Get busy living....

or get busy dying....

As I wrote in my last post, we've decided to go back and see our RE. That appointment is on Monday. I have a surprising sense of peace about this decision. I don't know what the outcome will be, any more than I ever did, but I still find myself ready to face it for the first time in a very long time. My eyes are wider open, I have more emotional support and resources, and other areas of our lives are less stressful than they were the first time around. I hope these things make a difference to my attitude and response to the stress. I think they will, regardless of the outcome. I also have to choose that they will.

What I know from my "very late" experience last month, is that I really want to have a kiddo with Ar. I just do. I always knew that, of course, but I know it even more now. It's a heart desire - and that heart desire is a blessing in so many ways! It's also a curse, it seems, at times. Last month I allowed myself to believe it, to feel it. The joy of expectation and belief was indescribable. The disappointment was beyond brutal, but it left me with such clarity. I realized that I want this enough to face the ugly again. Last time, I didn't know how very ugly ugly could get... Last time, I went forward because I thought I had no choice. Now, this is my choice - I choose to go forward. Eyes wide open. Still hand in hand with the most amazing man in the world, but hopefully a little wiser in our travels.

None of this means anything to our outcome, of course, but I don't believe I can live with myself if we don't try. That's where all these last months, the panic, the anxiety, the wonder, the waffling, the waiting, the whys, the roller coasters... this is what it all tells me. It's time to move forward. I know better than ever that it may not happen. I may have to live childless. It will not be my choice, but what I can choose is to try.

So now, we wait.

So much of this journey is waiting, isn't it? Waiting and waiting - often hurrying up, just to wait some more. I wonder how much would all of our waiting add up to? And what should I be doing while I wait? In my recent past, much of that waiting has been filled with anxiety. This last week and a half, since I made the RE appointment, I can't say my waiting has been particularly productive, but at least it hasn't been anxious. But still, I can't help but feel the weeks, months, and years have passed by willy-nilly as I waited for my next cycle, my next opportunity. What can I do or be to to better use this waiting time? I'll have to think on that.

And so that quote from one of my favorite movies, Shawshank Redemption, keeps coming to mind, "Get busy living, or get busy dying." So much of IF feels like neither living, nor dying. Sometimes it feels more like dying. But it's not - unless we choose to let it be that way. Oh, Lord, help me remember that.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. Jesus came that we may have life and have it abundantly. (John 10:10)

IF is a mighty talented thief, isn't it? So can we be IF and still live abundantly? I mean, all the way abundantly - not the half abundant life many of us probably live... I can't be the only one that feels like she's been living two lives, can I? One happy-go-lucky, fun, fulfilling life, full of love - and one sad, anxious, fretting, scared, scarred, bitter, and empty life? Both are valid, both are real. What I wonder is, can I have one - one - abundant life, even while dealing with the angst of IF? I can't answer that from experience, but I believe that scripture would most certainly say so - and so does my heart, when I'm at peace.

You're perfect just the way you are....

...I wouldn't change you if I could...

That's the first song we danced to as hubby and missus, six years ago today.

It's been a heck of a six years - but after all we've been through, we have been through it together. Together! I'm certain there are not many lovelier words in all the world than "together."

I still wouldn't change him if I could. He is a prince among men, and my sheltering tree... We hurt for that which we do not have, but there is absolutely no doubt how grateful I am for this gift I've been given. It's pure grace.

Happy six years to us!!!

On the brink of a new married year together, it seems appropriate that we're again taking new (new old) steps forward. It just feels right. It doesn't feel like going backward, but definitely forward. I don't know what will happen, or where these steps will lead, but it's right to take them right now. I'm so glad I have Ar to take them with me!!! Today I made an appointment with my RE, for October 31. We'll see what he has to say. Either way, I won't be in it alone.

I feel at peace about it.

Now please enjoy a little Ricky Skaggs, in honor of darling Ar and me. :-)

The art of losing what you never had

This morning I woke up with AF. As much as that sucks to me, because I was secretly hoping I was one of the rare ones who gets a false negative blood test, I was glad that I got the blood test results last night - it made this morning's nightmare a little easier. Every night for the past week, I've been laying in bed imagining the good kind of what-if.... thinking, wondering, happy thoughts, you know. So that was one more reason to love my doctor - she sends me horrible news test results at 9:30 pm.

Needless to say, today was a very difficult day.

Thankfully, I had therapy scheduled tonight, more good timing! It was good just to talk and process the grief a bit. The grief over losing something I never had. As I talked, I realized that I may be ready to start treatment again. I've been on a longer break than I'd anticipated. Treatment was so hard - I was never so miserable than that time - and then we took a break. Then the panic attacks came, then a bunch of weight came. So... it's hard to want to go back there, but this last week of actually believing I was pregnant made me realize how incredibly much I want this.

I guess it all comes down to this: is the potential outcome worth the potential risk?

It really may never happen for us, but can I live without trying more? Is my fear so great that it'll stop me from taking the next step? Does that sound like something the bravest person in the world would do?

All that is well and good to inspire me, but the reality is that I'm forty, I'm fat, and IF treatment sent me spiraling into panic attacks before. I'm probably not the best candidate, so who knows if a clinic will even see me? In the spirit of nothing ventured, nothing gained, I just took a big step; I just emailed my GP doc telling her I'm ready to get back on the nightmarish IF treatment road again, if it's possible. We'll see what she says.

BFN

Still no AF today, so I went in for blood test today at 5:45 pm. At 9:30 pm they already had the results. Negative, of course. It shouldn't be a surprise. So why am I sitting here sobbing? Why did I have to ask Ar about daycare today? He works his own business, mostly on the weekends, so we were discussing him being with baby most weekdays. I thought how nice that would be for him... how wonderful he'd be!! How I'd come home every day for lunch... Why can't I just get it through my big, fat, stupid head - this is not going to happen for me!!! How many times can my heart be broken? I'm living in this nowhere land - never giving up and somehow never really believing, but definitely never giving up... How could I let myself believe this time? I actually feel pregnant. How can I let myself believe that? It just feels too much to bear right now. AF is cruel enough when she's regular - how can she be so cruel as to do this?

Dream, dream, dream... dreeeee-eee-eam...

So today is day 37 and AF is nowhere in sight. In the last five years, AF has been like clockwork. Morning of day 29 is the latest about 98% of the time! I've had just about two times when I went to day 30. Anyhow, as of yesterday, I've taken three pregnancy tests - all negative.

Some IF friends told me to contact the doctor, so I emailed my GP, who I think is awesome! Unfortunately, she's out of the office today. However, a nurse wrote back and basically said that there are many reasons for late period, including stress, cold/flu, and changes in diet/exercise. She said that I shouldn't rush to conclusions, but if I miss a second one to make an appointment. We'll see what my doc says though. I always feel like this nurse sort of blows me off. Like, when I finally acknowledged and gathered up the guts to email about my panic attacks in the spring, this same nurse blew it off, but my doc didn't.

Anyhow, I wrote back and said that I'm considerably less stressed than normal, of late, I don't have the cold/flu, and there have been no changes in diet/exercise... And that after TTC for almost 6 years, and going through incredible stress during it, this is the first time I have been late like this. So, we'll see what my doctor says. I'm sure it's just a fluke; I can't possibly be pregnant, right? Right!! Or could I? I mean, it's not impossible...

Meantime, I found myself this nice web page where all these women were talking about missed periods, negative home pregnancy tests, and negative blood tests - and then eventually confirming they were pregnant via ultrasound, at like 10 weeks or something. So, my stupid brain was reeling w/ these thoughts last night as I laid down... bad Heather, very, very bad Heather!!!!! (That's me, in case you were wondering! :-) )

I've also been having crazy dreams lately. The other night I dreamed that I was eating salt by the tablespoon full, straight from the blue Morton's salt container - and enjoying it very much. Then Ar walked in and said, "Hey babe!" I replied, w/ salt falling down my face, and holding up the salt container for him to see, "How much sodium do you think this stuff has?" Then I cracked up laughing about what I said - so hard that tears started falling...

I also dreamed the next night that I'd found a baby and thought she looked like Ar.

Last night I dreamed that Mike McCarthy (head coach of the very awesome Green Bay Packers) sent me a Packers onesie! It was adorable, but I was kind of angry with him for it because I felt he should have known I'm IF and how painful that is. After all, he lived down the street from me (in my dream). However, I couldn't set the onesie down, even though I was so mad about it - I just kept, sort of, hugging it to me... Bad, stupid brain!!!!!!

Please, Lord.

And yet........

I just took a pregnancy test. I couldn't resist. Despite how much I knew it had to be negative, all the way to work this morning, and so often throughout the day, I just kept turning back to it... that what if? After all, what if?

Well, not a big surprise, but it was negative. It's day 32. I should have waited.

And yet.... I also know that I'll take another one in the morning, being that first thing in the morning is the best time to test, right?

Why can't I just stop? Why does it always comes back?

Nothing new under the sun

So, AF was due yesterday. She still hasn't reared her ugly head. This made my Ar very excited and almost giggly, but I once again had the unpleasant task of trying to tell him to not get excited. AF is just late. I know it.

Thing is, I'm not sure I believe it's possible anymore.

Granted, two weeks ago I was worried about hot-tubbing it with Ar because I would be ovulating... Obviously I had some hope then. But then we did get in that hot-tub, so I had perhaps already stopped believing any of it mattered. At any rate, I now find myself calmly just not believing. I know the moment I might decide to take a pregnancy test is the exact moment AF will show up. It's happened more times than I can remember.

AF is one cruel auntie!!!

Right now though, even as I write this, I don't feel sad. That's kind of weird, I guess. But maybe this is the beginning of acceptance. Or maybe I have to wait and see what happens when AF comes.

Last week, Ar's daughter, M, was in town. She lives on the west coast. His other daughter, P, lives nearby. (They're both in their 20s.) Anyhow, we saw both of them a good bit. M stayed with us a few of the days, which was really nice!! Ar is a wonderful dad! I love to see that!!! And I always enjoy getting to know M a bit more. (We see P fairly often.) Still, it left me a bit melancholy after she left. They're both such wonderful girls! I see so much of him in them. Why can't I have that with him?

I don't know the answer to that, but I know it probably wouldn't hurt any less even if it it could be explained.

And either way, I just don't think I believe anymore. I don't think this is going to happen for us. I just don't think it's going to happen. I think I really mean it this time... And I just feel sort of empty about it right now. Is it wrong somehow to feel that way? I'm not sure. It isn't as if I've lost my faith in the Lord. I'm just starting to believe that the answer is, "no." I've been taught since I was a wee one that sometimes the answer is, "no." It doesn't mean He loves me any less.

Or maybe this disbelief will change again tomorrow. This is one crazy roller coaster, after all.

Doesn't it sometimes feel like there's nothing really new under the IF sun? Just the same old feelings rehashed cycle after cycle after cycle after cycle after cyc....... and the same old sad outcome? So, is this a breakthrough in accepting that it just might not happen, or is it just another cruel twist?

Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12: 2-8)

I certainly wouldn't say I'm boasting in my weakness, nor that I am content with it all... I'd be lying if I said that, but I do believe that His grace is sufficient for me so I have to continue going forward in faith.

Thought for the day

"Our yesterdays present irreparable things to us; it is true that we have lost opportunities which will never return, but God can transform this destructive anxiety into a constructive thoughtfulness for the future. Let the past sleep, but let it sleep on the bosom of Christ. Leave the Irreparable Past in His hands, and step out into the Irresistible Future with Him." (Oswald Chambers)