In the shadows

Mostly for the purposes of documentation - or really, just out of habit, I guess - since what difference do any of my cycle days matter anymore, anyhow... AF showed up today:  CD 1. Super. Why do I even have to bother with such matters, since I don't get any of the upside?  But that isn't really the point of this post, I guess.   

Shadow: Noun 
A dark area or shape produced by a body coming between rays of light and a surface.

"In the shadows" was the week four theme for my Photo 52 challenge, but come to think of it... it's really hard to believe I haven't used "In the shadows" as a blog post title before. After all, I've been living in the shadows for years now.  The fleeting, dancing shadows of motherhood...  the long, menacing shadows of childlessness.   

One set of shadows skips tauntingly further and further away from me me - no matter how fast I chase after.  The other set... well, it unrelentingly looms over me - no matter how fast I run away.

I want to be in the light, not in the shadows.  I want to make shadows... I want to make beautiful, silly, dancing shadows.

Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward.  (Psalm 127:3)

A reward, a reward...  a heritage and a reward.  Hmm.

To be perfectly honest, the subject of fertility and infertility in the Bible is a rather confusing and difficult one to tackle.  Here, I'm living in the shadows of 90-somethings giving birth for the first time, not to mention wombs being closed... and opened - those who prayed fervently enough for long enough, and their womb was opened. Double hmm.

Now I understand that the promises to barren women in the Bible were promises to those particular couples - not all infertile couples - but it still makes ya wonder.  I mean, does God personally choose each womb to open or close?  He opened Leah's womb because Jacob didn't love her.  Perhaps Ar just loves me too much...  but wait, Rachel - greatly loved by Jacob - ended up having a kid too...  So perhaps I need to actually utter the words of Rachel, “Give me children, or I’ll die!” (Genesis 29)  Is that the winning formula?

Oh yes, there are so many shifting shadows, and I have been running to or from them for an awfully long time now. 

It's all so capricious, fertility. It's certainly not limited to only those who pray and have faith. It's not limited to those who make for good mothers. It's not limited to those who are capable of great love. It's not limited to those who have husbands - or even men at all - in their lives. It's not limited to people who want to have children.  It's not limited at all.  Unless it is.

I know now that shadows cannot be trusted - neither the beautiful, fun shadows - nor the long, menacing ones. I can't even always figure out what is making the shadow or where the light is coming from. Is the shadow bigger or smaller than its source?  If the source moves just a little, it changes everything. It's really not a great place, this living amongst the shadows.  I'm tired of running to and from. I just want to make beautiful shadows! 

Oh, but then I remember that light is the active ingredient in the making of shadows, so I must remember that it's more important to dwell in the right light, and rest in the right shadow. Maybe I could use a little rest. I really am so very tired. 

"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.  I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress my God, in whom I trust.”  Surely he will save you from the fowler’s snare and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday." (Psalm 91)

Week 4 of Photo 52: In the shadows