Goodbye 2011

"And ye, who have met with Adversity's blast,
And been bow'd to the earth by its fury;
To whom the Twelve Months, that have recently pass'd
Were as harsh as a prejudiced jury -
Still, fill to the Future! and join in our chime,
The regrets of remembrance to cozen,
And having obtained a New Trial of Time,
Shout in hopes of a kindlier dozen." (Thomas Hood)

Ar surprised me with breakfast in bed this late morning, after we both slept in. The menu consisted of: chocolate turtles and red wine!!! Hee!!! I love that man!!!! As we enjoyed our crazy little breakfast, we reviewed over 2011....

We spoke first of the difficulties - there were some steep difficulties, after all, notably, my escalated anxiety/panic, our continued grief over infertility - the gaping loss of that which I've never had... Also, a fair amount of difficulty in business... The loss of special loved ones, such as two of his beloved aunties, my friend Ron, and my friend's mom. We drank a toast to those that we've lost....

Then we talked about the loveliness of 2011 - and there was definitely loveliness, most notably that we are so happy together!!! That I faced my panic and sought help, and am doing much better... Our wonderful trip to Utila in May, other nice trips we took, our family and friends. Also, though business and finances are tough, we did make a decision/implemented a plan that should really make a difference financially - and we've learned from some of the difficulties. Last, but not least, that our recent decision to get back into fertility treatment has been off to a good start, at least, with receiving the good news about all of our counts etc.

It was a sweet and good time to review things like that. I'm not a believer in New Year's resolutions really, but it is a good time to review and reassess where we are and where we're going. I'm sure we'll speak more of our hopes and plans for 2012 over the course of the weekend - we've been talking about that the last few weeks already, actually - but the truth is no one can really know what the next day will bring, let alone the next year. That's ok. We'll take it a day at a time, going forward the best we can towards those goals that we set forth, knowing that we are in it together - no matter what. Adjustments will need to be made, there will be lovely and not so lovely times, there will be tears - there will be laughter - and there will definitely be much love. And God will be good.

Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost. (Romans 15:13)

Baby shopping and babbling

Ok, I wasn't actually shopping for a BABY, I was shopping FOR a baby.... or really, for Ar's cousin in Utila, Honduras, who is a new mom. She's a sweet and kind young lady, mind you, but it was hard to watch the evolution on Facebook. I did not hide her. I do hide most pregnant women, but there are a few who I keep, either because they're dear enough to me that I want to keep them, or because they're not obnoxious. In any case, I'm always happy for everyone, but it can still feel rather like torture at times... Anyhow, she had her baby - a little girl. It was hard, but I really wanted to buy them a few things. I haven't been baby shopping in quite a while. For everyone else, I get gift cards - easy peasy - no emotional breakdowns in the store... better for all parties. There are no such stores on the island, however, so gifts it was. I did make Ar come with me though... and then made him take me to $0.99 tacos at my favorite place afterward. I figured that would make it much easier. It did!!!

But seriously, why do baby clothes have to be soooooooo cute???!!!! They're full of little monkeys and duckies. Adorable!!!! I did have to avoid the Classic Pooh section, because that's my favorite. That makes me break down every single time.

I just can't help picturing what our child might look like wearing this or that. It's so hard.

Well, anyhow, I did it - it was my first time venturing into those aisles in, probably, a couple years... seriously!!! Avoidance is one of my greatest skills, after all. It's served me well, but I realize it is a blessing - and a curse.

Anyhow, we also picked up some vitamins for Ar. His counts were all good, but I suppose it can only help to have him get a little boost. We just did Men's Multivitamins.

I estimate that around this time next month, we should be getting to IUI time! I can't believe it.

I wish I could magically weigh much less, but I can maybe only weight 5 - 8lbs less, at most, I imagine. Christmas treats probably didn't help matters. Well, we'll just do the best we can, right?

I find myself feeling very excited and hopeful for this new year coming up. It feels odd that I've felt so stable and hopeful for a while now... I guess since we decided to pursue treatment again. There's something to be said for making a decision and pursuing it, I suppose. I do know that treatment and drugs will bring their ups and downs, but in the meantime, it feels good to be feeling so stable and hopeful - and excited!! Not in a crazy, frenetic way - but just a hopeful anticipation.

Oh, and, one of my friends, a very lovely person who I met on Facebook because of IF, and I are going to be IUI buddies... we're getting into this at about the same time!! Her for the first time, me, of course, for the second. Well, we decided we really need to buy fun socks (the same as each other) to wear for our IUIs!!! This just somehow seems fun and appropriate!! So here's what we picked:

Aren't they great? They're cute and adorable and colorful - and they're dinosaurs saying "RAWRRRRR," which is exactly what we are saying to IF!!!! Well, it all makes sense to us, anyhow....

It is soooo nice to have friends in all this now!! It's so nice!! I hate that anyone has IF, but what a blessing to have found people through this blog, and through Facebook, that I can relate to in this. Such a blessing!!! This only happened because I opened myself up to that. I took the risk of stepping out of my private hell, which was scary for me - but it's been a blessing!!! Thank God for camaraderie and gallows humor and hope!!!

I pray regularly for you few who I know regularly check my blog, and for my friends on my Facebook groups! I hope and hope 2012 is the year for all of us, one way or another.

Well, that's enough babbling -- for now...

Good night, sleep tight! ♥

Hopest of hopes

Merry Christmas, friends!!!!! It's hard to believe it's here again, but it is. Seems the years just travel around faster and faster... Sometimes that makes me sad. Forty years old and childless at Christmas. No children to teach about that babe in a manger, to go fill up boxes for Operation Christmas Child, to bake with... honestly, the baking is where I feel it the most. It probably sounds silly, but oh how I want to have a little one to teach and bake with.... to pass my recipes to. To teach our traditions - to create new traditions together. It's so hard! No doubt, I thought I'd have a little one or two by this Christmas... Milestones are so tough, but Christmas is still a joy!! IF cannot take that away because Christmas is bigger than IF. It's bigger than everything, really. Christmas is about that babe in a manger - why he came and what he did and who he is. So while there are some sad moments, I feel such joy as I think of our Savior in his swaddling cloths. Such hope he brought into the world that holiest of nights.... the hope that fills me still. Things are hard - things are so very hard, and we are not as strong as we thought we were, but that hope - that hopest of hopes - that hope is ours! That hope won't let us down - no matter what! May the peace that passes all understanding be yours this Christmas - and always. Merry Christmas!!!!

Are we as strong as we think we are?

"We are frail
We are fearfully and wonderfully made
Forged in the fires of human passion
Choking on the fumes of selfish rage
And with these our hells and our heavens
So few inches apart
We must be awfully small
And not as strong as we think we are..." (Rich Mullins)

I'm a huge Rich Mullins fan - always have been, always will be!! So many of his songs speak to me on this very real, very deep level. For some reason this song just popped into my head today on my way home from the doctor (not IF related.) I've thought of these words a lot over the last year or so.... In my admitted weakness over this last couple years, I've really begun to appreciate the truth of this, that indeed, I am not as strong as I thought I was.

And that's ok.

Sometimes (on Facebook) Resolve, or some other IF related organization will ask something like, "What's the biggest thing you've discovered about yourself through your IF journey?" Many women answer that they've found they were stronger than they thought. In the last year +, I've answered the opposite, that I am not as strong as I thought I was. Plain and simple. That's a little hard to take at first, and some would balk to even read this, I think. But now, I embrace it. I'm good with it. I don't need to be strong. I think my errant belief in my own strength is what sort of did me in before - or at least contributed to it.

See, I've long believed that the Lord is my strength. But that belief has probably been more academic to me, in all honesty. In practice, I've felt I need to show the world... go it alone... make it happen.... stick-to-itiveness and sheer force of will will bring me through.

Not this time. Not anymore. I am not as strong as I thought I was - and that's ok because,

"The LORD is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts, and I am helped; my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to him." (Psalm 28:7)

Along with this realization, I've realized that I have hope. Not that desperate kind of "it has to happen because I'm going to make it happen" crazed sort of hope. And not that crazed, sort of delusional, against all odds kind of hope, either. I realized today that I feel true hope. My regular doctor, who I was seeing for an unrelated reason, asked me how the RE stuff was going. I told her that we just found out the tests were all good - and that we're planning on IUI at the end of January. I also found myself asking her if I would still see her, if we were to get pregnant - so we talked about that. As I drove home, I wondered why I would ask her that. After all, the likelihood is still against us. But acknowledging that didn't make me feel bad, any more than imagining I could get pregnant from IUI made me unreasonably exuberant. It didn't - it just felt - like me. Hopeful, yet rooted.

As I drove home, I found myself praying... In itself, that's not so odd, but to be honest, prayer hasn't come as easily to me as it used to. I regret that that is true, but it is. So, I found myself praying that I would always remember that the Lord is my strength and my shield, that I would trust in him and his help, and give thanks to him. I prayed that this would be true, no matter what our outcome. I know who I am. I am a child of God! And I don't need to be as strong as I thought I was. I am God's child!! I - am - God's - child!!! And if he loves me half as much as I love the children I've never had, that would be a miracle in itself!!! Yet I know that he loves me about a jillion times more than I can ever even ask or imagine. So whether or not I have a child myself, will not change the fact that I am his. And as I reflect back on who I was after my last IUI, two years ago, the sad fact is that I wasn't actually in any shape to be a mother. I don't know that I am now, but at least I know I don't know - ya know?

Oh, Lord, help me to live what I know is true - help me cling to that truth, rather than the lies that come so easily in this world... and in this IF nightmare. And for those of my friends, who are so hurting right now, especially in the holiday season, which should be so joyful, but can be so painful, I ask for your peace and your hope to fill them.

And now, I give you the full song: We are not as strong as we think we are. (How I love and miss Rich Mullins!)

Weekends are lovely!

My post today has nothing directly to do with the weekend, but I thought it would be nice to state the obvious!!!! I love weekends - especially when my Ar is around!! He did work this weekend - but nearby, so he was home in the evenings = YAY!!!! He's such a cutie!!!! Anyhow, the weekend was lovely starting with my RE appointment, all the way to now - and actually, hopefully through tomorrow as I am off work tomorrow too!

So, the weekend got off to an early start when I took Friday afternoon off work to go to the long awaited RE appointment. And without further ado.... (drumroll please....) It's all good!! At 40 and 54, we may be older than the average TTC couple, but no one told our bodies!!! All the tests came back, well, great!! Ar's morphology was actually even better than it was two years ago!! We don't know why that is, but are so grateful! (He never had a problem with count or motility, but morphology was a bit low last time.) All my results were great too!! I was worried about my ovarian reserve, but that, and everything, was so positive!! Very encouraging!! The RE was very pleased with our prospects. He did say it would be a good idea to try to lose some weight, but not to worry about it at all. He did comment that if we need to do IVF, then I'd have to lose weight first. I was already aware of that, and he is so kind and encouraging about it all that it doesn't bother me to have him say it. It's amazing how two doctors can say essentially the same thing, and one makes you feel like dirt and the other like dancing!

Anyhow, as for the plan, it's too late to get started with IUI for December because of the holidays, but the plan is to start back into IUI for January!! This time we'll use injectibles instead of Clomid, so we'll have to do another injection training before then.

So, AF should be here any day - and we'll just wait it out till the next AF and get started up all over again!

It's kind of crazy for me to believe that we're back here again, after how hard it had been since our last IUI. But we are - and I think it's right. It feels right. Things are so different now, in so many ways. I still have the lovely and supportive Ar, of course! Now I also have so much more emotional support from other women who understand these things, which is priceless! Being able to just talk to my therapist makes such a difference too, and discovering how therapeutic it is to just write out my thoughts, feelings, and fears in this blog also has been a life-changer for me. I am so grateful for all of these!!

Unfortunately, though in so many ways I'm much healthier, I am also older and weigh more than then. Still, all things considered, I feel good about taking these steps. I've been so calm and positive feeling about all of this lately, and was so patient waiting for the results of these tests. I was particularly proud about that! It was a choice for calm and patience - and I followed through on it.

Now, none of these touchy feely things mean anything as far as what our outcome will be, of course, but if they make the process better, then that will be a blessing in itself. Our good test results give us a fighting chance! No matter what the process or outcome brings, I do feel that I'm better prepared to deal with it in a healthier way. Mind you, I don't by any means mean that I won't ever be emotional or ridiculously sensitive, or worry, or experience all the highs and lows of the IF treatment roller coaster. What I mean is that I want - I need - I choose - to avoid the panic attack road that I ended up on before. I have so many more outlets now, and no longer feel the need to be so tightly in control. I cannot change what has happened before. I cannot change my medical condition. I cannot make us younger or give us more time. I certainly cannot choose the outcome. I can, however, choose to pray, to reach out, and to let go - of the anxiety, shame, fear, and need for control.

RE appt and human thoughts...

I haven't been on here quite as much lately, mostly because things have been so busy lately. Busy-ness is not always good for reflection, but that is always a bit of a blessing in itself... Balance is good. I think things are settling down a bit.

The other reason for not being on as much is that I haven't had much going on. I've largely been trying to ignore our RE appt for today, so that I wouldn't get nervous! Today I'm starting to feel nervous again. What if he has decided since I last saw him (last month) that I really am too old and fat... ugh! He poo-pooed that before, but I'm still nervous about it.

But, nonetheless, we will face it all together. Our appointment is at 1:45 today. Yikes!!! I've been looking forward to it, and am proud of myself for not being anxious about the results of our testing. We should get the results today and discuss next steps. I'm sure they've had the results for a while now, but I haven't called for them or anything. I knew it wouldn't help and so I've decided to just work on patience int his process. What a novel idea, eh? That was not something I excelled at last time we went through treatment.

I've been struggling with some other ideas lately though - maybe to make up for calmness about this. Ha! It will pass, but just thoughts of envy, I suppose... we're not doing great financially. We're ok, but definitely struggling. I'm not a very materialistic person in general, but sometimes... I just want to go to a Packers game! I want a smart phone! I don't want the world. I'm content living simply, for the most part - and I know full well that we live waaayyyyy better than so many people. But sometimes it's hard. I hate those times. It can be a battle.

And there's this little part of me that sometimes says, "Hey - why do they get kids AND go to multiple games AND have all the latest technology?" I tell that part to shut up, but she does get to me sometimes...

But here's the thing... I am not saying that people who have all that are unhappy, but I know that I have an amazing and wonderful marriage with an amazing and wonderful man!!! I would not trade him for all the Packers games and smart phones in the world!!!!!

I'm not going to kick myself for having human feelings, I suppose, but it can be hard sometimes.

I believe it was C.S. Lewis who said, "Heaven is the satisfaction of the yearning that is always present."

And I know it was Rich Mullins who sang,
"Everybody I know says they need just one thing
And what they really mean is that they need just one thing more
And everybody seems to think they've got it coming
Well I know that I don't deserve You
Still I want to love and serve You more and more
You're my one thing
Save me from those things that might distract me
Please take them away and purify my heart
I don't want to lose the eternal for the things that are passing
Cause what will I have when the world is gone
If it isn't for the love that goes on and on...."

Here's the rest of it:



There's no time for proofing today... I'm off to my RE in an hour!!

I hope you're having a wonderful Friday!!! ♥