I'm currently on vacation in one of the tiny Bay Islands of Honduras. It's beautiful and hot and beautiful!!! This is where my darling Ar was born and lived for his first 13 years, before moving to the US. It's amazing to finally see where he was born and all the places and many of the people that are so special to him. I see his adorable little ghost all over this place - and I love that best of all!!! I'm sweltering in the heat, but loving it! I especially love being in the water... mmm, so nice!!! Considering it was snowing in MN just last week still, which is absurd, by the way, this is more than wonderful!! A funny thing here, though... the folks here are very different about weight issues, than they are in the U.S. Here they will just come out and say that you're big or fat. They don't care. And if someone tells them they're big or fat - they don't seem to care about that either. It's just a fact to them, it seems - like noticing you got a hair cut or something. It's wild. It's like their self-esteem is not in any way attached to their weight. Mine, unfortunately, is. I've always kind of known this about Ar's family, but because they live in Massachusetts and we in Minnesota, we don't see them enough to really have it impact me. And truly, they're wonderful folks and I think they're great, so I've tried to not worry about that. But here, it's much more frequent. Here, every day someone is saying something about how big I am. UGH!!!! In fairness, many of them are saying I'm so "big and beautiful" and things like that... and seem to somehow mean it in a not-so-terrible way. But still, I hate this part! I had to fight a lot of my anxiety issues to get here, despite how much I did want to come, so that part is pretty difficult for me. My dear Ar keeps reminding me how beautiful I am and how much he loves me. He's so good to me. But yeah... that's one of the strange things here, for me. Thankfully no one has asked me when we're going to have kids, so far... we still have a week left here (for two weeks total.) I've been dreading that question - as I always do. Though his immediate family all live in the states, he still has a lot of family here, so it seems likely it could happen. We'll see. But there are a ton of little ones around and like three couples who just had twins! And I'm also hearing stories about women with several children - who all have different dads, and I'm not saying that with judgment - of course some of them are still wonderful moms, but somehow it hurts a bit to hear... is that wrong? Is that too judgy? Some of the stories are just more than a bit difficult for an infertile woman to hear.
Yeah, with my insider's view, I see that there is a fair amount of sadness here, in paradise - as well as beauty and wonder! All of this is true in the states, too, of course! And everywhere, I imagine - short of Heaven. I guess I just don't see a lot of it in our personal lives back home, so I can distance myself a bit from it. Still, you hear things on the news and such that are just unbelievable. I can't help but once again wonder why so many kids are born into situations that are so very difficult and sad. I have a husband who adores me and I him... we're by no means financially well-off, but we do fine and can take care of things. We would do alright!I never fully understand this, this... discrepancy in parenting, or whatever you call it . Obviously, there are tons of wonderful, imperfect but loving, parents - but then there are the others, who put their children into varying degrees of heartbreaking situations, over and over again. We all have heard about them.
It sort of relieves my worries that I would be a terrible mother... I just don't think that's true - it's not true. I'd be a very imperfect, but loving mother. And though that's more than I can say for much of what I hear and see, I have to remember that, though I do believe in God's love and providence, that doesn't necessarily dictate who gets a child...Infertility is not a judgement, it's a medical condition, one way or another. When sin came into the world, so did disease and illness and heartbreak. I sometimes have to remind myself of this. I believe it, but sometimes I struggle with my feelings and worries about this. Honestly, I have a hard time with this concept because I believe so much in the power and love of God - and I believe in miracles, so I wrestle with this concept.... I wrestle with, if God loves me and God can make miracles, why not this? And why do they get this, when they clearly do not take care of their children. God loves them too, of course... I don't know. Yeah, despite my feelings, I know that one would be hard-pressed to argue that fertility is given based on merit or qualifications, so I need to start cutting myself some slack on this - keep fighting those nagging doubts.
Anyhow, maybe it's just why not ---- yet? I hope so, but it may not be. In any case, I certainly don't believe that God is some jolly Santy Claus figure in the sky, just waiting to dole out whatever I want, so I don't know how to resolve this just yet. I know that there's more than this world, and there is more than this problem of mine. There is more, and I am more. And I know He loves me way more than I can ask or imagine, so I will continue to try to walk forward in faith that He is making all things beautiful in their time. In related news, I also think I should be getting AF any day now. Paradise has me a little off on what time in my cycle it is, but I can feel it coming on... I guess if it really comes, that will ruin that myth that infertiles just need to go on a lovely holiday, relax and they'll magically become pregnant. Bummer! I was really counting on that one... ha ha. Oh well, maybe paradise will soften that blow a bit. I hope so! Either way, early morning meetings snorkeling in the sea with Ar, followed by banana pancakes or eggs, beans, and tortillas is far superior to early morning meetings at work. This I know for sure.
Also, it's a fact that darling Ar is quite the guy - and I'm so proud to be here as his wife, no matter how big and infertile I am!!! He doesn't care - he really doesn't... he simply loves me. What a thing!!!!
"The Tapestry:
My life is but a weaving between my God and me,
I do not choose the colors, He worketh steadily.
Oftimes He weaveth sorrow, and I in foolish pride,
Forget He sees the upper, and I the underside.
Not till the loom is silent, and shuttles cease to fly,
Will God unroll the canvas and explain the reason why.
The dark threads are as needful in the skillful Weaver's hand
As the threads of gold and silver in the pattern He has planned."
(Unknown author - at least to me!)
Of course, as you might have suspected, AF indeed reared her ugly head during my Honduran holiday. I did my best to ignore it, but somehow it wasn't until AF came that people started asking if we had kids. Sigh. That's just the way it goes, I guess.
