I, Robot Woman

What to do? What to do?

Childless, resolution, scarred, peace, time, tears, faith, assumptions, denial, passion, nothingness.

I've realized over the last couple days how very much I want people to understand that I am not childless by choice, because it really isn't. It is just - not - my choice.

People make assumptions about these matters, about childless couples. This seems especially true after a certain age. I no longer get asked, "so when are you going to have kids?" Or, "so when are you and Ar going to start a family?" I'm now at a stage where apparently people either assume I have kids, or assume that the reason I don't have them is because I don't want them. The former assumption stings, but the latter really bothers me.

There are things that are my choice, probably less than I want to admit, but this one is definitely not my choice.

Why is it important to me that people know that? It doesn't change the outcome, so why should I care what assumptions people make about me, about us?

Of course one of my favorites is about how all childless couples are rolling in the dough. Yeah. Right. Get me, I'm washing my hair in champagne.... Whoo - look at me go!!!

I was actually told this - again - just last night. This person (she's a wonderful person!) doesn't know that being childless is not my choice, but when she was telling me about a friend of hers, she highlighted that her friend is childless - and thus quite well off financially - as opposed to her and her significant other, who have to spend all their money on their kids. (Oddly, this was in the context of a political discussion.) Anyhow, after she said that, I hesitated for a moment and then asked, "Well, is she childless by choice?" This question stopped her in her tracks for a moment - she'd clearly never considered that - but she basically responded saying that she doesn't know because she never asked, but she assumes it was her choice. I didn't pursue the subject because that would have felt too personal and my fear of being revealed set in.

I want to be known. I'm afraid to be known. I don't want to say words, I just want people to know and understand. Why? I don't know. I guess because otherwise everything hurts me - I'm so easily offended, fertility wise.

I want some sort of medal of honor, you know... I can just wear it, so people understand without me talking about it. Maybe then people will see that we've been fighting this massive battle; fighting with all our might. Maybe then they'll understand. While it's clearly been a losing battle, and while we don't have the resources we need to keep fighting, we are still standing. We are crushed, but not destroyed. We will choose to be happy. Even still, though you can't see the battle scars, they are there and they run so deep. Perhaps a medal of honor would convey all of that, and then I wouldn't walk around feeling bad all the time....

It's not that I want pity. It's not that I want infertility to be my identity, but... AHHHHH!!! I don't know. I don't know, but it's this huge THING!!! Yet people who interact with me every day have no idea that I walk around just heartbroken, even while I'm surviving it. They have no idea why I don't want to look at babies, why I don't want to see them, touch them, or talk about how cute they are. I avoid babies and kids like the plague, in fact. I just don't even respond to the talky talk, so they probably think I'm this cold-hearted robot woman with no maternal feelings. I am so incredibly not a cold-hearted robot woman. I'm not that at all, even if the only dog we can have right now is a robo-doggie, yet it's the only way I can walk around and not freak out all the time. Survival.

Yet my husband knows me - and thank God - inexplicably adores me. There are some wonderful friends, who know. They're not the ones pouring lemon juice in my gaping wounds though. And there is the One who knows me best, and - mercifully - loves me without condition. Will I let this be enough? This, yes this, perhaps is my choice.

O Lord, you have searched me and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord.
(Psalm 139: 1-4)