Still here

While I have been a bit MIA from my blog, rumors of my having run off to join the circus are grossly exaggerated. In fact, I am still here and still ridiculously unable to become with child. I wonder if the circus has a place for sad old infertiles?? Hmm, something to look into...

Anyhow, August has been super busy - mostly with vacationing, but work has also been quite busy. Now here we are, already nearing the end of summer - though it feels like it only just began. The signs are all here though: football is almost back in full swing and my Facebook newsfeed is brimming full of posts about every kid's first, last - or somewhere in betweenth - day of school. My, but don't they grow up fast? Indeed! Indeed if I had a dollar for every time I've read that in the last couple weeks, I'd probably be able to pay off my RE bill... Sigh. Well, I am happy, sad, excited, and bittersweet - or whatever my friends want me to be for them - in their children's next step in life. It's just.....

It's just that I so wish I could experience any of it. It's so hard to sit back and watch it all. It's hard to sympathize as much as I'd like with empty-nesters (at my age, I have friends with kids in every developmental stage), because here I am with a never-filled nest. I would so rather deal with a newly empty nest, than a never-filled nest. Wouldn't you?

Well, anyhow, the vacations (one fishing weekend with Ar and his daughters, and one week in the north woods with my family) had their very positive moments, but in all honestly, they were both more tough on me, than not. Most of this I will blame on infertility. Well, ok, actually, I should woman-up and admit that it was all my fault... After all, I'm the one who let infertility get to me. That statement just made me laugh (my sad, bitter laugh, that is) - I mean, how does infertility not get to you, you know? Anyhow, I became overwhelmed with my own loss and inability, and I let the abundant amount of mommy talk and the presence of children, who only remind me of what I cannot ever be, get to me.

As I've said about one million and three times in this blog and otherwise, I'm so grateful for what I have, but I have been given so much love that I just long to love more. I long to share this love. I'm ever so grateful, yet I long for more. Does that make sense? Honestly, I don't think anyone who knows me longer than five minutes would think I'm an ungrateful person. Yes, contentment and longing surely can and do thrive in my little ole heart.

Well, that's all for now. It's been a tough, yet also sweet, few weeks. There are some things I'm not quite ready to expound on just yet, but perhaps in later posts I will. I don't know what to make of it all. Life is messy, isn't it? But I'm still here - and I'm still determined to make the best of it.

My nothing place

Hmm, I got nothin' to say lately. Maybe I do, but I don't feel like thinking about any of it. I haven't read any more of the Ruthless Trust book. It just seems too hard. Not cool, right? Sigh. I don't want to think and I don't want to hear or see. I don't even really feel bad, because I just kind of don't feel anything right now - and I sort of like it because it's easier, but I sort of hate it because it's sad to feel nothing. Although I have found myself a bit upset a few times lately. I guess it's about the same old things though. Seriously, why complain about your kids to people who can't have kids? Whether it's in person or on Facebook, it's just hard to hear so incredibly often - this complaining about your greatest blessings, like they're burdens. I mean, I get it, it's hard sometimes. So is IF, only change sometimes to all the time, with no upside - but we stick to venting about it in private groups and blogs. And seriously, don't talk about poop on Facebook, either. Or to my face. Just don't. I know getting your kid potty trained is a super awesome accomplishment, but we don't need poopy details... Actually, I'd advise against poop talk on Facebook even if I was the fertilest of Myrtles. The fact that I'm quite the opposite only adds insult to injury. So these things briefly upset me until I went back to my nothing place, which is no where near as lovely as a happy place, but it gets me through the day. It especially gets me through the days at work where there has been another newborn, more unsolicited baby pics, and more having to listen to the same story of such happiness.

Maybe someday I won't even flinch at these type of things - maybe someday I could even be more of an encouragement in them. After all, fertility is everywhere. Time to suck it up, right.

Well, there is is. Short, but not very sweet.