Safe haven

These last couple days have just been difficult days. I don't even know why, but I just feel so down. I'm having a really hard time picking myself up and going... and doing... and being wherever, whatever, and however I'm supposed to. Ugh.

Part of me felt like, after all Ar went through to get here for IUI, that surely this one must be "meant to be." The reality is, life doesn't work like that. My experience has told me that time and again... I don't know, I just feel very blah and down. Yesterday I hoped I'd wake up renewed and hopeful again, but not so. I just feel every bit my 40 years, and I just can't see right now how I will ever be a mom. I just can't see it. I want to - I want to believe, and while, as I've said a million times, hope does spring eternal, I feel far from that hope right now.

I just want to crawl under the covers, snuggled up with Ar, and sleep till... a long time, anyhow. Maybe until I can stop wanting things that I don't think I'm ever going to have. Ugh - why do I feel this way? Is it a sign? If so, what is it a sign of? And why do I somehow feel that everything might be a sign. It isn't. Feelings are feelings. They aren't facts. They just are what they are and they can't run my life. They don't, but sometimes I feel like letting them.

I'm still at work right now, and Ar said he's going to have a nice big mug of hot cocoa waiting for me - and hopefully a nice, big Ar hug too. I guess I'll get going into the snow and ice, and go to my safe haven.