Blindsided

Remember last post I said I was one step forward, two steps back? Scratch that, make it 79 steps back... I am not doing well at all. Anxiety problems now every day this week. I don't understand why. Maybe I do, maybe it really is all just too much lately. But it's felt like too much before in the last couple years, yet I haven't just had random panic attacks and this hard-to-breathe anxiety all day long... not since I started my meds just over two years ago. Why now? Why before our big trip? I feel so incredibly sick right now. Everything hurts. This has just blindsided me.

I have to somehow get myself pulled together before this weekend - we leave on Saturday - but that sounds impossible.

This morning, though I woke up with the horrible anxiety again, I had to get to work extra early to give a presentation. I made it, though I don't know how. But that was only an hour long presentation that I had to suit-up for, and that was hard enough. During work this week, I can barely function - doing only the minimum I need to, which includes sitting at my desk -NOT- crying. I have to, at the very least, be available and cheery and consistent to my staff and "customers." So, no tears and game face on. That is taking all my energy right now. 

Part of what is making me feel worse is a situation at work that is eating me up a bit. It involves one of my staff, and I am so opposed to this, but there is nothing more I can do to stop it from happening. I've spoken up and advocated for her, but ultimately, I don't get the final say. I hate having to take the party line on something I do not agree with. This has been in the works for several weeks, and will continue on for several more. Maybe on top of everything else, this has sent me over the edge. This is the one thing that's different lately. The rest of my stressors have been with me a while.

Ar is worried about me and my worsening panic. He wants so badly to help - to fix it for me - but he can't. I'm so worried about him being worried - I'm so angry with myself. I want to be there for him on our trip - I don't want to add burden to him.

Oh, but the man is wonderful! He doesn't really understand the anxiety. It's not something he's ever struggled with. Plus, he thinks I'm strong. But I say strong, which I'm not really, and anxiety aren't necessarily mutually exclusive.  Anyhow, my point is that, though he doesn't quite understand it, he is so good to me in countless ways. This is just one example. We have a whiteboard on the inside of our front door, where we leave little notes to each other - usually just fun or loving notes or drawings. Or when people come over, we write them a welcome note.

Well, anyhow, normally I'd never post one of our special little private notes, they're often silly - but they are priceless treasures to me. This isn't the first one I've photographed for posterity, but this one especially made my heart melt. This is the one I came home to on Monday night, after another really bad anxiety day. I love that he says, "we." He may not totally get it, but he really is totally in. 

(By the way, the exclamation mark smiley was from me. He'd left that part on from my last little note to him. He'd never - ever - draw an exclamation smiley, but I guess it resonates with him on some level.)  

Whatever else, I know I'm so lucky to have him!! He is the best!!  But... the fact that he's the best makes me feel all the worse for me being the worst. Even though he doesn't see it that way.

You know, I'm starting to think it's a good thing I'm not going to be a mother: the crazy stops here.