All I have to do... is dream...

Just lately I've been dreaming about IF. Strangely enough, I rarely ever dream about it. I do have very vivid dreams, though - always have. Usually they're fun dreams - or just weird, or goofy anxiety dreams. It's rare for me to have terribly sad or scary dreams. But this week I've had three IF dreams already. Two were very similar to each other, where I was in this sort of large, industrial looking room - and a very pregnant lady was standing next to me, maybe three feet away. Suddenly, she went into labor and was soon giving birth - just standing there! I started screaming at the top of my lungs, "NOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOO!!!!! You can't!! Not fair!!!! NOT FAIR!!!!" I was screaming and sobbing... Sobbing.... Sobbing! Suddenly I realized I was struggling in some sort of body of water - actually under water - and I was still screaming and sobbing. Though submerged and obviously completely soaked, I remember the feel of my own tears on my face... and knew I had to stop screaming so I could get above water. I struggled to the surface and saw the woman there with her baby, just standing there watching me.

I also dreamed that a woman in my office, whose partner is pregnant in real life (newest pregnancy announcement), was the one who was actually pregnant. In real life, I was beyond thrilled to learn that it was her partner who is pregnant - and NOT her!!! I was so not in the mood for yet ANOTHER office pregnancy. She's already the sixth in the office, who will soon be a first-time parent - but at least I don't have to actually see yet another pregnant person!! Anyhow, in my dream, it turned out that she lied and it was her - and not her partner - who was pregnant, after all. And when I found out - I was TICKED OFF, big time!!! I saw her getting coffee and looking six months pregnant. She was wearing the most hideous maternity dress - it looked like a mumu. In real life she never wears dresses, so that was weird enough, but this dream dress was truly awful. In my dream, she was going on and on to someone about her pregnancy etc - and I was getting more and more angry - finally I just started chucking plastic forks at her. Hard! I was pitching them at her by the handful! She just kept talking, like she didn't even notice.... Made me even more angry! Then I woke up ticked - and now I'm watching her carefully, in real life, for signs... just in case.

So... just some strange little dreams that made me feel funky, I guess. One probably doesn't need a doctorate in psychobabble from the University of Sigmund to analyze those dreams, but they sure left me feeling weird.

Gee, if dreams reveal character, I guess these ones don't say much good about my character, eh?

Well, anyhow, I sure hope this isn't a new trend. My life is full enough of other people's pregnancies, as it is. My dreams have been sanctuary. Don't turn on me now, subconscious!!!

On the bright side, I skipped department baby shower number five yesterday - as I skipped the four before it. But the leftover cake was truly fabulous! I don't even feel guilty that I skip the showers and then eat the leftover cake. I am a scoundrel!!!! Clearly, I don't deserve the cake! But I like it! This one was actually from a nice bakery. I figure, hey - they get to have children, the least I can get is a little cake. And eat it too!

Ron's last sermon

I'm simply pasting this in from Ron's CaringBridge page. It was his last sermon.

Here is the “Cliff Notes” version of Ron’s sermon on July 10th - we would encourage you to read it:

Why does God allow bad things to happen to good people?

There is no easy answer but these Biblical principles can help us understand somewhat why bad things happen to good people.

1. We live in a fallen world.

Romans 5:12

12 Therefore, just as sin entered the world through one man, and death through sin, and in this way death came to all men, because all sinned—

Matthew 5:45

that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.

But God didn’t design the world to be this way! He designed a perfect awesome world with no suffering or death. But He gave us “free will” and we as humans choose to do our own thing instead of following God. So because of our choice we have sin in the world and also tornadoes, cancer and other diseases.

Sometimes God intervenes and totally heals us. But He doesn’t always, if he did all the time he would be like a genie, not God. We no longer would be humans responsible for our actions. It would be like a dream world.

But we do know (He is with us at all times comforting us. We know ( I certainly know, that others rise up and encourage, pray and help those hurting. Thank you guys so much!

2. We need to internalize that life is short compared to eternity in an awesome heaven.

Romans 8:18

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.

Revelation 21:4

4 He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

The older you get you realize just how short life is. You think those years with babies will never end…they may never grow up. Ex. The day my children all went to school at the same time, I went to Target by myself, no cart, no babies and I sang, “those were the days my friend we thought they’d never end!”

The older we get the time goes faster and faster. If we stick with the fair/unfair thing we will waste a lot of time. “Where Oh death is now thy sting”…we have victory. (1 Cor 15:55)

The apostle Paul says we need to run the race focused on the prize. The prize is God saying well done good and faithful servant come be with me in heaven. (1 Cor 9:24)

3. We need to internalize God’s incredible, unconditional, and sacrificial love.

John 3:16

“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

Ephesians 3:17-19

17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

We sin against HIM, so the creator of the whole stink’n universe comes down to live as a lowly human, eventually suffering and dying for our sins! How crazy but how perfect that is! No other religion would come close to this godly sacrifice or magnificence! We have a God that wants the best for us and scripture says HE even grieves for us! When you truly internalize these truths you don’t even think about fairness. I’m not making this up, this is how I feel!

4. We need to internalize that God does work out things for good.

Romans 8:28

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him,who have been called according to his purpose.

Example: Running from one lifeguard station to the next on a coastal beach. God is on the hill, He sees the whole beach, all the lifeguard stations. From heaven:

He sees everything,

He hears everything,

His arm is not too short

to reach down and do anything. But we need to know He works it all out for good, but does not always take us out of bad situations.

5. We need to internalize that we don’t know all of God’s ways.

Deuteronomy 29:29

29 The secret things belong to the LORD our God, but the things revealed belong to us and to our children forever, that we may follow all the words of this law.

Romans 11:33-34

33 Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom andknowledge of God!
How unsearchable his judgments,
and his paths beyond tracing out!
34 “Who has known the mind of the Lord?
Or who has been his counselor?”

Our daughter Z needs her medicine to help with her seizures. She resists taking them because she doesn’t understand they are good for her.

Honey Bear (our new kitten) eats people’s hands! She doesn’t know that it is wrong yet.

I don’t know how my brain works (and my wife has always said that sometimes it doesn’t!).... but it still works.

Some of you know (but I don’t know), how electricity works… But it works in my house!

Same with God, some things we need to just trust Him with. Maybe there are some ways of God that wouldn’t be good for us to know.

Would we want to know exactly when we are going to die?

When loved ones will die?

Do we want to know the dirt and worst sins of our friends?

Do we want to personally know all the suffering of the world?

I don’t think so!

In the same way there are some answers to mysteries that God probably holds from us for our good. Maybe if God revealed too much, we would have too much pride and wouldn’t humbly trust Him like he wants us to. I don’t know why, but we do know that God chooses not to reveal some of His ways to us, but it is for our own good.

A day of ups and downs

Today was a super fun day. I went to an old friend's wedding shower! She's so beautiful and truly happy!! I love wuv, twu wuv, after all! And I think that's what's going on here - it's one of those pairings that just seems so right!

However, I hadn't really been sure about going because I wasn't going to know anyone else there, but I really wanted to be there for her. I'm pretty extroverted, but I'm not really great about those initial meetings. I'm not good at small talk. I like just knowing people - and then I'm all about people! Also, I was pretty sure that it wouldn't be long before someone asked me if I had kids... and well, you know how that is.

Surprisingly, it ended up being so very fun - her friends are great and easy-going, like she is - and I just had a wonderful time! No one even asked that nasty question, which was amazing to me - since half of them were moms. Yay!! We were there all afternoon and into the early evening! Nice wine, good people - and a happy occasion! What more can ya ask for, for a Sunday afternoon? (But ooops - I'd told Ar I'd be back well before he got back from his business trip. I planned to have a nice dinner ready for him... Whoopsies!!!! He got home just before me.... But Ar was just happy I had such a nice time at the shower, of course, because he's awesome! I still whipped up something yummy for him!)

But then after dinner, while Ar was watching some show about animals, I happily checked my email and Facebook, only to find that my friend Ron, who I mentioned in my Reason Shmeason post, passed away today.... Oh, Ron.

Every time I saw one of his CaringBridge emails come in, I just dreaded opening it. I knew it would be soon, but I didn't want it to be. The world is so much better with this man in it. I had been on such a high after the fun shower, and now I've just crashed.

A joyous celebration of the marriage that will soon be starting - with all the hope and love in the world, but on the very same day, Ron's wife lost her hubby of nearly twenty years.

What about their date nights? They always prioritized that, no matter what. What will she do on date night? What will she do without the man she planned to grow old with? I mean, I just can't even bear thinking about losing Ar - I don't even want to think about it? I have enough worries as it is. I know one day we'll have to part, but I can't even bear the thought without getting freaky anxious again. But I digress, what of their three kids? They have to grow up without their dad. They're still so young. First dates, proms, graduations, weddings... life.... without dad.

Oh, Ron! You are one of the very finest people I've ever known! Your faith, your encouragement and advice - and fun, laughter, and love of life - is all still so much a part of me. Ron.... I know you're rejoicing in Heaven tonight, but this world is definitely a lesser place without you.


"But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep. For this we declare to you by a word from the Lord, that we who are alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord himself will descend from heaven with a cry of command, with the voice of an archangel, and with the sound of the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive, who are left, will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we will always be with the Lord. Therefore encourage one another with these words." (1 Thessalonians 4:13 - 18)

The Queen Me

Well.... I did it! I turned 40. It happened. And I daresay, I did it in style. Granted, it was my own unique, somewhat juvenile, style... but that still counts! There was no sad attempt to stop it, and no hiding.

When I started this blog, I was absolutely mortified by this upcoming milestone - at least in relation to my infertility. I'd like to tell you I totally got past that, but that would not be a truth. But alas, short of that final journey homeward, nothing stops the passage of time for any of us... no matter how much we may dread it, or even rejoice in it. The passage of time cares not. It cares not for our worries, our insecurities, our denial, or even our happiness or love.... certainly it cares nothing for our talents, or lack thereof, in the procreation department. It knows no stopping, no slowing.... and I regret to inform you that a watched pot does indeed boil.

And that's all ok by me, I guess... I mean, what good would it do me to resist it, anyhow? It's kinda one of those things, you know. So what then? I guess just this: make the best of what we have! Make the best of what we're given! Do our best where we are! Be good stewards!

My tune may change next week - or even tomorrow, mind you. Mayhaps I'm just basking in the glow of almost two weeks of par-taying! Of being treated like a Queen. I haven't settled into real life in my forties yet. It's quite possible that the Queen Me simply hasn't had time to really think or process any of it, now that I'm here.

But today a baby was in our office - one of the MANY, many pregnancies in my little dept of 32 people. I ignored the baby. I always do... I mean, if it were one of my closer friends I wouldn't, but why torture myself with the baby of someone who's kind of rude to me? Why put up the pretense? Carry on, carry on. I didn't cry. That's something, right?

Oh, did I mention that on day three of being 40, which was Monday July 11th, I came into the office to find my computer more or less blown to bits.... at least internally. There had been some really bad storms and they fried it... who knew my company didn't use protection against that sort of thing? Anyhow, so I had to find a new desk to use for the day. I went from desk to desk of the people out just a day because I so did not want to sit at the desk of any of the several gals out on maternity leave. That's mature, eh? Anyhow, because I have some special programs that I need, most computers didn't have those programs... you know it --- I ended up at one of maternity girls' desks. Bummer! Not only that, but she had all these congrats cards and gifts and signs up.

Yup - nothin' like being infertile at 40 years and 3 days - and having to sit in the cube of a coworker on maternity leave all day - surrounded by congrats paraphernalia. Sigh. Can't get any better than that. At least until you get your period later that same day. Good ole AF and her awesome sense of humor! Yup! This is a sadly true story.

My love of irony at least appreciated the scenario on some level.

Sigh.

Anyhow, I guess this is all just the way it goes... it's life. I have to deal with it. I have to keep laughing. And yes, crying if that's where I'm at... in either case, I gotta just keep moving forward. I feel better for having embraced it and laughed a bit.

I'll still avoid the non-friend coworker's babies though.

Anyhow, on to the really fun stuff! My birthday!! It was truly wonderful!

On Friday, July 8 - the day before my birthday - Ar and I hung out. He made me some cute treats and then we played some games outside - ladder ball and frisbee. Just fun! Then my dearest friend L came that night. She lives four + hours away. We went to Pizza Hut, because it's somewhat of a tradition... stemming back from the mid '80s. Then she and I made an ice cream cake for my birthday cake. Ar looked on, being as cute and adorable and sweet as ever!

The next morning - my 40th birthday - Ar woke me up at 6:30 am.... I'm seriously NOT a morning person, but he was standing next to our bed with a tray of chocolate covered strawberries and two glasses of champagne! (To which I said, "where's YOUR champagne, dear?" ) It was so amazing! Just so sweet and romantic! He dipped the strawberries himself!!! I LOVED it!!!! He wanted to do a little something just him and me, before the day started... and since we'd be w/ L and others the rest of the day.... I loved it!!!

After that - a day of fun! Ar, L, and I went to get pedicures! Yes, I made my hubby get a pedicure! L and I get them every chance we get - and we manage to get them together maybe once a year... but how fun to have Ar get one with us!! He was seriously just too cute for words! He's such a good sport!!! However, he wants everyone to know that while he did enjoy the experience, he did NOT get any polish on his toes!!!! I did, of course... my toes are sparkly blue! Love it!

Next we went to a light lunch and then a small kiddy-land amusement park. Brave of me, right? Well, I absolutely adore the Tilt-a-Whirl, so it was worth the risk of seeing so many happy little families. Seriously, Tilt-a-Whirl is like the greatest fun - ever!!! So that was one of the main birthday things I wanted to do! L rode it with me as it makes Ar a little sick, so he was happy that L would go with me this time! (He's definitely put in his dues in the Tilt-a-Whirl department, after all.) It was such fun! Just pure glee!!!!

Next, L and I went to the beach... Ar went home to get a few things ready for the evening's festivities. The beach was super nice - a little sand, a little swimming! Mind you, this is just a small community beach, but it's a nice one. It's no Caribbean Sea off Honduras, but it is nice!

Next came the par-tay... About 15 of us gathered at one of my favorite restaurants - it was a nice evening, so we sat on the patio... it was quite lovely! Ar had gone early to decorate, and arrange a few things. All my most favorite friends from this area were there! Even my very, very, verrrrry pregnant friend made it! She had been uncertain because she was due any minute, but she and her hubby are some of those friends I mentioned in my earlier post, who have been friends since the early/mid 80s... so, long-time and very dear friends!!! She was the person at the par-tay that I've actually known the longest. My most recent friends at that party were friends I met in 2001. It's such a blessing to have the friends I have!!! Anyhow, I loved every minute!! '

Oh, and at dinner, Ar was showing everyone the photo book of our special Honduras trip. He loves that book so much!! That makes me very happy! I think everyone else really enjoyed seeing and hearing more about it. It's not too long , so it's not annoying to anyone. Then after dinner was bowling!! I'm a truly terrible bowler, but it is good fun!!

Yes, it was quite the fun-filled, somewhat juvenile day....

Next day we went to church and then hung out a bit, before L had to go.

Then the following week was full of birthday lunches. Then Thursday night, a good work friend threw a par-tay for me with work friends, at her house. That was really, really fun too!

Then on the weekend, it was on to Milwaukee for more.... I'm originally from Milwaukee - which is about 6 hours away from where I live now. So this past Saturday was par-taying with my family, and then another very lovely par-tay with some more of my oldest and dearest friends.

To sum up, I was treated like a Queen for the past almost two weeks. Don't worry, I won't let it go to my head.

Especially since, sadly, the Queen cannot seem to produce an heir to the throne.

But she still knows how to have a good time... and certainly knows how to surround herself with good people. And she knows she is greatly blessed.

So.... just keep on keepin' on, right! I've made it this far, after all. I've learned a few things along the way, I've kept good company - and I do have faith. So, as always, some days will be better, prouder days than others... but I'll own them all, for they are the days that were given to me. And I'll pray that I may be the exception... that my miracle could still happen. I know the odds are against me, but heck if I'm ready to stop hoping now. We'll see about tomorrow, tomorrow....

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)

Gifts galore and more

Hey, this girl actually looks quite a bit like me... kinda strange to find your doppelganger in clip art!! She has a better fashion sense than I do, though...

Well, the long awaited birthday is quite nearly upon us. I've taken the day off work, because I thought I should enjoy the last day of my thirties by not working!!! Although work was kind of fun yesterday... birthday weeks for me sometimes get a bit slacky. Lots of birthday lunches and cards and fun. One of the people I supervise brought me a chocolate croissant, which is one of my very favorite things, so that was a wonderful surprise. Then my friend K took me out for a lunch, which ended up going 2.5 hours!!!! YIKES!!!! That's a long work lunch, but that's ok for once in a while, right? :-O Anyhow, I love talking with my friend K. She's one of those people I don't get to lunch with often enough, but when we do, we just can't stop talking. We talk about such serious things sometimes, but just are cracking up laughing most of the time, anyhow! Then last night some other co-workers treated me to dinner, and that was really nice. I got a bunch of cards - all of which referenced the good ole, "forty is the new thirty..." or "forty is the new twenty..." By my calculations, that means that forty is the new fifty, right? Yikes!!! Hmm, then again, I never was great at math.

Also, tonight my dearest friend, L, is coming over for the weekend. She lives about four plus hours away, so we don't get to see each other enough! I'm really happy she's coming!! So she'll be here to help us ring in my 40th, which, dumb as it sounds, I just realized will be actually my fifth decade of life!!! Seriously, I only just realized that... I was commenting to someone recently about being about to enter my fourth decade... I mean, I'm going to be forty, right? That's four decades! But as I was speaking, I started to scratch my head a bit, and do a little math... "ok, 10 plus thirty, carry the one.... OH, I've actually already lived four full decades, haven't I? Hmmm. That means I'm entering decade five.... YIKES-a-ROONI!!!!" Yeah, well, I told you I never was very good at math... Good thing they have me in charge of a $5 million budget at work, huh? Ha!

Oh well, so it turns out I've already survived four decades of life. Good job, me!! For such a monumental occasion, I'd like to write about the four best gifts given to me, thus far.


1) My family - this might not be the traditional tribute to one's family, as my family was hardly traditional. We were as dysfunctional as they come!!! Alcoholism reigned over our family; it caused so much grief, and major communication problems that we still struggle with today - to a lesser extent, though. It took Dad away, way too soon, and we miss him. He was a good man, with a lot of demons to fight. But you know, this home, this family - they were a major force for better and worse, during my first two decades. Much of who I am was shaped there. For much of my first two and a half decades, I blamed them for a lot. I had anger about a lot of things. (Believe it or not, back then, I thought I NEVER wanted to have kids because what if I were like my parents? I would rather not have had children, if I couldn't be a good mom... gee, I kinda miss those days of not wanting kids!! Oh well!) But here's the thing... I was loved. I was always loved - and I never doubted that! Yes, there are some trust issues that I have to deal with, and honestly, some of my deep anxieties do clearly stem from that time - and the feelings of fear and lack of security and stability in our home. It was a very, very stormy time! But I see these things clearly, as an adult - I was loved. I was cared for. And I was taught about Jesus and about faith. And about hard work and commitment - even when the going is very rough. I also love my hair color - that comes from dad! So, what can I say, no one is perfect. Things were quite stormy. But I know that my parents did the very best they could with what they were given. They gave all three of us a better life than what they had. We are all happy, relatively successful people in good relationships. So, in the final analysis - my parents did ok. Life is hard and messy and they did the best they could. What more can I really ask for? I'm thankful for them.

2) My time at camp. It is a Christian camp in rural Wisconsin. Much of my second and third decade were spent there. Starting in Jr. High, I started working there weekends and summers. I did that through High School and part of college. Then in between my sophomore and junior years in college, I was held up at gunpoint in Milwaukee. Everything worked out ok, but it made me realize even more, that life is short - try to make the most of it. I was miserable in college and all I wanted was to be back at camp. So I talked camp into creating a full-time position for me. I worked there full-time for five years, as the food service director (i.e., chief cook and bottle washer). It was amazing!!! All my years there were amazing! At some point though, I realized, it was time to move on. I went back to finish a college degree. It was the right decision, but I miss camp every day. I have the best friendships from there. My friend L, who is coming tonight is from there. We met in 1986 and have been together ever since. Camp is the most special place in the world. During so much of the storms that raged in my home, I had camp. The Lord provided, through camp, the safety and security that I so sorely lacked at home. There was the Christian growth I needed. The people who walked the talk.... The encouragement. There was the feeling of accomplishment for my work there as the cook. There were the connections with so many people. The laughs - oh, the laughs!!! The stupidest things, we laughed about. The "Target Runs," which was the big special occasion of "going out." We'd all get dressed up and do our hair and makeup just to go into town and go to the Target store and then maybe for some ice cream. We'd ride there on this big blue bus, singing and being crazy. There was the most special camaraderie on earth!! Silly and wonderful! There was the mission: To know Christ and to make him known. There was the constant discovery of all the many and varied uses for duct tape.... I could write volumes about camp and how special it is. Maybe some day I will, but for now, suffice it to say that it was the best time. There isn't a day that passes now that I don't wish I could bend space and time to combine the best of then with the best of now. I'm thankful for what I had there, and what I carry with me from there.

3) My friends. I am just so grateful for the friends that God has blessed me with. Again, what I may have lacked in stability at home, was given to me in friendships. Those rare and beautiful - true - friendships. I have plenty of more surface friendships as well, and they have their place and they are enjoyable. But it's those rare ones I'm thinking of now. Those friends who have seen you through so very many chapters of your life.... who know you. Who know how stupid and silly you can be, how scared, how ornery and unreasonable - and love you all the same. Some of my very closest friends have been my friends since the early and mid 1980s (since the days of really big hair and blue eye-shadow) and others since the mid and late 90s. These are the people who saw me through those family troubles, through dad dying.... I'll never forget that L found out about my dad's death before I did (because I was out shopping - this was well before cell phones being the norm) - and found a way to scrape together change from her dorm mates in college, to take the bus to my college an hour away... she was there right after I found out. She stayed with me until my brother came and picked me up. These friends have been there for me in so many countless ways over the years.... spanning three of my four decades and counting. I'm thankful for these dear people, who for some strange reason really, really like me - even still.

4) Last, but not least, my Ar. He represents my fourth decade of life, and counting. My thirties were the decade of Ar. And overall, it's been a wonderful decade. He is everything I said above about my friends, but even more so. No one has seen me as vulnerable as he has. No one on earth loves me more fiercely and passionately than he does. I can hardly believe it, most of the time. Particularly in light of the infertility issues, he has seen me at my very worst - my panic attacks, my grief... and he loves me through it all. There is no doubt in my mind that he loves me and will be with me, for as long as he has a say in the matter. By the time I had met him, at 29, I had started to think I might not ever get married. And after much soul-searching and prayer and study, I'd come to feel that that was ok. I didn't need to be married, I'd be ok. But then came Ar. He wasn't at all who I would have expected, had I expected anyone. We have the funniest differences and the weirdest similarities. Somehow we balance each other out just right. On paper none of it would have seemed right. No dating site would have matched us up, that's for sure... yet we are just right for each other. He is indeed the butter to my bread. I adore him. I'm so incredibly thankful for him. (And I so want to have his kids all the more because of all this. If I don't, at least we'll still always be us. And that is pretty incredible, in its own right!)

So there you have it, what I consider my four greatest, of many other, gifts on this earth. Though I did not specify, in this setting, such overarching gifts as God's love and salvation, and the strength that he gives me to face each and every tomorrow, please know that I consider these the mother of all gifts!! There is not a single gift above that I don't, with heartfelt praise, thank my Heavenly Father for, because:

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change. (James 1:17)

Reason shmeason!

Everything happens for a reason.

Or so I've been told.

In fact if I had a dollar for every time I've heard that, I'd be a very wealthy woman, indeed!

Those of us who struggle with infertility are not the only ones who hear or say this saying, of course. It's a common refrain in times of trouble. It seems to sort of just be the common response to a hardship. It seems to be accepted widely as gospel truth, though I've not seen evidence to support this in scripture. (Though I'm very far from being any kind of Biblical scholar!!)

Anyhow, I suppose some find comfort that somewhere down the line there must be a reason for the hardship.... some grand idea or blessing that will one day be revealed and all will be well!! I'm not saying this in a belittling way - really! We all have different beliefs and ways of coping and I would never (intentionally) belittle someone else for their different thought. It's just that it's never really been a comforting thought for me. And I find that I actually don't believe it's true. I don't think I've ever believed that it's true, but I think that I've just let it pass over me before - sort of accepting it with a passive doubt. More and more lately, I realize just how not true I think it is. It's untruth (in my eyes) seems more important to me lately.

Is there a reason for my infertility? Is there a reason for my brother's MS?Is there a reason that the poor little girl, who is currently all over the news because of today's jury verdict, was killed? Is there a reason one of the little patients - just a baby - I tried to help at my work died... a year after her older sister (2 years old) died of the same disease? Is there a reason my friend L in a fraction of a second swerved to avoid a deer, only to crash into a tree and become paralyzed?

Is there a reason my 52 year old friend R has a now untreatable melanoma and hasn't long to live? He has a wife and three kids. One of the kids has special needs... My friend is by far one of my most favorite people in my entire history. He is true-blue... he's fun and hilarious and encouraging in the most easy-going and genuine way. He's a huge Holy Grail fan and he's a pastor of the church he started 10 years ago. He is so loved.

Honestly, I don't know... I used to struggle with this question about my own situation with infertility - thinking somehow I must have done something really wrong. Or that God knew I'd be a terrible mom and that's why I couldn't have kiddies. Or I hoped that those who say it all happens for a reason were right and that maybe it would all someday be revealed that it really was all for the better.

But I don't think this anymore. While I know there are consequences for our actions and choices, I don't think I deserve or chose my infertility. That little girl certainly didn't deserve to be killed. My friends and brother didn't deserve their life-altering health problems. And I don't think that God made all these things happen to prove a point or to make something else happen down the road.

I do think that through one man sin and death entered the world. I think that all these things are a result of that sin and death. And I don't think there's a reason beyond that.

However, I also believe that we have one amazing God and savior, who strengthens us in all of these troubles and who is our Hope and our Joy even in the very worst of circumstances. And that He works all things for the good of those that love Him (Romans 8:28.)

I believe that through these results of sin and death, we can either grow closer to Him or we can grow bitter and run away.

We can either turn ourselves outward to help others, or inward because we think no one helped us.

With God's help we can either be stronger, better people, or we can become weaker and wither away into complacency or anger.

Maybe it's just semantics, because I do believe that God can and does use our weakness and circumstances to grow us and to help others - and that all of this can ultimately bring glory to Him. I just don't believe that God made these things happen for a specific reason. In any case, it would be of no comfort if it did. It seems a bit of a misguided, or false hope.

So, why did my dad die at just 46 years old? Well, for many years he was a very heavy drinker and though he'd given it up in his last couple years, it had taken its toll. But why did I have to lose my dad when I was only 18? Was there a good reason for that that would someday be a blessing to me? I don't think so - I didn't bring that about.... I seem to miss him more and more the older I get. But I have been able to use my pain to be there for others in their losses. I think it's made me more empathetic, more compassionate. My friend R, who is now dying, was there for me in those years after my dad died. He was such an encouragement. He is a Godly man who in his own fun, easy way always encouraged me to encourage others. To not feel sorry for myself, but to deal with it and then give to others.

I guess what there is a reason for is my rambling on about this... Strangely enough, that reason isn't infertility (though the lesson applies to it). My heart is just broken lately with the news of my friend R's worsened disease. He is not expected to be around much longer. The world is a far better place with him in it. This has been so heavy on my heart. His wife... his kids... I just can't imagine. He's the most vibrant man, full of life... But he is the last one to say that it's not fair or, "why me?" so I won't disgrace him by saying it either.

He wrote, "we're bummed, but not depressed."

"God says His grace is sufficient for me, and yet I do struggle. Pray with me that I would continue to see Grace all around me."

"So how do I cope? And why don’t I ask, “WHY ME” to God at times? It helps that before this illness began that I was convinced of God's incredible, unconditional, sacrificial love for me. How incredible that the God of the universe would send his Son Jesus to die for me, someone who has sinned against Him. Because He has established this relationship with me I have learned to just trust Him."

And so I just hope his final encouragement will really stick with me this time. That I will finally stop asking "why me?" that I will simply trust what I know - not that everything happens for a reason or that God personally controls every single event, despite our own choices and actions - but that God is still good! Always has been, always will be. His Grace is sufficient for me.

My hope cannot be in what might come of this or that, or in my perceived ability to make sense of something. Those hopes seems to just be a shadow of True Hope. My Hope must simply be in Him regardless of circumstances. Regardless of the outcome. These are things I've always known, but they are hard lessons to always truly know in our innermost being, truly live out.


That doesn't mean I won't continue to feel bummed, and I don't need to hide it. But I don't need to keep searching for the reason, when I already know the answer.


“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)