Unknown blessings

"Give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way."
(Native American saying)

Here we are in that lovely time of year between Thanksgiving and Christmas. So far I haven't found myself dreading the holidays, as I have many times in my infertile past. This may change, but so far, so good....

Thanksgiving was really nice this year! We drove six hours down to Wisconsin, hauling a cooler full of mashed potatoes, coconut macaroons, and Oreo Truffles (mmm!!!!), to spend time with my family and friends. It was a good time, but it was hard coming back. I am so ready to move back to Wisconsin, if only we could - so that part was hard. However, the holiday was really nice and I didn't freak out about IF, so that was good. Sometimes it's just the lack of freaking out that feels like victory - isn't that funny?

Anyhow, I really am thankful for so much! Despite the constant loss of that which I've never had, I know full well that I have been blessed tremendously.

But do I have the faith and courage to give thanks for unknown blessings? Do I believe they are already on their way? Am I ok with the possibility that they may not look like the blessings I want? Ahhh, these are some questions for me to ponder. Or maybe I should just step out in faith, because I know that our Heavenly Father is most certainly faithful!!

In sort of related news, on Facebook this week, someone wrote the following to me,

"Lees, you ARE a mother. You are just a mother without a child yet." And, "It's true, Lees. I honestly feel that way about IF sisters. We are mothers without children. It's in our hearts and just waiting to swing into action. That's why it's all so devastating to us that we can't get the child or get the child to stay here on earth with us. Who could be a better mother than one who has pleaded and begged for years, sometimes decades to add a child to their life. If you feel that strongly about it, it's already in you. Because, think about it, not all women want kids, and that's OK. But we're already mothers just waiting and waiting - and WAITING!"

That thought really struck a chord with me. Mothers in waiting....

As I write this post, this one song keeps coming to mind...

"You can thank the Father, for the things that he has done - thank him for the things he's yet to do.... and if you find a love that's tender, if you find someone who's true, thank the Lord - he's been doubly good to you."

Hmm, he has indeed been doubly good to me!!

A happy visit???

Well, I'm not sure happy is exactly the word.... but considering the circumstances, I was actually kinda happy when good ole AF showed up today - finally! It was probably the first time since I started this nightmare, errrrr, "journey," that AF's arrival didn't reduce me to weepy tears. A true sign that miracles really never do cease.

Tomorrow I'll go in to get some more blood work done at 8 am. I'm guessing that my still being up at 2 am is going to make me regretful tomorrow morning... Or later this morning, as it were. So, this is a shorty just to say AF is here, and I'm oddly pleased! It means I get to take the next step. And I'm oddly excited about that. It's good to feel excited about it again. I don't know what tomorrow, next month or next year will bring - but for now, I am happy and excited. So, one day at a time, step by step....

Nasty old lady!

After five and a half years of working like clockwork, that nasty old AF seems to want to start playing tricks on me again. As of now, I'm three days late. I am waiting for day 2, so I can go back into RE for more labs. Once I do that, then Ar and I will meet with the doc and discuss next steps - and find out our test results. But so far, AF is a no-show. In retrospect, I didn't mind so much when this happened last month, because truly I think it was the jolt I needed to get back into treatment. This month, however, it's just a hold-up.

Perhaps AF hasn't heard that I'm not getting any younger. Sigh, or maybe she has...

So, the delay of treatment aside, I'm a bit worried that perhaps I'm reverting back to my old PCOS ways... I used to never get my period - maybe 3 times a year, 4 tops. The last five plus years have been different, which has been encouraging. As much as I hate AF, when I get it regularly, as I have been, at least I feel like maybe my body is sort of working (somewhat) correctly - and that is encouraging.

So more waiting.

This morning I prayed for help to find a way to better fill the waiting. I don't necessarily even mean something more to do, but just to be more intentional in my waiting, I suppose. I recognize that I may be waiting forever, so I shouldn't squander it.

I also prayed for you. That is, if you're one of the 3 or 4 people who I know might read my little blog. ❤

For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. (Ephesians 3:14-21)

RE: back to my RE

This is just a quick update here. I've been struggling with a killer headache and neck kink the last day and a half, or so... It's kind of been knocking me out a bit, so I'll be heading to bed early again, tonight. But I really wanted to write down about my visit to the RE yesterday.

On the morning of, I was a bundle of nerves, of course. I was so afraid that the RE would tell me that I was too old or too fat to help. But Ar and I went for a nice lunch and talked a lot about our trip to Utila this past May. So that was nice talk and helped me feel calmer.

As for the visit, it was all good!! Dr. Damario essentially feels we should pick up where I left off 23 months ago - which would be IUI w/ injections, instead of Clomid. I'm nervous about the injections, as I hadn't done them before - but I think it'll be ok.

Since it's been almost two full years since my last treatment, he wants to do labs over, which I expected. So that's all fine. He did an ultrasound, since I was in the office. It's been a while since Mr. Wand and I have hung out together - but surprisingly, it was like riding a bike, as they say. Guess I'll have to get used to that again! Anyhow, the ultrasound was fine too - everything looked good.

Also, he was completely ok when I explained that my break from treatment took so long because of panic attacks etc. He now knows I'm on meds for that, and that I'm getting therapy - and doing well. He says that it's not unusual and that he's successfully treated many other women in this situation.

I felt so relieved!!! He's so nice and encouraging. As he was leaving, I told him that I was afraid he was going to turn me away because I was too old and fat and anxious.... He just chuckled and said, "No... you're fine - and we'll be here for you every step of the way."

He actually told me that "PCOS women have a lot of fertility potential - it just needs to be channeled better." I said, "I think that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me."

Next step: Thursday, Ar and I will go back in to the clinic. Ar will have to do another semenalysis, and I'll do some labs. On day 2 (in about 8 days), I'll go in for more labs - and then we'll go back to talk w/ the Doc., and review everything. Assuming all is well, which I am assuming, maybe I can do an IUI in December! We'll see.

So.... my first big step back was so far, so good!! Thank you, Lord!!!!

Get busy living....

or get busy dying....

As I wrote in my last post, we've decided to go back and see our RE. That appointment is on Monday. I have a surprising sense of peace about this decision. I don't know what the outcome will be, any more than I ever did, but I still find myself ready to face it for the first time in a very long time. My eyes are wider open, I have more emotional support and resources, and other areas of our lives are less stressful than they were the first time around. I hope these things make a difference to my attitude and response to the stress. I think they will, regardless of the outcome. I also have to choose that they will.

What I know from my "very late" experience last month, is that I really want to have a kiddo with Ar. I just do. I always knew that, of course, but I know it even more now. It's a heart desire - and that heart desire is a blessing in so many ways! It's also a curse, it seems, at times. Last month I allowed myself to believe it, to feel it. The joy of expectation and belief was indescribable. The disappointment was beyond brutal, but it left me with such clarity. I realized that I want this enough to face the ugly again. Last time, I didn't know how very ugly ugly could get... Last time, I went forward because I thought I had no choice. Now, this is my choice - I choose to go forward. Eyes wide open. Still hand in hand with the most amazing man in the world, but hopefully a little wiser in our travels.

None of this means anything to our outcome, of course, but I don't believe I can live with myself if we don't try. That's where all these last months, the panic, the anxiety, the wonder, the waffling, the waiting, the whys, the roller coasters... this is what it all tells me. It's time to move forward. I know better than ever that it may not happen. I may have to live childless. It will not be my choice, but what I can choose is to try.

So now, we wait.

So much of this journey is waiting, isn't it? Waiting and waiting - often hurrying up, just to wait some more. I wonder how much would all of our waiting add up to? And what should I be doing while I wait? In my recent past, much of that waiting has been filled with anxiety. This last week and a half, since I made the RE appointment, I can't say my waiting has been particularly productive, but at least it hasn't been anxious. But still, I can't help but feel the weeks, months, and years have passed by willy-nilly as I waited for my next cycle, my next opportunity. What can I do or be to to better use this waiting time? I'll have to think on that.

And so that quote from one of my favorite movies, Shawshank Redemption, keeps coming to mind, "Get busy living, or get busy dying." So much of IF feels like neither living, nor dying. Sometimes it feels more like dying. But it's not - unless we choose to let it be that way. Oh, Lord, help me remember that.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. Jesus came that we may have life and have it abundantly. (John 10:10)

IF is a mighty talented thief, isn't it? So can we be IF and still live abundantly? I mean, all the way abundantly - not the half abundant life many of us probably live... I can't be the only one that feels like she's been living two lives, can I? One happy-go-lucky, fun, fulfilling life, full of love - and one sad, anxious, fretting, scared, scarred, bitter, and empty life? Both are valid, both are real. What I wonder is, can I have one - one - abundant life, even while dealing with the angst of IF? I can't answer that from experience, but I believe that scripture would most certainly say so - and so does my heart, when I'm at peace.

You're perfect just the way you are....

...I wouldn't change you if I could...

That's the first song we danced to as hubby and missus, six years ago today.

It's been a heck of a six years - but after all we've been through, we have been through it together. Together! I'm certain there are not many lovelier words in all the world than "together."

I still wouldn't change him if I could. He is a prince among men, and my sheltering tree... We hurt for that which we do not have, but there is absolutely no doubt how grateful I am for this gift I've been given. It's pure grace.

Happy six years to us!!!

On the brink of a new married year together, it seems appropriate that we're again taking new (new old) steps forward. It just feels right. It doesn't feel like going backward, but definitely forward. I don't know what will happen, or where these steps will lead, but it's right to take them right now. I'm so glad I have Ar to take them with me!!! Today I made an appointment with my RE, for October 31. We'll see what he has to say. Either way, I won't be in it alone.

I feel at peace about it.

Now please enjoy a little Ricky Skaggs, in honor of darling Ar and me. :-)

The art of losing what you never had

This morning I woke up with AF. As much as that sucks to me, because I was secretly hoping I was one of the rare ones who gets a false negative blood test, I was glad that I got the blood test results last night - it made this morning's nightmare a little easier. Every night for the past week, I've been laying in bed imagining the good kind of what-if.... thinking, wondering, happy thoughts, you know. So that was one more reason to love my doctor - she sends me horrible news test results at 9:30 pm.

Needless to say, today was a very difficult day.

Thankfully, I had therapy scheduled tonight, more good timing! It was good just to talk and process the grief a bit. The grief over losing something I never had. As I talked, I realized that I may be ready to start treatment again. I've been on a longer break than I'd anticipated. Treatment was so hard - I was never so miserable than that time - and then we took a break. Then the panic attacks came, then a bunch of weight came. So... it's hard to want to go back there, but this last week of actually believing I was pregnant made me realize how incredibly much I want this.

I guess it all comes down to this: is the potential outcome worth the potential risk?

It really may never happen for us, but can I live without trying more? Is my fear so great that it'll stop me from taking the next step? Does that sound like something the bravest person in the world would do?

All that is well and good to inspire me, but the reality is that I'm forty, I'm fat, and IF treatment sent me spiraling into panic attacks before. I'm probably not the best candidate, so who knows if a clinic will even see me? In the spirit of nothing ventured, nothing gained, I just took a big step; I just emailed my GP doc telling her I'm ready to get back on the nightmarish IF treatment road again, if it's possible. We'll see what she says.

BFN

Still no AF today, so I went in for blood test today at 5:45 pm. At 9:30 pm they already had the results. Negative, of course. It shouldn't be a surprise. So why am I sitting here sobbing? Why did I have to ask Ar about daycare today? He works his own business, mostly on the weekends, so we were discussing him being with baby most weekdays. I thought how nice that would be for him... how wonderful he'd be!! How I'd come home every day for lunch... Why can't I just get it through my big, fat, stupid head - this is not going to happen for me!!! How many times can my heart be broken? I'm living in this nowhere land - never giving up and somehow never really believing, but definitely never giving up... How could I let myself believe this time? I actually feel pregnant. How can I let myself believe that? It just feels too much to bear right now. AF is cruel enough when she's regular - how can she be so cruel as to do this?

Dream, dream, dream... dreeeee-eee-eam...

So today is day 37 and AF is nowhere in sight. In the last five years, AF has been like clockwork. Morning of day 29 is the latest about 98% of the time! I've had just about two times when I went to day 30. Anyhow, as of yesterday, I've taken three pregnancy tests - all negative.

Some IF friends told me to contact the doctor, so I emailed my GP, who I think is awesome! Unfortunately, she's out of the office today. However, a nurse wrote back and basically said that there are many reasons for late period, including stress, cold/flu, and changes in diet/exercise. She said that I shouldn't rush to conclusions, but if I miss a second one to make an appointment. We'll see what my doc says though. I always feel like this nurse sort of blows me off. Like, when I finally acknowledged and gathered up the guts to email about my panic attacks in the spring, this same nurse blew it off, but my doc didn't.

Anyhow, I wrote back and said that I'm considerably less stressed than normal, of late, I don't have the cold/flu, and there have been no changes in diet/exercise... And that after TTC for almost 6 years, and going through incredible stress during it, this is the first time I have been late like this. So, we'll see what my doctor says. I'm sure it's just a fluke; I can't possibly be pregnant, right? Right!! Or could I? I mean, it's not impossible...

Meantime, I found myself this nice web page where all these women were talking about missed periods, negative home pregnancy tests, and negative blood tests - and then eventually confirming they were pregnant via ultrasound, at like 10 weeks or something. So, my stupid brain was reeling w/ these thoughts last night as I laid down... bad Heather, very, very bad Heather!!!!! (That's me, in case you were wondering! :-) )

I've also been having crazy dreams lately. The other night I dreamed that I was eating salt by the tablespoon full, straight from the blue Morton's salt container - and enjoying it very much. Then Ar walked in and said, "Hey babe!" I replied, w/ salt falling down my face, and holding up the salt container for him to see, "How much sodium do you think this stuff has?" Then I cracked up laughing about what I said - so hard that tears started falling...

I also dreamed the next night that I'd found a baby and thought she looked like Ar.

Last night I dreamed that Mike McCarthy (head coach of the very awesome Green Bay Packers) sent me a Packers onesie! It was adorable, but I was kind of angry with him for it because I felt he should have known I'm IF and how painful that is. After all, he lived down the street from me (in my dream). However, I couldn't set the onesie down, even though I was so mad about it - I just kept, sort of, hugging it to me... Bad, stupid brain!!!!!!

Please, Lord.

And yet........

I just took a pregnancy test. I couldn't resist. Despite how much I knew it had to be negative, all the way to work this morning, and so often throughout the day, I just kept turning back to it... that what if? After all, what if?

Well, not a big surprise, but it was negative. It's day 32. I should have waited.

And yet.... I also know that I'll take another one in the morning, being that first thing in the morning is the best time to test, right?

Why can't I just stop? Why does it always comes back?