Of stupid cars and girly parts

So I hate my car. I really, really hate my car!!!! I used to love my car - there's nothing even remotely wrong with it. It's been good to me. But I hate it. I hate it because when we bought it - in April of 2006 - we bought it with kiddies in mind. As if I really needed a station wagon - please! But that's why I wanted the car I have. I thought we'd have kiddies to fill it. Now I hate it.

Lately, every time I walk back to it, or think about it, I remember how we were "supposed to" have kids by now, and how we don't - and how we may never - and here I am, stuck with this sad reminder of a red station wagon. On the bright side, it has four cup holders within easy access to the driver's seat. That part is really awesome!!!

Anyhow, we're not in a place where we can just decide to get a new car just because I hate this silly IF-mobile, right now... it's all paid off and still has fairly low miles.

Oh well - just another one of those weird thoughts in the everyday life an IFer.

I also had a fun mammogram today!! Yayyyy - forty is so awesome!!!! Well, in fairness, there are a lot of nice things that have happened in my forties, too - like when I got carded ordering wine with dinner. That gets even more special with time. Also, Ar lately seems crazier about me than ever. Crazy guy! So, I guess I can put up with mammograms and my increasingly declining chances of having kiddies, right? Hmm.

Anyhow, mammograms always make me chuckle because, if you say it right, the name sounds so fun - like, "Candy-gram!" "MAMMA-gram!" It's not really all that fun, but it's probably a good thing to do anyhow.

Well, just to prove that hope really does spring eternal, I asked for the lead apron thingy during my mammogram - you know, just in case... I mean, sure - it's beyond absurdly unlikely - but I could be pregnant, right? Why take the chance? At this point it seems more likely that I'd sprout a tail or a third kidney, but it's not out of the question completely, right? Hmmfph! Knowing me, I'll probably sprout the tail...

But I will continue to know that with God all things are possible.

Hiccups

Well, going back to work today after a whole week off was a little tough, but vacation was pretty wonderful. It was lovely to get away to the Wisconsin woods!! I had Ar there, and family, bonfire and s'mores -- and lots of wildlife. Ar and my brother caught some nice Northerns, so we had a pretty delicious fish fry!! We also had the best prime rib in the world - out at a local restaurant. I also read two books during vacation. So, yeah - when all is said and done - it was really a nice time.

There was some family drama, of course. Is any family vacation complete without that? But, it was ok.

However, it made me realize more about my anxiety issues... it made me realize all the more that there are really two levels of anxiety in my life. The kind that is treated by medicine because my brain chemistry is out of whack, probably due to pretty severe stress over the last years, dealing with infertility, as well as financial set backs... but there's also the kind that the medicine doesn't prevent... the kind that comes from somewhere else, somewhere deeper. That kind seems harder to manage because it's the same one that made me lie awake in my bed at night, when I was just a kid, with a pit the size of a watermelon in my stomach as I just listened... terrified because the fighting in the next room shook me to my core. And for some reason, there are certain elements of being with certain members of my family that just bring that feeling back. No one means to, but it's like this chemical reaction. It makes me just crawl far inside a shell, like I used to crawl deeper into my blankets. My jovial self disappears and I try my darnedest to become invisible.

So, though vacation really was lovely, this happened at one point. I realize now that this is anxiety too. Funny enough, I never thought about it in that context before, but I need to learn how to deal with this better. To manage it without becoming invisible. How do you change the way two chemicals react to each other, though? Maybe I should have paid more attention in chemistry classes...

But that aside, it was a good 85% lovely! I did get myself over that little hiccup, but only because I took one of the meds I keep for emergencies. I feel terrible that I had to do that, but I know myself - and I didn't want to ruin vacation. When I go into that shell, when I go invisible, it's hard to undo it. I'm not going to beat myself up about this - I've identified something, and I'll tackle it so that I can manage it better next time.

So, that was the downside. The rest was all good! Despite the hiccup, it really was good to spend time with my family - in the outdoors! My nephew and niece are so much fun!! I enjoyed hanging with them - a lot!!!! So did Ar! Ar and my nephew did a lot of fishing together, whittling together, looking for kindling together, and chit chatting. They were adorable!!!!

Ohhhhh - how I wish I could give Ar a son.

When I said that to him, he just replied, "You've already given me so much!!"

It melted me to hear him say that!!! He means it - the dear man means it!!!

But part of me wonders if that means he no longer believes we can do this. If he's accepting that this is the outcome. If that's the case, then he's telling me it's ok, that I'm enough. I do love that!!! It's reassuring to hear, though not surprising, in light of my questioning about if this never happens. We'll be ok!

But my heart still aches. Ultimately, I guess that's why I know I'm not ready to give up yet.

Oh, but I've been trapped in such a strange limbo world lately. Round and round she goes. Where she stops, nobody knows.

The Homeland is calling...

Ar will be home tomorrow, and then early Monday morning we head out for a fun little holiday with my side of the family - up in northern Wisconsin! I love being back in Wisconsin. We take this trip almost every year, except the year we skipped because of IUI. That was two years ago - when we just started on the IUI road.

We almost didn't go this year because of money. Finances are pretty tight because Ar's business has been suffering a bit this summer - what with all the absurdly hot weather, and the absurdly worsening economy.... My cutie works his butt off; I just hate how much harder it is lately!!! Anyhow, we also went to Honduras in May and had to (unexpectedly) buy a new van this summer. Practically speaking, we shouldn't go. But, family is important.

The truth is, that this week with my family is the nicest time my family ever has. For some reason - maybe it's the change of scenery - it's just all more fun and relaxed on this trip. Normally, there's always a lot of weird underlying tensions, it seems. Anyhow, I like this trip with my family. It's good for us! And I guess it's one of those things that is just more important than money.

However, because X always equals infertility, there's always that shadow... my niece and nephew will be there - and they are awesome kids!!!! They really are!!! I just love getting to hang out with them. We live 5 hours away from my family, so I don't get to see them often enough. My niblings are growing up and I hate how much I miss out on, living here. But my job is good and secure - it's not something I can just leave, at least not in this economy.

My nephew turned 10 this summer, my niece will be 8 in January. I'm so proud of them, but honestly, it also makes me sad how big they're getting. Not only because I'm missing out on it, but because I really wanted our kids to grow up closer with them. Now, even if we have kids, there would be such an age difference. I know this isn't really a big deal, but it's one of those things, you know? I had always pictured our kids hanging out together on this vacation - making those precious memories with their cousins.... Don't get me wrong, the memories are still precious, but it is a little bittersweet for me, I guess.

But that's just the way it is. Life is bittersweet. Thank God that it isn't just bitter!!

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up,a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace. What does the worker gain from his toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on men. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil—this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him. (Ecclesiastes 3:1-14)

Missing persons...

Lately I haven't felt like there's anything much to say. Maybe it's just because I'm pretty tired lately. Maybe I'm just sick of even thinking about infertility. I really am, you know. I'm so sick of how much I hate this. Sick of wanting something that, frankly, there's an awfully strong likelihood that I'll never have. I feel strangely dull. Maybe the word is empty.

Hope never does die though, does it? I guess sometimes I'm sick of the hope, the most. My therapist was saying last week that I'm clearly an optimist. It was funny to hear her say that because often times people have thought I'm a pessimist. I've always known they were wrong, but it's hard to really explain that to people. It was so nice to have a doctor of human psychology see that I am indeed an optimist. It was somehow validating, though I didn't realize I cared about that validation.

See, I don't really wear rose-colored glasses - I'm not that sort of optimist. I see things how they are - the good, the bad, and the ugly. I figure that way you know what you have to deal with, which is generally helpful. I often think optimism does not mean what people think it means... But that's ok. As for me, and this is what I was discussing with my therapist a bit, I truly believe that if you walk out in faith and trust, persevere, and you operate with due diligence, that somehow it'll work out. That if not, you maybe need to make some adjustments and re-examine, but your goals are still within reach. The answer is out there!

I also believe in miracles, and hope really never does seem to die. Ironically, those are the very things that break my heart so much in this IF journey.

Note to self, remember that you're still only looking at a small part of the story...

Even after six years, it's really only been just a few chapters, don't ya think? I am 40, but I'm - only - 40. Gotta keep on reading. After all, who really knows what's next? Maybe there will be an awesome and amazing twist. After all, I've got a pretty spectacular author!!!

Of course, there-in lies the problem... I always think what lies next is exactly what I so long for!! And so it is hard to keep asking that question - that, "what if it never is that which I so long for?" I guess maybe that's why I've sort of turned myself off lately, a bit. Maybe I just need a break from thinking, for a bit. Honestly, I keep secretly hoping it'll just work out - I see it happen for all sorts of other people. As much as I know and say and think and proclaim about how there's a very good likelihood it won't happen, the truth is - I just hope against all hope that it'll happen. Plus, I don't have a framework for what to do if it never ever happens.

Another note to self, you still have your own history. Remember!!!!

A lot of difficult things have happened in my history. I have to remember that when I was in the midst of them, it was unclear when or how the good would come - but it always did, one way or another. It wasn't necessarily what I expected - and I suppose that's what I'm most afraid of here... I trust, but am I willing to give up my (perceived) control and really accept that it can be good, even if it isn't the good I so desire?

Oh, that's too much thinking for this tired old brain, tonight.

Anyhow, I found myself feeling pretty sadly empty last night, when I went to bed. I tuned it out by reading, but it was there. Darling Ar is out of town until Sunday night, and I miss him terribly! Our place is neater and more organized when he's gone - no dishes in the sink, no duffle bags and "stuff" near the door... I can watch what ever I please on tv, or read my Kindle all night long... but it's so empty and lifeless without him. He brings so much to me, just by being near. Of course we talk and text 20 times a day while he's gone, but I just miss his big, crazy hugs. Sometimes he hugs me so tight that I can't breathe for a few seconds. How I love that!!!!! He has the best hugs. I seriously think the man could make a living by charging money for his amazing hugs!!!! The nearness of his fuzzy face always makes me happiest!! I miss his warmth. I miss his snores. I miss his curmudgeonly little quirks and his uniquely him perspectives on life. So as I laid down alone last night, the emptiness overwhelmed me a bit. Not only because Ar is gone this week, because I trust that he'll be back, but for the other person that is missing too. The person I don't know and may never know. The person I want to see my sweet Ar's face in. The person I already love, as only a mother loves.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. (Hebrews 12: 1 & 2)

Step By Step

Today was distressing on many levels. First of all, AF reared her ugly head. Despite all my brave talk of late about considering that it just might not happen for me, which I'm completely genuine about, AF showed up -- and I'm a mess. A big, fat, huge, ridiculous, chocolate-eating mess.

It wasn't exactly a surprise... I saw a pimple start to form a few days ago. It was a sure sign. Still, hope hasn't died in me... not yet. Hopefully never. Although if it really never does happen for me, this specific hope will have to somehow transform into something else.... what though? Acceptance? Peace? A butterfly? Or perhaps an heroic Autobot out to save the universe? Well, maybe... We'll see - I'm not quite there yet, obviously, because today I was a BIG mess.

But I had to work, and at work I have to be happy, happy all the day. And so I was, to the best of my acting ability. I got to give someone an early wedding present today, so that cheered me up!! Also, Ar took me to lunch, which is always a treat!!!!

I told him today, maybe it's time to think about trying IUI again.... it's the first time in a very long time that I've started to feel that maybe I could start getting ready for that again. But I haven't seen an RE in over a year, and I'm really more overweight than I should be. So we'll see about that. It wasn't a decision - it just came out.

Still, I'm not running away from that ugly "what if" question anymore, as I used to. That I'm not running from the question anymore actually scares me a bit. The question is all well and good, so I'll continue to explore it. I must, even if I'm not quite there yet - not quite done yet.

Then for further upsetting news today, later in the day Ar's good friend told him that he and his wife were both just diagnosed with cancer. Unbelievable!

Also, a fellow online IFer friend told our group about her sister-in-law who got pregnant again. Pregnancy announcements are always a bit tough, right - even though we're happy for our loved ones! In this case though, the sister-in-law already has two kids with her husband, and she feels too busy right now for a third, so she aborted the baby. This just made me sick. It literally made me sick to my stomach. I know this is obviously a controversial topic, and I'm not here to debate rights and what-not, I'm just saying it made me sick to hear! I can barely type this without getting sick again.

Soooo.... moving on because I have nothing further to say about that, today marked the one month anniversary of being 40. So far in my 40s, I've lost one dear friend to cancer, another dear friend lost his mother to cancer, and now there have been two more cancer diagnoses, and I've just had my second AF of my 40s. Did anyone ever tell us there'd be days like these?

But, I have a wonderful and lovely hubby, whom I absolutely adore and am so thankful for!!! And I have dear friends!!! And a family that loves me!!! And God is still so good!!!! The world is sick and messy, but God is good! Infertility cannot destroy those things - any more than cancer can. They can take so much, but they cannot take those things that are dearest and truest!

The only thing I know at the end of this rather icky day is that if it never happens for me, one way or another, or whatever else happens to me, I will be ok. I can't fathom being ok with it yet, but I know I will. Step By Step, right.... Hopefully I'll keep remembering this... I will be ok - no matter the outcome. Step By Step....

Of baby spoons and edible cheeks

As I said in yesterday's post, I've been starting to think maybe it just isn't going to happen for me. Some IF women just know that somehow, someday they'll be a mom.

You know, I just don't have that certainty. I want very much to be a mom. It's not that I'm a pessimist - I consider myself a realist. The reality is that it may not happen. I haven't been given a promise by God that I'll be a mom. I can claim many other promises from God, but not that one. Realistically speaking, I need to explore the idea that I just may not be able to get pregnant and carry a baby. Adoption is not an option for us - our age and finances are prohibitive factors. So.... I do keep hoping that my health-ed teachers were right about sex leading to pregnancy, but after almost six years, that just seems like pie in the sky kinda urban legend mythology nonsense from happy land! Of course, there's more IUI, or IVF if I can get myself ready. But I really think that's it for us. And so it may not happen.

So as I grapple with what being childless would mean for us - for me - and how I would move forward, which is rather hard to imagine right now, quite frankly, part of me keeps being struck by the somewhat ironic (to some) fact that I'm "not a baby person." I've never been one of those super-baby people... never been one of those gals who is just so fascinated by all things baby. Who has to hold and touch every baby... who has to smell every baby, squeeze every tiny toe... who says strange things like: "That is just the sweeeeeeetest baby!! I'm going to get my baby spoon and just gobble her up!!"

I'm not that gal. There's nothing wrong with that gal (ok, well... actually, the baby spoon thing is a bit over the top!) But baby cannibalizing spoons aside, it's just not me. I don't need to hold and smell every baby I see - and there's nothing wrong with that either. I dearly love my little niblings (my nephew and niece) - I think they are just the bee's knees!!!!  Most other babies are nice and all... I don't dislike them by any stretch - but, unless I have a reason to be gaga over them, I'm really not. I appreciate the cuteness, but I'll leave it at that.

The reason I mention about this is because it seems to surprise some of my friends that I want to be a mom so much, because they know I'm not that gal... so they wonder, why do I want this so much?

Ummmm. I don't know - why do I want to breathe? I don't know - it's just what seems natural - and right and good. Just because I don't want to gobble other people's babies up, with weird creepy baby spoons, doesn't mean I don't want to be a mom.

As if only people who are googoo gaga over every baby would want to have their own child. In fact, I know some googoo gaga people, who really never wanted their own children. All I ever do when people point out that I'm not a baby person, and express surprise at my desire, is just say something like, "it's not the same, you know - other babies aren't the same as having a child with Ar would be."

It's just that it is not possible for me to explore what it would mean for us to not have a child together, without continuing to explore what it would mean to have one.

How can you explain such a thing? Such a desire - such a deep down need? How do you define it? It just seems right and good. It would be right and good to have someone with Ar's cute face for us to love and to raise and to teach - important things and silly things. I well understand that child-rearing isn't all unicorns and rainbows!! It's hard and grueling work, but work done in tremendous love and with such purpose! So, what can be said? I love Ar and it just seems natural to want this with him, even though I don't want to eat babies with spoons - or forks, or even my bare hands. I think it's weird that anyone should want to "scoop off their little cheeks and eat them."

(Seriously - these are quotes I've heard recently, from different people. Disturbing, to say the least!!!! But babies are cute, for sure! Just not edible.)

Maybe if I'd married a real creep it wouldn't matter so much to me. I don't know, but the more in love with Ar I grow, the more I want this with him. That's all I know, folks.

Well, that and that it's wrong - WRONG - to eat baby cheeks!!!! Just say "NO!"

To a watery grave, or not to a watery grave - that is the question

Just the last few days, I've been grappling with this idea... maybe it's because of my dream that I wrote about last time, where I was screaming and sobbing. Then I was drowning, still screaming and sobbing. In order to come to the surface, in order to just survive, I had to stop screaming. Stop taking in so much water. I so vividly recall the feeling of being so far under that water... surrounded with water.... choking on the water.... the struggle and the tears on my wet face. It feels like it really happened. Maybe it did.

Now, please know that I don't actually put a ton of stock in dreams - but I do put some stock in them. The thing is knowing when a dream is just silliness, or if it really means something.

It's like I can still feel that water - and the feeling of struggling so hard to get my head above water, and sobbing and screaming so hard.

Sounds kinda familiar.

Only in my dream, I realized that my screaming is only making it worse for myself.

The memory has taken hold of me more each day.

So maybe it's because of this dream that over the last few days, I've been thinking differently. Wondering differently... Seriously wondering, what if? What if it really just never happens for me? I haven't been thinking this in despair - for once - by the way. More in an intellectual, or philosophical way - definitely personal, but slightly objective. What if it just doesn't happen?

In my dream, I made it to the surface only after I stopped screaming - but then I still had to watch someone else living out my heart's desire. I don't know what happened after I got to shore, I only know that I had to accept the way it was, at that moment. Without screaming.

So, what if I just stop? I'm so tired of struggling. I'm so tired of screaming and sobbing. Of taking in water. But that doesn't mean I don't want this. With all of me, I want to mother Ar's child. That sounds so old-fashioned, doesn't it? But it's in every part of me.

I need to just stop screaming. Stop with the sobbing, already! How will I ever get to the surface like this?

Does not screaming, and not sobbing mean I don't care anymore? Does it mean I've given up?

It's so hard to find balance in this barren land.

Is it possible to be normal and still want this with every breath?

I'm still too overweight right now to really feel it's a good idea to pursue active treatment - I mean, I could do more IUI. I don't know though - as much as I want it, I haven't felt it the right time to jump back into that. It made me into a stark-raving lunatic before - and I'm so very hesitant to want to go through it again. Does that mean I don't want it as much? I honestly don't think it means that, but it's hard to figure out. Speaking of stark-raving lunacy, I'm probably not supposed to get pregnant on my anxiety meds, anyhow - though I know that can be dealt with.

Well, in the meantime, we certainly do keep doing things that theoretically could lead to pregnancy. That is, if you believe that whole myth about sex causing pregnancy... which I don't believe, of course. I'm pretty sure that was a lie made up by our health-ed teachers to get us to not mess around. But, in the unlikely event that sex could lead to pregnancy, if we don't get pregnant after these past few weeks, it's sure not for lack of trying. Sorry if that's too much info, but even though we weren't doing anything specifically with conception in mind, it is impossible - impossible - to not think about it.

So, we've had a nice last couple weeks that way - very enjoyable!! But here I am anyhow, thinking about it.... because, maybe.... it is technically possible, after all, according to those (probably liar) health-ed teachers, anyhow. Sigh, because at the same time I'm seriously contemplating the greater likelihood that it probably is just not ever going to happen for me, and knowing that if I'm going to avoid a watery grave, I must stop screaming.

Can I face an uncertain future without screaming and sobbing?

Can I face it if I don't stop?



Rich Mullins, Nothing is Beyond You