Leaf to leaf

I rise up, I kiss and hug, I laugh, I work, I eat chocolate, I work some more, I dream, I write, I take pictures, I laugh and kiss and hug some more, and I fall down to sleep.

The days march on and oh, how I try to forget - in a world where forgetting just isn't possible - and oh, how I try to say... that this unfillable hole is just okay. And oh, how I try to look to beauty and hope and grace, all whilst I pray this gaping hole might yet go away.

Nothing Gold Can Stay

Nature’s first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf’s a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

(Robert Frost)

Still wondering....

Will my whys be answered in Heaven, or will I just not mind anymore?

Until then, I wonder if I'll ever stop wondering why.

Why do most get the joy of creating a family bigger than two, of which I am denied? I see these families everywhere, at all stages, and I always wonder why... not why them, but why not us too?  Why don't we also get that joy?

When I wrote last time about how it was so bittersweet seeing Ar so wonderfully with my nephew... why not us too?

When my nephew was born (30 years and 2 days after me), I dreamed that it wouldn't be too long before Ar and I would marry and have our own. Back then, even with my PCOS, I still believed it would happen. How wonderful to raise kids right behind my brother, I thought... cousins! I had this dream that we'd all meet up in the Wisconsin Dells every year in the winter for indoor water park fun, and our usual north woods trip in the summer. Such fun we'd have. We were never close with our own cousins, but I very much believe that if we'd had kids, they'd be close to my beloved niblings.

I still struggle with the notions of "what did I do wrong to deserve this?" Intellectually, I reject that notion; emotionally... well, that's a different matter.

Why, and will I ever stop asking why?

And... why do I get to live and walk and see and feel and work? Why do I get to have a family of two, with such an amazing husband? Why is my life filled with more love than I could ever possibly deserve? Why do I get to live in relative safety, freedom, and comfort? Why am I never hungry for longer than... a blink of an eye? Why me - and why not others?

Why, indeed.

We are living in a beautiful, but fallen, world, to be sure. Are there answers beyond that, or is there only faith, hope, and perseverance?

Oh Lord, I just don't know. Please help me always be more grateful for what I have, than devastated for what I have not.

A little happy heart hurt

We went on our annual family vacation in the Wisconsin north woods, this past week. If you've already read my other blog Boy and a girl..., or looked on Facebook, or talked to me, or... have psychic abilities, you already know this. You probably also know that I really had a great time. There was really no family drama to speak of, which is wonderful! Maybe we're all growing up... who knows. ☺

It was a very nice time, a happy time!

Sometimes happy makes the heart hurt, though. It was a little bit hurt from joy - at least that's what it stemmed from. See, I adore my niblings - I adore them ever so much.

It's always wonderful to spend time with them... they live, as does the rest of my family, about six hours away, so times together are too few and too short. Being up north together seems to be the best of our times together. The trip really was wonderful - completely wonderful!

So why the hurt heart? Well, see, my nephew really adores my dear Ar.  (Who can blame him??) They are kindred spirits, I do believe. Both my niblings are always so happy when Ar is around - but especially my nephew. He follows Ar around everywhere. He even got his own awesome hat, to be more like Ar. It's truly a lovely and heartwarming thing.

And heartbreaking. Incredibly heartbreaking.

Oh how I wish, how I wish, how I wish....

Week 34 of Photo 52: Face in the Crowd 

This was Ar's catch, and nephew helped him with the net. 

Now, on this next one, they had caught the same bass...

Nephew caught one off the pier, but it was too big and snapped his line. He was hoping to catch it again because it was that nice. A bit later, Ar snagged a similar looking bass... and it just so happened to have nephew's hook that he's just lost in it!! That's what they're looking at in this photo. These two awesome fishermen were over the moon about catching the same bass. Aren't they adorable!?!?

Oh yes, it made my heart so happy.

And so very, very sad.

How I wish.

Dark, and not very humorous, humor

Wanna know something funny?  I haven't told anyone else this yet, but it's pretty HI-larious!!

About a week and a half ago, I had some spotting. I very rarely ever have spotting, though it happened one other time recently too. Both times, because I'm not a very fast learner, it occurred to me that it might be implantation bleeding.  Get it? Implantation bleeding!!!  Good one, huh? I actually pictured myself telling Ar, this very week after AF would surely fail to show and I surely would get a BFP, that we finally made it there...  how weird am I?

Sorry, I suppose my IF humor isn't very humorous at all... but I have to try to poke fun at myself.  It's better than all the alternatives, which still happen, but laughing at myself does help.

Implantation bleeding.  Ahh, that's funny stuff. Like this old girl has any hope of having kiddies.  Ah well.

No, instead, AF decided to show up the very day we're heading for vacation - today. And that, my friends, is AF's dark humor. AF always gets the last laugh.

Anyhow, such is life. At least I didn't tumble out of a booth this week...  Oh wait...  I did - here it is, in case you haven't been reading my new blog - the one about new: Strange, but true.

Not that I'm feeling particularly whimsical, but I'm behind on posting my Photo 52 photos. I'm mostly going to post them over in the new blog now, I think, but this one makes me feel a little lighter at heart, so here is one from a few weeks ago, which I haven't posted in blog-land yet.

Week 29, Photo 52: Whimsy

I wish I could have had the time to circle around this adorable, whimsical statue to shoot it from different angles - but I was with a group of friends, who aren't as patient as Ar is at waiting for me to take a zillion photos of one subject, so I had to shoot and run. I do like the reflections though, and that all those cute duckies are in there... Aren't they too cute!? The photo could be better, but the statue is just wonderful!!

The road long traveled

Some days I feel like I just might make it through the rubble... some days I trust that I won't always have to feel so sad... so thoroughly broken. Some days, I can acknowledge the grief and the triggers, but am able to cope - to keep going, to keep smiling... to believe that the road long traveled is still leading somewhere worth going.

Then there are all the too many other days. The days that I just don't know how I can keep acting normal and functional, when I feel so horrible - so completely wrecked. Days when I have no energy and no motivation to even think about coping, and when I'm woefully sure there is absolutely nothing new or good under the sun for poor me. Days when something so small and seemingly harmless can completely derail me, and when the bend seems to be merely a far off mirage.

These days, when my heart just hurts so much that it extends to my tummy and every muscle in my body, the only solution seems to be to crawl into our bed and hide, which is too frequently not an option.

I don't even know what the difference is between the days. Am I really that mentally unstable? Probably! With a few heavy dashes of wrecked.

Week 28 of Photo 52: Rustic

Still, somehow, somewhere deep inside, I know that whether I walk, skip, trudge - or even crawl a couple inches at a time before lying face-down in the dirt for a while - the only way remains forward.  But not now, now is the time for that bed.

If...

Oh yes, if wishes were babies...
 
I'm trying to keep moving, but my heart really hurts.

I'm not really sure I ever have any strong days... but I guess it's just step by step. 

New blog

Well, I finally got my new blog up. The blog about new. We'll see how it goes - what feels right. I'll perhaps still write here, if I need to process my grief more... I don't plan to dwell on anything like that there, but who knows. As I write, I just let it come out. It's always been my style. But this is a new phase, and a new blog is warranted. I always wondered what I'd do, if I had kids... would I turn this blog into a mommy blog, like so many IFers who got their happy ending have done. I always thought I would not, because I've so often noticed that every time I found a great new IF blog, the next week it turned into a mommy blog. I think my subscribing to IF blogs was a lucky charm for them. Wish I'd have a lucky charm.

Anyhow, I've had a number of things nagging at me these last couple weeks, bringing me down. It's just always baby central around me, it seems, and it really is so hard. I hope others can understand how hard it is. I hope you, my few but loyal blog readers, can understand....  see how the painful reminders are everywhere.

I hope that because I worry I've become an awful and petty person, but it's just so incredibly hard.

However, I'm actively working on not focusing on those things that are constantly flying around me. I once read, supposedly from Martin Luther, though I've never verified that he said it:

"You cannot keep birds from flying over your head but you can keep them from building a nest in your hair."

Whether he said it or not, I like that. That's where I am, I guess... trying to stop the birds from building a nest. 

And so, I may need to step back from my last remaining IF groups. I don't know though. It's just that most of those I'm closest to have found good outcomes by now, so I won't feel like I'm abandoning anyone who needs support. The few that I'm close to, who are still struggling, are ones that I largely communicate with outside of the groups, anyhow - and I wouldn't want that to stop.

It's hard though, when I think about it, because these women have been so important to me throughout this, but I'm not sure being in the groups are healthy for me anymore. I have to think that through more, and feel it out. They're barely even active anyhow, because of all those good outcomes. I guess that's part of why it's hard - the feeling of inadvertent abandonment - others get to move on. I have to move on too - just not the way I want to. And so, such is life.

So here is my new blog... the blog about new: Sweetest in the Gale.  So, in case I haven't already scared you off too badly, by my anxious, depressive, horrid personal rantings, you can check that out. It's strange to have a new blog - a blank slate. This blog, Under Our Tree, which I started during the worst and the lowest of my life, has been so important to me in this nightmare of a journey.

Writing here, and the love and support from you few and loyal, has felt like such a lifesaver! I generally can't speak of it - my grief - very easily, so I'm grateful for this - for you! - and I hope that the new one will be as positive an experience, though I do find myself having some anxiety about the newness of it all - but what else is new, eh?  ☺

New at 42

 So it seems I'm another year older. I'm thankful for that, though I wouldn't mind if I could age just every three years or so.... Kinda like how a year in dog years is equal to seven people years, only in reverse.  Still, I really am thankful - not for the aging thing (fertility issues aside, as I sit here on ice, I can tell you that my back and I are not thrilled about the aging process part) but life is good, even when it's bad, and I'd much rather be here than not.

My birthday, and the days leading up to it, were wonderful!  I traveled to see family and friends and then Ar and I took a little trip. Everything was lovely! This birthday was much less emotionally difficult on me than the last couple were, so that's good.

My friend K was the only one who would pose with the Fonz and me...  Ayyyy

In the midst of the fun, with lots of time spent on the road and with the word FREEDOM floating in my head from the photo challenge, somehow I came up with the idea that for me to be free, I have to be ready for newness.

I've often written of how stuck I have been and how impossible the thought of getting unstuck is. Somehow, in a road weary state, I decided to challenge myself this birthday to become new again. Not me, so much... I'm not interested in a new me - take me or leave me, love me or hate me, but as for me - massively flawed though I am - I'm generally okay with who me is.  But I'm not okay with me remaining stuck.  Life is both too long and too short to let myself stay stuck. After all, life still wants.

It's good to keep making new friends too...

So I challenged myself to do 42 new things this year - my 42nd year. They don't have to be big or major or profound things - knowing me, most of them will be silly and/or edible...  but it's really just about an attitude of unstuckness. An attitude of actively remembering that, despite the chronic harshness of my inability to bring new life into this world, life is still good and new. I've been waiting for so long for the newness that I want, that I'm missing out on much of the newness that is and that could be.

As the poet once said, "You can't always get what you want. You can't always get what you want. You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes... well you might find you get what you need." (Rolling Stones)

I continue to - and will always - grieve for the newness that can never be mine, but I don't want it to prevent me from seeing that newness that is.

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases.  His mercies never come to an end... they are new every morning, new every morning - great is thy faithfulness, Oh Lord, great is thy faithfulness." (Lamentations 3:22)

So I've accepted my challenge to do 42 new things before my 43 birthday. I believe I will start a new blog, in the spirit of newness, to document this journey of new. I'm still hesitant to share this blog with more people in my life, since it's rather intimate, so a new blog might be an opportunity to be more open. Actually, less open, but to more people...  Anyhow, if I do, I'll post the new link here. Hopefully I'll get that going in the next couple days.

But to follow up from my last post, and because this would count as my first new thing of 42, I will just note quickly that we attended the adoption information meeting this morning. In short, it firmed up in both of our minds that this route is a closed door to us. 

About 80% of this is simple fact of the matter - not emotion. For some reason, I'd blissfully forgotten that Ar's age is a major limiting factor for agency adoption. In fact, it's a closed door to the only kinds of agency adoption that we mutually agree are feasible for us. 

There was a lot of good information, over the three hour presentation. Along with a wealth of facts and experience, the adoption coordinator warned us to not heed the adoption stories we've probably heard from past adoptive parents, because trends have changed so dramatically just over the past few years - and that it's a really different story now.

All of this was strangely comforting: freeing. This is a closed door. That is the reality. Over this journey, there's always the burden of possibility... it's a blessing and a curse. In this case, it's good to know that it's a closed door, to know that we are operating based on fact. I'm glad we went. 

The only possibility for us would be if we hear of someone personally, who is looking for adoptive parents. The chances of this are slim, but Ar has some inquiries to make about that, but I'm not counting on anything. 

I'm sad about it and, well, about everything. But this is how it is. And that is that.

The lumberjack who makes this 42 year old feel like I'm only 22!!

Freedom!

 I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings

Week 27 of Photo 52: Freedom

The free bird leaps

on the back of the wind

and floats downstream

till the current ends

and dips his wings

in the orange sun rays

and dares to claim the sky.

But a bird that stalks

down his narrow cage

can seldom see through

his bars of rage

his wings are clipped and

his feet are tied

so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings

with fearful trill

of the things unknown

but longed for still

and his tune is heard

on the distant hill 

for the caged bird

sings of freedom

The free bird thinks of another breeze

an the trade winds soft through the sighing trees

and the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright lawn

and he names the sky his own.

But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams

his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream

his wings are clipped and his feet are tied

so he opens his throat to sing

The caged bird sings

with a fearful trill

of things unknown

but longed for still

and his tune is heard

on the distant hill

for the caged bird

sings of freedom. 

(Maya Angelou)

Summer days

"What is one to say about June, the time of perfect young summer, the fulfillment of the promise of the earlier months, and with as yet no sign to remind one that its fresh young beauty will ever fade." (Gertrude Jekyll)

Ahhh, summer days...

...summer days! Are there any nicer words in the English language?  (Not many!)

Week 26 of Photo 52: Photographer's Choice

 Everything seems so fresh...

and new.

It's a lovely time to stick your head out a bit, and...

...stretch yourself, even if it makes you look a bit awkward.

Go ahead... taste all the goodness that summer has to offer. 

And be sure to kick back and relax some... especially with the ones you love most. 

(Love: there really is no nicer word in the English language than that one!) 

Yeah, somehow summer makes it just a bit easier to believe again

 that every day holds the possibility of a miracle.

So cheers to summer, and to stretching ourselves a bit, even if it's awkward.... 

"Hi HJ and Ar,

You are registered for the adoption information meeting on Saturday, July 13, 9:00-11:30 a.m. at the E Street office. We look forward to seeing you there.

Best regards, 

Carol Adoption Information Specialist" 

 ...and even if it's a long shot to work, and

even if you aren't sure you're ready for it to work, even if it were possible for it to work. 

Yeah, summer is a fine time for exploration. 

Nothing says summer like...

...a few friends, and some wine, cheese and fruit, gathered together on a humble, but sunny, patio. 

For these things, and for summer, I am so thankful. Despite the snow storms that continue to rage on in my life, there are sunny patios and wonderful people to bring relief and laughs.

Week 25 of Photo 52: Nothing says summer like....

Now granted, if I'd planned this photo to be part of the photo challenge, I'd have staged it better. I might have used the fancier wine for the photo. I'd perhaps have strategically placed these items on the cute (new) red bistro table located just a foot or two away, instead of this old TV table. I'd for sure have placed the grapes in a white bowl to allow their rich red color to pop out...

In fact, I'd originally presented the food quite beautifully - in a way to complement all the colors - but later, when I ran back in to get more grapes, I just quickly threw the second batch in this little bowl and ran back out. After all, the middle of a party is not the time to worry about colors - rather it's the time to enjoy your guests.

I'd hesitated far too long to have a little party... after all, we're in an apartment with just a small (cozy) patio. We don't have a grill or extensive and well furnished patio space to host a perfect summer party. But why was I waiting for our home to look like a magazine? The truth is, it never will - because we are us and we do not live in a magazine. And that's good enough.  

Later, as I reviewed the photos we took to capture the fun evening, I realized that, though not perfectly staged, this was the photo that summed up the week's summery theme perfectly to me - and so I went with it.

Life isn't about perfection, after all. Life isn't even about faking perfection, or at least I don't want my life to be that way. There is a lot of pasting on a smile, despite my heartache - I have to do that sometimes, especially at work - but that's not who I really want to be. I find that when I can be real about my heartache, my smiles are realer too. 

Besides, maybe nothing says summer like throwing off the extra layers and going with the flow a bit more.

“And so with the sunshine and the great bursts of leaves growing on the trees, just as things grow in fast movies, I had that familiar conviction that life was beginning over again with the summer.” (F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby)

Texture

Textures... they really are all around us.  Some we love, some we hate, some are somewhere in between. In matters of clothing, furniture, and food, I tend toward the textures I love - soft and smooth textures - and avoid the ones I consider unpleasant. It's too bad that in life, the choice is not always ours.

Week 24 of Photo 52: Texture

Even so, there are some textures we dislike, but which are good for us, I suppose. As one example, I really dislike the texture of beans... they're very grainy and VERY unpleasant to my tongue. This has been a very strong dislike of mine, since childhood.

Even knowing that beans are good for me, my tendency would be to avoid them at all costs. It took falling in love with a man from another culture - one for whom bean-n-rice is a staple and a comfort food... and it further took for my (then) future ma-in-law to come for a visit and prepare said bean-n-rice for us, much to my dread... rendering it impossible for me to say no to giving it a try. (How do you say no to your future ma-in-law??)

Well, turned out that when mixing bean-n-rice and cooking them properly together, I like it. Who'd have thunk? It's not a love, but it's decent. I still won't eat beans straight or in a broth based soup because I still hate the texture, but when mixed with rice or in a tortilla - when there is something there to balance out the texture - I'm okay with them... and even sometimes choose them, knowing there are such good health benefits there.

And so, I've found ways to enjoy beans well enough and incorporate them into my cooking, for Ar's benefit and for mine.

Wonder if I can sort of do the same with other unpleasant textures of life?  I spend a lot of time trying to get over certain things, trying to push through, only to find myself thrown back and feeling worse than ever.

Maybe I need a new strategy. Maybe I need to make bean-n-rice.

(Yes, these are the strange things that just suddenly occur to me when I go to post my photo challenge photos. Once again, I felt like I had nothing to say - certainly nothing new - but I feel that I've committed to myself to post the photos and try to keep writing, even though I often feel too discouraged.

Yet as I start to write, crazy things come to me, like comparing infertility to beans. It's not a perfect analogy, but as Ar reminds me, I started this blog to help myself process life as I know it, not to make sense or please anyone else, so beans it is. Although I suppose I could have at least photographed some beans or something... oh well!) 

Broken forever

Here's the thing I don't think I'll ever get over: it's just so freaking unfair!!!

Lately, it's newborn photos galore - and who can blame them?  Seriously!! Not me!! Beautiful babies, proud parents... I get it.  I totally get it. I'd be snapping photos left and right, if only it could be me too.

It's just that it makes my heart hurt like nobody's business. It always comes back to this, ya know. Maybe you don't, but it does. It's always, always, always two steps forward, four million steps back.

Photos of that baby in Utila... oh my gosh - they make me ache all over.

Newborns and excitement - somehow make me want to throw up.

Kids graduated from kindergarten....

Kids graduated from whatever.... I don't know. I just don't want to see anyone or anything anymore.

It's just not fair.

I don't know how to stop coming back to that. I kinda suck, don't I? I think I'm broken forever.

When life hands you lemons...

...be glad if it also hands you coconuts.

When life seems to be a bowl full of pits...

...don't forget to notice the sweet, juicy cherries that surround the pits.

If life leads you to buy adorable baby clothes in the dream that you'll one day be a mom...

...accept that in the end, your impossible dream - and those final physical representations of it - was only worth enough to buy a delicious sub sandwich, chips, and a soda.

And no matter how dreadfully hard life rains down on you...

...get up and go to the zoo anyhow - and keep hoping for the sun to come out.

Accomplishment

Some days - some weeks - the biggest accomplishment I can muster is getting out of bed and continuing to show up. This progressively became one of those weeks. I don't feel too bad about that, I guess - after all, showing up is half the battle... Ehhh.

Since no one wants to see a photo of me getting out of bed, I took this picture of my team mate's bocce accomplishment.

Week 23 of Photo 52: Accomplishment

It's was a fabulous roll - could hardly get closer!

Yes, bocce season is back under way. This was Ar and my first week, because it started while we were in Utila - and the last two weeks were called on account of weather. I kinda stunk up the court, but it was fun to be back.

I don't feel up to accomplishing any more of a blog post than this... I'm usually not even sure why I keep writing, at all. What is the point? So... class dismissed.

Nothing ventured....

nothing gained. I had the job interview this morning and.... well, I kinda stunk! I'm quite sure I won't be getting a call back on that one. Oh well. Hey, I went for it and ya never know of course - maybe she digs rambling idiots!! ☺

It does sound like it would be a good opportunity and I think I'd like it. I also told my boss about it today. I sort of fretted about that all day, especially since I can't imagine that I'll get the job.... but, though I have some disgruntled feelings about certain things in my current situation, I very much like and respect my boss of the last 11 years - she deserves to know and she's supportive. She says that if I don't get it, we'll see what we can figure out for making my current job more challenging for me again. Problem is, it's not really under her control. Nonetheless, I feel much better having told her because in the off chance "rambling fool" is listed in the job description and I get an offer, I don't want my boss blind-sided. 

So, chalk this up to something ventured - and now it's the waiting game. Perhaps all my experience with two-week waits will help me in this waiting game... 

Somehow my May photographer's choice photos seem to fall under the title of nothing ventured, nothing gained, as well, at least in my mind. 

This, this here...

Week 22 of Photo 52: Photographer's Choice

...is the gain for my venturing into a tiny oyster can with wings and being hurtled across the sky by psychotic, peanut-wielding strangers with death wishes. It's called Big Bite and Ar used to fish here when he was a youngin'...  Of course, that's true of much of the Utila shoreline. 

Ahhh, I sure wouldn't mind picnicking right there on Big Bite: Ar, sushi, and some white wine. There was no sushi to be found on the island, but a girl can dream. Then again, in this place of unbelievably rugged beauty, a girl would also "settle" for a picnic of almost anything. 

 This one, this is the ladder that Ar ventured to create...

...which allowed ma to venture down into the sea - her piece of the sea! The piece of sea, right off the piece of land where her mom grew up, where she grew up... where she raised four children, but where she hasn't been able to get into for so very many years. 

Don't you just love the look on their faces?  Such beautiful gain!!

Now this one... 

...well, I'm not quite sure what this is, but I surely do love this photo. (Insert heavy sigh here.) I hadn't ventured to pick up a baby in so very long, quite intentionally... it just hurts too much. 

Oh, but this baby - the one who I cried in the store, while picking out adorable shoes for - well, quite unexpectedly she actually picked me up and held on tight for those two weeks. She just could not get enough of me for some unknown reason. 

This one was taken the day that we ended up toting baby around the island for hours on the golf cart and tromping around the iron shores with, because she just wouldn't stop wailing and running after me when we were trying to leave the house - and wouldn't let anyone else come near her. I rather miss this little lady. 

I'm not entirely sure if this one counts as a gain or a loss, but venturing doesn't guarantee a gain -  just that you are more likely to gain if you venture. There's probably a little of both in this one...

Wheel in the sky...

I'm such an 80's girl. Almost every word I hear turns into an 80's song. Right now my head is singing, "Wheel in the sky keeps on turning...Ooh, I don't know where I'll be tomorrow... Wheel in the sky keeps me yearnin' " 

Ahhh, Journey!! In any case, it's way better than the "What about Me" song I wrote about in my last post.  

Come to think of it, "Wheel in the Sky" may be from the late 70s, but that is every bit as good.  

So... Photo 52: week 21 - wheels. Whether or not we know where we'll be tomorrow, wheels are turning all around us. Utila sure had some different sorts of wheels than I'm used to around these parts.  

Photo 52, week 21: wheels

They also had a lot more wheels than I'd have expected...  here are very quiet moments on this street, but there were frequently scooters, motorcycles, and cars - yes cars! - zooming up and down here all day. It's a very small island, why anyone feels the need for a car is beyond me. Okay, so I think there are literally only two on the island, so that's not many, but if you came there you'd see why I still think it's two too many.

I should have perhaps photographed the traffic, come to think of it, but I preferred to try to ignore it. Carts and bikes and such seem reasonable and practical, but the super fast cycles and cars and taxis got a little out of hand. Also, there seem to be no traffic laws there than anyone can tell and it can be a little dangerous.  As I've mentioned, it's a little wild, wild west meets paradise.

I really liked these kind of wheels though, because it meant more things were being planted. Mmmm, breadfruit!

Mostly we walked places, but for two of the days, we picked up a set of wheels to go to the further reaches of the island.  Gotta love that new cart smell!!

Hey, baby... want a ride? 

Following friends to the water caves...

Putt-putt-putt... that's us! 

Speaking of putt-putt-putting, the wheels in my head sure have been turning. I keep thinking how I need some change - more than the super short new hair-do I'm sporting or the new tablecloth I bought yesterday, which is super cute by the way. Those things do help, but there's something more I feel I'm ready for, though it's not clear to me what that is.

I've been needing change for a while... something to brighten up the place, like adding that splash of yellow place mats did for our dining room. I've been thinking more about.... could we move to Utila - at least half the year? Could that work? I really miss being there, this time.  Or how hard should I work toward maybe moving back to Milwaukee area, where all my family is?

All I know is that I want - and need - to keep my wheels moving forward... to continue to work toward not dwelling on infertility, on my constant and overwhelming loss. There are successes and failures there, which is fine - as long as I'm mostly moving forward. I don't think I'm looking (anymore) to run away from my heartache, but to reconcile it better - and to still enjoy the journey - even if I don't quite know where it's leading. I do know I'm so blessed with wonderful travel companions, regardless of the details.

In any case, I actually have a job interview tomorrow! My first in... oh, eight or nine years. I've been at my company over 13 years now, in two different positions (my current position, I've been in for 11 years). It's an internal opportunity, so not the hugest of changes there - but it is on the other side of the world, from what I do now. I've started to get a bit nervous, just today.

So, Monday morning at 9 am, I'll be rollin' in to something new. Whatever the outcome of that, it feels good to take a risk - to try.