A little happy heart hurt

We went on our annual family vacation in the Wisconsin north woods, this past week. If you've already read my other blog Boy and a girl..., or looked on Facebook, or talked to me, or... have psychic abilities, you already know this. You probably also know that I really had a great time. There was really no family drama to speak of, which is wonderful! Maybe we're all growing up... who knows. ☺

It was a very nice time, a happy time!

Sometimes happy makes the heart hurt, though. It was a little bit hurt from joy - at least that's what it stemmed from. See, I adore my niblings - I adore them ever so much.

It's always wonderful to spend time with them... they live, as does the rest of my family, about six hours away, so times together are too few and too short. Being up north together seems to be the best of our times together. The trip really was wonderful - completely wonderful!

So why the hurt heart? Well, see, my nephew really adores my dear Ar.  (Who can blame him??) They are kindred spirits, I do believe. Both my niblings are always so happy when Ar is around - but especially my nephew. He follows Ar around everywhere. He even got his own awesome hat, to be more like Ar. It's truly a lovely and heartwarming thing.

And heartbreaking. Incredibly heartbreaking.

Oh how I wish, how I wish, how I wish....

Week 34 of Photo 52: Face in the Crowd 

This was Ar's catch, and nephew helped him with the net. 

Now, on this next one, they had caught the same bass...

Nephew caught one off the pier, but it was too big and snapped his line. He was hoping to catch it again because it was that nice. A bit later, Ar snagged a similar looking bass... and it just so happened to have nephew's hook that he's just lost in it!! That's what they're looking at in this photo. These two awesome fishermen were over the moon about catching the same bass. Aren't they adorable!?!?

Oh yes, it made my heart so happy.

And so very, very sad.

How I wish.

Dark, and not very humorous, humor

Wanna know something funny?  I haven't told anyone else this yet, but it's pretty HI-larious!!

About a week and a half ago, I had some spotting. I very rarely ever have spotting, though it happened one other time recently too. Both times, because I'm not a very fast learner, it occurred to me that it might be implantation bleeding.  Get it? Implantation bleeding!!!  Good one, huh? I actually pictured myself telling Ar, this very week after AF would surely fail to show and I surely would get a BFP, that we finally made it there...  how weird am I?

Sorry, I suppose my IF humor isn't very humorous at all... but I have to try to poke fun at myself.  It's better than all the alternatives, which still happen, but laughing at myself does help.

Implantation bleeding.  Ahh, that's funny stuff. Like this old girl has any hope of having kiddies.  Ah well.

No, instead, AF decided to show up the very day we're heading for vacation - today. And that, my friends, is AF's dark humor. AF always gets the last laugh.

Anyhow, such is life. At least I didn't tumble out of a booth this week...  Oh wait...  I did - here it is, in case you haven't been reading my new blog - the one about new: Strange, but true.

Not that I'm feeling particularly whimsical, but I'm behind on posting my Photo 52 photos. I'm mostly going to post them over in the new blog now, I think, but this one makes me feel a little lighter at heart, so here is one from a few weeks ago, which I haven't posted in blog-land yet.

Week 29, Photo 52: Whimsy

I wish I could have had the time to circle around this adorable, whimsical statue to shoot it from different angles - but I was with a group of friends, who aren't as patient as Ar is at waiting for me to take a zillion photos of one subject, so I had to shoot and run. I do like the reflections though, and that all those cute duckies are in there... Aren't they too cute!? The photo could be better, but the statue is just wonderful!!

The road long traveled

Some days I feel like I just might make it through the rubble... some days I trust that I won't always have to feel so sad... so thoroughly broken. Some days, I can acknowledge the grief and the triggers, but am able to cope - to keep going, to keep smiling... to believe that the road long traveled is still leading somewhere worth going.

Then there are all the too many other days. The days that I just don't know how I can keep acting normal and functional, when I feel so horrible - so completely wrecked. Days when I have no energy and no motivation to even think about coping, and when I'm woefully sure there is absolutely nothing new or good under the sun for poor me. Days when something so small and seemingly harmless can completely derail me, and when the bend seems to be merely a far off mirage.

These days, when my heart just hurts so much that it extends to my tummy and every muscle in my body, the only solution seems to be to crawl into our bed and hide, which is too frequently not an option.

I don't even know what the difference is between the days. Am I really that mentally unstable? Probably! With a few heavy dashes of wrecked.

Week 28 of Photo 52: Rustic

Still, somehow, somewhere deep inside, I know that whether I walk, skip, trudge - or even crawl a couple inches at a time before lying face-down in the dirt for a while - the only way remains forward.  But not now, now is the time for that bed.