Oh, I am tired. Tired of being surrounded by people living out my dream. Tired of their chatter and (clueless) insensitivity. Tired of being hurt and offended. Tired of bravery. Tired of faking it, but never quite making it. Tired of grinning and bearing it. Tired of having to schedule activities that shouldn't be scheduled. Tired of caring so much about something that is almost certain to never be. Tired of holding on. Tired of not being ready to let go. I'm just tired of all of this and so much more.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30)
Keep on keepin' on...
October 31, 2012
October 28, 2012
From Beat It to Amazing Love
This morning, as I walked into church, I couldn't help chuckling as I became very aware that I was singing, "Beat it - just beat... beat it, beat it, beat it...." It just seemed a funny selection as one walks into church.
By the time I walked out of church, I was singing "Amazing love, how can it be - that you my King should die for me..." (Not the hymn, which I also love, but the more contemporary one.)
Amazing love, indeed!!
It's what happened in between those two songs that I'll write about today.
I got into church a few minutes late, so I just quietly sat in the second or third to last pew, where there was plenty of space and no one in front of me. Ar is working this weekend, as he does most weekends, so it was just me today. I don't actually know a single soul in this church, which is my own fault, as they have plenty of opportunities to be involved. (I do, however, know that the pastor is a Packers fan!!)
Anyhow, as I was enjoying the worship music, "A Mighty Fortress," a family of four came and sat in front of me, rather like a hurricane... The two little blond kids were maybe 3 or 4 (girl) and 5 or 6 (boy), I'd guess. They were a handful from the get-go.
Dad went immediately to singing and trying to focus on church, while mom went about trying to get the kids calmed down and organizing arts and crafts time in the pew. Out came the sticker books and colored pencils and drawing paper... using the pew seat as a work area, so the kids were facing me.
The kids, however, would not settle into anything that quickly or quietly. Dad quickly became quietly annoyed, giving exasperated looks at them and mom, while mom, rather frazzled, gave repeated - and super loud - SHHHHHes. (I always find super loud SHHHing to be kind of hilariously ironic.) Well, you can imagine that it wasn't long at all before I was really wishing I'd have sat elsewhere. I mean that without offense. It's just that, no matter how much one wants to focus on worship, it's a little difficult with all this ruckus right in front of you.
Besides, it's hard, you know. It's not like I have those sort of bittersweet feelings of, "Oh, I remember when my kids were that age..." No, I don't have that. What I've felt a lot of lately is jealousy, pure and simple. So often we IFers hear the old, "Oh, you're so LUCKY!!" in response to saying we don't have kids. So, this begs the question of, even today, even behind these little rambunctious and misbehavin' tikes, do I finally feel lucky? Nope!! I'd rather put up with the frustrations.
Oddly enough, while it did make me think a lot about my situation, compared to their situation, rather than being annoyed by this family, who most people would agree they would rather not sit behind, I was feeling an odd peace, even when things started landing on my feet.
Early on in the service time, the little girl was flailing around quite a bit, when suddenly I felt something hit my foot. I didn't see anything though, so I just ignored it. Then the girl started to scream and point. It seems she somehow flung her little ring off her little finger and it flew all the way behind her pew, hit my foot, and was now under my pew. She's screaming and mom looked desperate, so I picked up the ring, smiled, and gave it to the little girl. Mom thanked me and told the little girl to thank me. Instead, the little girl looked at me more like I somehow had stolen the ring right off her finger.... Oh well.
A little while of kiddie fun, and many very loud SHHHHs, later, little boy managed to dump his entire tin carton of colored pencils right on my feet. What's with these kids and my feet? Apparently that church needs pews with solid backs, rather than the partially open backs of these pews. Well, the boy was looking very concerned about how he's going to get his pencils back. They were literally covering my foot - some were balanced right on top of it. The boy started to burrow under the pew, when dad yanked him back up. Mom and dad both looked mortified, but I just smiled and picked up the pencils. There were at least 30 pencils in this set - and some had rolled way off to the side. I handed the tin with a bunch of the pencils in it to the dad (yes, the tin had gone w/ the pencils) and then set about picking up the stray ones. The little boy, oh so helpfully, would exclaim (demand!), "There! Over there - get that one too!" and so on. His parents tried to quiet him, but he wanted to be sure I didn't miss a single one of his pencils. I had to crouch down to get a few of them. Well, I handed them all back to his satisfaction, while mom apologized profusely. I told her it's no problem and gave her a friendly pat on the back.
Just a short while later, when the pastor started talking about going into a time of prayer and God knowing those things we've been praying so long for... I suddenly found tears streaming down my face. I kept trying to make them stop, but they didn't want to stop. Oh, the things I've been praying and longing for. Does He really know? Have my prayers really made it to Him?
Well after the service was over, as I was turning to leave and as the family was trying to get all their arts and crafts put back together, mom took the time to stop and apologize and thank me so much for my help. I again assured her I understood and it's no problem, and just gave her another friendly little pat. I don't normally pat strangers, mind you, but she seemed like she maybe needed it. Couldn't we all use a friendly pat, sometimes? Besides, wasn't having to hear my enthusiastic, but horribly off-key, singing punishment enough???
Anyhow, I found myself praying for them as I drove away. I had taken it all in, but I wasn't annoyed by them. I hope they can have a peaceful rest of the day. I hope that mom and dad can be on the same page and be supportive and loving to each other, I sensed that there was perhaps a lot of frustration there, instead.
Though poignant to me, this was just a small thing today. It wasn't some major heroic effort. I guess, it's just that... Well, I'm really thankful that God's grace came through me today, despite myself. That it came through despite how incredibly far from perfect a vessel I am, and that it wasn't false. I wasn't just doing what was right on the outside, while grumbling inside. Again, I know this was just a small, everyday occurrence for most people. Sympathizing and helping harried moms is commonplace for many people, after all. Besides, what kind of person wouldn't return a ring and colored pencils? I didn't do anything impressive, and I know that. So why write this long post about it?
It's just that, I've sometimes wondered lately if I've run out of grace... out of love, at least towards the people who have what I so long for. I feel like I have. After all, things feel so unfair. What about me, you know? When one focuses on the unfair, it's particularly easy to be irritated and judgmental, especially about the behavior of "some peoples' kids," you know. It's probably easy for anyone to feel that way sometimes, but, well - I really am quite jealous, more so lately than ever. Since I so painfully don't have kids, it can be quite easy for me to judge. I don't think I'm unkind to anyone outwardly, but... but that's not really grace, is it?
Jealousy and love don't really coexist well, so it doesn't speak well of me that I've been so jealous. After all, what place does jealousy have in a life of love, grace, or peace? Granted, I wouldn't have chosen to sit behind this harried and loud family, but in a strange way it was a blessing. I'm thankful to know that God's grace and peace are indeed still rooted in me, despite these weeds of jealousy I've allowed to flourish. Please Lord, yank out those weeds by the root!
Frankly, I'm not exactly sure what the lesson here is, but somehow this was a poignant morning in church, but not for the normal reasons church can be poignant. Honestly, I couldn't tell you what the sermon was about today, and not for lack of trying. I remember words like "slavery" and "freedom" and "sin," but that's about all I can tell you. Maybe it was about, as my dear old friend Ron would reply to his parents questioning him about what church or Sunday School was about that day, "God, Jesus, love..."
I’m accepted, You were condemned.
I am alive and well, Your spirit is within me,
Because You died and rose again."
By the time I walked out of church, I was singing "Amazing love, how can it be - that you my King should die for me..." (Not the hymn, which I also love, but the more contemporary one.)
Amazing love, indeed!!
It's what happened in between those two songs that I'll write about today.
I got into church a few minutes late, so I just quietly sat in the second or third to last pew, where there was plenty of space and no one in front of me. Ar is working this weekend, as he does most weekends, so it was just me today. I don't actually know a single soul in this church, which is my own fault, as they have plenty of opportunities to be involved. (I do, however, know that the pastor is a Packers fan!!)
Anyhow, as I was enjoying the worship music, "A Mighty Fortress," a family of four came and sat in front of me, rather like a hurricane... The two little blond kids were maybe 3 or 4 (girl) and 5 or 6 (boy), I'd guess. They were a handful from the get-go.
Dad went immediately to singing and trying to focus on church, while mom went about trying to get the kids calmed down and organizing arts and crafts time in the pew. Out came the sticker books and colored pencils and drawing paper... using the pew seat as a work area, so the kids were facing me.
The kids, however, would not settle into anything that quickly or quietly. Dad quickly became quietly annoyed, giving exasperated looks at them and mom, while mom, rather frazzled, gave repeated - and super loud - SHHHHHes. (I always find super loud SHHHing to be kind of hilariously ironic.) Well, you can imagine that it wasn't long at all before I was really wishing I'd have sat elsewhere. I mean that without offense. It's just that, no matter how much one wants to focus on worship, it's a little difficult with all this ruckus right in front of you.
Besides, it's hard, you know. It's not like I have those sort of bittersweet feelings of, "Oh, I remember when my kids were that age..." No, I don't have that. What I've felt a lot of lately is jealousy, pure and simple. So often we IFers hear the old, "Oh, you're so LUCKY!!" in response to saying we don't have kids. So, this begs the question of, even today, even behind these little rambunctious and misbehavin' tikes, do I finally feel lucky? Nope!! I'd rather put up with the frustrations.
Oddly enough, while it did make me think a lot about my situation, compared to their situation, rather than being annoyed by this family, who most people would agree they would rather not sit behind, I was feeling an odd peace, even when things started landing on my feet.
Early on in the service time, the little girl was flailing around quite a bit, when suddenly I felt something hit my foot. I didn't see anything though, so I just ignored it. Then the girl started to scream and point. It seems she somehow flung her little ring off her little finger and it flew all the way behind her pew, hit my foot, and was now under my pew. She's screaming and mom looked desperate, so I picked up the ring, smiled, and gave it to the little girl. Mom thanked me and told the little girl to thank me. Instead, the little girl looked at me more like I somehow had stolen the ring right off her finger.... Oh well.
A little while of kiddie fun, and many very loud SHHHHs, later, little boy managed to dump his entire tin carton of colored pencils right on my feet. What's with these kids and my feet? Apparently that church needs pews with solid backs, rather than the partially open backs of these pews. Well, the boy was looking very concerned about how he's going to get his pencils back. They were literally covering my foot - some were balanced right on top of it. The boy started to burrow under the pew, when dad yanked him back up. Mom and dad both looked mortified, but I just smiled and picked up the pencils. There were at least 30 pencils in this set - and some had rolled way off to the side. I handed the tin with a bunch of the pencils in it to the dad (yes, the tin had gone w/ the pencils) and then set about picking up the stray ones. The little boy, oh so helpfully, would exclaim (demand!), "There! Over there - get that one too!" and so on. His parents tried to quiet him, but he wanted to be sure I didn't miss a single one of his pencils. I had to crouch down to get a few of them. Well, I handed them all back to his satisfaction, while mom apologized profusely. I told her it's no problem and gave her a friendly pat on the back.
Just a short while later, when the pastor started talking about going into a time of prayer and God knowing those things we've been praying so long for... I suddenly found tears streaming down my face. I kept trying to make them stop, but they didn't want to stop. Oh, the things I've been praying and longing for. Does He really know? Have my prayers really made it to Him?
Well after the service was over, as I was turning to leave and as the family was trying to get all their arts and crafts put back together, mom took the time to stop and apologize and thank me so much for my help. I again assured her I understood and it's no problem, and just gave her another friendly little pat. I don't normally pat strangers, mind you, but she seemed like she maybe needed it. Couldn't we all use a friendly pat, sometimes? Besides, wasn't having to hear my enthusiastic, but horribly off-key, singing punishment enough???
Anyhow, I found myself praying for them as I drove away. I had taken it all in, but I wasn't annoyed by them. I hope they can have a peaceful rest of the day. I hope that mom and dad can be on the same page and be supportive and loving to each other, I sensed that there was perhaps a lot of frustration there, instead.
Though poignant to me, this was just a small thing today. It wasn't some major heroic effort. I guess, it's just that... Well, I'm really thankful that God's grace came through me today, despite myself. That it came through despite how incredibly far from perfect a vessel I am, and that it wasn't false. I wasn't just doing what was right on the outside, while grumbling inside. Again, I know this was just a small, everyday occurrence for most people. Sympathizing and helping harried moms is commonplace for many people, after all. Besides, what kind of person wouldn't return a ring and colored pencils? I didn't do anything impressive, and I know that. So why write this long post about it?
It's just that, I've sometimes wondered lately if I've run out of grace... out of love, at least towards the people who have what I so long for. I feel like I have. After all, things feel so unfair. What about me, you know? When one focuses on the unfair, it's particularly easy to be irritated and judgmental, especially about the behavior of "some peoples' kids," you know. It's probably easy for anyone to feel that way sometimes, but, well - I really am quite jealous, more so lately than ever. Since I so painfully don't have kids, it can be quite easy for me to judge. I don't think I'm unkind to anyone outwardly, but... but that's not really grace, is it?
Jealousy and love don't really coexist well, so it doesn't speak well of me that I've been so jealous. After all, what place does jealousy have in a life of love, grace, or peace? Granted, I wouldn't have chosen to sit behind this harried and loud family, but in a strange way it was a blessing. I'm thankful to know that God's grace and peace are indeed still rooted in me, despite these weeds of jealousy I've allowed to flourish. Please Lord, yank out those weeds by the root!
Frankly, I'm not exactly sure what the lesson here is, but somehow this was a poignant morning in church, but not for the normal reasons church can be poignant. Honestly, I couldn't tell you what the sermon was about today, and not for lack of trying. I remember words like "slavery" and "freedom" and "sin," but that's about all I can tell you. Maybe it was about, as my dear old friend Ron would reply to his parents questioning him about what church or Sunday School was about that day, "God, Jesus, love..."
"I’m forgiven because You were forsaken,
I’m accepted, You were condemned.
I am alive and well, Your spirit is within me,
Because You died and rose again."
October 24, 2012
Mama never said there'd be days like these
Nothing really, but all day long I was battling a no-kids-for-me funk. At one point I felt like I couldn't breathe. But I have to keep smiling, have to keep being cheery and helpful. Oh - I don't know why it was so hard. Maybe the Clomid is making me moody - it's certainly a side effect. Or maybe it's because one colleague is just back from maternity leave this week, and another is just back from paternity leave - so there's a lot of chitter-chatter about the baby this and the baby that.
Then in our management meeting, the one who is back from maternity leave was being asked about being back - and much motherly commiserating ensued. Who cares that it's totally inappropriate for a work-place meeting - or that it really hurts some of us, right? Anyhow, my favorite line was from a colleague with a one year old, who said, "Coming back to work after maternity leave was the first time work felt like pure FREEDOM to me. It was great!"
So... ahem, guess who, later in the day, announced she's pregnant again - expecting in April?
And you wonder why I get so persnickety.... I mean, sheesh, gripe without discretion about your lack of freedom, and just go ahead and get pregnant again without any problems. Ugh. Some of us would love to have your problems, lady.
Well, it's just hard to not feel these constant stings. I'm so tired of sitting back and watching everyone else living the dream. But hey - I know to make a fillable form!! (That really is cool, by the way!!)
Also, I'm not entirely sure if my new food blog will be a good idea. It may be, but it may be hard too, if I even keep it up. Here's the thing: it may seem insignificant, but I always pictured teaching my kids to bake and cook - teaching them my (and my mom's) recipes... and the food of Ar's background. I'd really - really - enjoy that. I used to get to teach kids some of these things, back when I worked at camp. I loved it. I always thought, one day... one day I'll teach my kids.
So, the food blog may sort of fill that void. Or it may pour lemon juice in my open wound.
As with so many things things, I suppose time will tell. In the meantime, I'm still struggling with figuring out whether or not I'm really real... and if I am, why?
"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." (Ephesians 2:8-10)
October 23, 2012
Bloaty and bloggy
Yikes! Clomid really makes me feel bloated. Well, the injectibles did too, I guess. I always like to think that if I feel bloated from IF drugs, then maybe it's working. I don't think that's necessarily true, but I do like to think it. Along with the Clomid, I'm also taking a tablespoon of Robitussin and 1mg of melatonin. Today is CD 9, so I only have one more dose of the Clomid. Theoretically, I should ovulate sometime between October 29 and November 3. We'll see.
In totally other news, I decided to start a new blog. This one is about cooking and whatever other culinary adventures I might stumble on. I don't know how seriously I'll take it, but I thought it would be fun to try. Some of you have encouraged me to do something like that, so I am giving it a try. Since I keep this blog pretty private (except from the good people of the internets...), I don't have them connected. I'd rather keep this one by invitation only, when it comes to people in "real life," as they say. Anyhow, if you're interested in looking at my single post on that blog, here's the address: http://heathiehove.blogspot.com/ . It may be my one and only post ever, it may be fabulous - only time will tell!!
I'm not sure why I posted this picture, but I just felt like it. I look at those little guys pretty much every time I write on my blog, so I guess it made sense to let them show up in here!! Somehow they represent Ar and me, but I'm honestly not sure which would be which... But we sure are cute, right?
In totally other news, I decided to start a new blog. This one is about cooking and whatever other culinary adventures I might stumble on. I don't know how seriously I'll take it, but I thought it would be fun to try. Some of you have encouraged me to do something like that, so I am giving it a try. Since I keep this blog pretty private (except from the good people of the internets...), I don't have them connected. I'd rather keep this one by invitation only, when it comes to people in "real life," as they say. Anyhow, if you're interested in looking at my single post on that blog, here's the address: http://heathiehove.blogspot.com/ . It may be my one and only post ever, it may be fabulous - only time will tell!!
I'm not sure why I posted this picture, but I just felt like it. I look at those little guys pretty much every time I write on my blog, so I guess it made sense to let them show up in here!! Somehow they represent Ar and me, but I'm honestly not sure which would be which... But we sure are cute, right?
October 21, 2012
News of the real
Yesterday I thought about stealing a very adorable little toddler boy. He looked a little like Han, from my dream, only even younger. It's important to emphasize that I did not, and would not. Ah, but he was a sweetie!! Do (fertile) parents realize how incredibly blessed they are, I wonder. I just hear so much complaining, so it's hard to know - but I really hope they do realize it.
Also yesterday, CD 6, I started taking Clomid - 150mg. It's leftover Clomid, which I'm not taking under doctor's supervision. I'm grateful to have some leftover Clomid, even if the next logical step - for someone who had the wherewithal, which we don't - would be IVF. I figure something is better than nothing, right? Clomid is what I have, so Clomid is what I'll try - again. I've previously done 8 (obviously unsuccessful) rounds of Clomid, so I know how I respond (or don't) to it. The best response I had was at the 150 mg dose, but - lest anyone worry - I'm seriously under virtually no risk of hyper-stimulating.
I'm not sharing this news with my IF groups because... well, I don't know. It kinda feels weird not to, but mostly it seems so silly for me to start taking Clomid at this stage in the game. Such wonderful things are happening for so many of the group; somehow it just seems silly to even bother mentioning this. Admittedly, I've also started to perceive that IVF is the only treatment that seems to really matter in the IF world - that you're not really a veteran IFer until you do that. I don't agree with that, of course, but I'm obviously feeling that vibe enough to not share - except to those trusted few of you who also read my blog, of course. In any case, I'm taking it and am so very glad to have it! My options are so limited, I guess I just want to pursue any options that I do have. Even if I am getting left in the dust, I'll keep crawling along as best I can.
But I do promise to not steal any children - no matter how cute they are, or how adequate of parents I think Ar and I would make. I do so like to keep expectations low, you see, but honestly, I really do think we'd be okay, ya know. I just wish we had the chance to find out for real. Then again, what's real anyhow? Sometimes lately I don't even feel real. Isn't that weird? Am I real?
Well, I'm not sure if I am real or not, but if the scale is to be believed, I'm very much real. Otherwise, I'm the heaviest imaginary person ever!! On the weight loss front, I have lost no weight over the last two weeks. Hey - I'm pretty awesome at segues, aren't I? That was a pretty sweet one!! You might be interested to know that I almost spelled that as segway, which is a whole different thing to be awesome at!! I'm pretty sure I'm better at segues than segways.
Getting back to my weighty point, I also haven't gained any weight over the last two weeks, which is a big victory, actually. It was two crazy weeks, including our anniversary - and so I just did the best I could without worrying too much. I'm incredibly pleased that I didn't gain!! This week, however, will hopefully bring a pound or two loss.
I tried a new Weight Watchers recipe tonight; I must say, it was delicious!! It was Shrimp Creole, which I served with brown rice and John-na Cakes (a very non-Weight Watchery variation on baking powder biscuits). It was yummy, and we both enjoyed it very much - but the Shrimp Creole made Ar sweat... ha ha! Our friends always enjoy hearing that this Wisconsin girl takes the heat so much better than that cute guy from the Caribbean does!! Then again, cute Caribbean boy takes the cold (weather) so much better than the Wisconsin girl. What can I say, I guess we're just a riddle, wrapped up in a mystery, inside an enigma.
Well, I wish I could leave this post on that incredibly exciting high note, but unfortunately I also have sad news to share. Yesterday I attended the funeral of my former boss - and friend. His service was full of much laughter and many tears. Let me tell you, he was one of the really good guys!! He made a big difference in the life of so many. It's impossible to believe he's gone, impossible to see him like that. He was always so full of life... it just doesn't seem right. It was incredibly lovely, however, to talk with his son, who looks and speaks so much like he did; it was uncanny at times. I hadn't seen his kids since they were just young kids; now they're such impressive young adults! They are now the age that my bros and I were when our dad died. It breaks my heart to think of all the life they will experience without this wonderful father. I am glad that they had the chance to say goodbye before he left - it's not that it makes his loss easier, but at least they hopefully won't have regrets about things left unsaid. So... goodbye, farewell, and amen, to a most excellent man.
"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil—this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him." (Ecclesiastes 3:11-14)
October 15, 2012
Life is but a....
A candle is burning next to me as I type tonight. I lit it as part of the "World Wide Wave of Light," which honors pregnancy and infant loss - today is the national day of remembrance. Having never been pregnant, I've not personally lost a pregnancy or child, but many of my dear friends have lost their beautiful little ones. They are each in my heart, today and always. This candle is lit for them.
To be very honest, a little bit this candle is lit for our losses too. I know that, because I was never pregnant, our losses aren't actually considered losses - but the loss of that which I've never had is so incredibly real to us, to me. Our losses never had hearts, names, or faces, but they are real losses. There are no days for this kind of loss, though - this grief of nothingness, so I truly hope no one minds that just a little part of that candle flickers for our losses too.
In other news, yesterday was Ar and my seventh anniversary. We had an AMAZING time away at a resort that's just a few hours away!!! It was purely delightful!!! I felt like we were practically newlyweds again, only seven years more experienced - seven years more sure of each other and in our ability to weather horrific storms together - and seven years even more in love than we were back then. It was wonderful!!!
AF, who has never done me any favors, finally did me one. She waited till today to come - a miracle, to be sure. After all, she was expected early last week. When she didn't come on time, I feared that she would come only in time to negatively impact our weekend. Please note: being the beat down dog that I am, I never once suspected I might be pregnant. Anyhow, I'm so thankful she didn't come till today, because our weekend just wouldn't have been quite the same. It was a lovely and much needed get-away.
I only experienced a few moments of IF melancholy while we were away, as I was determined to set aside our troubles and just be... together. It's impossible to forget, of course. Forgetting IF would be like forgetting to bring my nose with me...
One of the melancholy moments came as we were floating on tubes down the "lazy river" at the resort's water park. It was so relaxing that my mind just quieted... I was actually singing (to myself, luckily for the rest of the resort guests), "...merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream..." Then the thought suddenly struck, "Is it a dream or a nightmare?" Cheery, huh? Sorry, but as surely as my nose really is still on my face, these thoughts do come. As these thoughts of IF danced mockingly in my head, I remembered a quote I heard recently, “Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go.” (Herman Hesse)
Is it time to let go of this hope? It's never time to let go of Hope, of the Hopest of Hopes, but is it time to stop hoping to be a mom? This is where my mind went as I floated merrily down the lazy river. Part of me so wants to give up, because holding on this tightly hurts so very much - yet letting go feels so unacceptable.
A little later, Ar and I talked about this, while relaxing in the jacuzzi. It was a quiet, wet, and short talk, but I'm glad we had it. It's important that I keep sharing my feelings with him, even though I feared I'd ruin our loveliness. Thankfully, he's not like that - loveliness goes on. As for what he thinks: he doesn't think it's time to let go yet, though he knows our chances are incredibly slim. He wants me to take the lead on whether to let go or keep trying.
I may as well add that though my mind is turning to those thoughts of letting go, it also sometimes wonders if it's time to just throw all caution to the wind and find a way to get an IVF - no matter what it takes. (Even though I can't figure out what it would actually take for us to get there... Robbing a bank? Growing, and selling, illegal substances in a balcony greenhouse? Discovering the fountain of youth? Time traveling back to when I was younger and thinner? The possibilities are almost endless... Harrumph!!!)
Well, my candle is still burning bright in love and support of my friends and all their lost little ones - and yes, for our losses too.
"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, Nor will the flame burn you." (Isaiah 43:2)
In other news, yesterday was Ar and my seventh anniversary. We had an AMAZING time away at a resort that's just a few hours away!!! It was purely delightful!!! I felt like we were practically newlyweds again, only seven years more experienced - seven years more sure of each other and in our ability to weather horrific storms together - and seven years even more in love than we were back then. It was wonderful!!!
AF, who has never done me any favors, finally did me one. She waited till today to come - a miracle, to be sure. After all, she was expected early last week. When she didn't come on time, I feared that she would come only in time to negatively impact our weekend. Please note: being the beat down dog that I am, I never once suspected I might be pregnant. Anyhow, I'm so thankful she didn't come till today, because our weekend just wouldn't have been quite the same. It was a lovely and much needed get-away.
I only experienced a few moments of IF melancholy while we were away, as I was determined to set aside our troubles and just be... together. It's impossible to forget, of course. Forgetting IF would be like forgetting to bring my nose with me...
One of the melancholy moments came as we were floating on tubes down the "lazy river" at the resort's water park. It was so relaxing that my mind just quieted... I was actually singing (to myself, luckily for the rest of the resort guests), "...merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream..." Then the thought suddenly struck, "Is it a dream or a nightmare?" Cheery, huh? Sorry, but as surely as my nose really is still on my face, these thoughts do come. As these thoughts of IF danced mockingly in my head, I remembered a quote I heard recently, “Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go.” (Herman Hesse)
Is it time to let go of this hope? It's never time to let go of Hope, of the Hopest of Hopes, but is it time to stop hoping to be a mom? This is where my mind went as I floated merrily down the lazy river. Part of me so wants to give up, because holding on this tightly hurts so very much - yet letting go feels so unacceptable.
A little later, Ar and I talked about this, while relaxing in the jacuzzi. It was a quiet, wet, and short talk, but I'm glad we had it. It's important that I keep sharing my feelings with him, even though I feared I'd ruin our loveliness. Thankfully, he's not like that - loveliness goes on. As for what he thinks: he doesn't think it's time to let go yet, though he knows our chances are incredibly slim. He wants me to take the lead on whether to let go or keep trying.
I may as well add that though my mind is turning to those thoughts of letting go, it also sometimes wonders if it's time to just throw all caution to the wind and find a way to get an IVF - no matter what it takes. (Even though I can't figure out what it would actually take for us to get there... Robbing a bank? Growing, and selling, illegal substances in a balcony greenhouse? Discovering the fountain of youth? Time traveling back to when I was younger and thinner? The possibilities are almost endless... Harrumph!!!)
Well, my candle is still burning bright in love and support of my friends and all their lost little ones - and yes, for our losses too.
"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, Nor will the flame burn you." (Isaiah 43:2)
October 12, 2012
Of dreams and miracles
I meant to write about this sooner, but I haven't had a chance til now. A few nights ago, I dreamed that we were at some sort of concert or play in an auditorium. We were waiting for the show to start, when a little boy came and sat on my lap. His mom was there, but he wanted
to be with me - to sit on MY lap! With me!! I snuggled him in tight and gave him a big kiss on the cheek. He giggled, then turned and asked my name. He told me his
name was Han. We snuggled, and I so wanted to keep him - to have him come stay with Ar and me forever. Then just like that, his mom said it was time to go and he left to sit with his dad.
For Pete's sake, don't I get enough heartbreak in my waking life?
Oh, little Han.
All around me wonderful things are happening for wonderful IF friends - and I'm so incredibly thankful and happy for their wonderful news!! We've had twins born, an adoption almost complete, two BFPs, and one who can finally go forward with an IVF. This is all amazing and wonderful!! All life is miraculous, but these seem especially so. This is what we all desperately want and hope for ourselves - AND - each other, so it's amazing. Yet, I'll admit - it's hard to not feel more and more left behind, like miracles are always for other people. I'm the oldest of our merry little band of IF warrior princesses - and the one who seems to have the least options at her disposal, so yeah, it is hard. Without reservation, I want every single one of them to have the happy ending; I just wish I could too.
Silly as it sounds, I've sometimes imagined that we all have kids and we get together every August on the beach somewhere. All our hard-won children could play together, as we watch over them - sipping some umbrella-ed beverages, laughing and catching up on life. It's a beautiful dream, isn't it?
The image of me in that picture has been fading quickly.
In happier news, Ar and my anniversary is this weekend - seven years!! We're leaving in the morning to spend a couple nights in a resort in Wisconsin. We had planned on hanging out on Lake Superior and taking some boat rides. Our wedding day - and every anniversary - has had picture perfect fall weather. Not this year. That's ok, though - we came up with a wonderful Plan B and I'm very excited for it. Mainly, I'm so touched and excited that Ar took this whole weekend off for our anniversary!! I couldn't ask for anything more for our anniversary than that!!! I wish for what we wish for - with all my heart, a little Han all our own.... Yet with all my heart, I also know that I am so incredibly blessed to have this lovely man, who seems to only love me more and more every year - even though I'm still pretty sure that every year I become less and less the woman he married. Not him, though - every year he becomes twice the man!
For Pete's sake, don't I get enough heartbreak in my waking life?
Oh, little Han.
All around me wonderful things are happening for wonderful IF friends - and I'm so incredibly thankful and happy for their wonderful news!! We've had twins born, an adoption almost complete, two BFPs, and one who can finally go forward with an IVF. This is all amazing and wonderful!! All life is miraculous, but these seem especially so. This is what we all desperately want and hope for ourselves - AND - each other, so it's amazing. Yet, I'll admit - it's hard to not feel more and more left behind, like miracles are always for other people. I'm the oldest of our merry little band of IF warrior princesses - and the one who seems to have the least options at her disposal, so yeah, it is hard. Without reservation, I want every single one of them to have the happy ending; I just wish I could too.
Silly as it sounds, I've sometimes imagined that we all have kids and we get together every August on the beach somewhere. All our hard-won children could play together, as we watch over them - sipping some umbrella-ed beverages, laughing and catching up on life. It's a beautiful dream, isn't it?
The image of me in that picture has been fading quickly.
In happier news, Ar and my anniversary is this weekend - seven years!! We're leaving in the morning to spend a couple nights in a resort in Wisconsin. We had planned on hanging out on Lake Superior and taking some boat rides. Our wedding day - and every anniversary - has had picture perfect fall weather. Not this year. That's ok, though - we came up with a wonderful Plan B and I'm very excited for it. Mainly, I'm so touched and excited that Ar took this whole weekend off for our anniversary!! I couldn't ask for anything more for our anniversary than that!!! I wish for what we wish for - with all my heart, a little Han all our own.... Yet with all my heart, I also know that I am so incredibly blessed to have this lovely man, who seems to only love me more and more every year - even though I'm still pretty sure that every year I become less and less the woman he married. Not him, though - every year he becomes twice the man!
This love, it too is a miracle - one for which I am so grateful. Ar: my dream come true.
"Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest
is my beloved among the young men.
I delight to sit in his shade,
and his fruit is sweet to my taste.
Let him lead me to the banquet hall,
and let his banner over me be love.
is my beloved among the young men.
I delight to sit in his shade,
and his fruit is sweet to my taste.
Let him lead me to the banquet hall,
and let his banner over me be love.
Strengthen me with raisins,
refresh me with apples,
for I am faint with love
refresh me with apples,
for I am faint with love
His left arm is under my head,
and his right arm embraces me.
and his right arm embraces me.
Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you
by the gazelles and by the does of the field:
Do not arouse or awaken love
until it so desires."
by the gazelles and by the does of the field:
Do not arouse or awaken love
until it so desires."
(Song of Songs 2:3-7)
October 7, 2012
The ramblings of a woman gone mad
I'm not sure what my confession, a few posts ago, that I want to do IVF is doing to me. I mean, I don't see it as an option, so what good is it to even think about it? I wish I could just.... ARGH!!!!! I don't know - what? WHAT?? What do I wish? I wish I could travel back in time, so I wouldn't be so old - and not gain so much weight!! It doesn't make sense, but that's where I am. Feeling older, feeling left behind. Even the joy of being carded buying wine yesterday has worn off - just a fleeting happiness. Ok, actually, I'm still feeling a little good about that... But overall, I just feel so incredibly trapped by my pathetic failure of a body.
In other news, Ar's and my anniversary is next week, Sunday - seven years. Seven beautiful years! They've actually rather been much more of a challenge than I'd have ever imagined, but not between us - not our relationship. I'm crazier than ever about my guy! The challenging part feels more like between us and the world - but always us; we're still, and always, us. I love us! We're taking a little anniversary weekend trip next weekend. He's taking the whole weekend off, and I have to tell you - that's a big deal! For a self employed guy, whose primary business happens on the weekends, that's a big deal. It was all his idea to do it - I'm so blessed!!
Still, I feel like a shell of the woman he married. He doesn't think so, for which I'm eternally grateful, but I feel like it. I feel like I'm twice the size and half the woman, brought to you by the letters I and F.
By the way, he also wants us to do IVF. In fact, the other day he said that, in hindsight, he wishes we'd have gone straight to IVF. I'm not a big fan of hindsight.
Anyhow, I'm doing the Weight Watchers plan right now. I can't remember if I've mentioned that here before, or not. I've been doing it about six weeks now. How long might it take for me to lose enough to be able to do IVF? I don't even know. Everything feels impossible right now, to be honest.
To make matters even more exciting, I'm on the verge of AF right now. I'm feeling incredibly bloated, pimply - and vulnerable. And hungry.
All of this, even though I actually had a very lovely weekend. Ar worked yesterday, but he was home every evening and all day today. It was wonderful! I absolutely love having him home. I hear so many people wishing their husbands and kids would go away for the weekend, or forever - it seems... I can't understand that. Me, all I want is Ar - and little H-Ars.
Sometimes I wish I weren't so grateful for what I have with Ar, as it only makes me want those little H-Ars even more.
Why can't I just accept the inevitable? I'm in such a weird place of not being able to see beyond the immense barriers, yet also not being able to give up the hope... still believing in my heart of hearts that every day holds the promise of a miracle; yet sensing that miracles - at least this kind of miracle - are meant only for other people.
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)
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