Risky business

After work tonight, a friend and I went out for a bite. My friend was once again encouraging me to push for a promotion at work, which is totally not my style. She recently was promoted to manager and has long believed I deserve to become a manager, as well. (I'm a supervisor now.) As we were talking about this, she asked me what I've got to lose? What am I so afraid of?

She ranks much higher on the risk taker scale than I do. I'm a medium risk taker, she's high. She's braver and more confident. She cares less what people think of her. I tend to measure my risks more, overall... I pick my battles. I don't tend to consider my own advancement a battle worth fighting. Though we go about things differently, my friend and I definitely share a value in how much we care about the people we serve through our work. We're both highly mission driven, so her point is that I can do that better - and have more influence - if I become a manager. I don't know if that's true or not, but she is confident it is - and she feels I deserve it. She asked again, what do I have to lose, and what am I afraid of?

As we were talking through this, suddenly the big, fat, tears that are always just beneath the facade started rolling out, and I started sputtering on about how the last nearly seven years have been nothing but high risk for me in my personal life. I've put all I could put into the effort to be a mom, yet I've done nothing but fail. I can't fail at work too. I've put myself out there as much as I could - and done nothing but lose. I don't know that I can do that at work. I don't know that I can handle complete and utter failure there too.

My friend understood my point, probably more than most - because she acknowledges that she takes high risks at work because she can't in sensitive aspects of her own personal life. I've done the opposite. We each picked our battle.

But what now? What about the rest of my life? I still don't care about career advancement, though I value what I do. Sometimes I just want to pitch it all and grab Ar and take off... head for the hills. Just the two of us. Why do I keep sludging around, tromping through the snow, tromping into meetings, dealing with absurdity, cleaning, and paying bills? Why bother?

Hooo-wee. Seems that someone needs a little cognitive reframing.

Or maybe this is just an AF-is-on-the-way-super-funk....? Yeah right. Do I ever get to stop hurting so much?  As I've mentioned before, it's like the word "hurt" doesn't even suffice. It really is the word that isn't. 

Honestly, having the separation of my IF friend groups this week isn't helping one little bit. Just more and more left behind, more and more loss. 

Ahhh, yes... Ok - now for good things, good things... I insist on sharing good things too:

1) Ar is amazing - and our love seems to just keep growing deeper. He thinks I'm a masterpiece - no matter how broken I am. This is all a mystery to me. 
2) We were able to book our trip to Honduras yesterday.  Scared as I am of the travel, I really am looking forward to it.
3) I am enjoying the photo challenge I've been part of, very much. I've enjoyed observing things more - and, well, differently. I've enjoyed shaping some of my blog posts around the weekly theme. It's been really good.
4) My mom is turning 65 next week.
5) This mid-30s weather has been feeling like spring is on the way - and spring would be a very good thing.

These are good things and I am blessed. That is a fact.

Stream of consciousness awful ranting

My heart hurts so very much. All day was such a struggle. Sometimes I felt I could barely breathe. I've been really struggling again, over the last couple days, with...  what did I do to deserve this?  With... why am I not good enough?  With... what did I do wrong? Well, I made it to my car ride home from work today, before I burst into tears at least. So it was a tough day from the moment I left our dear, sweet, safe home.

On top of it, some of the people I've counted on so heavily, my dear IF friends who are now pregnant or new moms...  well, some of them are more and more showing the separation between the haves and the have-nots. Maybe that's just the way it goes. Lucky them. Lucky, lucky them. I'm so very glad for them! Yet it seems they've forgotten already. Maybe I was naive to think it wouldn't be like this when some made it to the other side. After all, the goal for all of us was to get pregnant and have kids. None of us wanted to be in this club. Some attain that goal. Others don't. Who can blame them for moving on and out... and then passing on the same cliches that used to make them so mad. The somewhat self-righteous cliches that only comfort those who actually attain said goal, leaving me with the impression that they're worthy of God's blessings, and I'm not. It hurts - so very, very much. How much hurt on top of hurt on top of hurt on top of.... can a heart handle before it just breaks irreparably?

Or do I just not want it as much as they did? Did I not do as good enough job? Did we not sacrifice enough? Or maybe it really is about me not being good enough.

I know that's a lie, but it feels incredibly truthy.

Suddenly I think everything was a mistake. Maybe it wasn't better to reach out to others. Ar always tells me he loves what a big heart I have, but that he always worries about me getting hurt because I open up so much. I care so much. I make myself so vulnerable.

Maybe today's hurts wouldn't be so bad if I hadn't already been so susceptible to the lies that feel so true.  (Are they really, actually, lies?) This is just the way it goes. A pimple showed up yesterday, so that means AF is on the way. That never helps, now does it?

My head hurts and my heart hurts and I think maybe I'll just go crawl in bed. I guess this is one of my most pathetic posts ever, with no upside at all. I'm feeling a bit raw, I guess. My sincerest thanks to those of you who read this pathetic and depressing blog and don't hate me yet for my incessant prattling on about things I have no power to change -- and to those who still pray for me. I thank you so much!

Candid

Candid.  And candidly, I've got nothing new to say.  It's all been said before.  I'm sad and I'm tired - what else is new, right?  I'm living two faces because most people don't want anything to do with my sad face. Both of my faces are genuine, they're just very distinct.  Good thing I have such a good sense of humor (I think, anyhow) because IF has not stolen laughter from me, at least.  But whatever they say, laughter doesn't cure anything.  It does at least take some of the edge off though.  

 Week 8 of Photo 52: Candid

Anyhow, here's my candid photo submission. This is Sor, Ar's daughter. She's lovely!  She treated us to lunch this week - best sushi I ever had!  This photo is her intently sharpening her chopsticks for the battle.  You'll be glad to know that she won.  We all did.

This is a real photo, but I don't feel comfortable putting the actual photo on here. I had her permission to use it on Facebook, but I didn't ask her about using it on the blog - which, she doesn't even know about - so this was converted to a pencil sketch for a small level of anonymity.

I was happy to get this photo early in the week, because I wasn't sure what I was going to do.  I mean, I take many candid shots of Ar, which are wonderful, in my opinion, but I don't want to post Ar all the time.  Well, I honestly wouldn't mind, but I'm sure people would get sick of that pretty quickly.  I also don't feel comfortable posting people's faces without their permission, so I felt a bit limited.  Social media is a whole new animal, ya know, and I just like to be careful.   I really liked this photo I got of Sor though, so that worked out well.  It's very, very her!!

However, since I had really nothing to do today except get a pair of pants mended, buy eggs, and survive, I let myself get a little lost looking for some nice photo opportunities. I did feel content at times, while wandering, but...  Well, to be completely candid, looking for more bonus candid shots of strangers kinda stunk...  I'm sorry that it's true, but it is.

There are an awful lot of adorable shots of parents and kids. Like, you know, everywhere I looked. There was one in particular in the mall that made my heart just melt - a father and son.  So sweet.  Why can't that be Ar?  Why can't I be tailing Ar taking adorable photos of him with our boy, instead of creepily staring after strangers?   Or the mother gently pulling on her baby's hat, while dad held the little one in his arms. Well, soon as my pants were mended, I hightailed it out of the mall.  I drove around a while, winding around the big, beautiful park nearby, where I discovered more father and son action.

After moving on from stalking them, I discovered this tree.  I guess it's a candid. After all, it didn't know I was admiring and photographing it.  Admittedly, it looked way better in person, but at that point I didn't feel like getting out of the car and tromping around to get a better picture.  I love trees.  Trees always lift my spirits, so I sat there admiring it for a while. 

When I left there is when I got lost, but not very.  Happily, I ended up in a wonderful little neighborhood, which I haven't been to in ages. Conveniently, there is a little Finnish bakery and bistro right there on the corner.  Granted, I'm far from being Finnish, but it still would have been wrong to not stop in.  So... after showing off my killer parallel parking skills - it's ridiculous how good this old country girl is at parallel parking - I walked over to the bistro and saw this elderly couple trudging along arm in arm, all bundled up. I very much like to see elderly couples. They were a ways off, so again not a great picture, but I was being aware, at least. The problem with awareness is that it's hard to make it selective. 

Wouldn't it be nice if I could just focus my awareness on trees, nature, elderly couples, and people whose happiness doesn't hurt my heart so much?

Anyhow, the Finnish bakery was quite charming, and the almond kringlette quite delicious! A nice little treat.  I also stopped into the gift shop next door - just to browse.  I wasn't going to buy anything... famous last words, right. Well, they had this CD playing, which was rather unique and soothing. I decided to buy it for Ar. We don't really buy each other actual gifts very often.  Our rule is to never buy each other a gift just because we're supposed to - so we don't really worry about birthdays, Valentine's, or Christmas gifts for each other.  We only buy each other gifts when we see or think of something the other would likely enjoy.  I think he, and his lumberjack tendencies, will like it.

I also couldn't resist this bottle of locally made spice.  Get this: sea salt, lemon peel, basil leaf, and lavender buds.  Mmm.  Can't wait to try it.

So, those were my adventures today.  Mostly I felt heavy hearted, but there was some niceness to round it out.

Last, but not least, I'm posting this just because I love it. It's one of my favorite candid shots.  It was taken in Utila, two years ago.  This is Ar's ma and his cousin. I think it's so cute!

Treasure

This week of the photo challenge sent me in search of treasure.  In most cases, I didn't have to look far. Truly, I'm no stranger to treasure. 

Some treasures are delicious, yet fleeting.

Well, maybe not so fleeting... as they say, "A moment on the lips, forever on the hips!"  (And in this case, worth every morsel!!)

Some treasures are just too fun to resist! 







While not necessarily profound, these certainly bring cheer to the dark corners of my life.





 

Other treasure was found in childhood...

...and changed my life and heart for the better - establishing itself firmly in my heart for all time.

Some treasures were collected along the way....

...the rarest and most precious of these treasures have rather inexplicably stuck with me through all these years.









Some treasures may not look extraordinary, but they remind of a place and a time... of a love that, though never perfect, was truer than true.  

And within that treasure, lay a lifetime of more treasures...


which has even begun to overflow with treasure.














 
Nature and tradition,

and family...  these too are treasures, for which I never had to search very hard.

(Even if some of the treasures maybe sometimes make me just a little crazy!)

One of my very most cherished of treasures happened along when I least expected it - after a very long wait.  Even after feeling certain that this treasure would never be mine.... 

Week 7 of Photo 52: treasure

...and I discovered how incredibly worth the long wait it was.   

It brought with it new family...

  

new traditions,

blended with the old.

It also brought dreams of new treasures to be discovered.

Dreams that have been shattered at every turn.

It seems sometimes the treasure we seek the hardest, is the one that forever eludes us. 

No matter how well we outfit and equip ourselves for the hunt.

My life is indeed full of treasure. Yet the great majority of this blog has focused on the treasure that I cannot attain, the treasure for which I've hunted many years now, to no avail.  Turning over clue after clue, chasing the next lead... yet always ending in disappointment.

It's so hard, so incredibly hard to give up the hunt - and the hope - for such a priceless treasure, no matter how much pain it's created.  After all, how do you know when to keep seeking such treasure - and when to give up?  What is the difference between quitting and acceptance?  What if it's that next clue, that next lead, that next turn that holds the treasure?

I don't know the answers.  I truly wish I did.  In the end, perhaps it doesn't matter because sometimes a treasure hunter's resources dry up, leaving no real choice - only questions, regrets, and despair.

Still, what I do know is that though my heart is broken and my spirit is so greatly disturbed within me, there is a treasure beyond all treasure. This treasure, though free, is never cheap. 

“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal.  For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.  (Matthew 6:19-21)

Brrs and blues

The theme for Week 6 of Photo 52 is brr.  Now, I'm not a fan of brr, rather I'm a flip flop lovin' kinda girl.  But even though still feeling the blues in a big way, I am determined to seek out some beauty in this winter: this physical season of winter, as well as the icy, blizzardy winter of my heart.

Besides, I'll admit that snow is quite lovely.   Ahh, fresh snow - so pure and bright... at least until it gets trampled down and exhaust covered of course.

I truly do appreciate how snowy trees look like frosted arms reaching up to the Heavens.  It always gives even this embattled, warm-weather loving woman's heart a little lift.  

Still, because I tend to see the majority of winter like this....  BLECH!!!

....Ar thought maybe we should go out together to seek some brr photos.  He started my day off very sweetly by surprising me with a little gift of love day brightener.  He knows how very blue I've been.   

We ended up having a nice lunch with his brother first, who was unexpectedly in town for business.  Since we were already at the Mall of America, we considered going to the ice castles - but ended up passing on that... in large part because it seemed a little too costly for what it was. Or are we just cheap?  Hmm.

Well, we are trying to be more frugal - to make sure what we spend our money on is worth it.  I recently read a quote by Dave Ramsey that I'm trying to heed, "Sometimes you have to tell yourself 'no,' so later you can tell yourself 'yes.'" It's not easy, but we are at least questioning our spending more - questioning if something is worth $20 or not. After all, a few $20 really starts to add up. This is why we will not be buying me a new camera, since I don't actually need one. Sigh. Anyhow, such as in dieting, awareness is half the battle. 

Besides, in addition to planning another Honduras visit with Ar's ma this spring - something that is definitely worth it, in every respect - our RE clinic has been harassing us again about our IUI bills - even though we always pay regularly. It's just that we're not paying enough for them.  I can't wait to pay off that expensive and constant reminder of failure and heartache.   

So, anyhow...  we moved on to find free brr.  Besides, I wanted to revisit something I'd seen a few nights earlier when I was at a one-night painting class with a couple of beautiful and lovely girlfriends.  

Now I have absolutely zippo skill in the ways of painting, but it sure was fun! I am, after all, seeking some newness in many different forms - why not try my hand at art?

I wish I hadn't gotten so much blurriness here - I wanted to get a good action shot, but didn't quite get 'er done right. I didn't actually take that many photos, since I was pretty busy painting, but I want to go back for another class sometime, so I'll try to do better.  :-)

Well, here's my finished product.  Not fabulous, but it's the single best painting I've ever created!  My friends did a much better job - it was interesting to see how all of ours turned out differently, though the same painting.

So it was after that painting class that I first saw this super cool (literally) throne of ice.  BRRRRR!!!   But it was too dark - and far too BRRRRRRR - on that night of painting fun to try to photograph it, so Ar and I went there to check it out. I think we made the right choice - I like how this turned out.

Week 6 of Photo 52: Brr

I'm working on trying to compose photos better, in addition to trying to figure out the effect of different aperture and such.  As most of these photos show, I've a long way to go - but it's been nice to finally read up on photography and try to put it into practice.  In any case, I am pretty pleased with my throne photo. 

It's such a pretty little area of St. Paul around there, complete with a fun little candy shop right around the corner.  A happy coincidence!  It would be bordering on sinfulness to not stop in and support our local small business, after all, right? RIGHT?!?!?!?  I said we were being frugal, not insane!!  Mmmm.... ginormous turtle.....  gahhhhh!

Thankfully, the candy shop is safe with good old Lucy standing guard.  

And Snoopy and Woodstock, of course.  

(I really love running into these wonderful characters around town!!)

Some brr and a little sweet to share with my sweetie... a nice day, to be sure!

And then the next day, I finally discovered for myself a new kind of blue... I've recently heard about the blue hour from another lovely and beautiful friend. I ditched out of work a bit early that day, after reaching my capacity for usefulness a little early that day.  By the way, early for me isn't really all that early - as evidenced by the fact that I caught the blue hour as I was driving home.  Normally, this time of year, I just catch the darkness. Well, color me thrilled to have seen it with mine own eyes!!  I was sort of just driving home in robot mode when suddenly the blueness of the evening sky caught me off guard.

Don't judge this picture too harshly... I was driving at the time.  I kept my eyes straight ahead on the road, but snapped out the window, simply aiming upwards. Though I don't proclaim this to be a quality photo, I do like how sort of ghostly it looks. It was the blue I wanted to be sure to capture.   This was around 5:50 pm.

Then, rather than heading home, I started to chase the blues a bit.  Funny, since I'm usually trying to chase them away...  This one was about quarter past 6pm.

I seriously was beyond thrilled to see the blue hour for myself.  I'm sure I've seen it before, but just never paid attention....  So thank you to my friend who brought this to my attention.  It is a lovely time, indeed.  Hopefully I'll eventually learn to photograph it right, but in the meantime, these are proof enough for me that the blues can be beautiful.  

I had to rush home to be sure to introduce Ar to the blues...  this one is off our deck.  He'd never known to notice the blue hour before either, and was duly impressed.  This was about 6:25 pm or so.  Soon after it was just dark. 

I wonder what other lovely things I've been missing for lack of attention?  

Photographer's choice

I meant to post my Week 5: Photographer's Choice picture a few days ago, but as you perhaps read in my last post, I've been really struggling with some major blues...  well, what else is new, right?  There are many shades of blue in my life - in my heart.  Sometimes I handle it better than others, I guess.  Sometimes - lately - it feels overwhelming, as if I'm drowning.   I can't always pinpoint why.  I mentioned two actual catalysts in my last post, but most of the time these tidal waves of grief just come seemingly out of the blue.  Sometimes it's because I try to picture the future and...  I am afraid.  I'm not supposed to be afraid, but I am quite afraid. Life is both beautiful and terrifying, don't ya think?  Or is that just me?

None of  us really know what the future holds, but we all have images of it... hopes and dreams.  What do you do when the storm lasts so much longer than you could have expected... when you're not sure it'll ever pass? What do you do when those images start popping like pricked balloons?  What do you do when those hopes and dreams are crushed to oblivion?  Well, if you're me, eventually you realize that the future looks more terrifying than beautiful. I shouldn't feel that way. After all, Jeremiah 29:11 tells me,  

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Yet I do.  I do feel that way.

"All I really need to know
Is if You who live in eternity
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in time
We can't see what's ahead
And we can not get free of what we've left behind
I'm reeling from these voices that keep screaming in my ears
All the words of shame and doubt, blame and regret"

(Rich Mullins, Hard to Get)

Well, this week was photographer's choice, and I can't think of any better subject than the wonderful man that God so richly blessed me with!  The man who sees me - and truly loves me - through all the thicks and the thins, the betters and the worses of this beautiful terrifying life.  We've seen more worse than we could have imagined, and honestly - I'm not quite the woman he married. I really fear that all that's left of that woman is the very worst of her.

Yet my Ar, my darling husband, loves me. Of that I have no doubt. In fact, I know that he loves me more now than ever. He still thinks he's the lucky one; he still sees me as the light of his life...  but it's me - I'm the lucky one.  He dries my tears - in fact, he came over and did so just a minute ago because, of course, I started crying again while writing this - he listens, he puts his arms around me, he makes me laugh, he encourages me - and he believes that our future will still be bright.

He helps me to not get too caught up in the terrors of my mind.  He doesn't always understand, but he always loves - in word and in deed. To be truly loved in this beautiful terrifying life is an amazing thing. As crushed as I am over what I don't have, I know that what I do have is precious. 

Photographer's choice: My darling Ar

Unfortunately, because it seems I'm incapable of processing the beautiful without the terrifying, I'm so very afraid of losing him. I'm not afraid of him choosing to leave, I'm afraid because one day one of us won't have a choice in the matter.  That's life. And so I want to cage him up and keep him safe, as if I could...

Perhaps it's pure hubris, but this - this fear - is one of the worst aspects of childlessness to me. 

About the blues

These waves of intense grief just keep washing over me.  Ohhh - I just...  I just... I don't even know.   

All this past week was a major struggle.  Of course I can't be sad at work, it's just not allowed - but it was really hard this week. Quite awful, in fact.  It was so hard to get through.  Granted, AF week is never easy for anyone - let alone for someone with IF.  There are so many painful reminders, and then sometimes it just hits me from out of the blue.

Last night, after such a difficult week, I stopped out at a happy hour for a co-worker's birthday.  Another co-worker, who I only met one other time, was telling me and a good friend of mine, who also wishes she had kids, about another person who couldn't make it to happy hour because of her young kids.  She then proceeded to go on about how kids are such a pain at that age and how people try selling them on eBay, but no one wants them.  She was cracking herself up, but didn't seem to notice that the two of us weren't laughing.  My friend tried to be a little coolly polite, but to be honest, I - though not rude - don't really try anymore.  All I can do is offer my sad stare.  She obviously didn't get the response she hoped for from us, so eventually moved on and I tried to stay social though my heart was sunk.  If only it were as easy as eBay.

Today, a thing as silly as a box of macaroni and cheese did me in.  You know, the old classic in the blue box.  Now, I'm a pretty good cook and I do make a mean (real) macaroni and cheese, but sometimes I just want the little blue box... It was one of the few processed foods mom served us when we were kids and I loved it!  It's not exactly healthy, but hey - sometimes the heart just wants what it wants, the tummy too - so once in a while I pick up a happy little blue box.  Anyhow, I was mentioning this to a friend last week, which meant it was already on my mind - plus, I felt a little comfort food was in order - so I picked up a box for today. As I was pitching out that blue box afterward, I noticed the back of it. It read:

"Imported from childhood. Congratulations, you just picked up a box of deliciously ooey gooey macaroni and cheese dinner.  Chances are you'll be serving it to your kids, but at the same time helping yourself to a spoonful or two...."

Whooosh.  From out of the blue (box) came yet another wave of grief.  I stood there over the garbage can crying because I don't have kids to serve fake macaroni and cheese to.  Honestly, if I did, I'd want to make them the real stuff anyhow... so they'd know cheese doesn't really come in that pretty orange color.  Still, stand there crying for a ridiculously long time, I did. I don't have kids and I never will.

Am I too sensitive?  Oh, sure - obviously, but how am I supposed to not be?  It feels how I imagine a recovering alcoholic, who's trapped forever in a busy tavern - but not allowed to have a drink - would feel.  Oh, I just don't know.  I wonder if I will ever stop hurting so much.

I really wish Ar were home, instead of away on business...  I just want him near.  I'm so proud of him and his business, but I wish it didn't take him away so many weekends.  I just want him near. 

 "Sometimes the night was beautiful
Sometimes the sky was so far away
Sometimes it seemed to stoop so close
You could touch it but your heart would break..."