Goodbye 2011

"And ye, who have met with Adversity's blast,
And been bow'd to the earth by its fury;
To whom the Twelve Months, that have recently pass'd
Were as harsh as a prejudiced jury -
Still, fill to the Future! and join in our chime,
The regrets of remembrance to cozen,
And having obtained a New Trial of Time,
Shout in hopes of a kindlier dozen." (Thomas Hood)

Ar surprised me with breakfast in bed this late morning, after we both slept in. The menu consisted of: chocolate turtles and red wine!!! Hee!!! I love that man!!!! As we enjoyed our crazy little breakfast, we reviewed over 2011....

We spoke first of the difficulties - there were some steep difficulties, after all, notably, my escalated anxiety/panic, our continued grief over infertility - the gaping loss of that which I've never had... Also, a fair amount of difficulty in business... The loss of special loved ones, such as two of his beloved aunties, my friend Ron, and my friend's mom. We drank a toast to those that we've lost....

Then we talked about the loveliness of 2011 - and there was definitely loveliness, most notably that we are so happy together!!! That I faced my panic and sought help, and am doing much better... Our wonderful trip to Utila in May, other nice trips we took, our family and friends. Also, though business and finances are tough, we did make a decision/implemented a plan that should really make a difference financially - and we've learned from some of the difficulties. Last, but not least, that our recent decision to get back into fertility treatment has been off to a good start, at least, with receiving the good news about all of our counts etc.

It was a sweet and good time to review things like that. I'm not a believer in New Year's resolutions really, but it is a good time to review and reassess where we are and where we're going. I'm sure we'll speak more of our hopes and plans for 2012 over the course of the weekend - we've been talking about that the last few weeks already, actually - but the truth is no one can really know what the next day will bring, let alone the next year. That's ok. We'll take it a day at a time, going forward the best we can towards those goals that we set forth, knowing that we are in it together - no matter what. Adjustments will need to be made, there will be lovely and not so lovely times, there will be tears - there will be laughter - and there will definitely be much love. And God will be good.

Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost. (Romans 15:13)

Baby shopping and babbling

Ok, I wasn't actually shopping for a BABY, I was shopping FOR a baby.... or really, for Ar's cousin in Utila, Honduras, who is a new mom. She's a sweet and kind young lady, mind you, but it was hard to watch the evolution on Facebook. I did not hide her. I do hide most pregnant women, but there are a few who I keep, either because they're dear enough to me that I want to keep them, or because they're not obnoxious. In any case, I'm always happy for everyone, but it can still feel rather like torture at times... Anyhow, she had her baby - a little girl. It was hard, but I really wanted to buy them a few things. I haven't been baby shopping in quite a while. For everyone else, I get gift cards - easy peasy - no emotional breakdowns in the store... better for all parties. There are no such stores on the island, however, so gifts it was. I did make Ar come with me though... and then made him take me to $0.99 tacos at my favorite place afterward. I figured that would make it much easier. It did!!!

But seriously, why do baby clothes have to be soooooooo cute???!!!! They're full of little monkeys and duckies. Adorable!!!! I did have to avoid the Classic Pooh section, because that's my favorite. That makes me break down every single time.

I just can't help picturing what our child might look like wearing this or that. It's so hard.

Well, anyhow, I did it - it was my first time venturing into those aisles in, probably, a couple years... seriously!!! Avoidance is one of my greatest skills, after all. It's served me well, but I realize it is a blessing - and a curse.

Anyhow, we also picked up some vitamins for Ar. His counts were all good, but I suppose it can only help to have him get a little boost. We just did Men's Multivitamins.

I estimate that around this time next month, we should be getting to IUI time! I can't believe it.

I wish I could magically weigh much less, but I can maybe only weight 5 - 8lbs less, at most, I imagine. Christmas treats probably didn't help matters. Well, we'll just do the best we can, right?

I find myself feeling very excited and hopeful for this new year coming up. It feels odd that I've felt so stable and hopeful for a while now... I guess since we decided to pursue treatment again. There's something to be said for making a decision and pursuing it, I suppose. I do know that treatment and drugs will bring their ups and downs, but in the meantime, it feels good to be feeling so stable and hopeful - and excited!! Not in a crazy, frenetic way - but just a hopeful anticipation.

Oh, and, one of my friends, a very lovely person who I met on Facebook because of IF, and I are going to be IUI buddies... we're getting into this at about the same time!! Her for the first time, me, of course, for the second. Well, we decided we really need to buy fun socks (the same as each other) to wear for our IUIs!!! This just somehow seems fun and appropriate!! So here's what we picked:

Aren't they great? They're cute and adorable and colorful - and they're dinosaurs saying "RAWRRRRR," which is exactly what we are saying to IF!!!! Well, it all makes sense to us, anyhow....

It is soooo nice to have friends in all this now!! It's so nice!! I hate that anyone has IF, but what a blessing to have found people through this blog, and through Facebook, that I can relate to in this. Such a blessing!!! This only happened because I opened myself up to that. I took the risk of stepping out of my private hell, which was scary for me - but it's been a blessing!!! Thank God for camaraderie and gallows humor and hope!!!

I pray regularly for you few who I know regularly check my blog, and for my friends on my Facebook groups! I hope and hope 2012 is the year for all of us, one way or another.

Well, that's enough babbling -- for now...

Good night, sleep tight! ♥

Hopest of hopes

Merry Christmas, friends!!!!! It's hard to believe it's here again, but it is. Seems the years just travel around faster and faster... Sometimes that makes me sad. Forty years old and childless at Christmas. No children to teach about that babe in a manger, to go fill up boxes for Operation Christmas Child, to bake with... honestly, the baking is where I feel it the most. It probably sounds silly, but oh how I want to have a little one to teach and bake with.... to pass my recipes to. To teach our traditions - to create new traditions together. It's so hard! No doubt, I thought I'd have a little one or two by this Christmas... Milestones are so tough, but Christmas is still a joy!! IF cannot take that away because Christmas is bigger than IF. It's bigger than everything, really. Christmas is about that babe in a manger - why he came and what he did and who he is. So while there are some sad moments, I feel such joy as I think of our Savior in his swaddling cloths. Such hope he brought into the world that holiest of nights.... the hope that fills me still. Things are hard - things are so very hard, and we are not as strong as we thought we were, but that hope - that hopest of hopes - that hope is ours! That hope won't let us down - no matter what! May the peace that passes all understanding be yours this Christmas - and always. Merry Christmas!!!!

Are we as strong as we think we are?

"We are frail
We are fearfully and wonderfully made
Forged in the fires of human passion
Choking on the fumes of selfish rage
And with these our hells and our heavens
So few inches apart
We must be awfully small
And not as strong as we think we are..." (Rich Mullins)

I'm a huge Rich Mullins fan - always have been, always will be!! So many of his songs speak to me on this very real, very deep level. For some reason this song just popped into my head today on my way home from the doctor (not IF related.) I've thought of these words a lot over the last year or so.... In my admitted weakness over this last couple years, I've really begun to appreciate the truth of this, that indeed, I am not as strong as I thought I was.

And that's ok.

Sometimes (on Facebook) Resolve, or some other IF related organization will ask something like, "What's the biggest thing you've discovered about yourself through your IF journey?" Many women answer that they've found they were stronger than they thought. In the last year +, I've answered the opposite, that I am not as strong as I thought I was. Plain and simple. That's a little hard to take at first, and some would balk to even read this, I think. But now, I embrace it. I'm good with it. I don't need to be strong. I think my errant belief in my own strength is what sort of did me in before - or at least contributed to it.

See, I've long believed that the Lord is my strength. But that belief has probably been more academic to me, in all honesty. In practice, I've felt I need to show the world... go it alone... make it happen.... stick-to-itiveness and sheer force of will will bring me through.

Not this time. Not anymore. I am not as strong as I thought I was - and that's ok because,

"The LORD is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts, and I am helped; my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to him." (Psalm 28:7)

Along with this realization, I've realized that I have hope. Not that desperate kind of "it has to happen because I'm going to make it happen" crazed sort of hope. And not that crazed, sort of delusional, against all odds kind of hope, either. I realized today that I feel true hope. My regular doctor, who I was seeing for an unrelated reason, asked me how the RE stuff was going. I told her that we just found out the tests were all good - and that we're planning on IUI at the end of January. I also found myself asking her if I would still see her, if we were to get pregnant - so we talked about that. As I drove home, I wondered why I would ask her that. After all, the likelihood is still against us. But acknowledging that didn't make me feel bad, any more than imagining I could get pregnant from IUI made me unreasonably exuberant. It didn't - it just felt - like me. Hopeful, yet rooted.

As I drove home, I found myself praying... In itself, that's not so odd, but to be honest, prayer hasn't come as easily to me as it used to. I regret that that is true, but it is. So, I found myself praying that I would always remember that the Lord is my strength and my shield, that I would trust in him and his help, and give thanks to him. I prayed that this would be true, no matter what our outcome. I know who I am. I am a child of God! And I don't need to be as strong as I thought I was. I am God's child!! I - am - God's - child!!! And if he loves me half as much as I love the children I've never had, that would be a miracle in itself!!! Yet I know that he loves me about a jillion times more than I can ever even ask or imagine. So whether or not I have a child myself, will not change the fact that I am his. And as I reflect back on who I was after my last IUI, two years ago, the sad fact is that I wasn't actually in any shape to be a mother. I don't know that I am now, but at least I know I don't know - ya know?

Oh, Lord, help me to live what I know is true - help me cling to that truth, rather than the lies that come so easily in this world... and in this IF nightmare. And for those of my friends, who are so hurting right now, especially in the holiday season, which should be so joyful, but can be so painful, I ask for your peace and your hope to fill them.

And now, I give you the full song: We are not as strong as we think we are. (How I love and miss Rich Mullins!)

Weekends are lovely!

My post today has nothing directly to do with the weekend, but I thought it would be nice to state the obvious!!!! I love weekends - especially when my Ar is around!! He did work this weekend - but nearby, so he was home in the evenings = YAY!!!! He's such a cutie!!!! Anyhow, the weekend was lovely starting with my RE appointment, all the way to now - and actually, hopefully through tomorrow as I am off work tomorrow too!

So, the weekend got off to an early start when I took Friday afternoon off work to go to the long awaited RE appointment. And without further ado.... (drumroll please....) It's all good!! At 40 and 54, we may be older than the average TTC couple, but no one told our bodies!!! All the tests came back, well, great!! Ar's morphology was actually even better than it was two years ago!! We don't know why that is, but are so grateful! (He never had a problem with count or motility, but morphology was a bit low last time.) All my results were great too!! I was worried about my ovarian reserve, but that, and everything, was so positive!! Very encouraging!! The RE was very pleased with our prospects. He did say it would be a good idea to try to lose some weight, but not to worry about it at all. He did comment that if we need to do IVF, then I'd have to lose weight first. I was already aware of that, and he is so kind and encouraging about it all that it doesn't bother me to have him say it. It's amazing how two doctors can say essentially the same thing, and one makes you feel like dirt and the other like dancing!

Anyhow, as for the plan, it's too late to get started with IUI for December because of the holidays, but the plan is to start back into IUI for January!! This time we'll use injectibles instead of Clomid, so we'll have to do another injection training before then.

So, AF should be here any day - and we'll just wait it out till the next AF and get started up all over again!

It's kind of crazy for me to believe that we're back here again, after how hard it had been since our last IUI. But we are - and I think it's right. It feels right. Things are so different now, in so many ways. I still have the lovely and supportive Ar, of course! Now I also have so much more emotional support from other women who understand these things, which is priceless! Being able to just talk to my therapist makes such a difference too, and discovering how therapeutic it is to just write out my thoughts, feelings, and fears in this blog also has been a life-changer for me. I am so grateful for all of these!!

Unfortunately, though in so many ways I'm much healthier, I am also older and weigh more than then. Still, all things considered, I feel good about taking these steps. I've been so calm and positive feeling about all of this lately, and was so patient waiting for the results of these tests. I was particularly proud about that! It was a choice for calm and patience - and I followed through on it.

Now, none of these touchy feely things mean anything as far as what our outcome will be, of course, but if they make the process better, then that will be a blessing in itself. Our good test results give us a fighting chance! No matter what the process or outcome brings, I do feel that I'm better prepared to deal with it in a healthier way. Mind you, I don't by any means mean that I won't ever be emotional or ridiculously sensitive, or worry, or experience all the highs and lows of the IF treatment roller coaster. What I mean is that I want - I need - I choose - to avoid the panic attack road that I ended up on before. I have so many more outlets now, and no longer feel the need to be so tightly in control. I cannot change what has happened before. I cannot change my medical condition. I cannot make us younger or give us more time. I certainly cannot choose the outcome. I can, however, choose to pray, to reach out, and to let go - of the anxiety, shame, fear, and need for control.

RE appt and human thoughts...

I haven't been on here quite as much lately, mostly because things have been so busy lately. Busy-ness is not always good for reflection, but that is always a bit of a blessing in itself... Balance is good. I think things are settling down a bit.

The other reason for not being on as much is that I haven't had much going on. I've largely been trying to ignore our RE appt for today, so that I wouldn't get nervous! Today I'm starting to feel nervous again. What if he has decided since I last saw him (last month) that I really am too old and fat... ugh! He poo-pooed that before, but I'm still nervous about it.

But, nonetheless, we will face it all together. Our appointment is at 1:45 today. Yikes!!! I've been looking forward to it, and am proud of myself for not being anxious about the results of our testing. We should get the results today and discuss next steps. I'm sure they've had the results for a while now, but I haven't called for them or anything. I knew it wouldn't help and so I've decided to just work on patience int his process. What a novel idea, eh? That was not something I excelled at last time we went through treatment.

I've been struggling with some other ideas lately though - maybe to make up for calmness about this. Ha! It will pass, but just thoughts of envy, I suppose... we're not doing great financially. We're ok, but definitely struggling. I'm not a very materialistic person in general, but sometimes... I just want to go to a Packers game! I want a smart phone! I don't want the world. I'm content living simply, for the most part - and I know full well that we live waaayyyyy better than so many people. But sometimes it's hard. I hate those times. It can be a battle.

And there's this little part of me that sometimes says, "Hey - why do they get kids AND go to multiple games AND have all the latest technology?" I tell that part to shut up, but she does get to me sometimes...

But here's the thing... I am not saying that people who have all that are unhappy, but I know that I have an amazing and wonderful marriage with an amazing and wonderful man!!! I would not trade him for all the Packers games and smart phones in the world!!!!!

I'm not going to kick myself for having human feelings, I suppose, but it can be hard sometimes.

I believe it was C.S. Lewis who said, "Heaven is the satisfaction of the yearning that is always present."

And I know it was Rich Mullins who sang,
"Everybody I know says they need just one thing
And what they really mean is that they need just one thing more
And everybody seems to think they've got it coming
Well I know that I don't deserve You
Still I want to love and serve You more and more
You're my one thing
Save me from those things that might distract me
Please take them away and purify my heart
I don't want to lose the eternal for the things that are passing
Cause what will I have when the world is gone
If it isn't for the love that goes on and on...."

Here's the rest of it:



There's no time for proofing today... I'm off to my RE in an hour!!

I hope you're having a wonderful Friday!!! ♥

Unknown blessings

"Give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way."
(Native American saying)

Here we are in that lovely time of year between Thanksgiving and Christmas. So far I haven't found myself dreading the holidays, as I have many times in my infertile past. This may change, but so far, so good....

Thanksgiving was really nice this year! We drove six hours down to Wisconsin, hauling a cooler full of mashed potatoes, coconut macaroons, and Oreo Truffles (mmm!!!!), to spend time with my family and friends. It was a good time, but it was hard coming back. I am so ready to move back to Wisconsin, if only we could - so that part was hard. However, the holiday was really nice and I didn't freak out about IF, so that was good. Sometimes it's just the lack of freaking out that feels like victory - isn't that funny?

Anyhow, I really am thankful for so much! Despite the constant loss of that which I've never had, I know full well that I have been blessed tremendously.

But do I have the faith and courage to give thanks for unknown blessings? Do I believe they are already on their way? Am I ok with the possibility that they may not look like the blessings I want? Ahhh, these are some questions for me to ponder. Or maybe I should just step out in faith, because I know that our Heavenly Father is most certainly faithful!!

In sort of related news, on Facebook this week, someone wrote the following to me,

"Lees, you ARE a mother. You are just a mother without a child yet." And, "It's true, Lees. I honestly feel that way about IF sisters. We are mothers without children. It's in our hearts and just waiting to swing into action. That's why it's all so devastating to us that we can't get the child or get the child to stay here on earth with us. Who could be a better mother than one who has pleaded and begged for years, sometimes decades to add a child to their life. If you feel that strongly about it, it's already in you. Because, think about it, not all women want kids, and that's OK. But we're already mothers just waiting and waiting - and WAITING!"

That thought really struck a chord with me. Mothers in waiting....

As I write this post, this one song keeps coming to mind...

"You can thank the Father, for the things that he has done - thank him for the things he's yet to do.... and if you find a love that's tender, if you find someone who's true, thank the Lord - he's been doubly good to you."

Hmm, he has indeed been doubly good to me!!

A happy visit???

Well, I'm not sure happy is exactly the word.... but considering the circumstances, I was actually kinda happy when good ole AF showed up today - finally! It was probably the first time since I started this nightmare, errrrr, "journey," that AF's arrival didn't reduce me to weepy tears. A true sign that miracles really never do cease.

Tomorrow I'll go in to get some more blood work done at 8 am. I'm guessing that my still being up at 2 am is going to make me regretful tomorrow morning... Or later this morning, as it were. So, this is a shorty just to say AF is here, and I'm oddly pleased! It means I get to take the next step. And I'm oddly excited about that. It's good to feel excited about it again. I don't know what tomorrow, next month or next year will bring - but for now, I am happy and excited. So, one day at a time, step by step....

Nasty old lady!

After five and a half years of working like clockwork, that nasty old AF seems to want to start playing tricks on me again. As of now, I'm three days late. I am waiting for day 2, so I can go back into RE for more labs. Once I do that, then Ar and I will meet with the doc and discuss next steps - and find out our test results. But so far, AF is a no-show. In retrospect, I didn't mind so much when this happened last month, because truly I think it was the jolt I needed to get back into treatment. This month, however, it's just a hold-up.

Perhaps AF hasn't heard that I'm not getting any younger. Sigh, or maybe she has...

So, the delay of treatment aside, I'm a bit worried that perhaps I'm reverting back to my old PCOS ways... I used to never get my period - maybe 3 times a year, 4 tops. The last five plus years have been different, which has been encouraging. As much as I hate AF, when I get it regularly, as I have been, at least I feel like maybe my body is sort of working (somewhat) correctly - and that is encouraging.

So more waiting.

This morning I prayed for help to find a way to better fill the waiting. I don't necessarily even mean something more to do, but just to be more intentional in my waiting, I suppose. I recognize that I may be waiting forever, so I shouldn't squander it.

I also prayed for you. That is, if you're one of the 3 or 4 people who I know might read my little blog. ❤

For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. (Ephesians 3:14-21)

RE: back to my RE

This is just a quick update here. I've been struggling with a killer headache and neck kink the last day and a half, or so... It's kind of been knocking me out a bit, so I'll be heading to bed early again, tonight. But I really wanted to write down about my visit to the RE yesterday.

On the morning of, I was a bundle of nerves, of course. I was so afraid that the RE would tell me that I was too old or too fat to help. But Ar and I went for a nice lunch and talked a lot about our trip to Utila this past May. So that was nice talk and helped me feel calmer.

As for the visit, it was all good!! Dr. Damario essentially feels we should pick up where I left off 23 months ago - which would be IUI w/ injections, instead of Clomid. I'm nervous about the injections, as I hadn't done them before - but I think it'll be ok.

Since it's been almost two full years since my last treatment, he wants to do labs over, which I expected. So that's all fine. He did an ultrasound, since I was in the office. It's been a while since Mr. Wand and I have hung out together - but surprisingly, it was like riding a bike, as they say. Guess I'll have to get used to that again! Anyhow, the ultrasound was fine too - everything looked good.

Also, he was completely ok when I explained that my break from treatment took so long because of panic attacks etc. He now knows I'm on meds for that, and that I'm getting therapy - and doing well. He says that it's not unusual and that he's successfully treated many other women in this situation.

I felt so relieved!!! He's so nice and encouraging. As he was leaving, I told him that I was afraid he was going to turn me away because I was too old and fat and anxious.... He just chuckled and said, "No... you're fine - and we'll be here for you every step of the way."

He actually told me that "PCOS women have a lot of fertility potential - it just needs to be channeled better." I said, "I think that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me."

Next step: Thursday, Ar and I will go back in to the clinic. Ar will have to do another semenalysis, and I'll do some labs. On day 2 (in about 8 days), I'll go in for more labs - and then we'll go back to talk w/ the Doc., and review everything. Assuming all is well, which I am assuming, maybe I can do an IUI in December! We'll see.

So.... my first big step back was so far, so good!! Thank you, Lord!!!!

Get busy living....

or get busy dying....

As I wrote in my last post, we've decided to go back and see our RE. That appointment is on Monday. I have a surprising sense of peace about this decision. I don't know what the outcome will be, any more than I ever did, but I still find myself ready to face it for the first time in a very long time. My eyes are wider open, I have more emotional support and resources, and other areas of our lives are less stressful than they were the first time around. I hope these things make a difference to my attitude and response to the stress. I think they will, regardless of the outcome. I also have to choose that they will.

What I know from my "very late" experience last month, is that I really want to have a kiddo with Ar. I just do. I always knew that, of course, but I know it even more now. It's a heart desire - and that heart desire is a blessing in so many ways! It's also a curse, it seems, at times. Last month I allowed myself to believe it, to feel it. The joy of expectation and belief was indescribable. The disappointment was beyond brutal, but it left me with such clarity. I realized that I want this enough to face the ugly again. Last time, I didn't know how very ugly ugly could get... Last time, I went forward because I thought I had no choice. Now, this is my choice - I choose to go forward. Eyes wide open. Still hand in hand with the most amazing man in the world, but hopefully a little wiser in our travels.

None of this means anything to our outcome, of course, but I don't believe I can live with myself if we don't try. That's where all these last months, the panic, the anxiety, the wonder, the waffling, the waiting, the whys, the roller coasters... this is what it all tells me. It's time to move forward. I know better than ever that it may not happen. I may have to live childless. It will not be my choice, but what I can choose is to try.

So now, we wait.

So much of this journey is waiting, isn't it? Waiting and waiting - often hurrying up, just to wait some more. I wonder how much would all of our waiting add up to? And what should I be doing while I wait? In my recent past, much of that waiting has been filled with anxiety. This last week and a half, since I made the RE appointment, I can't say my waiting has been particularly productive, but at least it hasn't been anxious. But still, I can't help but feel the weeks, months, and years have passed by willy-nilly as I waited for my next cycle, my next opportunity. What can I do or be to to better use this waiting time? I'll have to think on that.

And so that quote from one of my favorite movies, Shawshank Redemption, keeps coming to mind, "Get busy living, or get busy dying." So much of IF feels like neither living, nor dying. Sometimes it feels more like dying. But it's not - unless we choose to let it be that way. Oh, Lord, help me remember that.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. Jesus came that we may have life and have it abundantly. (John 10:10)

IF is a mighty talented thief, isn't it? So can we be IF and still live abundantly? I mean, all the way abundantly - not the half abundant life many of us probably live... I can't be the only one that feels like she's been living two lives, can I? One happy-go-lucky, fun, fulfilling life, full of love - and one sad, anxious, fretting, scared, scarred, bitter, and empty life? Both are valid, both are real. What I wonder is, can I have one - one - abundant life, even while dealing with the angst of IF? I can't answer that from experience, but I believe that scripture would most certainly say so - and so does my heart, when I'm at peace.

You're perfect just the way you are....

...I wouldn't change you if I could...

That's the first song we danced to as hubby and missus, six years ago today.

It's been a heck of a six years - but after all we've been through, we have been through it together. Together! I'm certain there are not many lovelier words in all the world than "together."

I still wouldn't change him if I could. He is a prince among men, and my sheltering tree... We hurt for that which we do not have, but there is absolutely no doubt how grateful I am for this gift I've been given. It's pure grace.

Happy six years to us!!!

On the brink of a new married year together, it seems appropriate that we're again taking new (new old) steps forward. It just feels right. It doesn't feel like going backward, but definitely forward. I don't know what will happen, or where these steps will lead, but it's right to take them right now. I'm so glad I have Ar to take them with me!!! Today I made an appointment with my RE, for October 31. We'll see what he has to say. Either way, I won't be in it alone.

I feel at peace about it.

Now please enjoy a little Ricky Skaggs, in honor of darling Ar and me. :-)

The art of losing what you never had

This morning I woke up with AF. As much as that sucks to me, because I was secretly hoping I was one of the rare ones who gets a false negative blood test, I was glad that I got the blood test results last night - it made this morning's nightmare a little easier. Every night for the past week, I've been laying in bed imagining the good kind of what-if.... thinking, wondering, happy thoughts, you know. So that was one more reason to love my doctor - she sends me horrible news test results at 9:30 pm.

Needless to say, today was a very difficult day.

Thankfully, I had therapy scheduled tonight, more good timing! It was good just to talk and process the grief a bit. The grief over losing something I never had. As I talked, I realized that I may be ready to start treatment again. I've been on a longer break than I'd anticipated. Treatment was so hard - I was never so miserable than that time - and then we took a break. Then the panic attacks came, then a bunch of weight came. So... it's hard to want to go back there, but this last week of actually believing I was pregnant made me realize how incredibly much I want this.

I guess it all comes down to this: is the potential outcome worth the potential risk?

It really may never happen for us, but can I live without trying more? Is my fear so great that it'll stop me from taking the next step? Does that sound like something the bravest person in the world would do?

All that is well and good to inspire me, but the reality is that I'm forty, I'm fat, and IF treatment sent me spiraling into panic attacks before. I'm probably not the best candidate, so who knows if a clinic will even see me? In the spirit of nothing ventured, nothing gained, I just took a big step; I just emailed my GP doc telling her I'm ready to get back on the nightmarish IF treatment road again, if it's possible. We'll see what she says.

BFN

Still no AF today, so I went in for blood test today at 5:45 pm. At 9:30 pm they already had the results. Negative, of course. It shouldn't be a surprise. So why am I sitting here sobbing? Why did I have to ask Ar about daycare today? He works his own business, mostly on the weekends, so we were discussing him being with baby most weekdays. I thought how nice that would be for him... how wonderful he'd be!! How I'd come home every day for lunch... Why can't I just get it through my big, fat, stupid head - this is not going to happen for me!!! How many times can my heart be broken? I'm living in this nowhere land - never giving up and somehow never really believing, but definitely never giving up... How could I let myself believe this time? I actually feel pregnant. How can I let myself believe that? It just feels too much to bear right now. AF is cruel enough when she's regular - how can she be so cruel as to do this?

Dream, dream, dream... dreeeee-eee-eam...

So today is day 37 and AF is nowhere in sight. In the last five years, AF has been like clockwork. Morning of day 29 is the latest about 98% of the time! I've had just about two times when I went to day 30. Anyhow, as of yesterday, I've taken three pregnancy tests - all negative.

Some IF friends told me to contact the doctor, so I emailed my GP, who I think is awesome! Unfortunately, she's out of the office today. However, a nurse wrote back and basically said that there are many reasons for late period, including stress, cold/flu, and changes in diet/exercise. She said that I shouldn't rush to conclusions, but if I miss a second one to make an appointment. We'll see what my doc says though. I always feel like this nurse sort of blows me off. Like, when I finally acknowledged and gathered up the guts to email about my panic attacks in the spring, this same nurse blew it off, but my doc didn't.

Anyhow, I wrote back and said that I'm considerably less stressed than normal, of late, I don't have the cold/flu, and there have been no changes in diet/exercise... And that after TTC for almost 6 years, and going through incredible stress during it, this is the first time I have been late like this. So, we'll see what my doctor says. I'm sure it's just a fluke; I can't possibly be pregnant, right? Right!! Or could I? I mean, it's not impossible...

Meantime, I found myself this nice web page where all these women were talking about missed periods, negative home pregnancy tests, and negative blood tests - and then eventually confirming they were pregnant via ultrasound, at like 10 weeks or something. So, my stupid brain was reeling w/ these thoughts last night as I laid down... bad Heather, very, very bad Heather!!!!! (That's me, in case you were wondering! :-) )

I've also been having crazy dreams lately. The other night I dreamed that I was eating salt by the tablespoon full, straight from the blue Morton's salt container - and enjoying it very much. Then Ar walked in and said, "Hey babe!" I replied, w/ salt falling down my face, and holding up the salt container for him to see, "How much sodium do you think this stuff has?" Then I cracked up laughing about what I said - so hard that tears started falling...

I also dreamed the next night that I'd found a baby and thought she looked like Ar.

Last night I dreamed that Mike McCarthy (head coach of the very awesome Green Bay Packers) sent me a Packers onesie! It was adorable, but I was kind of angry with him for it because I felt he should have known I'm IF and how painful that is. After all, he lived down the street from me (in my dream). However, I couldn't set the onesie down, even though I was so mad about it - I just kept, sort of, hugging it to me... Bad, stupid brain!!!!!!

Please, Lord.

And yet........

I just took a pregnancy test. I couldn't resist. Despite how much I knew it had to be negative, all the way to work this morning, and so often throughout the day, I just kept turning back to it... that what if? After all, what if?

Well, not a big surprise, but it was negative. It's day 32. I should have waited.

And yet.... I also know that I'll take another one in the morning, being that first thing in the morning is the best time to test, right?

Why can't I just stop? Why does it always comes back?

Nothing new under the sun

So, AF was due yesterday. She still hasn't reared her ugly head. This made my Ar very excited and almost giggly, but I once again had the unpleasant task of trying to tell him to not get excited. AF is just late. I know it.

Thing is, I'm not sure I believe it's possible anymore.

Granted, two weeks ago I was worried about hot-tubbing it with Ar because I would be ovulating... Obviously I had some hope then. But then we did get in that hot-tub, so I had perhaps already stopped believing any of it mattered. At any rate, I now find myself calmly just not believing. I know the moment I might decide to take a pregnancy test is the exact moment AF will show up. It's happened more times than I can remember.

AF is one cruel auntie!!!

Right now though, even as I write this, I don't feel sad. That's kind of weird, I guess. But maybe this is the beginning of acceptance. Or maybe I have to wait and see what happens when AF comes.

Last week, Ar's daughter, M, was in town. She lives on the west coast. His other daughter, P, lives nearby. (They're both in their 20s.) Anyhow, we saw both of them a good bit. M stayed with us a few of the days, which was really nice!! Ar is a wonderful dad! I love to see that!!! And I always enjoy getting to know M a bit more. (We see P fairly often.) Still, it left me a bit melancholy after she left. They're both such wonderful girls! I see so much of him in them. Why can't I have that with him?

I don't know the answer to that, but I know it probably wouldn't hurt any less even if it it could be explained.

And either way, I just don't think I believe anymore. I don't think this is going to happen for us. I just don't think it's going to happen. I think I really mean it this time... And I just feel sort of empty about it right now. Is it wrong somehow to feel that way? I'm not sure. It isn't as if I've lost my faith in the Lord. I'm just starting to believe that the answer is, "no." I've been taught since I was a wee one that sometimes the answer is, "no." It doesn't mean He loves me any less.

Or maybe this disbelief will change again tomorrow. This is one crazy roller coaster, after all.

Doesn't it sometimes feel like there's nothing really new under the IF sun? Just the same old feelings rehashed cycle after cycle after cycle after cycle after cyc....... and the same old sad outcome? So, is this a breakthrough in accepting that it just might not happen, or is it just another cruel twist?

Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12: 2-8)

I certainly wouldn't say I'm boasting in my weakness, nor that I am content with it all... I'd be lying if I said that, but I do believe that His grace is sufficient for me so I have to continue going forward in faith.

Thought for the day

"Our yesterdays present irreparable things to us; it is true that we have lost opportunities which will never return, but God can transform this destructive anxiety into a constructive thoughtfulness for the future. Let the past sleep, but let it sleep on the bosom of Christ. Leave the Irreparable Past in His hands, and step out into the Irresistible Future with Him." (Oswald Chambers)

Bubbles galore

I just realized it's been almost two weeks since I posted. Mostly because things have been a whirlwind of activities. This has been a busy season - lots of weddings and birthdays and fun. Oh, and then there was the big work fundraiser, and lots of busy-ness at work, in general.

Tomorrow Ar and I are heading out of town for a romantic little overnight. We want to take a river boat down the Mississippi, except that it might be too cold and rainy. Then we'll stay overnight - we got a jacuzzi room.

We haven't gone in a jacuzzi in ages and ages -- wouldn't want to damage his spermies, after all. We used to do that all the time, though - just relax and enjoy each other in a different setting. Pour in the bubbles.... Love it!!! But we haven't done it in ages. It's just one more thing that we set aside to try to have a little one. I don't know - we're going to do it. I mean, we've not done it all this time and it hasn't made a difference... If we don't do it one more time, and we still don't get pregnant, then we'll just have lost another time.

I was very "in your face, IF!!!!" (shaking my fist) at first, when we decided to do this. I didn't care anymore - we were getting back to that which we always loved! But then I realized I should be ovulating this weekend, then I started to waver a bit. I wondered to Ar if killing his spermies in the hot tub is such a good idea, after all.... He says he thinks that it'll just excite them! Ha! He does crack me up!!!!

Well, we're going - and I'm really looking forward to it!!!

But, as usual, something came up out of the blue today and zapped me again. Stupid IF!!!!

For one thing, I was in a new Target today and I kept getting lost looking for what I needed... It felt like all roads led to the baby section and I'd just end up back there, staring at baby everything and at the happy pregnant ladies, and I had to try to not cry.

Then I came home and checked Fertile Facebook just in time for more pregnancy announcements, complete with the mandatory ultrasound pictures... Sometimes I just stare at those darn pictures and... just cry. It's so hard!!! And how can any of them know how hard it is? It's not their fault, it just is - and it hurts like crazy. I wish it didn't.

But, good for them - really!! These are my friends and I'm so very glad they don't have IF!!!! I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, let alone people I care about.

I just wish I didn't have it, and I wish you didn't!!! And I wish it didn't hurt so much to see things like u/s pics etc.

And I'm sorry because I'm just plain ole feeling really down right now, it seems. I didn't this morning, but X always equals infertility. Hopefully I won't be so down tomorrow morning, because I've really been looking so forward to our little get-away. No, I will feel better tomorrow!! I will not let IF take my get away from me. I get all too few weekends with my Ar to let IF take this one from me! Do you hear me, IF? You are a dirty, rotten, scoundrel and you will not take my get-away from me, too!!!!!!

Yet you brought me out of the womb; you made me trust in you, even at my mother’s breast. From birth I was cast on you; from my mother’s womb you have been my God. Do not be far from me, for trouble is near and there is no one to help. (Psalm 22:9)

There are friends, and then there are friends...

We all know that Facebook is a mixed bag, to be certain! It's reunited me with many - dear - old friends, who I'd only accidentally lost touch with, as life led us different directions. That has been truly wonderful!! Of course it also brings back some of those people I didn't mind leaving behind... It's also brought some new friends into my life, surprisingly! But one thing that isn't a surprise, to any IFer who uses Facebook, is what torture a mere login can bring... It's a veritable landmine of either fertile joy, or constant complaints about the thing that we want with all our hearts. In either case, it can be extremely tough.

For most IFers, Facebook is a constant challenge in the battle between happiness for people we love, and the feelings of jealousy we try to fight as we watch people live our dream. We love them, we care about them, we're happy for them - we would never, ever, wish them this IF nightmare... Of course not! That doesn't make it any easier, though.

Then the ones who constantly complain about pregnancy - the horrid clothes, that they can't drink, how sick they are of being fat... or who constantly complain about their kids - how awful they behave, how messy it is, how they have to get up every night, how they can't wait for summer to end so the kids will be out of the house... Well, all I can say about all of that is UGH!!! Of course pregnancy and parenting isn't a bed of roses - of course it's tough. Everyone needs to vent and complain sometimes, but I'm talking about those folks for whom sometimes is all the time. Do they have any idea what they have?

Of course, the best tool of an IFer on Facebook is the good old "hide" button! I probably would have deactivated my account if it weren't for that. Anyone who complains constantly (about anything, really, but especially their kids or pregnancy) gets hidden. As do people who I'm not close to, who post all their baby bump pics and ultrasounds and constant updates about their nursery and such. If I'm not close to them, I just wish them well and send my congrats, then hide them. People I'm close to, I keep open - but they're not generally the kind of people would would be constantly annoying to me, anyhow.

Well, so, this last week was interesting because there was the crazy so-called breast cancer awareness fad. Have you seen this? Apparently people are supposed to post the number of weeks they are - based somehow on their birthday - and what they're craving. It's this big - oh so HILARIOUS - thing that is supposedly to bring awareness to breast cancer, even though breast cancer isn't ever mentioned in it and you're not supposed to tell the boys! Ohh, what a fabulous campaign. I bet this really helps breast cancer, a ton! Oh brother!!!

So basically, your newsfeed could be chock-full of what seem like pregnancy announcements, which can obviously be quite painful! Even if you do know what it's about, it's insulting, hurtful, and useless. This isn't going to raise awareness, all it does, in my opinion, is hurt others including breast cancer patients and survivors, who may well have to face infertility themselves, as a result of treatment.

Of course, this has been outrageous to many - and many IFers are striking back with well thought out responses.

As for me, I haven't seen it in my newsfeed even once. What's with that? I have just short of 300 friends on Facebook - and not one of them posted it? That's bizarre!! It's still a puzzle to me, because some of my IF friend's newsfeed were littered with it. I never got the message about the game, and I never saw it in my newsfeed. Maybe it's because I've been a bit looser lately, with letting people know about my IF. This has been mostly a passive thing, but still, anyone who pays attention at all, would have to know. Or maybe my friends are just that awesome!!! I know for certain my close friends are, but I'm still surprised by the numerous others who could have posted it, but didn't. Or, if they did, they blocked me from that one post...

I decided to go look on the walls of my hidden friends - and sure enough, I found it posted on several of their pages. That was pretty funny to me!! The people I hid previously - they're the ones who'd posted it. Pretty awesome, eh? I guess I have some discernment when it comes to such matters!!

Because I never saw it in my newsfeed, I never addressed it, myself. I didn't want to draw attention to it, if people hadn't seen. However, three of my friends did address it - completely unprovoked by me. I never had even mentioned it. One friend put up a preemptive note stating that it's ridiculous and hurtful to many. Another sent me an email warning me about it. A third friend then posted a blog response she'd read from someone in the breast cancer community. I was amazed. Now, I already knew that these are some exceptionally good friends, but still, it was impressive.

Ironically, what could have been just another nightmare Facebook episode was a real blessing! I tell ya -it's a mixed bag out there! Just like life, I suppose! And on Facebook, as in life, I'm glad I've surrounded myself with really good people! What a blessing!

“Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art… It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.” (C.S. Lewis)

Of stupid cars and girly parts

So I hate my car. I really, really hate my car!!!! I used to love my car - there's nothing even remotely wrong with it. It's been good to me. But I hate it. I hate it because when we bought it - in April of 2006 - we bought it with kiddies in mind. As if I really needed a station wagon - please! But that's why I wanted the car I have. I thought we'd have kiddies to fill it. Now I hate it.

Lately, every time I walk back to it, or think about it, I remember how we were "supposed to" have kids by now, and how we don't - and how we may never - and here I am, stuck with this sad reminder of a red station wagon. On the bright side, it has four cup holders within easy access to the driver's seat. That part is really awesome!!!

Anyhow, we're not in a place where we can just decide to get a new car just because I hate this silly IF-mobile, right now... it's all paid off and still has fairly low miles.

Oh well - just another one of those weird thoughts in the everyday life an IFer.

I also had a fun mammogram today!! Yayyyy - forty is so awesome!!!! Well, in fairness, there are a lot of nice things that have happened in my forties, too - like when I got carded ordering wine with dinner. That gets even more special with time. Also, Ar lately seems crazier about me than ever. Crazy guy! So, I guess I can put up with mammograms and my increasingly declining chances of having kiddies, right? Hmm.

Anyhow, mammograms always make me chuckle because, if you say it right, the name sounds so fun - like, "Candy-gram!" "MAMMA-gram!" It's not really all that fun, but it's probably a good thing to do anyhow.

Well, just to prove that hope really does spring eternal, I asked for the lead apron thingy during my mammogram - you know, just in case... I mean, sure - it's beyond absurdly unlikely - but I could be pregnant, right? Why take the chance? At this point it seems more likely that I'd sprout a tail or a third kidney, but it's not out of the question completely, right? Hmmfph! Knowing me, I'll probably sprout the tail...

But I will continue to know that with God all things are possible.

Hiccups

Well, going back to work today after a whole week off was a little tough, but vacation was pretty wonderful. It was lovely to get away to the Wisconsin woods!! I had Ar there, and family, bonfire and s'mores -- and lots of wildlife. Ar and my brother caught some nice Northerns, so we had a pretty delicious fish fry!! We also had the best prime rib in the world - out at a local restaurant. I also read two books during vacation. So, yeah - when all is said and done - it was really a nice time.

There was some family drama, of course. Is any family vacation complete without that? But, it was ok.

However, it made me realize more about my anxiety issues... it made me realize all the more that there are really two levels of anxiety in my life. The kind that is treated by medicine because my brain chemistry is out of whack, probably due to pretty severe stress over the last years, dealing with infertility, as well as financial set backs... but there's also the kind that the medicine doesn't prevent... the kind that comes from somewhere else, somewhere deeper. That kind seems harder to manage because it's the same one that made me lie awake in my bed at night, when I was just a kid, with a pit the size of a watermelon in my stomach as I just listened... terrified because the fighting in the next room shook me to my core. And for some reason, there are certain elements of being with certain members of my family that just bring that feeling back. No one means to, but it's like this chemical reaction. It makes me just crawl far inside a shell, like I used to crawl deeper into my blankets. My jovial self disappears and I try my darnedest to become invisible.

So, though vacation really was lovely, this happened at one point. I realize now that this is anxiety too. Funny enough, I never thought about it in that context before, but I need to learn how to deal with this better. To manage it without becoming invisible. How do you change the way two chemicals react to each other, though? Maybe I should have paid more attention in chemistry classes...

But that aside, it was a good 85% lovely! I did get myself over that little hiccup, but only because I took one of the meds I keep for emergencies. I feel terrible that I had to do that, but I know myself - and I didn't want to ruin vacation. When I go into that shell, when I go invisible, it's hard to undo it. I'm not going to beat myself up about this - I've identified something, and I'll tackle it so that I can manage it better next time.

So, that was the downside. The rest was all good! Despite the hiccup, it really was good to spend time with my family - in the outdoors! My nephew and niece are so much fun!! I enjoyed hanging with them - a lot!!!! So did Ar! Ar and my nephew did a lot of fishing together, whittling together, looking for kindling together, and chit chatting. They were adorable!!!!

Ohhhhh - how I wish I could give Ar a son.

When I said that to him, he just replied, "You've already given me so much!!"

It melted me to hear him say that!!! He means it - the dear man means it!!!

But part of me wonders if that means he no longer believes we can do this. If he's accepting that this is the outcome. If that's the case, then he's telling me it's ok, that I'm enough. I do love that!!! It's reassuring to hear, though not surprising, in light of my questioning about if this never happens. We'll be ok!

But my heart still aches. Ultimately, I guess that's why I know I'm not ready to give up yet.

Oh, but I've been trapped in such a strange limbo world lately. Round and round she goes. Where she stops, nobody knows.

The Homeland is calling...

Ar will be home tomorrow, and then early Monday morning we head out for a fun little holiday with my side of the family - up in northern Wisconsin! I love being back in Wisconsin. We take this trip almost every year, except the year we skipped because of IUI. That was two years ago - when we just started on the IUI road.

We almost didn't go this year because of money. Finances are pretty tight because Ar's business has been suffering a bit this summer - what with all the absurdly hot weather, and the absurdly worsening economy.... My cutie works his butt off; I just hate how much harder it is lately!!! Anyhow, we also went to Honduras in May and had to (unexpectedly) buy a new van this summer. Practically speaking, we shouldn't go. But, family is important.

The truth is, that this week with my family is the nicest time my family ever has. For some reason - maybe it's the change of scenery - it's just all more fun and relaxed on this trip. Normally, there's always a lot of weird underlying tensions, it seems. Anyhow, I like this trip with my family. It's good for us! And I guess it's one of those things that is just more important than money.

However, because X always equals infertility, there's always that shadow... my niece and nephew will be there - and they are awesome kids!!!! They really are!!! I just love getting to hang out with them. We live 5 hours away from my family, so I don't get to see them often enough. My niblings are growing up and I hate how much I miss out on, living here. But my job is good and secure - it's not something I can just leave, at least not in this economy.

My nephew turned 10 this summer, my niece will be 8 in January. I'm so proud of them, but honestly, it also makes me sad how big they're getting. Not only because I'm missing out on it, but because I really wanted our kids to grow up closer with them. Now, even if we have kids, there would be such an age difference. I know this isn't really a big deal, but it's one of those things, you know? I had always pictured our kids hanging out together on this vacation - making those precious memories with their cousins.... Don't get me wrong, the memories are still precious, but it is a little bittersweet for me, I guess.

But that's just the way it is. Life is bittersweet. Thank God that it isn't just bitter!!

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up,a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace. What does the worker gain from his toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on men. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil—this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him. (Ecclesiastes 3:1-14)

Missing persons...

Lately I haven't felt like there's anything much to say. Maybe it's just because I'm pretty tired lately. Maybe I'm just sick of even thinking about infertility. I really am, you know. I'm so sick of how much I hate this. Sick of wanting something that, frankly, there's an awfully strong likelihood that I'll never have. I feel strangely dull. Maybe the word is empty.

Hope never does die though, does it? I guess sometimes I'm sick of the hope, the most. My therapist was saying last week that I'm clearly an optimist. It was funny to hear her say that because often times people have thought I'm a pessimist. I've always known they were wrong, but it's hard to really explain that to people. It was so nice to have a doctor of human psychology see that I am indeed an optimist. It was somehow validating, though I didn't realize I cared about that validation.

See, I don't really wear rose-colored glasses - I'm not that sort of optimist. I see things how they are - the good, the bad, and the ugly. I figure that way you know what you have to deal with, which is generally helpful. I often think optimism does not mean what people think it means... But that's ok. As for me, and this is what I was discussing with my therapist a bit, I truly believe that if you walk out in faith and trust, persevere, and you operate with due diligence, that somehow it'll work out. That if not, you maybe need to make some adjustments and re-examine, but your goals are still within reach. The answer is out there!

I also believe in miracles, and hope really never does seem to die. Ironically, those are the very things that break my heart so much in this IF journey.

Note to self, remember that you're still only looking at a small part of the story...

Even after six years, it's really only been just a few chapters, don't ya think? I am 40, but I'm - only - 40. Gotta keep on reading. After all, who really knows what's next? Maybe there will be an awesome and amazing twist. After all, I've got a pretty spectacular author!!!

Of course, there-in lies the problem... I always think what lies next is exactly what I so long for!! And so it is hard to keep asking that question - that, "what if it never is that which I so long for?" I guess maybe that's why I've sort of turned myself off lately, a bit. Maybe I just need a break from thinking, for a bit. Honestly, I keep secretly hoping it'll just work out - I see it happen for all sorts of other people. As much as I know and say and think and proclaim about how there's a very good likelihood it won't happen, the truth is - I just hope against all hope that it'll happen. Plus, I don't have a framework for what to do if it never ever happens.

Another note to self, you still have your own history. Remember!!!!

A lot of difficult things have happened in my history. I have to remember that when I was in the midst of them, it was unclear when or how the good would come - but it always did, one way or another. It wasn't necessarily what I expected - and I suppose that's what I'm most afraid of here... I trust, but am I willing to give up my (perceived) control and really accept that it can be good, even if it isn't the good I so desire?

Oh, that's too much thinking for this tired old brain, tonight.

Anyhow, I found myself feeling pretty sadly empty last night, when I went to bed. I tuned it out by reading, but it was there. Darling Ar is out of town until Sunday night, and I miss him terribly! Our place is neater and more organized when he's gone - no dishes in the sink, no duffle bags and "stuff" near the door... I can watch what ever I please on tv, or read my Kindle all night long... but it's so empty and lifeless without him. He brings so much to me, just by being near. Of course we talk and text 20 times a day while he's gone, but I just miss his big, crazy hugs. Sometimes he hugs me so tight that I can't breathe for a few seconds. How I love that!!!!! He has the best hugs. I seriously think the man could make a living by charging money for his amazing hugs!!!! The nearness of his fuzzy face always makes me happiest!! I miss his warmth. I miss his snores. I miss his curmudgeonly little quirks and his uniquely him perspectives on life. So as I laid down alone last night, the emptiness overwhelmed me a bit. Not only because Ar is gone this week, because I trust that he'll be back, but for the other person that is missing too. The person I don't know and may never know. The person I want to see my sweet Ar's face in. The person I already love, as only a mother loves.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. (Hebrews 12: 1 & 2)

Step By Step

Today was distressing on many levels. First of all, AF reared her ugly head. Despite all my brave talk of late about considering that it just might not happen for me, which I'm completely genuine about, AF showed up -- and I'm a mess. A big, fat, huge, ridiculous, chocolate-eating mess.

It wasn't exactly a surprise... I saw a pimple start to form a few days ago. It was a sure sign. Still, hope hasn't died in me... not yet. Hopefully never. Although if it really never does happen for me, this specific hope will have to somehow transform into something else.... what though? Acceptance? Peace? A butterfly? Or perhaps an heroic Autobot out to save the universe? Well, maybe... We'll see - I'm not quite there yet, obviously, because today I was a BIG mess.

But I had to work, and at work I have to be happy, happy all the day. And so I was, to the best of my acting ability. I got to give someone an early wedding present today, so that cheered me up!! Also, Ar took me to lunch, which is always a treat!!!!

I told him today, maybe it's time to think about trying IUI again.... it's the first time in a very long time that I've started to feel that maybe I could start getting ready for that again. But I haven't seen an RE in over a year, and I'm really more overweight than I should be. So we'll see about that. It wasn't a decision - it just came out.

Still, I'm not running away from that ugly "what if" question anymore, as I used to. That I'm not running from the question anymore actually scares me a bit. The question is all well and good, so I'll continue to explore it. I must, even if I'm not quite there yet - not quite done yet.

Then for further upsetting news today, later in the day Ar's good friend told him that he and his wife were both just diagnosed with cancer. Unbelievable!

Also, a fellow online IFer friend told our group about her sister-in-law who got pregnant again. Pregnancy announcements are always a bit tough, right - even though we're happy for our loved ones! In this case though, the sister-in-law already has two kids with her husband, and she feels too busy right now for a third, so she aborted the baby. This just made me sick. It literally made me sick to my stomach. I know this is obviously a controversial topic, and I'm not here to debate rights and what-not, I'm just saying it made me sick to hear! I can barely type this without getting sick again.

Soooo.... moving on because I have nothing further to say about that, today marked the one month anniversary of being 40. So far in my 40s, I've lost one dear friend to cancer, another dear friend lost his mother to cancer, and now there have been two more cancer diagnoses, and I've just had my second AF of my 40s. Did anyone ever tell us there'd be days like these?

But, I have a wonderful and lovely hubby, whom I absolutely adore and am so thankful for!!! And I have dear friends!!! And a family that loves me!!! And God is still so good!!!! The world is sick and messy, but God is good! Infertility cannot destroy those things - any more than cancer can. They can take so much, but they cannot take those things that are dearest and truest!

The only thing I know at the end of this rather icky day is that if it never happens for me, one way or another, or whatever else happens to me, I will be ok. I can't fathom being ok with it yet, but I know I will. Step By Step, right.... Hopefully I'll keep remembering this... I will be ok - no matter the outcome. Step By Step....

Of baby spoons and edible cheeks

As I said in yesterday's post, I've been starting to think maybe it just isn't going to happen for me. Some IF women just know that somehow, someday they'll be a mom.

You know, I just don't have that certainty. I want very much to be a mom. It's not that I'm a pessimist - I consider myself a realist. The reality is that it may not happen. I haven't been given a promise by God that I'll be a mom. I can claim many other promises from God, but not that one. Realistically speaking, I need to explore the idea that I just may not be able to get pregnant and carry a baby. Adoption is not an option for us - our age and finances are prohibitive factors. So.... I do keep hoping that my health-ed teachers were right about sex leading to pregnancy, but after almost six years, that just seems like pie in the sky kinda urban legend mythology nonsense from happy land! Of course, there's more IUI, or IVF if I can get myself ready. But I really think that's it for us. And so it may not happen.

So as I grapple with what being childless would mean for us - for me - and how I would move forward, which is rather hard to imagine right now, quite frankly, part of me keeps being struck by the somewhat ironic (to some) fact that I'm "not a baby person." I've never been one of those super-baby people... never been one of those gals who is just so fascinated by all things baby. Who has to hold and touch every baby... who has to smell every baby, squeeze every tiny toe... who says strange things like: "That is just the sweeeeeeetest baby!! I'm going to get my baby spoon and just gobble her up!!"

I'm not that gal. There's nothing wrong with that gal (ok, well... actually, the baby spoon thing is a bit over the top!) But baby cannibalizing spoons aside, it's just not me. I don't need to hold and smell every baby I see - and there's nothing wrong with that either. I dearly love my little niblings (my nephew and niece) - I think they are just the bee's knees!!!!  Most other babies are nice and all... I don't dislike them by any stretch - but, unless I have a reason to be gaga over them, I'm really not. I appreciate the cuteness, but I'll leave it at that.

The reason I mention about this is because it seems to surprise some of my friends that I want to be a mom so much, because they know I'm not that gal... so they wonder, why do I want this so much?

Ummmm. I don't know - why do I want to breathe? I don't know - it's just what seems natural - and right and good. Just because I don't want to gobble other people's babies up, with weird creepy baby spoons, doesn't mean I don't want to be a mom.

As if only people who are googoo gaga over every baby would want to have their own child. In fact, I know some googoo gaga people, who really never wanted their own children. All I ever do when people point out that I'm not a baby person, and express surprise at my desire, is just say something like, "it's not the same, you know - other babies aren't the same as having a child with Ar would be."

It's just that it is not possible for me to explore what it would mean for us to not have a child together, without continuing to explore what it would mean to have one.

How can you explain such a thing? Such a desire - such a deep down need? How do you define it? It just seems right and good. It would be right and good to have someone with Ar's cute face for us to love and to raise and to teach - important things and silly things. I well understand that child-rearing isn't all unicorns and rainbows!! It's hard and grueling work, but work done in tremendous love and with such purpose! So, what can be said? I love Ar and it just seems natural to want this with him, even though I don't want to eat babies with spoons - or forks, or even my bare hands. I think it's weird that anyone should want to "scoop off their little cheeks and eat them."

(Seriously - these are quotes I've heard recently, from different people. Disturbing, to say the least!!!! But babies are cute, for sure! Just not edible.)

Maybe if I'd married a real creep it wouldn't matter so much to me. I don't know, but the more in love with Ar I grow, the more I want this with him. That's all I know, folks.

Well, that and that it's wrong - WRONG - to eat baby cheeks!!!! Just say "NO!"

To a watery grave, or not to a watery grave - that is the question

Just the last few days, I've been grappling with this idea... maybe it's because of my dream that I wrote about last time, where I was screaming and sobbing. Then I was drowning, still screaming and sobbing. In order to come to the surface, in order to just survive, I had to stop screaming. Stop taking in so much water. I so vividly recall the feeling of being so far under that water... surrounded with water.... choking on the water.... the struggle and the tears on my wet face. It feels like it really happened. Maybe it did.

Now, please know that I don't actually put a ton of stock in dreams - but I do put some stock in them. The thing is knowing when a dream is just silliness, or if it really means something.

It's like I can still feel that water - and the feeling of struggling so hard to get my head above water, and sobbing and screaming so hard.

Sounds kinda familiar.

Only in my dream, I realized that my screaming is only making it worse for myself.

The memory has taken hold of me more each day.

So maybe it's because of this dream that over the last few days, I've been thinking differently. Wondering differently... Seriously wondering, what if? What if it really just never happens for me? I haven't been thinking this in despair - for once - by the way. More in an intellectual, or philosophical way - definitely personal, but slightly objective. What if it just doesn't happen?

In my dream, I made it to the surface only after I stopped screaming - but then I still had to watch someone else living out my heart's desire. I don't know what happened after I got to shore, I only know that I had to accept the way it was, at that moment. Without screaming.

So, what if I just stop? I'm so tired of struggling. I'm so tired of screaming and sobbing. Of taking in water. But that doesn't mean I don't want this. With all of me, I want to mother Ar's child. That sounds so old-fashioned, doesn't it? But it's in every part of me.

I need to just stop screaming. Stop with the sobbing, already! How will I ever get to the surface like this?

Does not screaming, and not sobbing mean I don't care anymore? Does it mean I've given up?

It's so hard to find balance in this barren land.

Is it possible to be normal and still want this with every breath?

I'm still too overweight right now to really feel it's a good idea to pursue active treatment - I mean, I could do more IUI. I don't know though - as much as I want it, I haven't felt it the right time to jump back into that. It made me into a stark-raving lunatic before - and I'm so very hesitant to want to go through it again. Does that mean I don't want it as much? I honestly don't think it means that, but it's hard to figure out. Speaking of stark-raving lunacy, I'm probably not supposed to get pregnant on my anxiety meds, anyhow - though I know that can be dealt with.

Well, in the meantime, we certainly do keep doing things that theoretically could lead to pregnancy. That is, if you believe that whole myth about sex causing pregnancy... which I don't believe, of course. I'm pretty sure that was a lie made up by our health-ed teachers to get us to not mess around. But, in the unlikely event that sex could lead to pregnancy, if we don't get pregnant after these past few weeks, it's sure not for lack of trying. Sorry if that's too much info, but even though we weren't doing anything specifically with conception in mind, it is impossible - impossible - to not think about it.

So, we've had a nice last couple weeks that way - very enjoyable!! But here I am anyhow, thinking about it.... because, maybe.... it is technically possible, after all, according to those (probably liar) health-ed teachers, anyhow. Sigh, because at the same time I'm seriously contemplating the greater likelihood that it probably is just not ever going to happen for me, and knowing that if I'm going to avoid a watery grave, I must stop screaming.

Can I face an uncertain future without screaming and sobbing?

Can I face it if I don't stop?



Rich Mullins, Nothing is Beyond You

All I have to do... is dream...

Just lately I've been dreaming about IF. Strangely enough, I rarely ever dream about it. I do have very vivid dreams, though - always have. Usually they're fun dreams - or just weird, or goofy anxiety dreams. It's rare for me to have terribly sad or scary dreams. But this week I've had three IF dreams already. Two were very similar to each other, where I was in this sort of large, industrial looking room - and a very pregnant lady was standing next to me, maybe three feet away. Suddenly, she went into labor and was soon giving birth - just standing there! I started screaming at the top of my lungs, "NOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOO!!!!! You can't!! Not fair!!!! NOT FAIR!!!!" I was screaming and sobbing... Sobbing.... Sobbing! Suddenly I realized I was struggling in some sort of body of water - actually under water - and I was still screaming and sobbing. Though submerged and obviously completely soaked, I remember the feel of my own tears on my face... and knew I had to stop screaming so I could get above water. I struggled to the surface and saw the woman there with her baby, just standing there watching me.

I also dreamed that a woman in my office, whose partner is pregnant in real life (newest pregnancy announcement), was the one who was actually pregnant. In real life, I was beyond thrilled to learn that it was her partner who is pregnant - and NOT her!!! I was so not in the mood for yet ANOTHER office pregnancy. She's already the sixth in the office, who will soon be a first-time parent - but at least I don't have to actually see yet another pregnant person!! Anyhow, in my dream, it turned out that she lied and it was her - and not her partner - who was pregnant, after all. And when I found out - I was TICKED OFF, big time!!! I saw her getting coffee and looking six months pregnant. She was wearing the most hideous maternity dress - it looked like a mumu. In real life she never wears dresses, so that was weird enough, but this dream dress was truly awful. In my dream, she was going on and on to someone about her pregnancy etc - and I was getting more and more angry - finally I just started chucking plastic forks at her. Hard! I was pitching them at her by the handful! She just kept talking, like she didn't even notice.... Made me even more angry! Then I woke up ticked - and now I'm watching her carefully, in real life, for signs... just in case.

So... just some strange little dreams that made me feel funky, I guess. One probably doesn't need a doctorate in psychobabble from the University of Sigmund to analyze those dreams, but they sure left me feeling weird.

Gee, if dreams reveal character, I guess these ones don't say much good about my character, eh?

Well, anyhow, I sure hope this isn't a new trend. My life is full enough of other people's pregnancies, as it is. My dreams have been sanctuary. Don't turn on me now, subconscious!!!

On the bright side, I skipped department baby shower number five yesterday - as I skipped the four before it. But the leftover cake was truly fabulous! I don't even feel guilty that I skip the showers and then eat the leftover cake. I am a scoundrel!!!! Clearly, I don't deserve the cake! But I like it! This one was actually from a nice bakery. I figure, hey - they get to have children, the least I can get is a little cake. And eat it too!