Monday night, after I wrote the previous blog post, I discovered a pimple on my nose. I always get a pimple shortly before AF is due.
The pimple never lies.
The test was negative. A big fat negative.
AF should be here in a few days, since I stopped taking the progesterone suppositories today.
I feel like I've been run over by a mack truck. Again.
I wonder how many times I can get run over by a mack truck before I just can't get up anymore.
It's amazing how a BFN brings you right back to all the thoughts that you know aren't true, all the less noble thoughts - the lies. What did I do to deserve this? Why - why don't I get to be a mom? Why? Why everyone else and not me? What did I do wrong? Or am I just too old and fat? Or just a complete failure? I know these are wrong and lies, right? Someone, please tell me they're lies because right now they don't feel like lies. I am supposed to be able to do this. Everything seemed so perfect this time - Ar's counts, my follies - all good, all really good. So then, why? Why can't I just have a child with my husband?
My heart hurts. My head hurts. My body hurts. I just... hurt.
I am so sorry. They are lies, they are big fat lies! You did nothing to deserve this, you are not a failer, you are wonderful and precious and loved by God and Ar and so many others!
ReplyDeleteI am so very, very sorry. This is a hard, painful place and I don't know what I can say to help. But you are very precious and special and don't you forget it friend! Praying heaps for you.
Thanks, LG!!! Your friendship already helps, as do your prayers and reminders of the truth!!
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