She ranks much higher on the risk taker scale than I do. I'm a medium risk taker, she's high. She's braver and more confident. She cares less what people think of her. I tend to measure my risks more, overall... I pick my battles. I don't tend to consider my own advancement a battle worth fighting. Though we go about things differently, my friend and I definitely share a value in how much we care about the people we serve through our work. We're both highly mission driven, so her point is that I can do that better - and have more influence - if I become a manager. I don't know if that's true or not, but she is confident it is - and she feels I deserve it. She asked again, what do I have to lose, and what am I afraid of?
As we were talking through this, suddenly the big, fat, tears that are always just beneath the facade started rolling out, and I started sputtering on about how the last nearly seven years have been nothing but high risk for me in my personal life. I've put all I could put into the effort to be a mom, yet I've done nothing but fail. I can't fail at work too. I've put myself out there as much as I could - and done nothing but lose. I don't know that I can do that at work. I don't know that I can handle complete and utter failure there too.
My friend understood my point, probably more than most - because she acknowledges that she takes high risks at work because she can't in sensitive aspects of her own personal life. I've done the opposite. We each picked our battle.
But what now? What about the rest of my life? I still don't care about career advancement, though I value what I do. Sometimes I just want to pitch it all and grab Ar and take off... head for the hills. Just the two of us. Why do I keep sludging around, tromping through the snow, tromping into meetings, dealing with absurdity, cleaning, and paying bills? Why bother?
Hooo-wee. Seems that someone needs a little cognitive reframing.
Or maybe this is just an AF-is-on-the-way-super-funk....? Yeah right. Do I ever get to stop hurting so much? As I've mentioned before, it's like the word "hurt" doesn't even suffice. It really is the word that isn't.
Honestly, having the separation of my IF friend groups this week isn't helping one little bit. Just more and more left behind, more and more loss.
Ahhh, yes... Ok - now for good things, good things... I insist on sharing good things too:
1) Ar is amazing - and our love seems to just keep growing deeper. He thinks I'm a masterpiece - no matter how broken I am. This is all a mystery to me.
2) We were able to book our trip to Honduras yesterday. Scared as I am of the travel, I really am looking forward to it.
3) I am enjoying the photo challenge I've been part of, very much. I've enjoyed observing things more - and, well, differently. I've enjoyed shaping some of my blog posts around the weekly theme. It's been really good.
4) My mom is turning 65 next week.
5) This mid-30s weather has been feeling like spring is on the way - and spring would be a very good thing.
These are good things and I am blessed. That is a fact.
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