it was just me today. I don't actually know a single soul in this church, which is my own fault, as they have plenty of opportunities to be involved. (I do, however, know that the pastor is a Packers fan!!)
Anyhow, as I was enjoying the worship music, "A Mighty Fortress," a family of four came and sat in front of me, rather like a hurricane... The two little blond kids were maybe 3 or 4 (girl) and 5 or 6 (boy), I'd guess. They were a handful from the get-go.
Dad went immediately to singing and trying to focus on church, while mom went about trying to get the kids calmed down and organizing arts and crafts time in the pew. Out came the sticker books and colored pencils and drawing paper... using the pew seat as a work area, so the kids were facing me.
The kids, however, would not settle into anything that quickly or quietly. Dad quickly became quietly annoyed, giving exasperated looks at them and mom, while mom, rather frazzled, gave repeated - and super loud - SHHHHHes. (I always find super loud SHHHing to be kind of hilariously ironic.) Well, you can imagine that it wasn't long at all before I was really wishing I'd have sat elsewhere. I mean that without offense. It's just that, no matter how much one wants to focus on worship, it's a little difficult with all this ruckus right in front of you.
Besides, it's hard, you know. It's not like I have those sort of bittersweet feelings of, "Oh, I remember when my kids were that age..." No, I don't have that. What I've felt a lot of lately is jealousy, pure and simple. So often we IFers hear the old, "Oh, you're so LUCKY!!" in response to saying we don't have kids. So, this begs the question of, even today, even behind these little rambunctious and misbehavin' tikes, do I finally feel lucky? Nope!! I'd rather put up with the frustrations.
Oddly enough, while it did make me think a lot about my situation, compared to their situation, rather than being annoyed by this family, who most people would agree they would rather not sit behind, I was feeling an odd peace, even when things started landing on my feet.
Early on in the service time, the little girl was flailing around quite a bit, when suddenly I felt something hit my foot. I didn't see anything though, so I just ignored it. Then the girl started to scream and point. It seems she somehow flung her little ring off her little finger and it flew all the way behind her pew, hit my foot, and was now under my pew. She's screaming and mom looked desperate, so I picked up the ring, smiled, and gave it to the little girl. Mom thanked me and told the little girl to thank me. Instead, the little girl looked at me more like I somehow had stolen the ring right off her finger.... Oh well.
A little while of kiddie fun, and many very loud SHHHHs, later, little boy managed to dump his entire tin carton of colored pencils right on my feet. What's with these kids and my feet? Apparently that church needs pews with solid backs, rather than the partially open backs of these pews. Well, the boy was looking very concerned about how he's going to get his pencils back. They were literally covering my foot - some were balanced right on top of it. The boy started to burrow under the pew, when dad yanked him back up. Mom and dad both looked mortified, but I just smiled and picked up the pencils. There were at least 30 pencils in this set - and some had rolled way off to the side. I handed the tin with a bunch of the pencils in it to the dad (yes, the tin had gone w/ the pencils) and then set about picking up the stray ones. The little boy, oh so helpfully, would exclaim (demand!), "There! Over there - get that one too!" and so on. His parents tried to quiet him, but he wanted to be sure I didn't miss a single one of his pencils. I had to crouch down to get a few of them. Well, I handed them all back to his satisfaction, while mom apologized profusely. I told her it's no problem and gave her a friendly pat on the back.
Just a short while later, when the pastor started talking about going into a time of prayer and God knowing those things we've been praying so long for... I suddenly found tears streaming down my face. I kept trying to make them stop, but they didn't want to stop. Oh, the things I've been praying and longing for. Does He really know? Have my prayers really made it to Him?
Well after the service was over, as I was turning to leave and as the family was trying to get all their arts and crafts put back together, mom took the time to stop and apologize and thank me so much for my help. I again assured her I understood and it's no problem, and just gave her another friendly little pat. I don't normally pat strangers, mind you, but she seemed like she maybe needed it. Couldn't we all use a friendly pat, sometimes? Besides, wasn't having to hear my enthusiastic, but horribly off-key, singing punishment enough???
Anyhow, I found myself praying for them as I drove away. I had taken it all in, but I wasn't annoyed by them. I hope they can have a peaceful rest of the day. I hope that mom and dad can be on the same page and be supportive and loving to each other, I sensed that there was perhaps a lot of frustration there, instead.
Though poignant to me, this was just a small thing today. It wasn't some major heroic effort. I guess, it's just that... Well, I'm really thankful that God's grace came through me today, despite myself. That it came through despite how incredibly far from perfect a vessel I am, and that it wasn't false. I wasn't just doing what was right on the outside, while grumbling inside. Again, I know this was just a small, everyday occurrence for most people. Sympathizing and helping harried moms is commonplace for many people, after all. Besides, what kind of person wouldn't return a ring and colored pencils? I didn't do anything impressive, and I know that. So why write this long post about it?
It's just that, I've sometimes wondered lately if I've run out of grace... out of love, at least towards the people who have what I so long for. I feel like I have. After all, things feel so unfair. What about me, you know? When one focuses on the unfair, it's particularly easy to be irritated and judgmental, especially about the behavior of "some peoples' kids," you know. It's probably easy for anyone to feel that way sometimes, but, well - I really am quite jealous, more so lately than ever. Since I so painfully don't have kids, it can be quite easy for me to judge. I don't think I'm unkind to anyone outwardly, but... but that's not really grace, is it?
Jealousy and love don't really coexist well, so it doesn't speak well of me that I've been so jealous. After all, what place does jealousy have in a life of love, grace, or peace? Granted, I wouldn't have chosen to sit behind this harried and loud family, but in a strange way it was a blessing. I'm thankful to know that God's grace and peace are indeed still rooted in me, despite these weeds of jealousy I've allowed to flourish. Please Lord, yank out those weeds by the root!
Frankly, I'm not exactly sure what the lesson here is, but somehow this was a poignant morning in church, but not for the normal reasons church can be poignant. Honestly, I couldn't tell you what the sermon was about today, and not for lack of trying. I remember words like "slavery" and "freedom" and "sin," but that's about all I can tell you. Maybe it was about, as my dear old friend Ron would reply to his parents questioning him about what church or Sunday School was about that day, "God, Jesus, love..."
"I’m forgiven because You were forsaken,
I’m accepted, You were condemned.
I am alive and well, Your spirit is within me,
Because You died and rose again."
I love this post so much. I find people don't understand how tough it is to fight jealous when what you are jealous for is such a good thing! These victories are worth celebrating. Such a beautiful and encouraging post! Thank you!
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