New at 42

 So it seems I'm another year older. I'm thankful for that, though I wouldn't mind if I could age just every three years or so.... Kinda like how a year in dog years is equal to seven people years, only in reverse.  Still, I really am thankful - not for the aging thing (fertility issues aside, as I sit here on ice, I can tell you that my back and I are not thrilled about the aging process part) but life is good, even when it's bad, and I'd much rather be here than not.

My birthday, and the days leading up to it, were wonderful!  I traveled to see family and friends and then Ar and I took a little trip. Everything was lovely! This birthday was much less emotionally difficult on me than the last couple were, so that's good.

My friend K was the only one who would pose with the Fonz and me...  Ayyyy

In the midst of the fun, with lots of time spent on the road and with the word FREEDOM floating in my head from the photo challenge, somehow I came up with the idea that for me to be free, I have to be ready for newness.

I've often written of how stuck I have been and how impossible the thought of getting unstuck is. Somehow, in a road weary state, I decided to challenge myself this birthday to become new again. Not me, so much... I'm not interested in a new me - take me or leave me, love me or hate me, but as for me - massively flawed though I am - I'm generally okay with who me is.  But I'm not okay with me remaining stuck.  Life is both too long and too short to let myself stay stuck. After all, life still wants.

It's good to keep making new friends too...

So I challenged myself to do 42 new things this year - my 42nd year. They don't have to be big or major or profound things - knowing me, most of them will be silly and/or edible...  but it's really just about an attitude of unstuckness. An attitude of actively remembering that, despite the chronic harshness of my inability to bring new life into this world, life is still good and new. I've been waiting for so long for the newness that I want, that I'm missing out on much of the newness that is and that could be.

As the poet once said, "You can't always get what you want. You can't always get what you want. You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes... well you might find you get what you need." (Rolling Stones)

I continue to - and will always - grieve for the newness that can never be mine, but I don't want it to prevent me from seeing that newness that is.

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases.  His mercies never come to an end... they are new every morning, new every morning - great is thy faithfulness, Oh Lord, great is thy faithfulness." (Lamentations 3:22)

So I've accepted my challenge to do 42 new things before my 43 birthday. I believe I will start a new blog, in the spirit of newness, to document this journey of new. I'm still hesitant to share this blog with more people in my life, since it's rather intimate, so a new blog might be an opportunity to be more open. Actually, less open, but to more people...  Anyhow, if I do, I'll post the new link here. Hopefully I'll get that going in the next couple days.

But to follow up from my last post, and because this would count as my first new thing of 42, I will just note quickly that we attended the adoption information meeting this morning. In short, it firmed up in both of our minds that this route is a closed door to us. 

About 80% of this is simple fact of the matter - not emotion. For some reason, I'd blissfully forgotten that Ar's age is a major limiting factor for agency adoption. In fact, it's a closed door to the only kinds of agency adoption that we mutually agree are feasible for us. 

There was a lot of good information, over the three hour presentation. Along with a wealth of facts and experience, the adoption coordinator warned us to not heed the adoption stories we've probably heard from past adoptive parents, because trends have changed so dramatically just over the past few years - and that it's a really different story now.

All of this was strangely comforting: freeing. This is a closed door. That is the reality. Over this journey, there's always the burden of possibility... it's a blessing and a curse. In this case, it's good to know that it's a closed door, to know that we are operating based on fact. I'm glad we went. 

The only possibility for us would be if we hear of someone personally, who is looking for adoptive parents. The chances of this are slim, but Ar has some inquiries to make about that, but I'm not counting on anything. 

I'm sad about it and, well, about everything. But this is how it is. And that is that.

The lumberjack who makes this 42 year old feel like I'm only 22!!