Dream a little dream of he

Last night I dreamed of my dad.  I dream of him sometimes; it's usually present day and he's still alive.  I can't remember all of my dream, but there had been some sort of gathering in an apartment.  I'm not sure whose apartment it was, but towards the end my dad said it was time for him to go now and that he wanted me to know that he loves me very much.  I felt sad that he was leaving.  When he came over to give me a little hug, I choked out the words that I so wish I would have said the very last time (in real life) that I saw him...  "I love you, dad!" 

I didn't tell him that, on that last day I ever saw him alive.  I was 18 - in my second month in college.  I'd come home for the weekend because of an event at my camp.  It was Sunday afternoon, and my ride was there to pick me up.  I ran out to the driveway, where my dad was in his denim overalls, tinkering around one of the cars.  I so clearly remember looking at him and thinking that I should tell him I love him.  I actually thought that - but my friends were in the truck watching, waiting for me.  Honestly, it's just not something I was accustomed to saying, anyhow...  but I never forgot that I thought it that day.  Instead, I just yelled, "Bye dad!," waved and got in the truck headed back to college.  I never saw him again.  Only a few weeks later, he was gone.  I've wished ever since that I'd have told him.

Was it God whispering in my ear that day in the driveway: whispering for me to tell dad that I love him?

I did, after all.  No matter what craziness I was raised in, I loved my dad.  Still do.  Did he know?  It's always haunted me that I didn't tell him. 

God whispered in my ear, but I listened not. 

At least I told him in my dream.  I remember thinking, in my dream, that I should tell him. I'd heard that same whisper - but in my dream, I listened.

A few minutes after I told him, he said he decided to stay awhile after all.  He suggested we go get some ice cream.  I looked up at him and noticed that he had changed into a tee shirt that I'd apparently bought him.  It was a tee shirt of a Far Side cartoon.  Why that was in the dream, I've no idea - but in the dream I knew it was very special that he was wearing the tee shirt I gave him.  Somehow it made me know he was proud of me. 

Dreams are funny, aren't they? 

I suppose there's not much in the way of hidden meaning in this one.  Of course, I wrote about dad in my last post, which has had him on my mind a lot.  As a result of that post, one of my dear friends was trying to encourage me that he would indeed be very proud of me.  So... it doesn't take a Jungian psychologist to figure out any meanings here.

Unlike my dream from the other night, where I walked into the kitchen and saw that all my hair had been cut off and was laying on the counter with bugs crawling all over it.  I was disgusted and wondered what was wrong with me - I've always thought I had pretty nice hair, so why would there be bugs on it?  Then I realized that Ar had also spilled sugar all over the same counter - after he cut off all my hair and placed it there...  Then I just kind of laughed about it: that crazy Ar!!  I was just happy I didn't really have bugs in my hair.

Okayyyy - paging Dr. Freud!!!

Although I did realize today, as I was reflecting on last night's dad dream, that it makes a lot of sense why I'm so over the top about always telling Ar how much I love him.  It's not the first time I've made that connection, of course, but it felt so poignant today.

I also thought today about how I'll never see my dad in my own child.  I see him in my siblings.  I see him in my niblings. I wish I could see just a little piece of him in my own child - in Ar's and my child.

Oh, I wish, I wish...  how I wish.

  

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.” (C.S. Lewis)