Unknown blessings

"Give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way."
(Native American saying)

Here we are in that lovely time of year between Thanksgiving and Christmas. So far I haven't found myself dreading the holidays, as I have many times in my infertile past. This may change, but so far, so good....

Thanksgiving was really nice this year! We drove six hours down to Wisconsin, hauling a cooler full of mashed potatoes, coconut macaroons, and Oreo Truffles (mmm!!!!), to spend time with my family and friends. It was a good time, but it was hard coming back. I am so ready to move back to Wisconsin, if only we could - so that part was hard. However, the holiday was really nice and I didn't freak out about IF, so that was good. Sometimes it's just the lack of freaking out that feels like victory - isn't that funny?

Anyhow, I really am thankful for so much! Despite the constant loss of that which I've never had, I know full well that I have been blessed tremendously.

But do I have the faith and courage to give thanks for unknown blessings? Do I believe they are already on their way? Am I ok with the possibility that they may not look like the blessings I want? Ahhh, these are some questions for me to ponder. Or maybe I should just step out in faith, because I know that our Heavenly Father is most certainly faithful!!

In sort of related news, on Facebook this week, someone wrote the following to me,

"Lees, you ARE a mother. You are just a mother without a child yet." And, "It's true, Lees. I honestly feel that way about IF sisters. We are mothers without children. It's in our hearts and just waiting to swing into action. That's why it's all so devastating to us that we can't get the child or get the child to stay here on earth with us. Who could be a better mother than one who has pleaded and begged for years, sometimes decades to add a child to their life. If you feel that strongly about it, it's already in you. Because, think about it, not all women want kids, and that's OK. But we're already mothers just waiting and waiting - and WAITING!"

That thought really struck a chord with me. Mothers in waiting....

As I write this post, this one song keeps coming to mind...

"You can thank the Father, for the things that he has done - thank him for the things he's yet to do.... and if you find a love that's tender, if you find someone who's true, thank the Lord - he's been doubly good to you."

Hmm, he has indeed been doubly good to me!!

A happy visit???

Well, I'm not sure happy is exactly the word.... but considering the circumstances, I was actually kinda happy when good ole AF showed up today - finally! It was probably the first time since I started this nightmare, errrrr, "journey," that AF's arrival didn't reduce me to weepy tears. A true sign that miracles really never do cease.

Tomorrow I'll go in to get some more blood work done at 8 am. I'm guessing that my still being up at 2 am is going to make me regretful tomorrow morning... Or later this morning, as it were. So, this is a shorty just to say AF is here, and I'm oddly pleased! It means I get to take the next step. And I'm oddly excited about that. It's good to feel excited about it again. I don't know what tomorrow, next month or next year will bring - but for now, I am happy and excited. So, one day at a time, step by step....

Nasty old lady!

After five and a half years of working like clockwork, that nasty old AF seems to want to start playing tricks on me again. As of now, I'm three days late. I am waiting for day 2, so I can go back into RE for more labs. Once I do that, then Ar and I will meet with the doc and discuss next steps - and find out our test results. But so far, AF is a no-show. In retrospect, I didn't mind so much when this happened last month, because truly I think it was the jolt I needed to get back into treatment. This month, however, it's just a hold-up.

Perhaps AF hasn't heard that I'm not getting any younger. Sigh, or maybe she has...

So, the delay of treatment aside, I'm a bit worried that perhaps I'm reverting back to my old PCOS ways... I used to never get my period - maybe 3 times a year, 4 tops. The last five plus years have been different, which has been encouraging. As much as I hate AF, when I get it regularly, as I have been, at least I feel like maybe my body is sort of working (somewhat) correctly - and that is encouraging.

So more waiting.

This morning I prayed for help to find a way to better fill the waiting. I don't necessarily even mean something more to do, but just to be more intentional in my waiting, I suppose. I recognize that I may be waiting forever, so I shouldn't squander it.

I also prayed for you. That is, if you're one of the 3 or 4 people who I know might read my little blog. ❤

For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. (Ephesians 3:14-21)

RE: back to my RE

This is just a quick update here. I've been struggling with a killer headache and neck kink the last day and a half, or so... It's kind of been knocking me out a bit, so I'll be heading to bed early again, tonight. But I really wanted to write down about my visit to the RE yesterday.

On the morning of, I was a bundle of nerves, of course. I was so afraid that the RE would tell me that I was too old or too fat to help. But Ar and I went for a nice lunch and talked a lot about our trip to Utila this past May. So that was nice talk and helped me feel calmer.

As for the visit, it was all good!! Dr. Damario essentially feels we should pick up where I left off 23 months ago - which would be IUI w/ injections, instead of Clomid. I'm nervous about the injections, as I hadn't done them before - but I think it'll be ok.

Since it's been almost two full years since my last treatment, he wants to do labs over, which I expected. So that's all fine. He did an ultrasound, since I was in the office. It's been a while since Mr. Wand and I have hung out together - but surprisingly, it was like riding a bike, as they say. Guess I'll have to get used to that again! Anyhow, the ultrasound was fine too - everything looked good.

Also, he was completely ok when I explained that my break from treatment took so long because of panic attacks etc. He now knows I'm on meds for that, and that I'm getting therapy - and doing well. He says that it's not unusual and that he's successfully treated many other women in this situation.

I felt so relieved!!! He's so nice and encouraging. As he was leaving, I told him that I was afraid he was going to turn me away because I was too old and fat and anxious.... He just chuckled and said, "No... you're fine - and we'll be here for you every step of the way."

He actually told me that "PCOS women have a lot of fertility potential - it just needs to be channeled better." I said, "I think that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me."

Next step: Thursday, Ar and I will go back in to the clinic. Ar will have to do another semenalysis, and I'll do some labs. On day 2 (in about 8 days), I'll go in for more labs - and then we'll go back to talk w/ the Doc., and review everything. Assuming all is well, which I am assuming, maybe I can do an IUI in December! We'll see.

So.... my first big step back was so far, so good!! Thank you, Lord!!!!