Safe haven

These last couple days have just been difficult days. I don't even know why, but I just feel so down. I'm having a really hard time picking myself up and going... and doing... and being wherever, whatever, and however I'm supposed to. Ugh.

Part of me felt like, after all Ar went through to get here for IUI, that surely this one must be "meant to be." The reality is, life doesn't work like that. My experience has told me that time and again... I don't know, I just feel very blah and down. Yesterday I hoped I'd wake up renewed and hopeful again, but not so. I just feel every bit my 40 years, and I just can't see right now how I will ever be a mom. I just can't see it. I want to - I want to believe, and while, as I've said a million times, hope does spring eternal, I feel far from that hope right now.

I just want to crawl under the covers, snuggled up with Ar, and sleep till... a long time, anyhow. Maybe until I can stop wanting things that I don't think I'm ever going to have. Ugh - why do I feel this way? Is it a sign? If so, what is it a sign of? And why do I somehow feel that everything might be a sign. It isn't. Feelings are feelings. They aren't facts. They just are what they are and they can't run my life. They don't, but sometimes I feel like letting them.

I'm still at work right now, and Ar said he's going to have a nice big mug of hot cocoa waiting for me - and hopefully a nice, big Ar hug too. I guess I'll get going into the snow and ice, and go to my safe haven.

Ladybug socks

Today was ladybug socks day, aka, IUI day. Right now, I'm relaxing, watching a Psych marathon!! You know that's right!! I love Psych! I love Psych second only to Monk. When the marathon ends, maybe I'll pop in my Monk dvds.

Anyhow, Ar got home at about 3 am this morning, in good spirits - because he is a rock star!!! And I do mean the totally awesome 80s kind of hair band rock stars - the mother of all rock stars!!! So, he slept till about 6:45 am, then got up and went to the clinic. He waited until they opened the door to him - a little before 8 am, actually, which was really nice of them! He did his thing, and he was back on the road at about 8:30 am. He did find a person there to man his booth for the first few hours. He got there safely around 1 pm or so - and now - at 9pm, he's almost done with his super long day. I hope he has extra sweet dreams tonight!!!

I went in for the IUI at 10:30 am. It went fine. It was a little more crampy feeling this time, but it still went fine. Ar's count was MUCH better this time!! Last time, his count was 1.6 million... this time, it was 11.5 million!!! Can you believe that improvement?? I was over the moon to hear it!!! I was actually worried that it would be worse, because of the lack of sleep and extra stress, but it was better!!! BETTTTTTERRR!!!! I don't know why - was last time a fluke? Or is the CoQ10 helping? Or maybe it was because we took a lovely friend's advice (based on her hubby's experience) and had him take a little longer "getting there" this morning. Normally he gets his sample done as fast as possible - he's (understandably) not a big fan of that cold little room at the clinic... but today he took more time, per friend's suggestion. In any case - it was much better, so that was exciting!!

Well, after the IUI, I laid there in my ladybug socks, missing my Ar and praying. Suddenly, I was thinking about him and me - and baby makes three... I started thinking, "the three of us... just the three of us..." I was thinking of there being three of us!! It felt real. I know this is another one of those danger areas, but it also felt good - very good. I love the sound of "the three of us." Could it happen? Could there soon be three of us? I don't know, but I hope, and I pray.

Well, afterward, I got a little lunch, and bought some flip flops. (First ones of the 2012 season - YEAH!!! They're hot pink!!!) I then came home and took a four hour nap! Mmm!!

I am still feeling pretty crampy though, so I'm just laying low - watching Psych, playing Words with Friends, and doing Facebook, and now writing this post... All in all, a good day. Hopefully I will not feel so crampy tomorrow, but if it works, I don't care how crampy I feel!!!

So, let's hope Nurse Patty got me pregnant today!!

Oh, what a day...

Today was cycle day 11. Eleven.... Eleven!!!

In related news, today - the aforementioned cycle day 11 - I began ovulating. Bleh!!!!

I went in for my u/s and had a 17mm follicle, which was great - and further along than I was last month on day 11. They did some blood work and called to tell me my LH was positive and my estradiol was good - and that instead of doing IUI on Monday - day 14 - as we'd expected, we have to do it tomorrow, day 12. Sounds ok, right? Except that darling Ar is out of town for business... he left yesterday. His producing a sample is kind of an integral part of this process... Ugh!!! We had every reason to believe IUI would be Monday. We wanted to have 4-5 days abstinence to try to help his counts, so we were together Wednesday night (day 9), thinking that would be perfect for Monday....

So, with him a five hour drive away - further complicated by the fact that we were incommunicado due to phone issues on his part - I kinda freaked out a bit, I'm ashamed to say.

I honestly thought we lost this cycle... I couldn't get a hold of him, and it's tomorrow or never (never for this cycle, anyhow - and right now this cycle is all I've got, you know.)

So... freak out. At work. Probably no one else knew, but I did.

Anyhow, Ar was able to get a new phone there - so we were finally able to talk, and I'm like hyperventilating as I tell him what's going on... thinking this whole cycle is shot! He calmly and without hesitation tells me he'll drive home tonight after his show closes (at 9/9:30 pm). He tells me to get him the earliest possible appointment for tomorrow morning - he'll do his thing, and drive the five hours back. His show opens tomorrow at 10 am.

I cannot tell you how much I love him. I started crying, because I just felt in such a dither. Maybe none of it seems that awful to read about, but I thought this whole cycle was just shot... An awful feeling - and the uncertainty only lasted a few hours, I suppose, but it felt like forever.

Well, I called the clinic and they are booked up till about 10 am... I begged and pleaded, and begged and pleaded some more, for them to squeeze him in... I'd already been telling the nurse this morning that he was out of town, but that he would be back in time for Monday. After being on and off hold for what felt like forever, they came back and said they could squeeze him in if he's there first thing in the morning - which is 8 am for them. So, we took it. Unfortunately, that will only give Ar about an hour and a half to get to his show, but he says to not worry about it... he will find someone to man our booth - and he will be here.

Ohhh - this man, he amazes me. He never hesitated. See, the thing is, Ar is VERY hard working and dedicated. This is his own business - and it's only him doing it (and me in support), so he doesn't have paid time off, he doesn't have back-up, and it's just really not easy to be flexible... And, frankly, we need the money from it, of course. For him, it's no work - no pay.

BUT, he will be here. He'll drive through the night (ugh!!) after working all day, and do his thing, and drive back, and work all day.... I love him so much, I just feel overwhelmed - I can't believe him, he's amazing.

So, anyhow, we're set for IUI, I guess. It's 10:09 pm here, and he just left. It's snowing, so it may take more than five hours. I always worry about his drives. Anyhow...

Well, after settling all that this afternoon, I called the nurse back because I wanted a little affirmation to settle my nerves. I wanted to review things. She was so sweet... she was very encouraging about my levels today, and very empathetic about the craziness. I said something like, "Yeah, and now I'm a little worried, after all this, that my nerves are going to ruin my follicle and end ovulation!" She said, "Trust me, if stress actually had anything to do with conception, NO ONE would get pregnant - ever!" Wow!!! Seriously, I almost started crying at her words!!! People sooooo love to tell us infertility is all because of stress and to just relax, right. So to hear a nurse tell me that was like.... WOW!!! She then said, "Just think of the story you can tell this kid about how much you wanted him..." TEARS!!! I mean, I know that was just a thing to say - there are no guarantees, but it made me believe this could really happen!! Part of me knows that's a danger sign, and a set up for greater disappointment - but the other part of me knows that hope is still always the better choice!!! I liked her words, very much!

Oh, and she also told me to go home and have a glass of wine tonight, if I feel like it and to just take care of myself. I said "really?" and almost started crying again... She said, "yes - just have a glass if you want and take it easy - then we'll take care of the rest." If I could hug through a phone line, you know I would have.

Actually, that conversation was all a little too good to be true.... I'm starting to wonder if I was really talking to anyone at all - or if I just imagined it all.

But, I did my hCG shot at 8 pm. Now I'm savoring a smallish glass of wine, waiting for my dearest, and hoping for the best.

Good Gravy!!!

This post is not about gravy, so if you came here looking for a good gravy recipe, I'm sorry to disappoint. It's just that I used to know someone who said, "good gravy!" instead of "good grief!" Kind of odd, but it was one of his things and it just popped into my mind. Heaven forbid I should not expound on every little thing that pops into my head!! Actually, sometimes I wish I would - but ohhhhhh, the trouble I'd get in...

Anyhow, I have been thinking about grief because I recently read a very thoughtful and well-written blog post talking about grief. In her case, she's referring to her miscarriages. This is a grief I do not know, as I've never been pregnant.

Therein lies the source of my grief, of course.

Well, she talked about the famous five stages of grief, a bit. We all have heard of them in our psych classes, I'm sure:

• Denial (this isn't happening to me!)
  
• Anger (why is this happening to me?)
  
• Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)
  
• Depression (I don't care anymore)
  
• Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)

Generally, I see these associated with the grief over loss of a loved one. In fact, the author of this theory originally based it on her research into people who were, themselves, dying.

I realized as I read her post that I literally go through this very process on a monthly basis, as I deal with IF. It wasn't mind shattering, but it was a quiet acknowledgment of the grief I spoke of a few posts ago.... the grief of a BFN. The grief over a visit from AF. The grief over seeing a happy family with lovely children - or even simply reading a blog post or a Facebook status referring to happy family life.

Ar is my family, and we are happy. As I'm sure you've noticed if you've read much of my blog, I'm crazy in love with him. But therein lies that problem - I want so much to have his children, our children. I was reading a blog today of a lovely woman, who is married to my dear, dear friend's brother. I looked at her pictures and read her sweet, funny words - and through the parts about their kids, I see so much of my friend's brother in those kids. (I don't really know her, so I can't really see that part of them as much, though I know it's there, of course.) Point being, it made me just burst into weepy tears (it's amazing that I never run out of tears) because they are all just precious and lovely, and and and.... I could attempt to eloquently wax philosophical here, but the bottom line is... I WANT!!!!!

Some wants I feel bad about, knowing they're temporary or superficial. This want... this want is noble and lovely, right? This want is a God given desire, and the most basic and natural of wants - my body is supposed to be able to do this. I don't even have the luxury of telling myself I'm just a petty and jealous person and to just get over it. I mean, I probably am jealous and petty, but not about this. No, in this case it's just love. Love for Ar, and love for our kids who, though, I've never known them, somehow my heart already loves them fiercely. Ugh!

It's known that the stages of grief aren't necessarily chronological stages, and that one can become stuck in the stages. For me, I do seem to go through the stages (maybe adding anxiety in there), but with IF, the cycle restarts itself every - single - month.

Sometimes more often than that - sometimes it barely takes anything at all to kick that off again, like reading a blog or seeing a cool family out somewhere...

Yes, I do often reach a point of acceptance, but only for that cycle. That's when I have to suck it up and start again. This cycle, I'm already on CD6. Tonight will be my 5th night of shots for this cycle. I've accepted the BFN and have started back up again. I've lost count of how many cycles it's been, but you can refer to my TTC ticker at the top of this blog to see how long we've been "trying."

So my question is, will I ever actually experience acceptance? If I have a kid, probably - I'll never forget the prolonged trauma - but I'll consider myself a survivor. Is that acceptance? If I don't have a kid - and let's face it, the odds are against me - I'll still be a survivor, but will I ever truly accept childlessness? I guess I'd have to define what acceptance even truly means to me in that context. I don't have the answer to that. The description of the stages that I pasted above uses the phrase, "I'm ready for whatever comes." I do feel that one way or another, I'll survive. My life is full of love, faith, and good things - I'll be ok, but I can't see how I'll ever feel whole. Or maybe I should say, I can't see how I'll ever not feel this hole.

Back to the beginning

Inigo Montoya: I am waiting for you, Vizzini. You told me to go back to the beginning. So I have. This is where I am, and this is where I’ll stay. I will NO BE MOVED!!

Brute Squad member: But the Prince gave orders...

Inigo: — So did Vizzini — when a job went wrong, you go back to the beginning.... And this is where we got the job, so it’s the beginning, and I’m staying till Vizzini comes.

Inigo: I - am - waiting - for - Vizzini...

Fezzik: You surely are a meanie....

Inigo: It's you!

Fezzik: True....

:-)

Anyhow, we too are back to the beginning. This is where I am, but this is not where I will stay...

Today is CD2. I went in for my ultrasound this morning - everything looked great, so we are good to go.

My RE apparently really liked the way I responded last time, so he's keeping me on the same dosage, and same plan etc... part of me hoped for an increased dosage because, well.... more always seems better, right? On the other hand, the injectibles sure are expensive, so I'm glad that he was happy with the same dose. (We've used about half of our lifetime allowance of insurance coverage for infertility.) Anyhow, I start taking the shots tomorrow night.

We picked up some CoQ10 vitamins for Ar tonight, which is supposed to help with sperm count and motility. Hopefully his counts will be better this month.

Hopefully this month will be THE month.

Hope really does spring eternal, eh?

An Ode to my Valentine

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
infertility makes me crazy,
yet I remain, steadfastly, hooked on you!!!

Happy Valentine's Day to my beloved Ar - and to you, dear friends!!! This is such a difficult road, and the outcome is never assured - yet, I pray to never lose sight of the love that is already mine... the love of an amazing man, the love of friends and family, and the love of God - who gave love a face and gave love a name. I am so thankful!!!

So in honor of love, whether Valentine's Day or not, I give you a fantastic love song to enjoy - one which is meaningful enough to me that it's long been quoted in my blog subtitle description thingy area somewhere up there ▲....



♥ ♥

Greener grasses

I'm so happy to be home, just so happy. Although I didn't know when we scheduled it that my girls' weekend would coincide with having to POAS, I need to be sure to avoid that sort of timing in the future - if at all possible. I tried the best I could to be relatively normal, but the truth is, I was sad..... profoundly sad, and it's hard to not show that. Xanax helped... I hadn't had to take Xanax since the one in August, and before that in May for my flight back from Honduras. But I took several this weekend, because it was my only way to not completely ruin everything.

Lesson learned, avoid this sort of scheduling. There was no time whatsoever to grieve and process things. I need to grieve and process. I need to just be and not try to perform. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends, and I know they love me - I mean no disrespect - and I did have some laughs and some nice times, but all I could really feel underneath was this profound sadness - emptiness - that I couldn't really release and I couldn't really ignore, I certainly can't just turn it off. Would that it were so. Plus, there were a million reminders of my infertility, every time I turned around. Infertility is such a difficult grief to share with people who don't live it, who don't feel that particular brand of emptiness, and that fight against time - which, for me, is a fight I am losing.

Worst of all, I couldn't be as supportive as I'd want to be about things like the issues and pressures of raising small children. I am generally an empathetic and compassionate person, but it's very difficult on this subject, as it's my deepest desire to just have the chance to face these same issues. I feel like it's as if I were paralyzed and my friend was sharing how much her legs ache from running, or something like that... I would imagine that paralyzed person would care deeply about her friend, but would be distracted by how incredibly much she would give just to have legs that could run - and ache. Oh for the opportunity to ache. Yep, the grass is always greener, I suppose, but give me that chance please.

Anyhow, I guess my lack of supportiveness makes me a very bad friend, though I used to always think I was a good friend, but it's so hard. I am simply and profoundly sad right now, and I just can't empathize on that level right now. I'm so sorry for that, but I can't just turn it on or off, no matter how much I wish I could.

Well, after our 3 hour ride back, I dropped off my dear friend and quickly proceeded to cry and utter nonsense blubbering to the Lord, the rest of the way to our place - and more or less the rest of the night. Poor Ar, I even lost it on him a little.

My heart just hurts. I suppose that is ok. I need to grieve this cycle - another lost cycle. I kept taking my lovely progesterone suppositories through Saturday, because I knew that I could not handle getting my period on this trip - that would have sent me right over. I didn't take any today though, so hopefully AF will come soon - and we'll start up again. So I will grieve, I will let this cycle go, and then prepare again, as there "is a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away...." (Ecclesiastes 3:4 -6)

Someday soon, it may be time to give up - but not today.

Love and gratitude to you, my friends, for your prayers and support. I realize that no matter how much I treasure my oldest and dearest friends, I would be lost without the support and understanding of fellow journey-women, who I would not even know were it not for this IF monster. I guess it's like the old girl scouts song, "make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold." I pray I can be a better friend in the future though, to my old friends, despite how broken I feel. ♥

The envelope please...

...and the winner is.... definitely not me. I did my POAS this morning, and it was a big, freakin, fat negative.

Then I went back to bed. I did tell Ar, who was still asleep and couldn't quite pull out of the sleep, but he did hear me and give me some love pats. He has a big weekend of work, so I didn't want to wake him up. I didn't really want to talk anyhow. I just laid there staring at the ceiling. I eventually just fell back asleep too, where I dreamed about the BFN and that I was sobbing and sobbing about it. When I woke up, I still hadn't cried though... I just feel --- empty. Very empty, like this dull pain is just permeating my body, leaving it devoid of everything else.

Empty - that is how I feel.

Ahh, but that is only a feeling, an important feeling, but I am, in fact, not empty. I'm not. I'm full of cells, and bones, and blood, and organs, and tears, and love, and hurt, and disappointment, and hopes, and dreams, and what-ifs. But right now I just want to sleep it all away.

I can't - I have to get my behind in gear for the girls' weekend. I'm supposed to leave in 25 minutes, and I'm still in my robe. I just want to stay in bed though! I love my friends, but I just want to stay in bed.

Sweet Ar already had to leave for his work. It was hard, especially because I did start crying right before he left, he was being so sweet to me. I just want to be in bed, next to him.

Breathe in, breathe out.

I was thinking though, that - well, at least I did it. I got through my first cycle back - and that's something, right? I had some bad days, everyone does, but overall, I did ok. I'm thankful, so thankful, for that. I knew the peace that passes all understanding, throughout much of this cycle. I pray for the Lord to fill me with that peace now, to fill me, rather than me making myself stay empty.

I know why I'd rather stay empty - theoretically, it might hurt less. Allowing the grief to wash over us is so painful, sometimes empty sounds better. I don't think it is better though, so please, please, Lord - fill me with your peace, your strength, because I am not nearly as strong as I once thought I was. And thank you for bringing me through this cycle.

Well, I best get ready for my weekend. I don't feel ready to face it, but here it is anyhow.

"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." (Psalm 34:18)

Plodding along

Plod, plod, plod... the first week of this two week wait went fairly quickly. I tried not to think too much about it, and mostly I was ok with that. I felt calm and full of belly rubbing goodness. This second week has been a bit tougher, I must admit.

Monday I felt horrid - my back was killing me, and I had a horrible pit in my stomach that just grew bigger and bigger until it wanted to burst out my tear ducts, like a monstrous sobbing alien bent on destroying all of God's great earth!! I couldn't let that rotten alien win though, mostly because I was at work... good thing, about that, I guess. That night Ar and I went to buy our first ever smart phones. It was such a ridiculous experience in some ways, that Ar just made me crack up. Mind you, this is because he was so ticked at what the phone store was trying to pull on us, that it became hysterically laughable. BUT, now we have smart phones!!! Now if only we were smart enough to know how to use them...

Anyhow, Tuesday I was slightly less emotional and anxious, but that may only be because I was in so much pain from my back - I was practically bent over with no hopes of straightening up. That happens once in a while when the wicked AF is almost in town, which seems another bad sign to me, on top of that pimple. But, my IF friends are telling me that these can also be signs of pregnancy. Ok.

Today has been better. My back is - thankfully - much better, but I'm just dead tired and dragging, and have this nagging worry wort in my brain hammering at me a bit. And looming in front of me is the thought of the girls weekend this weekend, which I'm somewhat certain I'm likely to ruin, because I'm somewhat certain I'll be getting a BFN on Friday morning, and I'm somewhat certain I might lose it, if I really do... Of course, these are some of my oldest and very dearest of friends, and they care very much about me, even if they can't completely relate to all of the intensity and anxiety involved. It's just that we don't often get a chance to all just get together and hang for any length of time, so I don't want to be a big sobbing ball of crazy...

Generally, after a BFN, I'd want to just lay low, but there's never truly good timing for anything when you're going through IF treatment. One can't let it control. I've been looking forward to this weekend, but always with that cloud. I can't pretend the cloud isn't there, but maybe we can coexist, right? I don't have to totally beat it down; I just have to not let it take control.

Besides, this is all assuming I'm a BFN, which I'm assuming because every sign for AF is here, and because the odds of success on this cycle are quite low - but it could be a BFP.

I have not yet peed on anything. I'm still waiting until the appointed time.

Deep breath, deep breath.

It is so crazy, the ups and downs... I know the hormones and drugs don't help, in what would be a very emotional time, anyhow.

Breathe.... breathe contentment in..... breathe anxiety out...., contentment in..... anxiety out.....

By the way, my new smart phone just beeped. I have no idea what all the beeps are for.... I don't see anything that it's notifying me of. Sigh.

Say, I wonder if there's an app for peeing on a stick? Hmm, now that would be interesting.

Well, time will tell. I have tonight, all day tomorrow, and when I wake up Friday morning, we will see. One way or another, it will be ok. I really do mean that. I'm worried because I'm emotional and wanting this so much, but it will be ok. I - I will be ok. God will still be God - and will still be so very good. Ar will still be absolutely, inexplicably, crazy about me - and me him, my girls' weekend will be full of cookie dough, laughs, and the love of dear friends. I will be ok.

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." (John 14:27)

PIMPLE!!!!

I always get a pimple a few days or so before that wicked Auntie Flo shows up.

Today, I woke up with a pimple.

That is all.

One week down...

Ahh, it's half-way through the two-week wait. I seem to remember this wait being a lot worse, last time. It's not too bad this time, overall. I had the one bad day, which I wrote about last time. Otherwise, other than having to use those lovely progesterone inserts, it's not too bad. I find myself just not knowing if it worked or not. Now, of course I don't know, but many times we are convinced we do know, one way or another. I find myself just moving along, and not thinking much, or guessing much about it. I honestly don't know if it will have worked or not. Kinda strange, but it helps me feel somewhat stable emotionally, which is nice. I keep thinking, I need to pick up the pregnancy tests, but I still haven't even done that. Hmm. My stability in emotion strikes me as odd.... With all the emotional ups and downs of this whole journey, it is kind of strange. But I'm not going to worry about that one. It's kind of a refreshing change.

Oh, also, just today, I saw that a couple girls wrote in one of my Facebook IF groups that they'd gotten pregnant from IUI before!!! So that was encouraging!! Usually people seem to speak so down about IUI, even though it obviously does work!

Well, I guess I don't have much to report. My breasts are a bit tender, but nothing major. I've been quite hungry - I don't know if these are all related to the progesterone, or not.

Well, this qualifies as a thoroughly boring post, now doesn't it? Hmm, well then, just be grateful I'm keeping it short for a pleasant change. :-)