My heart hurts so very much. All day was such a struggle. Sometimes I felt I could barely breathe. I've been really struggling again, over the last couple days, with... what did I do to deserve this? With... why am I not good enough? With... what did I do wrong? Well, I made it to my car ride home from work today, before I burst into tears at least. So it was a tough day from the moment I left our dear, sweet, safe home.
On top of it, some of the people I've counted on so heavily, my dear IF friends who are now pregnant or new moms... well, some of them are more and more showing the separation between the haves and the have-nots. Maybe that's just the way it goes. Lucky them. Lucky, lucky them. I'm so very glad for them! Yet it seems they've forgotten already. Maybe I was naive to think it wouldn't be like this when some made it to the other side. After all, the goal for all of us was to get pregnant and have kids. None of us wanted to be in this club. Some attain that goal. Others don't. Who can blame them for moving on and out... and then passing on the same cliches that used to make them so mad. The somewhat self-righteous cliches that only comfort those who actually attain said goal, leaving me with the impression that they're worthy of God's blessings, and I'm not. It hurts - so very, very much. How much hurt on top of hurt on top of hurt on top of.... can a heart handle before it just breaks irreparably?
Or do I just not want it as much as they did? Did I not do as good enough job? Did we not sacrifice enough? Or maybe it really is about me not being good enough.
I know that's a lie, but it feels incredibly truthy.
Suddenly I think everything was a mistake. Maybe it wasn't better to reach out to others. Ar always tells me he loves what a big heart I have, but that he always worries about me getting hurt because I open up so much. I care so much. I make myself so vulnerable.
Maybe today's hurts wouldn't be so bad if I hadn't already been so susceptible to the lies that feel so true. (Are they really, actually, lies?) This is just the way it goes. A pimple showed up yesterday, so that means AF is on the way. That never helps, now does it?
My head hurts and my heart hurts and I think maybe I'll just go crawl in bed. I guess this is one of my most pathetic posts ever, with no upside at all. I'm feeling a bit raw, I guess. My sincerest thanks to those of you who read this pathetic and depressing blog and don't hate me yet for my incessant prattling on about things I have no power to change -- and to those who still pray for me. I thank you so much!
I will always pray for you no matter what. You never need to apologise for being real on your blog. It is just so, so, hard and so, so unfair. And don't ever say that you are not good enough. Kids are not earned by sacrifice or goodness or pleasing God. I don't know why this is happening but I know that it can't be because you are not good enough because you are one of the most awesome people I know and we haven't even met! Hugs my friend.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, LG!!
DeleteHang in there! I understand how hard it is to have friends move on from infertility while you feel left in the dust. I have a hard time even sympathizing with newly deemed "infertile" couples because I want to see that they are really infertile like me and are not just going to get pregnant in the next year or two. That might sound wrong but it's true for me. Friends that say "we've been trying for 6 months and can't get pregnant," almost irritate me because I know odds are they will be pregnant soon enough. We just have to hang in there; whether our outcomes are what we want or not, we will make it through. One day at a time!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Heather!! It doesn't sound wrong at all to me, b/c I totally get it! :-) One day at a time, indeed!
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