A dweam wifin a dweeeam....

Last night I dreamed that I was sashaying (actually sashaying!!!!!) down the street singing... no, more like - exuberantly belting out - the following tune,

"You've got to.... laugh a little... cry a little... until the clouds roll by a little.... That's the story of... that's the glory of... love..."

And all the people on all the streets were absolutely moved!! And no, I don't mean they all ran away from my awful singing - I mean that they LOVED ME!!!! They were mesmerized! It was seriously the best dream ever!!!!

Truth be told, I love to sing - and have no real shame about how awful I sound - so this dream was like a dweeam wifin a dweeeeam for me!! (That's dream within a dream, in case you're not a Princess Bride fan.)

Anyhow, I mentioned my dweam, errr, dream, this morning on Facebook. One of my friends responded with this, "Oh. My. Goodness. Gosh I love your posts. If you had a blog, I'm telling you, you'd get your own t.v. show..." Of course my ego loves the positive feedback on my humor, but I found her comment today to be beyond amusing since, in fact - if you're reading this you already know this - I already have a blog.

Of course, only Ar and two friends actually know about this blog, other than the friends I've met out here in Blogville. AND, as you also know, my blog is just not particularly entertaining at all! It's not intended to be. It may actually be downright depressing and whiny, come to think of it... But it's also been therapeutic. In any case, her remark was pretty hysterical in the, "isn't it ironic?" department.

Anyhow, it really made me think though. IF has actually kind of given me something good. It's taught me who my very truest friends are. Those who can really know me - struggles and laughs and everything in between - and still love me. They may be fewer than I'd thought, but that makes them all the more golden. I'm so grateful for this!

And I do love to laugh and to make others laugh, so thank God for all manner of friends. Those I can laugh with, those I can cry with - and especially those who I can do both with.

(Ar is most definitely included in that group of friends who love in laughter and tears, through thick and thin... even though the stinker says we're not friends because we're better than friends - but I insist that we're both!!!)

Well, again with the irony... this whole thought process started with a dream about me randomly singing the Glory of Love, which is actually quite fitting. So, I'll close with some Bette today. Enjoy!

If I stand

Well, in exactly two weeks - fourteen little days - I will be forty years old. There is no turning back and no slowing things down. But on the bright side, in the last week, I've been given some incredibly helpful advice..... I've been told to not worry about forty, that "forty is the new thirty," that the forties are the best years, and that it's really not a big deal. Gee, if only I'd known that forty was the new thirty, I wouldn't have been upset at all. Silly me. Yeah, thanks for the empathy, my well-meaning, but unseeing, fertile friends! Yes, every one of them has kids already.

Thing is, I listen with concern as they talk about their motherhood and pregnancy difficulties... I don't understand why they can't try, for even half a second, to understand why I'm so freaked out about this. Oh well. In the meantime, the party planning is proceeding... I will turn forty and we will celebrate. IF is trying its darnedest to rob me of my joy of birthdays, but it won't take me down without a fight. Sigh.

Also in the last week, I've found out about three more pregnancies and two more births. Another will likely give birth any day now. I've literally lost count of all the pregnancies and newborns in my life right now. It's like a regular baby boom, these days - I can't keep track anymore. And good for them!! It's lonely here, but I would not want anyone else to go through this. I'm so grateful for the cyber company I've found in this journey, for the support and prayers - and for knowing that though this is lonely, I'm not alone in these crazy ups and downs. Still, I sure wish we could have all met up under better circumstances!! I do pray that better circumstances are around the corner for all of us!

In the meantime, what's a girl to do?

We're always walking such a fine line, aren't we? That line between hope and despair, trying to keep it all in balance... it takes so little to knock us one way or the other. In my experience, too much hope (who knew before IF that there could be such a thing as too much hope?) is a set-up for certain emotional disaster. But too much despair leads to the same place. So we try to carefully traverse that fine line - never daring to hope too much, but never wanting to give in to despair.

So, what is a girl to do, anyhow?

Besides feel a bit crazy, that is....

I wish this forty thing wasn't doing its best to throw me so far over that despair line? I mean, what is my problem? I love everyone's birthdays!! Hey - we were born! We're still alive - that's super awesome!!! Right!?! So what then - do I now think my reproductive parts know it's almost my big four-oh-no? Maybe there's some actual alarm that will actually go off in my nether regions that will signal them to work even less than they already do? I don't know - guess I'll find out in fourteen days. I'm sure I'll let you all know! Who knows - maybe it'll be so loud that you'll hear it for yourselves... So, I guess if you hear some glass-shatteringly loud screeching sounds on Saturday, July 9, you'll know to just turn towards Minnesota and give a little salute for a fellow comrade.

So then.... what is a nearly forty year old girl to do? Most of the time I just don't know. I guess most of the time, I figure it's best to just keep on swimming.

But as I swim, I'll continue to try to cling to what I know.... that for the past thirty-nine years and fifty weeks, God has been good to me. He has been faithful. I trust He will not stop being good or faithful to me after forty. I don't know the expiration date of my potential fertility, but I do know that there is no expiration on God's love. I do trust in this. So if I stand, I will stand on the promise that He will pull me through.


But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.” The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. (Lamentations 3: 21-25)

Tacos and other endings

I just realized I haven't written anything yet in June. There's no particular reason for that... I've been thinking about it, I guess I've just been extra busy and haven't had as much time to mull things over. Though it's been said that the unexamined life isn't worth living, it sure can be a blessing to step back from too much examination, sometimes.

Ar has been home a lot lately - even on the weekends! This means I've had several very nice weekends in a row!!! I love when he's home! It's so much more fun!!! He'll soon start being busy with work again on the weekends, so I have to really take advantage when I can!

Still, here I am again... and despite the really nice last few weeks, I am having a bit of a meltdown today.

See, today is the first day of the last AF of my 30s. Weird!!!! I hadn't thought of it that way until today. I knew AF would probably show up today or tomorrow, and I wasn't terribly surprised when it showed up at work today. I tried to tell myself that... tried to say that I was expecting it... just take it in stride... tried to not let it get to me. I have plenty of experience dealing with it after all, right? But as I was walking from the bathroom back to my cubey, I realized that this is the last AF of my 30s.

Until today, there was some small.... miniscule... infinitesimally unlikely chance that I could still conceive a child in my 30s.... but now there is absolutely no chance of it. No last minute miracle. No hail mary pass into the endzone... nothing.

Sure, it could happen in my 40s... I'm not done yet. Not completely. Apparently there's still a 5% chance of conceiving in any given cycle. I'm assuming that refers to women who do not have PCOS, though...

"Fertility peaks in most women in the 20s, and gradually begins to decline in the late 20s. At around age 35, fertility starts to decline at a much more rapid pace. For example, in any given month, your chances of getting pregnant at age 30 are about 20%. At age 40, your chance of getting pregnant in any given month is just 5%."

The good news is that I've lost a few more pounds, but I'm still so far from where I think I should try IUI again...

I just feel like a freight train has hit me. I felt so happy the last few weeks... Ar was home. We were having fun. I've been planning my big 4-O bash... But now I just feel like I've been clobbered.

And there is just so much excessive fertility around me... so many newborns... so much happiness.

I did send a very nice note to my friend who just had her 2nd baby - I did this just today. After staring at her newborn pics on Facebook for about 20 minutes... taking every ounce of energy to keep holding back tears because I was at work and I have to have my happy face on there. I can't ever let them see me flinch, or so my boss has told me.

But Ar mercifully took me to lunch - tacos... my favorite. I appreciate him so much. But I just can't stop melting down....

And get this - I had an appointment with my therapist tonight, but I canceled. I just don't even want to go through the motions. I just wanted to be home. Besides, what can she say? What can she do? What's going to make a difference? What will make me feel better? Nothing. The only thing right now is that Ar took me for tacos today. I know he loves me no matter what. That's the only thing that even remotely is breaking through right now. I just feel so broken. Completely broken.

I guess that's all I have to say about any of that. Next time AF shows up, I'll already be 40. I'm sure my 40s will bring plenty more AFs... until they stop. And then.... ??? In the meantime, I just can't stop crying.

I'm not going to proof this or edit it, so forgive me if there are any typos or major flaws. I am just so tired. And everything hurts. And usually by now in my blog writing, some verse or song is popping into my head, but I am just empty right now. Nothing is coming but more tears. And so with that, I'll sign off for now.